Can we talk about the economics of sex?
It’s time for another edition of the Bare Marriage podcast, and this week we’re talking about how to have more sex!
I hope you all will listen to the podcast and consider this extras. I like to leave more things to read based on what I said on the podcast. So, without further adieu, give this a listen:
Main Segment: Why Aren’t You Having More Sex?
I’m a huge fan of Economics 101. As I explained in the podcast, I took it three times in my life, and then I taught it to my girls, too, when they were taking online university courses.
One of the concepts that I find really helpful is the relation between demand and supply. Now, for our purposes today, you don’t have to understand all of it. But here’s the jist:
Sex is going to get more expensive (or harder to get) if the individual ingredients that make sex possible become harder to get. And when things are harder to get, you don’t get as much of them. In other words, you have less sex.
I’ve explained this in detail in this post on Economics and Sex. And I made this horrible graphic that tries to explain what happens when the “price” of everything that goes into sex goes up. You get less sex!
And then this week I was talking about 10 reasons you’re not having more sex.
Of course, the main reasons are always libido issues, or relationship issues, or trauma issues, and things like that. But I’ve talked about those a lot. And today what I want to show you is that sometimes it’s just a lot more mundane. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything particularly sinister going on, or that we’re broken, or the relationship is broken. It’s just that life is getting in the way. So what can we do to stop that from happening?
That was the focus of our challenge this week!
Take a look at the 10 reasons you may not be having sex, and identify 1-2 to tackle. Have your husband look through the list, too!
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?
There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
Reader Question: How Do We Stop Life From Getting in the Way?
Rebecca and I dealt with two quite similar questions about how to keep the relationship alive when life is just busy. Here’s the big one that we tackled:
Right now my husband and I are having a hard time spending time together. We have been married a few years, and together for a little longer. We have two kids under 2 and then an older child. Our sex life before was amazing but now our living situation has us with my in-laws. My husband works and my daughter goes to school more than an hour from the house so they have to get up and leave the house by 6 and I often don’t see him again until after dinner. So when my husband and I get to talk its usually on the phone, there are days that we want to be intimate and plan to but by the time we are able to we are just too tired. We know we love each other and we talk about it but we are struggling to get that time. So how can we get to enjoy each other’s company without all the distractions?
We went into a lot more detail in the podcast, but I’ll say two quick things here: You can put up with anything if there’s an end date. But if there’s no end date, make one. You can’t live like this for an extended time. Maybe it means you re-evaluate what you want out of life (as in where you live, or what you do for work), but this has to change.
The second thing which may not relate to this woman in particular (it depends WHY her child is going to school so far away) is that you don’t have to sacrifice your life for your child to have a perfect life. It’s okay for a child not to have a perfect life if it means you don’t have a miserable life. I know a lot of parents who sacrifice everything for one child’s happiness, but then the family loses too much. The family matters, too, which is what I was saying on Monday on our post about kids’ schedules and extracurricular activities.
Comment: Yes, men are responsible for sexual assault. But women should still learn to minimize risk.
When I published the post last week about 10 tips to teach a daughter to stay safe from sexual assault on campus,I had a number of people tell me that the way to prevent sexual assault is to teach men not to rape, period. We shouldn’t be putting the burden on women.
In theory, I agree, which is why I started that post with that hilarious Twitter thread about putting the onus back on men.
But at the same time, that’s simply not going to happen. You can’t educate evil out of people. There will always be evil people around us. And so I think it’s much better to teach basic things to help minimize (though we can never eliminate) risk. That doesn’t mean you’re responsible if something happens. But to say, “I’m not going to teach my daughter anything because it shouldn’t be her burden to carry” may be politically true, but personally, I would rather my daughter stay safe.
Politics is one thing. Real life is another. And we live in the real world, even if it’s ugly.
So that’s it for the podcast today. Please listen in, and if you like it, leave a 5-star review and subscribe, because the more people review it, the more will listen!
And let me know: Do you think it’s fair to address sexual assault prevention at girls, too? And what do you think of my economics and demand and supply (because that was fun to record!). Let’s talk in the comments!
I have a quick comment about the sexual assault and minimizing risk disagreement. Teaching assault safety is no different than teaching fire drills. Just because it shouldn’t happen to you and you didn’t do anything wrong your house could still catch fire. Not being proactive is just silly.
Exactly.
Great points, Sheila! And yes, even though assault is ALWAYS and ENTIRELY the fault of the assaulter, people can and should do things to minimize their risk.
We call that being “pro active”. It means that I’m going to make it my responsibility to take care of something even if it’s not officially my job.
And as far as reducing the chance of rape, awareness of your situation is one the biggest items on the list.
Regarding sexual assault: I would rather have the power to minimize and avoid situations that can put me in more harm than necessary. When i first came to America i used to have a bad habit of getting into cars when men offered me a ride because it was common to do back home. I was quickly scolded and warned by the women around me to NEVER, EVER do that again!
Why on earth anyone would want to make women vulnerable to the wickedness that exists on this planet is beyond me. I’ll not sit here and wait for other people to do the right thing, instead i want to feel empowered, and exhaust every option possible to protect myself. When you tell women to just wait on men to be good then you’re telling her how much she’s worth, which is zero.
Assuming because you teach boys not to rape will make them not rape is a belief only an atheist can have. Do you know how many times a day the Ten Commandments are broken by the human race. If people will not listen to God when He tells them don’t do something what makes you think they will listen to you a fallen humans like them?
Nobody is denying that women can do whatever they want and live freely, all we’re saying is protect yourself while you’re living freely. Because YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO. If i may use an analogy, Black Americans had the right to live freely in a land that they built, however that didn’t mean they didn’t take the necessary preventative measures when the KKK strolled through town looking to kill one of them. MLK had a gun, Malxom X had a gun, as did many others, etc. Did they have to do this, couldn’t you just teach those white people not to murder. Yes, but what a person decides to do in their heart is all on them.
Like the rape victim those black people were not at fault for what happened to them. Because in a world where Satan is the ruler evil will often triumph more than good. But in the mean time you have the tools to fight it or go down fighting it! I would rather take the latter option. Fight with every force, every tool and every muscle fiber in me. One of us will lose but my job is to make sure it’s YOU!
This is exactly what I think, too, Arwen!
“.You can’t educate evil out of people. There will always be evil people around us. And so I think it’s much better to teach basic things to help minimize (though we can never eliminate) risk. “ Not to sound petty, but this was exactly my point in the comment section a few days ago, yet when I brought this up you stated I had an unhealthy way of looking at things. So now I’m confused. Lol.
Yes I totally understand your point, Katherine, the difference was that it can be problematic when people start using specific, actual rape victims as examples of what NOT to do. We can talk in generalities and get the same message across without speaking badly of someone who has already been a victim of something horrific.
That’s the difference between victim blaming and giving advice–there’s no need to bring someone in as an example of “bad choices” when we could just talk about practical steps without making it personal. 🙂
Oh, I totally agreed with that part of it, Katherine. What I was uncomfortable with was saying that in Brock Turner’s situation, she should realize that it would not have happened had she not been drunk. I just don’t want to blame someone for someone else raping them. I think that it’s a good idea to teach these things, but that’s not the same thing as saying that if you don’t do them, and something happens, that you’re to blame. That’s just a very dangerous way of talking about it that can be very harmful to those who have gone through trauma. And where do we draw the line? If it was wrong to get drunk, is it wrong to have any alcohol at all? Is it wrong to wear a short skirt? How short? Is there a point at which it was your fault? I’m just very wary of that sort of thing. I hope that makes sense!
Good for those women around you, Arwen! Yes, never get into a car with a stranger, and I’m glad that you never got hurt. Most men would probably not hurt you in such a situation, and if a woman ever asked me for a ride home, she’d be in no danger, but a strange person in a car is a HUGE unknown.
And, on the flip side, we also advise against the opposite: Never pick up a hitchhiker.
> > Assuming because you teach boys not to rape will make
> > them not rape is a belief only an atheist can have.
I believe that this can work sometimes, and that we SHOULD teach our children morality. But there will always be a few bad apples (who those who become bad) and will do horrible things no matter how much we lecture them.
So yes, absolutely teach good morality and respect for people, but also protect yourself.
Re: Sexual assault. We have been teaching women and girls ways to reduce their risk for years. It’s not new, this advice. I follow a lot of it, or have in the past.
But I think the point others are making is that It might be nice if we put even HALF of the attention we put on ‘risk prevention’ for women towards men. We just…don’t.
We can teach about consent. We can teach men not to make disgusting jokes about rape and to hold others accountable. We can hold judges accountable when they try to protect predators with minimal sentences instead of victims. We can do a lot of things that we really aren’t doing now.
It’s kind of like suicide prevention, just because we can’t get to zero doesn’t mean we can’t *try*. Maybe we can’t stop rape entirely, but we can create conditions where it is not acceptable and where the blame is put exactly where it rests, on the perpetrators.
Absolutely agree, Lea. I just don’t think it’s an either/or. That’s why we’ve put a bit about consent in our puberty course for boys. But to say that we ONLY need to teach consent and that will cure rape is simply not in line with the human condition.
But I do agree–we need to talk more to boys about this, and especially about stopping the rape culture/jokes that support it.
A few things I would love to see happen to regarding sexual assault and the broader culture:
•Reinstatement of the death penalty for forcible rape, including rapes where the woman was drugged against her knowledge or consent. This is something that should be taken very seriously by the justice system, and right now it isn’t.
• Teaching men and boys that women are not prey. By far the best way to do this is to equip women and girls to not be prey, and for boys to grow up seeing women who are both virtuous and equipped to defend their bodies and virtue effectively. I know a few males who got their butts kicked by women they attacked (3 wife-beaters and several adolescent schoolboys), and it was a life-changing experience for all of them.
• Teaching boys and girls both that they are meant to work together and be on the same team. Feminism has involved a lot of campaigning against males by females, with the predictable result of increasing hostility between the sexes. If boys grow up thinking girls are snobs and “Stacies” who are hostile and only good for one thing, it’s less of a leap from there to “Why shouldn’t I just take the only good thing she has to offer”?
• Ladies, make it easy for men to like and respect you, and as hard as you can for them to prey on you.
• Men, practice saying no to yourself for your own good. Having (much less taking) any sex you happen to find accessible is bad for you on several levels.
And this is the part that is probably going to get me deleted: women who make false accusations should be put in jail. Yes, this does happen, and real victims pay the cost in disbelief and reluctance to enact harsh penalties on rapists. I personally know at least five men off the top of my head who were falsely accused of assaults that never happened. Not a misunderstanding over consent, but completely fictional assaults made up out of whole cloth for the purpose of leverage or plain old revenge. This cheapens and trivializes sexual assault as a crime, undermines real victims, and wastes investigative resources. I believe taking this seriously must go hand-in-hand with taking rape and sexual assault seriously.
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you’ve said! And any parent of sons should be teaching them to be a decent person, a man of integrity. Sons and daughters also need to be warned of the dangers of putting yourself into a compromising situation with someone you don’t really know well – sexual assault or false accusations are both horrid consequences that children must be educated on (when age appropriate).
I agree that we get to make choices that are healthy for our entire family – not just one member. And we need to identify things we’re doing that aren’t sustainable in the long-term so that our marriages can thrive.
Absolutely agree in teaching women ways to be smart and avoid any sort of assault. My girls are being taught a few things are guaranteed to help us to keep a clear head – no being drunk or high on drugs. Lots of rapes happen when girls aren’t in their right minds. No going out alone late at night. Keep your privates covered (I mean, we expect this of men too so it’s not a huge ask!).
And of course we all agree to teach our boys to value and respect women.
But personally, I’m one of those types that looks at the problem more from the perspective of what did we do to get this problem in the first place? I mean, I know as long as there is evil on earth, people will be selfish and take things that aren’t theirs to have.
But when do we take not such a passive stance and become a bit more on the offensive? Like realize that we women had a role in this society we now live in? Have we made sex a free for all? On our TVs, in the movies and magazines? In the sleeping with guys on the first or second date? Using sex to get ahead in our jobs?
Murder is murder. Rape is rape. No blame on individual victims. But WE as a society probably have to consider changing several things if we want to lessen our current rape culture and keep ourselves and other women/ girls safe…
I hear you, Allison. I don’t think the problem with rape, though, is about promiscuity in our culture. Rape is about power; it tends to be more prevalent in cultures where women have little power, even where there isn’t promiscuity. I do think we should reduce promiscuity, which is why I write so much on why we should save sex until marriage. I just don’t think it’s tied in here.
What I do think is tied in is rape culture in general, which is seeing women as objects. That’s about fighting porn; about seeing women as whole people and respecting them for their thoughts and opinions; and all of that. I did write about that in my post on 12 ways we can help men defeat lust, though that’s a different problem. But the key to preventing rape seems to be more about treating women as valuable in the wider society as a whole.
Ironically, studies have shown that when societies are transforming and giving women more rights, there will be an increase in rape rates due to men feeling left out. But that tends to be a temporary blip. It’s all a huge mess. Making it wrong to treat anyone as less than a human being worthy of all respect is likely the first step.
This is so incorrect. Look at countries where women live in fear, where women don’t go outside alone, where most people wait for marriage for sex, and sexual assault (inside and outside homes) is most common in those places! I’m thinking India, Afghanistan— all places where women are “modest” and “gentle” but are viewed as less than and inferior and are “punished” when they are out of line.