The Podcast About Women and Porn (And Creepy Dudes!)

by | Apr 18, 2019 | Uncategorized | 21 comments

Podcast on Women and Porn
Merchandise is Here!

We need to get real about women and porn use–and women and erotica.

We tend to talk about porn as a man’s issue, but 30% of porn users are female, and almost all erotica readers are female. This is serious! So let’s get serious on the podcast today (and even if you don’t struggle with porn, please listen, especially if you have daughters, because I talk about teens and porn, too!).

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

How do you find the older podcasts?

The easiest way is to go to wherever you normally listen to podcasts–iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, Spotify, whatever–and search for Bare Marriage and subscribe!

I’ve also put a link on the menu where you can find all my previous podcast posts. Or you can just go over to Buzzsprout where I host them! (But seriously, just subscribe! It’s easier).

Main Segment: Women, Porn, Erotica–and How to Find Intimacy Again

There’s a LOT of info in this segment, and I can’t summarize it all here. But basically I looked at how a porn problem often starts for women, and how an erotica problem can start. I give some tips on what moms can do if daughters are consumed by romance novels, and then talk about how stories and novels have an ability to influence our fantasy life even more than other mediums do.

(By the way, if you have any great suggestions about novels that teenagers can read, can you put them in the comments?)

Then I look at the effects of porn on women. Unlike men, women can hide problems much better. With men who use porn, sexual dysfunction often follows. But because women can become aroused just through fantasy far more easily than men can, a woman with a porn problem can actually look quite sexually responsive.

Finally, I talk about how to stop the need to fantasize to become aroused. Please listen, because this stuff matters! And if you struggle with porn, Covenant Eyes is a great tool for women, too.

 

Millennial Marriage: What if my daughter is dating someone I don’t like?

Becca and I decided to tackle a reader question in our segment this week! I guess it’s not technically a millennial marriage question, but we were talking about young people and dating. Here was the question:

My eldest is 19 years old and away at university. We are a Christ loving and very happy family. Our children were homeschooled and we were quite laid back compared to most families that we know. Anyway, my daughter is becoming very interested in a young man at school. He is kind and open hearted, but he does not yet know Jesus as his savior. He comes from a broken home and has lived a much different  life that our daughter. Should we intervene before they become too involved or should we trust God and our daughter to handle the relationship?

Our quick answer: you can influence, but you can’t intervene. And we talked about some great ways to do that!

(Incidentally, you may get a kick out of Connor’s text to me as he was editing the podcast):

Connor Funny Text on our podcast

And I was only kidding about that last part, by the way….

Connor’s great 😉

Reader Question: How do I Protect my Sister from Creepy Dudes?

We had a big sister writing in about how her little sister is constantly hit on–and that, plus a combination of family issues, has made her really insecure and scared of men.

 

I have a sister who is gorgeous. She works as a waitress.  She is constantly hit on by men of all ages, even in front of these men’s wives. She has been sexually harrassed and assaulted. She can’t even go to Walmart in everyday attire without men staring at her like she’s a dog. This and several other things led her to suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and all around fear of men. As her older sister, I can’t begin to tell you how angry this makes me. She is a believer, however, our dysfunctional family has left her with a rocky faith. She is in a bad relationship with a narcissistic guy, but he is the only man she feels slightly safe with. My question is this: how does a young Christian girl, who struggles with her faith, insecurity, her identity, and appearance, deal with such an immense burden of constant lust from unbelieving men? Is there anything I can do as her sister to help?

I get it. That’s a really big problem. We talked about two big things: teaching her that it’s okay to be rude to creepy people, and also that it’s important to get part of a healthy community. And invite her sister along! (The narcissistic boyfriend is a whole other problem, that’s super difficult too).

These two posts may help:

Comment: You do need to talk about issues

I loved this comment about how boundaries really can work!

That’s it for today. I hope you enjoyed it!

And I hope you have a wonderful Easter. You know, we often think about the significance of Jesus dying (which we remember tomorrow, on Good Friday). I’m not sure we truly understand the significance of Jesus rising from the dead. Once He did, He sent the Holy Spirit who can live in us and have a relationship with us. It means that we are never alone. That we have someone to guide us. That we have power to defeat some of the things that plague us in our lives.

If you’re dealing with porn, or struggling with your sense of self-worth, meditate on what Easter means. It’s pretty awesome. And I hope that this weekend you get an even greater sense of that!

Happy Easter, everyone!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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21 Comments

  1. K

    Didn’t have time to listen to the podcast, but have definitely experienced the struggles with erotica that you’re talking about here. I LOVE to read, especially when I was in high school, but a lot of popular “Christian” novels have romance scenes that fueled my fantasy struggles. Novels that I love that have been so wonderful and good for me:
    – Anne of Green Gables
    -Little Women
    – LOTR
    – Harry Potter
    – Les Miserables
    – Narnia
    – Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility
    Those are just a few. But all books with captivating stories, characters I can admire, and more realistic and healthy romances (if any) that left me dreaming about the kind of woman I want to be rather than fixated on some idealized idea of romance.

    Reply
    • Andrea

      I want to second Jane Austen novels for teenage girls and all the female English writers of the 19th century, in fact. The Bronte sisters and also George Eliot (pen name for Mary Ann Evans), though the latter might be more college-level reading prose. They all depict strong young women navigating the challenges of old patriarchy — the pressure to marry, the inability to obtain a higher education, etc. It will give your daughters the sense that other women before them had it even tougher, but were able to manage, so they can too. Exposing them to literary classics early might also make them unable to get through erotica simply because it is so poorly written, as it did for me. I’ve seen a couple of comments on the Fifty Shades of Grey posts about how poorly those books are written and one of my friends who gave it a try said the style of the prose is even more painful than the BDSM it describes 🙂 Expose them to the good stuff first, so they can recognize smut for what it is when they encounter it.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        YESSSS to the poorly written stuff! (although I’ve never even tried Fifty Shades either). I find that even with modern romances, even Christian ones. They’re just so poorly written and so badly plotted. Jane Austen did an amazing job. I have to say, though, I really didn’t like Jane Eyre. I’m not a huge fan of all of the female 19th century writers, but that’s likely just me. But I reread Austen almost every year!

        Persuasion is still one of my favourites…

        Reply
        • Natalie

          Gilbert Blythe was my first literary crush. Looooove the Anne of Green Gables series, especially for tween girls. I hope we have a daughter someday so I can share all those classics with her. That’s what I grew up on and can’t imagine my childhood without them!

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Gilbert is definitely awesome! 🙂

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Great suggestions! And so many are classics. Totally agree. Any other suggestions, everyone else reading this, for books for teens who want to read “grown up” books that are good?

      Reply
      • Melissa W

        I’d highly recommend Madeleine L’Engle’s time quintet. Obviously, A Wrinkle In Time is her most famous book but all five of the books have strong female characters and include more romantic relationships as you go through. The third one, A Swiftly Tilting Planet, was the most difficult one for me to follow because there is a lot of jumping through time and I had a hard time connecting it all since it wasn’t happening in chronological order but I loved all four of the other books. I would also recommend C.S. Lewis’s Space Trilogy. The first one doesn’t really include a female character but the second and third books have female main characters that struggle through their faith and come out victorious on the other side of the struggle.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Yes, Lewis’ trilogy is amazing!

          Reply
      • Laura

        Some awesome contemporary clean YA authors are Melanie Dickerson, Mary Weber, and Nadine Brandes! Highly recommend. Melanie writes fairytale retellings. Mary writes fantasy/sci-fi YA, and Nadine does historical!

        Reply
  2. Kate

    Great podcast as usual Sheila and Rebecca! I just want to say 2 things.

    1). Regarding the beautiful waitress who’s being bothered by men, i can’t echo enough what Sheila said. Learn self confidence so you can speak up for yourself. I’m in her shoes ALL the time. As a beautiful woman (not trying to sound conceited just saying i can empathize, i have had modeling agencies ask me to model for them, i decline every time) i had to learn the hard way to speak up and defend myself, since no one is going to do it for me. So if someone is staring at you for a LONG time ask politely why they are staring. Every guy i asked felt embarrassed and apologized. If you’re harassed same thing, speak up! No need to be suicidal over these lustful, depraved men. Unfortunately quitting waitress isn’t going to work either because people like looking at beautiful things and she will be stared at wherever she goes. So the BEST solution is to find your worth in Christ and become courageous! There is no fear in Christ.

    2). Regarding the fact that it being easier for women to hide sexual sin than men, is spot on! And i believe that applies to other area of sins too. Often men tend to EXTERNALIZE their sins while women tend to INTERNALIZE our sins. That’s why prisons are filled with male criminals and in those prisons so much violence takes place. When men hurt they tend to hurt others; shooting up schools, churches, hurting children, killing women, raping other men in prison, etc. When women hurt we tend to hurt ourselves; cuttings, suicide, weight gain which then leads to all sorts of diseases, prostitution, drugs, etc. And so unsurprisingly, sexual sin is just another area where it manifests itself differently in either gender. For example: there are more female prostitutes and there are more male rapists. Both are sexual sins but one is hurting innocent people (rape) and the other is hurting THAT individual (prostitution).

    Hopefully my tangent made sense. 🙂

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Totally made sense, Kate! Thank you. And you’re totally right on both counts. We women need to find our worth in Christ. So much of the world tries to destroy our worth–but we are greatly loved. If we could only hold on to that, and let go of the shame, I think both of these issues would be much easier to deal with.

      Reply
    • Andrea

      It COMPLETELY makes sense, the whole thing about men hurting other people while women hurt themselves. I’ve even seen depression (which is more of a female than male problem) described as aggression turned inwards. You’re spot on, Kate. Also, don’t ever apologize for being beautiful! 🙂

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Oh, that’s a great definition of depression! I’m going to chew on that one for a bit.

        Reply
      • Sheep

        I understand what you are saying, just be careful of the broad generalizations. There are women out there that are quite capable of hurting others and have no conscience about it. At the same time there are men that internalize everything and hurt themselves. Unfortunately as our society deteriorates this becomes even more common.

        Reply
        • Kate

          I defiantly agree, Sheep. That’s why i used the words “tend too.” Trust me i have seen the show, Deadly Women, on the I.D. channel and others. I’m just talking about disproportions. 🙂

          Reply
  3. Phil

    Creepy men know what vibes to key on that women put out. I hear it all the time. Tis true. I dont know much about it but I hear men tell me alot that is there skill. I have a freinds who is a former prostitute who also knows how to find men who will abuse her. Sounds crazy but people learn these skills. Skills? Eeek. Man sometimes we put our brains to bad use….

    Reply
  4. Natalie

    Millennial Marriage segment comment:

    I was that girl. The first guy who ever told me he liked me was from a single parent home, low income family and different race too… so, pretty much polar opposite of me and my family and upbringing. We were long distance for basically all of the “relationship” (if it can even be called that. I don’t considered him to be a boyfriend personally), so that helped things not get physical. He was kind and gentlemanly and, at age 16-17, made me feel like I wasn’t some freak who repelled all the guys (hence why I was attracted to him). My parents met him once, liked him well enough, but discouraged me from getting anymore involved. I went behind their backs and continued to talk to him on the phone. And within several months, I realised ON MY OWN that he wasn’t the kind of guy I wanted to date. I really wish my parents hadn’t stepped in and made me feel guilty for or ashamed of my feelings cuz it did more harm than good.

    Fast forward 2-3 years and I met my husband in college, also from a very low income home (but same race as me) with a very messed up family situation and parents who divorced once he was in college. He was not a Christian either when we met, though he did have lots of Christ-like traits. My parents liked him well enough when they met him, and didn’t say anything to me (probably because I was already out of the house and in college). He did in the end become a believer, and for all our faults, I can’t see myself married to anyone else. I’m so glad God put us together.

    Reply
    • Natalie

      Side note: my husband is SOOOOO thankful to have the stability and love and “normalcy” from my family. He loves coming for visits with them. The whole mentorship idea like you mentioned is so true, especially given his upbringing. I think it’s really beautiful and inspiring how he’s turning around his family’s legacy for the past couple generations and being an incredible dad and putting effort into our marriage, even if that’s taken some encouragement and initiation from me. 😉 I sometimes wonder if he would act the same way if he’d married someone who also came from a very broken home like him and what their life and children would’ve been like. I’m glad our lives have turned out the way they are unfolding.

      Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s so lovely, Natalie. Thank you!

      Reply
  5. Madeline

    I really appreciate y’all’s answer to the question from the parent of the 19 year old! When I started dating my now husband when I was 19, I was the girl that the parents weren’t super thrilled about 😬 Not because I’m not from a good home (he’s from a split home, I’m not) or because we weren’t both Christians, but they were worried I wouldn’t mesh well with their family for personality reasons (that’s putting it lightly, but I don’t want to get into a lot of detail). I think y’all are totally right that parents can have an opinion about their adult children’s relationships and still advise them without trying to control their life. Sometimes even when well-meaning parents try to control their adult children, they often end up doing the most damage to their own relationship with their child!

    I remember when I was in that situation (but the other side of it obviously) I had no idea what to do! Maybe sometime y’all could write a post on how to handle issues or concerns with your potential in-laws? For instance, when to view familial dysfunction as a red flag or how to draw boundaries with your SO and their parents, even before you’re married? I don’t know if that is a very needed post for anyone else, I just remember feeling very lost when I was in that position.

    Reply
  6. Noel Lokaychuk

    Kristin Lavransdatter. Very long, and not a simple read, but although it does give a few more pertinent details than I might like about Kristin’s temptation, it is an excellent picture of what happens when you let your lust lead your life, besides a slew of other life topics. I want my daughters to read this before they leave my house.

    Reply

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