We’re hear to change the conversation about sex and marriage in the evangelical church.
And in the wider church too! We want to make it something healthy, evidence-based, and biblical (by which we mean Jesus-centered).
And sometimes it’s good to pause and ask, “are we actually doing this? Are we making a difference?”
The end of May is often such a time, because I’ve just had my birthday (which is always a time that you look back on the last year!), and we’re getting ready to take a bit of time off of our regular schedule.
The Bare Marriage Summer Schedule
We’ll be taking June and July off of the blog
We’ll be taking July off of the podcast. (So in June the podcast posts will still appear on the blog!)
We will still be on Substack every Friday, and have our Friday email come out, and hit-and-miss Friday round-up videos!
So make sure you’re subscribed to our email list, and subscribe to us on YouTube as well!
I’ll be camping a bunch over the next few weeks, but I’m hoping to actually pound out a first draft of my next book, so it won’t be a complete vacation. I just want some time to be able to think about things.
But at these junctures I ask, “what have we accomplished this year”?
I know that we can’t measure God’s economy in the same way as we do things in the secular world, but at the same time, I want to use our resources (staff and time) well!
And as we started to ask this question this week, I also had a bunch of stories and emails that I read this week that answered that question for me. And I’d like to share them with you! So here’s how I’ve been measuring the impact we’ve had in 2024-2025:
1. We published an amazing, life-giving marriage book
I’m just so proud of The Marriage You Want! One of the emails I’ve been inundated by over the years is from pastors and counselors and chaplains who want pre-marital curriculum to use with couples, but they can’t find a healthy Christian marriage book. Many end up using John Gottman, or they use a Christian book and tell people to ignore certain parts.
Why isn’t there a healthy Christian book?
We know the answer–because evangelical marriage books start from the wrong premise (that men are in authority over women) and all sorts of toxic advice flows from there. (we’ve got a great podcast on that!).
And now there’s a healthy one! And if The Marriage You Want begins to be used, we may raise a whole generation of Christians who haven’t heard the toxic stuff! This book could make such a difference.
The Marriage You Want is HERE!
It's time for HEALTHY and SAFE marriage advice!
It's time for a marriage book that doesn't leave you defeated or guilty--but instead leaves you empowered, hopeful, and excited.
It's evidence-based. It's got tons of charts! And it's fun.
Available in audio, ebook, or paperback, with an accompanying study guide, let's talk about the things that actually go into making a great marriage, rather than the things that evangelicals have tended to stress that all too often harm.
Together, we can change the evangelical conversation about marriage!
I’ve had such great feedback about the book, and we’re working on a video curriculum this summer to go along with it so churches can use it in small groups.
So spread the word! With your help, we can make a real change in how people think about Christian marriages!
Universities are starting to use our materials
I’ve known this for a while, as we’ve spoken at Calvin University, Wheaton College, and Colorado Christian University. And I’ve done Zoom classes with several other universities. But this week I got a message that a very large Christian university is using some of our materials in its course on sex addictions. They had their students watch this podcast where we asked whether lust was really every man’s battle, had them read our one-sheet on Every Man’s Battle, and then do a discussion of it.
I know lots of universities use our books (especially The Great Sex Rescue), but that was really encouraging to me to hear. And apparently the discussion forum was roughly 80% in our favour, and lots of people changed their minds!
I won’t mention which university because I don’t want it to blow back on them, but I keep hearing things like this all the time. If we start teaching the next generation of pastors and counselors what’s actually healthy–imagine the change that will come!
2. Our work is popular internationally
Koorong, the main Christian book seller in Australia and New Zealand, recently did a whole spread on our books! It’s strange, but I’m actually better known in Australia and New Zealand than I am in my own country of Canada (check out this rather hilarious–and sorta positive–review of The Great Sex Rescue from Australia’s Gospel Coalition site!). But I think CANZAUK is a great place for me to focus a lot of my work in the future, and we are looking at doing more tours in Australia and New Zealand (and the UK!). So if you’re somewhere in CANZAUK and your church may be interested, just join our email list and reply to our next email and we’ll get you on the list!
(The picture isn’t the sharpest, but thank you to the woman from Australia who sent it to me!)
3. More and more churches are recommending our materials
This one is so encouraging to me! Just this week I heard about several different ones.
First, Refresh Community Church in St. Louis published a Bible study of their key beliefs, and included us as a recommended resource!
And I’m constantly getting emails from people saying, “my pastor mentioned you in the sermon this week!”, or pastors themselves saying how much they appreciate us. Here’s one from just outside Edmonton, Alberta:
My husband and I pastor a small church outside of Edmonton, Alberta (River of Hope in Devon). We love you and all your teachings. We give out the *Good Guides* in our pre-marriage counselling. We give out the *Great Sex Rescue* in couples counselling – and look forward to *The Marriage You Want*. We give away *She Deserves Better* and have talked about the importance of all of these books on a Sunday Morning “from the pulpit (we don’t have a pulpit)”. We even took a few Sundays to announce and encourage couples to take your survey. We promote the podcast and talk about it a lot. We are sold out.
I just want you to know we adore you when I say, but there are some churches who have removed all toxic teaching books from our libraries, and give sermons on the importance of equality not just in marriages but in churches. Churches that ensure women preach and are on the board. Senior Pastors who call out wrong teachings. We are here, listening and trying our best to change the church, one member at a time.
Isn’t that wonderful to hear?
4. People are picking up the mantle and confronting toxic teaching themselves
I’m always so encouraged to see new social media channels spring up that start making really thoughtful critiques of what is currently being said in evangelical circles. I love Her Cherch’s cartoons (and check out the her cherch merch in our store!). I love so many of you who speak up on Instagram and Facebook. And it was encouraging this week to share the onesheet on Eve in Exile that We Who Thirst created! (Crowdsourcing is awesome and shares the load!).
5. People’s lives are being changed
And then one of the most important ones to me–people’s lives are being changed.
I hear your stories every week, and so often they are stories of people at the end of their rope, desperately searching, and then God leading them to us.
Here’s just one that’s perfect to end on:
And here’s more evidence showing that what you have been telling your audience has an impact. In an effort to shame, control and manipulate me, my abusive husband (currently divorcing) sent me this article. I waited a week before I opened the email and lo and behold! I recognized the whole thing as toxic teaching and incredibly bad theology!! There was not even a hint of guilt in my heart as I read it. I picked it apart from the title to the end.
WOW! Sheila, this is a HUGE shift from years past. Not too long ago, I would have had to wrestle, pray, and look up the scripture verses and ask more wise friends what they thought. (Also, there was a time when this type of teaching kept me bound in an abusive relationship for YEARS! Not today!)
As I write this I am in awe of God’s providence, so please hear me. I was finishing the article from my husband when I was prompted by the Spirit to look at the chapter we’re *currently studying* in Susanna’s book (ed. note: Forgiveness After Trauma that I talked about on our podcast), and here’s what spoke to me and what the circle of healing women discussed yesterday:
…Some of us have heard a message heartbreakingly familiar. Some of us have heard a message to abandon our lives, to sacrifice our true identities. Some of us have heard a message to sacrifice ourselves, to lay down our lives even to the point, at times, of our own physical, emotional, and spiritual deaths…
For many theologians, the action of Jesus Christ on the cross is the crux of forgiveness. As survivors and victims of abuse, we often hear that Jesus modeled forgiveness for us, and now we have to live it out by shouldering the sins of our abusers. At least, that’s what it sounds like from the many books I’ve read.
But what about when survivors and victims have already borne the cost of abusers’ sins time and time again? p.157-58
Equating interpersonal forgiveness with Jesus’ action on the cross is inappropriate. (emphasis mine) Countless people are suffering in situations of abuse right now and feel they cannot leave because if they do, they will not be living up to Jesus’ example of self-surrender and forgiveness. p.159
I could go on, but won’t. Suffice it to say the Spirit is using your teaching and Susanna’s book to help in a very tangible way in my life and the lives of several others. Growth is happening. Healing is happening. The Truth is setting people FREE! Thank you and please, please know you’re making an impact in His Kingdom.
I love that, because she’s experiencing freedom not just from our resources, but also from other resources I introduced her to.
Where do we go from here?
We have some big projects on the go behind the scenes. We’ve got Spanish translations coming soon of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. We’re working on a 6-episode podcast series that’s going to be AMAZING (more on that in the fall! We’re hoping to launch in January!). We have a BUNCH of new academic papers we’re about to submit, so we’re hoping to change the convo in academia about the Christian books that are out there.
We’re approaching from all fronts, and if you want to support us, please consider becoming a monthly donor. Even as little as $10 a month makes a huge difference–and if everyone who interacted with us on a weekly basis gave $10 a month, our budget would rival Focus on the Family’s! It’s tax deductible within the U.S. If you’re not an American, then consider joining our Patreon, where you can also get perks!
Changing the convo about sex and marriage in the church is a big job.
We’re trying to attack it from all sides:
- social media and podcasts to get to everyone;
- books for everyone but to also reach pastors and counselors; podcast series to increase our reach;
- translations to get in different countries; and
- academic papers to change how pastors and counselors are taught.
But what I’ve realized so clearly this week in reading my emails is that we’re not alone. You’re all with us, in your own way, in your own community, reaching those we never could.
So thank you–and I’ll see you again on the blog in August!
Just one more plea–we really could use more support! I hate having to ask, but the funds help us pay for professional video editors; for translations; for research; for more. We’re working on a shoe string budget, and the more partners we have, the more we can get done!
A lot of exciting things! Enjoy your time off!
The review from TGC is so unintentionally funny. I especially like the bit where he complains that “The Great Sex Rescue makes too much of sex.” How shocking that a book titled “The Great Sex Rescue” focuses on…sex!
I thought the review was super encouraging! Especially the fact that the book has a huge underground following!
Hello from Norway here! I have read quite a lot of your website in the last few months, and find it very healthy and informative. But there are some things I don’t understand. You (and you readers) repeatedly refer to “books used in pre-marital couples counselling”. But to me, that begs a very fundamental question:
Is there actually a NEED for pre-marital counselling? And if so, why exactly does it require a whole book? I am asking the question because I know many of my Christian friends (of various denominations) never had any pre-marital counselling, yet have had long and happy marriages. Others, like myself, had very cursory such counselling (my denomination is the Salvation Army). It was 27 years ago, but it consisted of 3 printed sheets, on Communication, Expectations and Sex. I have to say that the officer couple who gave us this focused mainly on the first 2 and as little as possible on the third. It was as if they didn’t want to talk about sex at all. I sometimes think that there wasn’t actually a lot of point to this counselling, as we’ve hardly ever argued about sex, and mainly about money, which they didn’t cover at all.
So, please explain why you think such books are actually necessary?
I’m in the U.S. The answer to your question would require a long post, even a book, to fully answer, but here are a few thoughts, in no particular order. Note that these thoughts are related to the Protestant evangelical Christianity I was raised in. Other Christian traditions may differ.
1. There is a strong desire to do things “right.” This requires rules to follow.
1b. The pastor/church is expected to give those rules.
2. There is a strong desire for Christians to look and live visibly different from non-Christians.
2b. The pastor/church is expected to tell people what to do to look and live differently from non-Christians.
3. There is an underlying idea that if the idea comes from non-Christians, then the idea is contrary to the Bible and should not be followed.
3b. There is an expectation that Christians will be better, and therefore more appealing, than non-Christians in all areas of life. Being better (as defined by the person giving the rules) is seen as God’s blessing and proof that you are following God faithfully.
4. Pastors/churches are expected to tell people exactly what to do so that the person’s life will be better than non-Christians and so that the person can feel confident that they are correctly following God. This relates to all areas of life, including marriage. The reality is that even Christian marriages have problems. Thus, marriage counseling from the church was born.
4b. Churches/pastors don’t have the education to counsel people about marriage. Thus, a publishing industry was born.
4c. Untrained people using a book rather than sending people to licensed counselors goes back to the ideas that input from non-Christians is always wrong; the Holy Spirit will teach Christians, even if they don’t take the time to be educated (because secular ideas will lead them astray); the desire for rules to follow; and the expectation that the church/pastor give people those rules.
Books are necessary in the sense that when people want to know something, they often read and a book can deal more fully with a topic than a post or podcast episode can. Are books necessary for pre-marital counseling? Maybe not necessary, but they can be useful. A healthy book used in a healthy way can help people talk about important topics. It’s easier to talk about an idea in a book than an idea that you or I claim, but through talking about the book’s ideas, we learn what we and others think.
Great thoughts!
Well said!
Taking time off the blog? You should do guest posts. I would love to see one by Jo R.
Yes!