Keith’s joining me for part of today’s Bare Marriage podcast!
A number of you said that you wanted to hear more from him, so we decided to record at night when he was home. You’ll get a sense of what we’re like together–we were kind of joking around a bit. I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: How to Use the Five Whys
I wanted to talk about yesterday’s post–using the 5 whys to uncover the root of marriage problems. We shared some of the issues we’ve had in marriage, and how we found the root. And we talked about how we grew apart, and also how we figured out how to stay connected, even if we were often in different cities.
I go into both of these things in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, too!
What’s holding you back from a GREAT marriage?
Reader Question: I’m a Newlywed, and Sex Isn’t Going Very Well
I shared this question from a lovely young woman:
I have been reading your blog off and on since getting married and read your book ‘Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex’ and so I figure the following questions I have are not going to be too awkward for you to handle. It took us two weeks to go ‘all the way’ because my muscles were tighter than the security at Fort Knox. 2 days into marriage I called my mom-age nurse friend whom I had been told to call if we had questions. She told my husband how to manually stretch me to allow for intercourse.
It wasn’t fun, but once again showed me that my husband loved me and was willing to work and fight for me.
Now we’re kinda stuck again in our sex life. We understand the longer we’re married the more we’ll grow in these areas, but it feels like we’ve plateaued. I’m loose enough for intercourse, but still not very loose. We can only do the missionary position, any other experimenting causes pain. I’d really like to experiment with some other positions because I think it may end up having sex more pleasurable for me in particular. My husband has only hit my ‘spot’ a couple of times, and it felt great, but we’ve never managed to coordinate enough to bring me to orgasm. And, we’ve never managed to get more than half of him inside of me.
Second of all, my dear husband has a hard time staying stiff. I love to get him all excited, but it seems like he can’t stay stiff for very long at all, and if it’s a day that I’m more tight, it’s just a bad combination. More foreplay helps me loosen up, but unfortunately it has the same affect on my husband most of the time. My husband gets very discouraged because he can’t figure out how to work through these issues his body is experiencing and I get very discouraged because it seems like as his wife I should be able to excite him enough to stay stiff. Travel and work stress also make him less able to stay stiff, and the last thing I want is for him to feel inadequate just because his body isn’t up for it.
Wow! Lots of issues there. I answered in the podcast what their next steps should be–basically, she needs to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist, and he should likely see a doctor (and also make sure there’s not porn issues at play). But the big thing I want people to know is that after you’ve been married for a few months, if sex still isn’t working, it is okay to ask for help from professionals. It really is!
Comment: I Finally Understood Why Some Think that the Man Has to be in Charge
I thought I’d talk this week about a Twitter conversation I got in to that was very enlightening. It all started from a tweet I put up that went rather viral (Al Mohler is a leader in the Southern Baptist Convention and the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary).
With all due respect Dr. Mohler, I never thought I would see the day that the @HoustonChron uncovered horrible enabling of child sex abuse by the IMB—and then on that day you decided the biggest threat to your denomination was women. https://t.co/XmMvjtfy7b
— SheilaGregoire (@sheilagregoire) May 31, 2019
I had a number of conversations result from that tweet and several like it, and with one man I was talking about how God’s aim is that we follow His will. So I said to him: If, in marriage, the husband wants A, and the wife wants B, but B is definitely God’s will and the wife knows it, what should she do? He reiterated that she should do A. But what was so interesting was WHY. I had never understood this before, but he said that she should do A because it’s impossible to know God’s will because God doesn’t speak to us anymore.
He only speaks to individuals very rarely. And that’s why he put authority structures in place for us to follow.
Wow. What a breakthrough. I feel like I finally understand where some are coming from. I asked him for chapter and verse on how God doesn’t speak to us anymore, which of course he couldn’t provide (and there are many, many telling us that we can discern God’s voice and discern God’s will), but I finally understood.
So I thought I’d talk in this podcast about how I hear God’s voice, and about how the idea that you CAN’T hear God’s voice is really where bad marriage theology comes from (and likely where that terrible list of 98 sins that you can commit against your husband comes from, too).
Plus I featured a brilliant comment by EM, left earlier this week:
Having your spouse be disappointed in you is hard. It hurts. But if you tell wives they are sinning for expressing their hurts, you guarantee that her husband will not mature. And if you tell him that he is being godly for acting that way, it is practically hopeless. He may not become abusive, but you have stunted his personal growth. It’s like this whole movement was created to shield men’s fragile egos.
It was fun having Keith join me. Rebecca didn’t this week–too much going on in her life. But tell me what you’d like to hear about from Keith and maybe we’ll talk about it next time.