How can husbands show love to their wives?
It’s Joanna on the blog today, but this really isn’t my advice: it’s men’s corner day and I’m just facilitating! To use a lovely, old fashioned phrase, how can a husband woo his wife? This week we asked some of the men of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum about what their strategies are to show their wives how much they love them. And special thanks to commenter Phil who inspired this post by sending us in some ideas (which we’ve included here! 🙂 ). We love it when readers give us ideas and feedback.
So here we go–as Giselle from Enchanted put it, “how does she know you love her?”
1. Spend time with her
My wife absolutely loves going on walks with me. We put the baby in the stroller and enjoy a visit and a conversation. Having the chance to have a deeper conversation as we go on our way really helps us to continue growing in our friendship with each other. She jokes with me that she is like her parent’s lab – she’s happiest if she’s just been on a walk.
2. Do a task you normally wouldn’t do
My wife and I have been in a constant state of change as our lives alter with kids and jobs and even a big move as we transform and grow together in our marriage. One area that has changed over the years has been the everyday chores and tasks that need to be done around the house. As kids entered our lives even more tasks were piled on top! As we have grown I have made the biggest strides. Today I step up to the plate and help around the house. This includes but is not limited to; bathrooms, vacuuming (YES! Bare Marriage) and because I work full time my wife makes dinner 99% of the time and I clean up after and I am dish man. Outdoor duties and Mr.fix it are also on my list.
3. Avoid goal-oriented thinking
The key is to be non-goal oriented, just seeking to make her feel good rather than to “score”.
This one is key. If you’re only doing nice things so that you’ll get nice things back, that’s giving to get. Serving each other and seeking each other’s good is one of the hallmarks of Christian marriage.
4. Be her friend
Well gee, this makes so much sense, eh? But do you know your wife? My wife and I started out our relationship as friends just like most everyone else. Then we got serious and romantic and life stepped in with school and jobs and marriage and kids. Somewhere along the way my wife and I lost that spark. Until one day we realized we were missing something. We forgot we were friends. Recently, my wife has this project we have been working on together on our property that needed to get finished by a hard deadline. It’s not my project and while I find the results nice, I would not have taken on the project if it wasn’t for her. We are down to the wire and the date was approaching. I realized her deadline was coming due and I stepped up and helped her so she could meet her deadline. The work required manual labor and for you folks who don’t know what weather in North Carolina can be by the end of May; try 93 F/34 C. Grace is my best friend and she needed help. She does a ton for me and my family and she deserves to have her best friend Phil help her out with her project. I am glad to be a help and she really appreciated it!
5. Surprise her with a clean car
Spend an hour detailing her car – clean the windows, cupholders wiped out, vacuumed, and clearing out any clutter… and don’t tell her you did it until she heads out. It’s such a small gesture, but that sort of kindness does communicate so much.
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6. Learn what she loves
I know my wife through and through. I paid close attention to her Love Language and always made sure to prioritize her needs. She is a dual Love Language woman. She likes to receive physical touch and quality time as her primary love language. Number three is task and four is compliments/adoration and five is gift giving. Like I said, I know her well. So for the past several years I made sure her cup was full! I gave her ALL five of them as much as possible. Doing all that is great. It really is. While I definitely didn’t do anything wrong doing all these things, what I realized is; that you have to be GENUINE. It has to come from the heart. I am finding as we both grow in our relationship that when I just support her being with the things she likes and what makes her happy she does the same for me in return.
This one by Phil really is key, isn’t it? It’s what the crew of us learned at the marriage conference we went to in April, too. And this is what we’ll be elaborating on in tomorrow’s post–practical ways that you can show your spouse love in ways that they understand!
7. Make her life easier by thinking outside the box (or inside of it)
I cook three gourmet dinners a week for my wife, with the help of Hello Fresh, promo code: hellofresh/getsome –
Connor would like us all to know that that was, in fact, a joke. Unfortunately, the promo code he suggests doesn’t even work (we checked). But he’s right – doing something to make her life easier and a little out of the ordinary is a wonderful way to let you wife know she is loved. And he HAS been making the Hello Fresh meals for Rebecca lately, and having fun doing it, too!
8. Support her in her career
As I was working on making this list, I called my Dad to get some ideas. He hemmed and hawed and then he said, “you know, I did do the training course with Mom so that I could support her in her role as pastor and make sure she’d get through the course.” And I was reminded of what a big sacrifice that was – one night a week for three years, plus lots of homework on papers, all simply to support my mom in her calling. Since then, my dad has joined my mom in the pastorate and I enjoy being a “double PK”. But I’m reminded again of the sweet sacrifices my dad has made in the last few years to support my mom. Give your wife the same deference and allow supporting her calling to become a part of yours.
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
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9. Find a hobby to do together
We have a one year old daughter and we’ve discovered the joy of having things to do together in the midst of a crazy season of life. Sometimes it’s puttering in the garden, other days we’re looking after our pet rabbit, and other times we’re spending hours playing board games. Enjoying each other’s company as we go through the week has kept us close, even in the hard times
Sometimes it’s easy to let “spending time together” be “we’re both paying attention to our phones while we sit next to each other on the bed.” And hey, some of that is fair. But it’s not a good way to build intimacy or grow together as a couple. Remember that doing nothing is a choice, even if it doesn’t feel like one. If you’re having trouble thinking of a way to connect – check out Sheila’s list of 79 hobbies for couples to try.
10. Be there
With us, it’s in the little things. It’s noticing the dishes need to be done and acting on it, or asking my wife if I can make her some tea. Just little actions that show I am present and I care.
Isn’t that the heart of it? We need to be there, to be all in, with our spouses.
There you have it! 10 ways to show your wife you love her. Do you have any other ideas? Let me know in the comments!
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Some of the articles you write bring back painful childhood memories. Like this one. When you grow up in a household where love is conditional and can be given or taken away depending on your behavior or the whims of your parents, it has become very difficult for me to allow others to do things for me. I’m always questioning peoples motives, whether they want me to pay them back, and most of all, is it coming from a place of TRUE love, which doesn’t demand anything in return.
Always be mindful how you raise your children because it will have an everlasting impact on them. “Train up a child in the ways he should go….” Your actions as a parent will determine whether they have to work twice as hard or not as they journey through an already difficult world. I’m learning through counseling how to overcome conditional love, aka fake love.
A guy once bought me a beautiful solitaire necklace and my first response before even saying thank you was, “uh-oh, what do i have to do to repay you back” to which he responded, “Ummmm……nothing” and of course i said, “Are you sure?” See how conditional love messes with your mind, body and spirit. Disgusting!
Arwen, I’m so sorry that you went through that while young. A childhood friend of mine had a similar experience. His parents “love” depended almost entirely on the quality of his report card, and it didn’t serve him well. I try to let my little girl know that I always love her, even if she does something I don’t approve of.
The list is awesome, and I try (with some success) to do most of them. Items 1 and 10 are probably the key. Just be there for her. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Thank you for the condolence and i’m glad you’re doing the opposite for your family. It’s wonderful.
“I try to let my little girl know that I always love her, even if she does something I don’t approve of.”
This is key. One of the most moving things I ever saw was a pastor disciplining his 3yo son. He picked the boy up, practically sitting on his one shoulder, walked away from everyone and spoke seriously and quietly to him. I had never seen an adult take that much care of a child’s feelings before!
Keith, i know a lot of young men who do a fantastic job avoiding goals! As in they have none for their lives. LOL!
Did I miss something?! Connor and Rebecca are having a baby?!
Wow! 😁 Congratulations to them both and to all the family!!