We can change the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage.
Let’s say that with the proper emphasis:
We CAN change the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage. Or even:
WE can change the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage.
Together.
That’s really what we’ve been trying to do for four years now, since we started our series on Love & Respect, pointing out how harmful that book is. That’s why we did our huge studies of over 32,000 people now, culminating in The Great Sex Rescue and She Deserves Better.
We take Jesus at His word when He says that a bad tree can’t bear good fruit, and a good tree can’t bear bad fruit. So we’re measuring the fruit, and what we’re finding is that a lot of teachings about sex and marriage in the evangelical church lead to rotten fruit. This doesn’t mean that believing in God leads to rotten fruit (indeed, the opposite is the case), but as soon as you internalize toxic teachings? Terrible things happen.
So we need to start teaching in a healthy way, focusing on agency for women; not holding women responsible for men’s sins and teaching about sex as something that is MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH.
We’ve done our best to spread the word.
We’ve written the books. We’ve got a great podcast (have you subscribed yet?). I’m super active on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook.
But now we need your help.
At the individual level, at the church level, people need to speak up. I received this email recently:
I went to a retreat this weekend and at the end was given a suggested book list. Love and Respect was on it. I brought it to the attention of those running the event of the damage this book has done and that there is ongoing research to support its harm. They were taken aback and told me they absolutely would look into it as they would never want to recommend a book that could cause abuse. I believe this is going to be looked into and I hope to see it no longer on the list at the next retreat. I plan to stay on top of it. Just to say- thank you so much for what you’re doing. It’s essential.
I’m glad I could be of help. But I’m even more glad that this woman saw a problem–and then she spoke up!
I know speaking up can be scary.
You don’t know what to say. You don’t know who to say it to. You’re not sure how you’ll be received. Well, I want to make that easier.
Next Wednesday, June 21, at 9 pm EST, I’m hosting a FREE webinar–“New Wineskins”--where I’ll walk you through how to spread the word about our research and how to talk to people about toxic teachings.
I’ll start with 20 minutes on how to raise the issue; then I’ll have a presentation going over our findings; and then we’ll have a Q&A.
I would absolutely love to see you all there!
You can sign up right here:
You’ll have access to the recording for 72 hours afterwards, so even if you can’t make it at the time, please sign up and you can listen later!
I want to help you understand how to talk to others.
I’ll show you what our findings are, in a nutshell. I’ll give you the talking points that you can use with friends, your pastor, your church librarian, your small group leader, and more. It’s also a great one to listen to with your spouse or your best friend if you’ve been trying to explain why our findings are important, but they just don’t get it.
Together, we can change the conversation. We can make the church healthy again. We can call the church back to the abundant life Christ promised us.
I hope to see you there!
Is there anything you specifically want me to cover? Leave a comment and let’s talk!
I would especially appreciate some insight on how to address family who’s still convinced of these things. Discussing with or even confronting church leaders or friends is somehow a million times easier than sitting down at the family reunion and speaking up when your father-in-law or your uncle or your 18yo cousin start spouting off about female submission, “real masculinity,” and praising teachers like Eggerichs.
Got it!
Seconded, especially when your mom or younger siblings are still dependant on the relative who believes that he holds “authority” over them and speaking up would provoke him to threaten the relationships between you and the rest of the family by shunning you and shaming them for talking to you plus increasing control and manipulation in their lives.
Idk, it seems specific but something tells me that it’s probably more of a widespread situation than it seems.
Sheila,
I would say that folks should have some knowledge about deciding what to do when your church pastor or loved one does not accept your suggestion for change. For me at this point my Pastor us been given the seed to consider change. To the best if my knowledge he is nit going to change or consider it based on his response. I plan to address it with him again at some point – maybe it will just be a one sheet when you get to those books. Maybe it will be a comment when the time is right. I really dont know what that looks like yet. However – my Pastor certainly doesn’t preach what is presented in the books he gives to his couples in marriage counseling. Our church is healthy and so is the overall Ministry. Is my Pastor’s and our Church’s Ministries perfect? THEY ARE NOT. Surprise! Am I leaving my church because he does not agree with me on this topic and at this point seems closed to change in that area? No I am not. While I am disappointed and do think it is a blunder but – its not a deal breaker for me. Not because I dont think its important – its because the overall church and his true practice and values are not of which are in those books. I also happen to have a little bit more insight to his beliefs and practices because he sits in the Sunday School class that Grace (my wife) and I teach. Anyway – I think its important for folks to have an understanding for the balance of when to stay and when to run when people just wont listen…
Absolutely, Phil. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all, because the Spirit is always working differently in people.
YES SHEILA – just woke up from a nap and their was the answer I was searching for. The answer is YES of course!
Very excited for this! And I should be able to attend live.