PODCAST: Why Are You So Needy? And More!

by | Jun 20, 2019 | Uncategorized | 9 comments

Podcast Extras: Why are you so needy?

Ever feel like your spouse is just really needy? Or does your spouse think you are needy?

I’ve got a new episode of the Bare Marriage podcast up today!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

Main Segment: Do We Understand Emotional Needs?

We all have emotional needs. And, because of our personalities, our backgrounds, our experiences, even our woundedness, sometimes there’s one particular need that stands out. Something that we really require if we’re going to feel safe and cared for.

Similar to the love languages idea, I go into a bit of detail on some needs and how we can fill them.

Why does this matter?

Two things: First, when you know each other’s emotional needs, you can plan to do things that fill up that need. And second, if, in the middle of a conflict, you can figure out what you each need, then instead of fighting until one of you wins, you can simply brainstorm how to meet each other’s needs. It’s far less antagonistic! Most conflicts, after all, happen because one or both of you feel as if you’re not getting your emotional needs met. When we turn the conversation towards that, then the conflict becomes something that’s more easily solvable.

To help you out with this, I’ve got an exercise you can do together to figure out your needs and find ways that you can meet them:

 

 

You can also listen to this podcast to learn more about how to resolve conflict by figuring out the underlying need!

Reader Question: What If I’M the One Who Cheated?

Today’s question is from a woman who cheated on her husband early in the marriage, and is wondering how to regain his trust. She writes:

My husband and I have only been married briefly and I cheated on him twice, with the same man, whom is also married. I did not have sex with this other man, we kissed and held each other and that is still cheating. To make it worse we actually had a connection of some kind, we spoke openly and honestly about our emotions. My husband obviously found out and is extremely hurt because I have never been able to open up to him like I had with this other man. We have a lot of trouble communicating honestly with each other. I’ve never made excuses for what I did or tried to blame other circumstances in my marriage, but I love my husband and don’t want to lose him. I’m just not sure if he will ever forgive me. He wants to work things out and so do I however if he doesn’t forgive me, we will never truly be happy. And I have tried to do everything he asks of me. I stopped all contact with the other man, I’m trying to give my husband time and space to deal with it, and I have made sure to be completely honest about my feelings and to do nothing that would give him cause to even think that I could be cheating on him again. My question is what more can I do? Or should I continue what I have been doing and find some kind of support system that I can express my feelings without making my husband feel pressured?

I’ve got a post on what to do if you’re the one who cheated here. I will say that emotional affairs are really common. And they tend to happen because we romanticize what it would be like to be with that other person. But that is just a fantasy; it’s not reality. The reason that relationship seems better is because you don’t have the responsibilities of real life.

Comment: Anyone have any great suggestions for two-player board games?

One of my most popular posts is my 20 two-player board games to play with your spouse. And I keep updating that post with new ideas as they come in, or as we play new games. And so many of those ideas I’ve had from all of you!

So I’m planning on writing another post soon with 20 NEW games (because they’re always coming out with new ones), and I’d love some suggestions! I asked on Facebook for some, and I got some great ones–Gobblet, Rivals for Catan (it’s a card game), and more. But I thought I’d ask you all as well! So leave your suggestions in the comments.

I was talking today in my post about how two-player board games make awesome wedding presents! Here's my list of 20 of…

Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Monday, June 17, 2019

Next week I’m going to tell you a difficult story that’s been going on behind the scenes, of what happened when i tried to alert people to what the book Love & Respect is really about. But I wanted to do a practical, happy podcast today, and I hope that the segment on emotional needs triggered something in you on how you can do something small to improve your marriage.

Any other comments or suggestions? I’d love to fill up my board game cupboard!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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9 Comments

  1. JuLie

    Can I just say thank you? You have helped me so much, more than anything or anyone else! I was raised in a VERY strict, conservative family where sex was An EVIL and TABOO subject (our parents didn’t educate us on the matter of anything sexual-even periods!) and also I was sexually harassed by a sibling and also struggle with body image so I had a really hard time after getting married at 19 ( 13 years ago!) I’m still unlearning that sex is not bad! ( gasp!) it’s a whole new concept and it’s so amazing that I can hardly fathom how it can be a GOOD thing. Before I thought if you put God and sex in the same sentence you’d be in danger if hellfire! Lol, So much unnecessary shame I dealt with though. 😥Anyway, I’m breaking free slowly and you and your wonderful work is 90% of what’s really helping me! Thank you, you’re work is SO needed to SO many of us! ♥️

    Reply
    • Kacey

      I have two suggestions for two-player games: Love Letter, which is for 2-4, and just as good with two. The concept is you’re trying to send your love letter to the Princess via various Messengers, and the person with the messenger closest to the Princess at the end of the round wins that round, and after a certain number of rounds, the person who successfully sent the most letters wins. Rounds only take 1-5 minutes. It’s very simple, but needs both strategy and luck. Very fun.

      The original version has Japanese-themed illustrations and names for the cards. There’s an English version that’s the same except for names/pictures (a handmaid instead of a shugenja, for example), though some of the ladies in the English illustrations have some unnecessary cleavage.

      The second suggestion is a little odd – Nine Man’s Morris. It’s as old as chess and has simpler movement rules. You probably won’t find it in a store, but you could draw a board (three nesting squares) easily and use coins as tokens. Or if you’re crafty, you could make a handmade version. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but you might like it if you like checkers. It’s very strategic.

      Reply
  2. Stephanie

    My husband and I love Legendary. It’s a Marvel superhero deck building game that is semi cooperative. You win and lose as a team, but if the team wins, there’s also an overall winner. I like that because sometimes it’s no fun to play if one person is always the loser! It’s a great option for the super hero fan and there are loads of expansions.

    We also really enjoy Terraforming Mars. You play as competing companies trying to make Mars habitable for humans. There are loads of cool science and space actions like crashing meteors, introducing bacteria and building space settlements. The game is over once the conditions are right for humans to live there and the most successful company wins.

    Reply
  3. Jo

    I’ve got some suggestions for good board games that we play with my husband. They are usually 2-4 players, so that we can also play with friends.

    1. Castles of Burgundy – our favourite for a 1,5h game – it’s an economy / strategy one with great diversity of possible actions and some variance in the way the game is played each time. You’re building up your own world (cities, pastures, ships, mines) peacefully.

    2. Sagrada – a quick one – up to 30 mins, it’s more of a dice game, but a logical one. You’re placing dice of different colors and values according to the rules on your board trying to have a complete grid and score bonuses by the end of the game.

    3. Stone Age – another economy one – it’s a worker placement game (so you have physical figures that go on the board to mine resources etc). It’s about 40mins-1h for 2 people.

    4. Mage knight – I have to mention this one because it’s just so much fun to play, however, it’s probably not less than 2h a session, so it may not be that easy to factor into a busy day. It’s a role-playing game with proper exploration, combat, experience points and level ups. If you have the time I can highly recommend it.

    Reply
  4. Kel

    if your spouse considers your needs invalid, what do you do then?

    Reply
  5. Lindsey

    Sequence is a really fun game that can be played with two or more players. It’s a card & board game. Basically the board shows the face of all of a deck of cards except the jacks (they’re special use cards) in a random order. You put tokens down when you play a card from your hand and try to get a sequence or block someone else from getting one. It can be played by a couple or with four people as teams.
    I also wanted to say that it is possible to play Catan the bird game as a couple (I know it says 3 or more). My husband and I have done it quite a bit. It just makes the game go a little faster (which I think is good!) and reduces trading, but if you love the game but rarely have enough people to play, try playing with just two!

    Reply
    • Lindsey

      Catan the board game, not bird game. 😂

      Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      We do love Catan, and a number of people have mentioned that, so likely we will! Is that Rivals for Catan? I know that’s a 2-player game. Or is this another one?

      Reply
  6. Eps

    We have a lot of games and love many of the ones you do.

    More recent 2 player game suggestions (apologies if they are already on the list, I haven’t checked it for a while).
    – splendour
    – code names duet
    -7 wonders duet
    – ticket to ride Switzerland
    – kingdomino

    Reply

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