Does it really matter if a YOUTH PASTOR dates & marries a GIRL in his youth group?
After all, an age difference of 23 and 17 isn’t that big a deal, right?
It’s illegal for a youth pastor to have sexual contact with a girl or boy in the youth group. Most of us know that.
But what if it’s not sexual contact? What if it’s just dating and then later marrying once they’re out of high school? That’s actually quite common, and people don’t seem to be as upset about it. Quite frankly, I shouldn’t have to write this post, because we should all agree that this is wrong. But so often marriages of big name pastors actually started like this, and so people find themselves defending such relationships. And so I want to write a post today explaining why a youth pastor, camp leader or camp counselor dating a teen under their leadership is not okay.
Many of us approach the youth pastor/youth member dating thing from purely an age perspective.
And we can all picture mature 17 and 18-year-old girls who would be fine to date a 23 or 24-year-old. But there’s more going on here we need to take into account.
I’m going to write the rest of this post as if it’s a male youth pastor and a female youth group member, since that’s the most common scenario. But this would apply to a female youth pastor as well.
5 Reasons Why Twenty-Something Church Leaders Dating Teeagers Is Both A Bad Idea And A Red Flag
1. The Enhanced Status Issue
A teen is consumed with figuring out their identity. Picture a group of teens at a camp or a youth group with a charismatic young leader. Everyone looks up to that leader. If that leader singles someone out, that person gets enhanced status.
This makes the youth pastor very attractive. When someone whom the wider church has said is mature & worthy of trust singles you out as the most interesting/worthy of attention, that makes you feel like an adult–which, again, is one of the main aims at this stage of life.
A good rule of thumb is to ask: Would she have been interested in him if he was just a 24-year-old in the pews? Chances are, she likely would not have given him a second look. He isn’t part of the dynamics of group status. That’s a problem.
2. The Spiritual Authority Issue
The youth pastor/camp counselor has been appointed by her spiritual authorities to teach her about God. They presumably have been to Bible school. They have dedicated their life to God in a visible way that a 24-year-old mechanic hasn’t.
When that person singles you out and says, “I can sense God doing something big in your life”, or “I can sense that God is nudging me towards you”, that carries weight. She has been told to honor him as her authority who hears from God. Who is she to say no to him?
A spiritual leader singling out someone they are in authority over to give them special attention, particularly with the understanding that God is somehow involved in their special relationship, is also a sign of clergy abuse.
Clergy abuse, for anyone unfamiliar with the term, describes a situation in which someone who is a pastor, priest, or any kind of spiritual leader in a church setting uses their authority over a congregant to take advantage of them in some way.
When we consider relationships in which there is a hierarchy of authority, such as the youth group leader and a teenager who attends that youth group, that is a situation where there is no equality between the two people involved. Without equality in a relationship, there is no ability to consent. So when a clergy member or church leader pursues a romantic or sexual relationship with someone they are in spiritual authority over, that is clergy abuse.
3. The Small World Issue
The youth pastor has likely attended Bible college with 1000s of others. They have likely moved cities for college or for work and have gained real world experience that was unavailable to them before they left theirhomes and high school.
A 17 or 18-year-old has a very small frame of reference. They likely don’t have a lot of peers outside their community.
Even if they’ve travelled, they likely haven’t made friends outside their school/church/camp circle. Would that 17 or 18-year-old find this person as attractive if they had had more opportunities to meet others with different life experiences?
The youth group leader and the youth group attendee are firmly set into two very different life stages, which gives the youth group leader even more power in the relationship. The teenager in this scenario simply does not have the wisdom that comes with real-world experience that would tell her that it is potentially very dangerous to pursue a relationship with a spiritual authority figure.
4. The Fetish Issue
Fetish is a harsh word here, but I’m not sure what other one to use. We need to ask why a youth pastor, who has seen more of the world, who has met many peers, would single out someone who has not had these life experiences?
Why does a youth pastor or camp counselor want to marry someone who hasn’t had the opportunity to look at the bigger world yet? What is it about them that finds naivete and lack of experience attractive? I find this a major red flag.
5. The Mismatched Maturity Issue
If an 18-year-old youth group member is at the same maturity level as a 24-year-old youth pastor, then it is very likely that when she is 24, she will surpass him.
A mature 18-year-old is on a trajectory. She hasn’t finished maturing yet, while he may have stalled (after all, he’s the one who is targeting an 18 year old girl). What if she had gone out in the world and pursued education? Would she still want to marry him once she has finished a Master’s degree in biochem?
We Need To Recognize How Vulnerable Teenaged Girls Are To The Advances Of Older Men
Some of these issues apply not to just to youth pastors but to any age difference like this. It’s very important to make sure a girl has had some life experience outside of her small social circle and knows what she wants to do for education before she commits to an older man.
But when that man is also a youth pastor, this is even more important.
Recently Johnna Harris, podcaster and advocate for survivors of spiritual abuse asked on X (formerly Twitter) about a big name pastor who began dating his now-wife while she was 17 and he was a 23 year-old camp counselor. Many were saying it’s okay–the parents agreed.
If you found out that one of your faith heroes/pastors met his wife when he was an adult pastoring her at camp when she was a minor and pursued her, would that effect the way you viewed them? Is this disqualifying? What do YOU do with that information?
— John-Uh Harris ☀️ (@johnnarae) August 5, 2024
Here’s a bit more of the thread:
If you found out that one of your faith heroes/pastors met his wife when he was an adult pastoring her at camp when she was a minor and pursued her, would that effect the way you viewed them? Is this disqualifying? What do YOU do with that information?
What if I add the detail that the pastor was a college graduate and the teen was going into their senior year of high school? If you found out that people you respected were aware and are currently serving on staff at his church would you encourage them to call this out?
Many parents, though, are enamored with the youth pastor for reasons #1 and #2.
They believe their daughter is mature and special, so to have a youth pastor single her out confirms this belief. But would she not be even more mature & special at 22 with more life experience?
Why would there be a need to have a young girl give up opportunities to learn, travel, grow, and experience the world that this older man had the chance to experience for himself?
This is not a warning against early marriages. I married young; so did both my daughters. The difference was we had all moved away and lived on our own, learning to budget, etc. We had all pursued higher education. We had all gotten involved in multiple social circles. And none of us married someone in spiritual authority over us.
When I was talking about this on social media, though, many pushed back, saying that they knew many couples who were happily married today who started out this way.
Just because you know couples like this who look happy doesn’t mean it’s a good idea
First, you assume they’re doing great because of what you see on the outside. But you don’t actually know. The number of memoirs coming out right now of women telling how they were being controlled and nobody knew, is astounding. We only see the outside of a relationship.
Second, let’s remember who these women are. Often the youth pastor targets the most mature, responsible over-achiever girl who knows her Bible. What kind of wife will this girl later make? Likely one who can keep everything together & looking great by sheer force of her will.
She wants this marriage to work. She is going to make sure it does. So she may deprioritize her own needs to make sure her husband and kids do well.
But remember: She married into a relationship where she was already just the secondary, supporting character.
He was the one in authority with the calling from God; she was the one to support that calling. She wasn’t old enough to have established or pursued a calling of her own! She married so she could fit into his world, not so that they could create a world where both could flourish.
When we say that “they’re doing great as a couple!”, then, do we truly mean that each of them is flourishing in their own callings? Or do we mean that they look happy on the outside and the kids look happy? Had she waited a few years to get married, or had she married a peer who was her equal, then her callings and dreams would likely have been emphasized too.
When I look at couples like these, what I hear is, “she’s such a great support to him,” or “they have such a great home life!” or “the kids are so happy.” I don’t hear, “he supports her calling” or “he’s sacrificed so she can pursue her dreams too.” It’s not just a question of whether the couple is happy together, you see. It’s also whether, had this youth pastor not targeted her before she was fully an adult, she would have had the opportunity to pursue the dreams and gifts that God had given her personally.
It’s a question of whether she could have had a life where she was not mainly a supporting character to her husband’s life.
And I wonder if THIS is the real reason that so many youth pastors target the girls in their youth groups.
(or camp directors/counselors target teens).
Youth pastors may target youth group members so that they can marry someone whose life will revolve around them, rather than marrying a peer who will expect that he will also sacrifice for her dreams and callings too. They don’t want an equal relationship; they want adulation.
When you see a couple who married under these circumstances, and she doesn’t have much of an identity other than “so-and-so’s wife”, and you think they’re doing great–just remember: Maybe God had more planned for her. Maybe he wanted to bless her with a husband who would support her as she supported him.
No matter how well she supports her husband, ask yourself: could she have had someone who supported her too? And is that really a success story if she doesn’t?
Parents, it’s a red flag if the youth pastor/camp counselor takes an interest in your daughter.
Church members, if a youth pastor thinks a 17 YO is “mature”, question why they find lack of life experience attractive. And everyone: remember power dynamics. This isn’t okay.
What do you think? Have you seen these relationships in real life? What has been the church’s reaction? The family’s? Let’s talk in the comments!
“Second, let’s remember who these women are. Often the youth pastor targets the most mature, responsible over-achiever girl who knows her Bible. What kind of wife will this girl later make? Likely one who can keep everything together & looking great by sheer force of her will.”
So much of my teens and twenties now makes sense. That’s such a great explanation for it all. Target the “mature” girl and then it seems like a great match – the boys her age aren’t in her level – and she will make it work even when it should fail.
It doesn’t just have to be in relationships of unequal authority/experience. It happens at Bible college too. I was horrified.
This reminds me of the book “When God Writes Your Love Story” as well as the follow-up “When Dreams Come True” by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It didn’t seem so at the time, but it’s creepy that Leslie”s dad was so involved and supportive of their relationship. (They’ve also had some accusations of abusive methods at Ellerslie Mission Society, a discipleship program they founded in Colorado.)
These books were VERY popular when I was in campus ministry at college and I assumed this was the best model for Christian relationships. It could be an interesting book to explore regarding these dynamics.
Yes, please do cover their materials! These were very influential when I was in college.
I agree! I’ve been to one or two of the online Set Apart Girl conferences done by Eric and Leslie Ludy during my teenage years, and I’m really curious to see a breakdown of their teachings here!
I think people tend to overlook the issues with power differences in general. How many joke about “barely legal” or just shake their heads when they hear of a college student dating a teen (And not one with just 1 or 2 years age difference)? I think also, many people in past generations didn’t really have a chance get life experience in the same ways we do now. Like, I’m not very old, and I’m one of the first people in my family to go for higher education, and both of my parents lived at home before they married. So a lot of red flags still get covered with things like “well, granny married granddady right out of high school” without thinking about context like the pastor issue.
Besides, if I remember right, in certain states the youth pastor could lose his clergy license for being in a relationship with one of their congregants, even if they are only “dating”.
Years ago, when looking for a new church, one potential church was off my list before I walked in the door, due to this exact issue. In this case, the youth member ended up pregnant, and it was swept under the rug due to the fact that the parents approved of the relationship (technically she was 18, although still in high school). The fact that no one in the church, including her parents (who were church leaders) saw this as an issue was a HUGE red flag to me. Not only because of the power dynamic, but also the simple fact that he was not practicing what he preached. So many big issues, and he remained the youth pastor. The failure of the pastor, deacons, and other leaders to hold him accountable was something that I remember to this day. This happened almost 10 years ago with nothing done. I lost respect for everyone involved.
That’s so awful! I wonder how they’re doing now?
They are still married, and still with the same church. I see them in the community, although I am not close to them. They have 3 children, with another on the way. She seems content from what little I see of her, but tired. She is a SAHM so I honestly wonder if she has any interaction outside of church and family. Like I said, I don’t know her well, but having grown up in churches that teach what this church teaches, I see things that concern me, but nothing that I can point at and say is abuse. I try to be aware of the situation as much as I can, just in case she needs a friend. If things do get bad, I’m afraid she wouldn’t be able to get help from her church or family.
About 25 or so years ago we had a church here in the county that had an impropriety of this nature.
Church started back in the 50’s as an IFB church. That pastor retired and became an elder. His son took over the pulpit. Son persisted in hiring family members. His son became youth pastor after graduating college and starting seminary. YP is engaged to be married. Fiancé is in TX.
YP kisses 17 yr old girl in her room at her house. He claimed she kissed him but he didn’t fight her off. He flees the home. He’s there with the full knowledge and consent of gir’l’s parents. Girls mother tells anybody that will listen that YP took advantage of her daughter. DA investigated at girl’s parent’s request.
Upon finding out DA involved girl’s mother’s BFF hired me because mother had told her that both parents and girl were encouraging the relationship. All three wanted to break YP and fiancé up and get him to marry daughter. I call DA and set up meeting for BFF to tell him what she knows and in turn I find out the rest.
There’s a big Wed night meeting at the church. Pastor has YP apologize about ten times. YP keeps his job. Fiancé forgives him. He goes to Texas, gets married and joins the navy as a chaplain. Heard he was seriously wounded with the Marines in Afghanistan.
Oh, what a mess! My goodness. I hope that poor woman he did marry ended up okay…
I made a phone call to a guy that I know that is good friends with this boy.
As I said, he and his fiancé got married and had three children. The navy sent him to Afghanistan He was at a forward fire base with a marine detachment when their position fell under heavy attack. The corpsman was killed while treating severely wounded marines. Upon seeing him fall the former YP ran forward under heavy fire and drug two wounded marines to safety. He was hit four times not including shrapnel wounds from the mortar rounds falling on them. He took two years to recover. He was awarded the navy cross. Soon after he recovered his wife was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. The navy made him chaplain at the base hospital so that his wife’s care would be covered. He took care of her while she learned to walk again. Today he lives in Richmond, VA and works for an organization that helps disabled veterans.
This really shouldn’t have to be said, and it’s a shame that it does. In most of my church experience, youth group leaders have been a married couple — not that even that solves anything, sadly. When I was in high school, a youth pastor’s wife left him for a 19yo boy. The kid wasn’t someone from our youth group, so at least there’s that I guess, but you never know who’s going to be predatory; she was in her 30s and with 2-3 small kids and he was barely out of HS. It was the early 90s, so scandalous but not in the way it would today, I wouldn’t hope.
I want to add that a huge age gap should be a red flag not only for teens but college students and young adults as well. My husband (who I’m currently divorcing because of severe abuse) is nearly a decade older than me, and we started dating when I was in college and he was divorced (another red flag!) Although I do have to give my church props for expressing their strong concerns about our relationship back then. For all the complaints I have about my church 25+ years ago, they did have that right. (But you can see how with all the “you must obey your husband even when he’s screaming and cursing at you for hours on end” that the previous toxic teachings far outweigh the good I experienced.)
There is no case where a pastor should date and marry a congregant, and that applies especially to those who have been under the leadership of a youth pastor.
“When we say that “they’re doing great as a couple!”, then, do we truly mean that each of them is flourishing in their own callings?”
Herein lies part of the problem. They (many evangelical churches) don’t believe that a woman has any other calling other than to be her husband’s “helpmeet”. So if home is neat, the children are orderly, her husband’s needs (and wants) are taken care of then she is “flourishing” in her calling. 🙁
Another way you could put this into more perspective for people is if a school teacher is dating a student. You wouldn’t want your daughter or son dating or having a sexual relationship with a teacher then why would you be ok with a pastor. Thankfully I have never seen this in the churches have a tended. Its sad that they can call themselves men and women of God but date or have sexual relations with teens. I pray that God protects the teenagers and children and have these false teachers removed. Amen
My sister married our youth pastor.
My dad was the senior pastor at the time and encouraged it.
I watched my vibrant, energetic and opinionated sister fade into someone who was just there to “serve” her husband’s needs and wants. As you said, he was established, had graduated college, had his own home and she was still young living at home. she graduated high school (homeschooled) while dating him… She does not have a life outside of the home and serving him and the children. She’s become a puppet repeating everything he tells her. It’s devastating to watch. He doesn’t support her. She does everything for him and she’s exhausted. My heart breaks to see it. I know she could’ve done so much more, seen so much more had she just been allowed to.
My parents don’t see anything wrong with the relationship. I had even shared some disturbing and abusive things I had witnessed her husband do and told my dad, and he’d just pretend nothing bad was happening. He doesn’t believe in stepping in when the husband is abusive in families because “they’re the head of the household and there’s nothing we can do” it’s disgusting
That’s so sad! I’m so sorry.
I used to work with youth in a secular job. Staff dating, or making special friends with, teens was 100% NOT OKAY. The power difference was the easiest to explain to people. Sometimes pointing out the legalities got through to them, but that was usually less convincing. It’s a shame that the minute you step inside a church building, suddenly, everything we know about predators, or just plain bad ideas, goes out the window.
This reminds me of musicians Bethany Dillon and Shane Barnard of Shane & Shane. I heard Bethany tell the story of their relationship on a podcast several years ago (That Sounds Fun)and was horrified. If I remember correctly, she was eighteen when they started dating (he is twelve years older than her) and he pursued her heavily despite her hesitance. He was already an established musician and she was young and new to fame. They got married when she was twenty and he was thirty-two. As a thirty-two-year-old I cannot imagine marrying someone so young.
The way she told the story was just appalling and she seemed to see it as God wrought – I hope their marriage is happy and healthy but the way it seems to have begun does not lend itself to a healthy marriage between equals.
That’s what worries me. Why is an older man going after a younger woman like that? It’s like–she’s not his equal, and maybe that’s the point.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the “boys in the band” phenomena, admiring the band members up front, singing the romantic songs, etc, girls reacting with swoons, etc. The same dynamic is true of youth leadership, and a false sense of intimacy is created that attracts young ladies. I remember listening to an interview on focus on the family with a famous mega-church leader, his pursuit of a young lady in a youth group and their eventual marriage. I thought that seemed creepy but since it seemed to “work out” ok, it wasn’t so bad. But now and then I would think about it and decided that just wasn’t right. He has since had inappropriate “situations” with women other than his wife. Seems like the fruit eventually shows up. Unfortunately for her and their children.
Exactly, Debbie!
This post hits hard. I married at 20 to a 26-year-old man. I was only 19 (to his 25) and still in college when we started dating. While I graduated college before we married, I had exactly zero adult life experience and hadn’t ever lived on my own or had any meaningful interaction with any older men who weren’t already married. As evidenced by earning my Bachelor’s by 20, I was ultra responsible and “mature” for my age. You might say I was the “most mature, responsible over-achiever girl who knows her Bible.” The only thing my husband really had going for him was that he seemed to my young self to be “responsible” (only single male I knew who had a full time job…because I only knew college students and older adults who were married). He’s all but admitted that he targeted me to have someone who would take on all responsibility for him so that he didn’t have to.
The next 20 years? “What kind of wife will this girl later make? Likely one who can keep everything together & looking great by sheer force of her will.
“She wants this marriage to work. She is going to make sure it does. So she may deprioritize her own needs to make sure her husband and kids do well.”
While my parents and pastor were hesitant, no one ever sat me down and really talked through the decision with me. I grieve so much for that sweet, optimistic young girl trying to always do the next responsible thing.
Oh, I’m so sorry! I wish this weren’t as common! I hope others read your story and think again.
The more I learn, the greater the whole “girls are more mature and boys are less mature, so girls should marry an older guy to even out the maturity disparity” dynamic reeeeally bothers me. I’m not saying there can’t be some truth to that, but I think it should be based more on personality than on maturity as to whom is more responsible, not mature. It goes along with the “boys will be boys” mentality as well. If we expect less from men, they won’t bother trying to live up to more. If we expect men to be less mature, why would they strive to be better? If we enable men’s immaturity with a responsible woman, they get to be immature for as long as their wives last and never grow into the men God wanted them to become.
Grieving, I’m so sorry you lost that precious younger self to an immature man-child. It was not at all fair to you. Sounds like he sacrificed you for his selfishness and immaturity instead of loving you sacrificially as God calls him to.
I don’t think it’s right to demonize a whole category of marriages.
I did marry my youth leader and he is 14 years older than mean… sounds pretty odd on paper, but it has worked out well…
Firstly my church was very small only about 10 people in our youth group all together so even though he was our youth leader the group was small so we all felt very close more like a circle of friends we are also of one nationality, so we all of us were connected by our culture.
We met when I was 15 but we didn’t start at all talking before I was 18 and he said he didn’t notice me before and neither did I.
My parents were hesitant but allowed us to get to know each other thru talking weekly walks together in a park near my house, we never drove off for dates together… we did that for a year and there was absolutely no physical contact (not even holding hands). We wrote letters thru the post every week as well instead of excessive texting.
Finally he proposed (quite romantically with a picnic in a national park) and we had a 6 month engagement in which we only hugged a few times.
Also although he was older he was a bit immature for his age and I was very mature for my age so somehow we felt like our dynamic was matched. Even to this day even though I’m a SAHM I manage all the finances and do the budget and understand more about money side of things. While he is good more with the social side of things he entertains me with recounting all the stories he hears within the community.
I have never felt that he is so above me and we have already been married for 8 years with 2 kids and he is good to me and my best friend.
So maybe you should think twice before making such blanket statements, my story isn’t common but I believe each couple should be assessed on their own merit rather than categorized and demonized based on uncontrolled factor such as whether he was a youth leader. Would it be preferable for that young lady to get together with a playboy youth member the same age? Truly is it about the person as an individual not their place in a category such as youth leader etc.
I am very glad that your situation has worked out for you. That does not change the fact that an older man pursuing a young woman just barely into adulthood should raise a ton of red flags. This would be why your parents were rightly hesitant.
Again, I am glad it has worked out for you. But please don’t forget that for many, it has worked out to be highly problematic.
Yes, I’m also a little worried that, Isabella, you thought that it was good that you were mature for your age and he was immature? Would you encourage someone to marry someone who is immature for their age?
I mean immature in regards to financial habits such as saving and spending and investments.which we improved upon in the first few years of our marriage That’s the main thing that he was immature about otherwise in everything else he was very good at communicating. And he was also very outgoing and unreserved about his emotions. We don’t have secrets, shared Facebook etc.
I know sometimes I look at him and can’t believe that we have such an age gap… it truly doesn’t feel like it.
I don’t know more than 1 or 2 couples in our whole large church community that has such a large age gap… actually
I’m sure if we met in person you would be rather surprised but we don’t looks like we have such an age gap either
Also to clarify about the ‘youth leader’ our church is a bit unconventional in that all positions are volunteer and unpaid even the pastor, the youth leaders were just the older of the group that were in charge of the groups running, logistics and Bible study topics. There was also not really any confiding of problems/sins/confessions between the youth leaders of opposing genders. Even though he was a youth leader I never felt a kind of ‘authority’.
I do understand how its important to be cautious in such large age gap relationships but I truly think that this is the case for any romantic relationship.
Well, my husband is 6 years older than I am, but I was in my early 20’s when we met, not a teenager (also he wasn’t an authority figure). Nonetheless, when we got engaged a couple years later a lot of people in our church circles expressed approval of the age/life experience gap. People told me he was “established” and “mature” and would “lead me to Jesus.” Odd, in retrospect, since I was on my way to a postsecondary degree and wasn’t going to need anybody to support me, and had been a Christian my whole life versus about 8 years in his case. But the gap fit with people’s expectations about his role. He was seen as better prepared for his god-given leadership position.
I don’t know if something similar may be going on when people see an older youth leader pursuing a youth group member. Unequal power dynamics don’t raise red flags right away if asymmetry is baked into your understanding of marriage.
That last sentence is it exactly!
My ex was five years older than me, and we were 23 and 28 when we met; but he had been given a “word from God” that his wife would be “younger,” someone who would “look up to him,” whom he could truly lead. (Does this not sound nauseating?) However, he was so immature due to abuse and trauma from his background that the thing was doomed from day 1. But you’re right about asymmetry being baked into the perception of marriage for many people in our culture. It’s a really bad way of viewing marriage, and it really needs to change.
Yeah that does sound terrible, I’m really sorry! There is definitely an unhealthy attitude to female inexperience in these circles. Working through the imbalances created by our age and experience gap has been a big part of our marriage in the last 5 or 6 years. We never got any help with it from church folks or any mainstream evangelical source. I think people just don’t recognize it can be a problem. So I can see how someone like your ex could say that stuff and not get called out (and how women might miss those red flags).
And one reason I missed that as a red flag was that I had been thoroughly Gothardized. I honestly wish I had never heard of that man!
A spin on #1 is the status of the parents. My mom is a narcissist. She really pushed me dating the pastor’s son because it would make *her* look in higher standing and give her newfound bragging rights. Nevermind the pastor’s son and I had NO common ground much less interest in one another- this was just something she cooked up and convinced the pastor’s wife it would be a good thing.
When I refused to date him, she stone-walled me as punishment even though I had already begun seriously dating another guy. lol
I’m glad you didn’t allow yourself to be pushed into anything you didn’t want!
Thanks! This was actually probably one of my first acts of “defiance” sadly. It’s amazing the difference going to college made! I was finally out from under her “rule” and in talking with other people, I started realizing that my normal was not actually safe or healthy… which reinforces some of Sheila’s points in this article- have some time to make it on your own as an adult before you get married. If you were raised healthily, then great, it will confirm that! But if not, it may be just what you need to start grasping that you may have been raised in a toxic way and need to get your own mess figured out before you couple up with someone else.
I know this is not the point of this great article, but have you thought about the fact that a pastor might not be someone’s spiritual authority? Wade Burleson mentions in his book Fraudulent Authority- pastors who seek to rule over others, that nowhere in the New Testament does it say that a Christian leader, because of title or position, has moral authority over another Christian. I had never thought about that until I came across this book.
Absolutely!
It’s embarrassing to admit, but I was the mature youth group girl that really wanted to be singled out by the youth group counselors or camp counselors. (Always had adult grandpa men as youth pastors who are awesome and wonderful, so that was never an issue haha) But I’m glad all those counselors were smart enough or had their own lives to not actually pursue or encourage my attention. Now that I’m an older married young mom, I feel like you can see when these young men like the attention from the youth group girls, whether they pursue anything or not, which just looks like such a sign of immaturity. I’m glad when there are fun grandmas and grandpas leading youth group and keeping everyone in check haha.
The best youth leaders I ever had were in their late 40s,and were a couple!
Thank you for this article. I’ve been in church circles where it seems a given that older guys (in their 20s/30s) marry younger women. The fact that I’ve never seen this challenged has always made me uncomfortable – not that I’m against younger marriage, age gaps (for both genders) or anything, but just seemed to be a fact. In that it seemed to be an unwritten rule for guys in the churches, but never mentioned for women. Without meaning to insult anyone, I do wonder if this says something about the emotional maturity some churches are encouraging in male and perhaps male Christians in general if you’re anticipated as being those who act younger, think younger, date younger… Spiritual maturity is (in certain circles) always linked to physical age – and it ain’t necessarily so!
When we exalt marriages of this type, we also normalize them. I was a part of several subcultures growing up where this sort of thing was the norm, and I would have easily been lured into the same sort of relationship (nearly was, actually! Several times! Thankfully, timing just didn’t quite work out!) and would have thought it was fine, because to me it was normal.
Many of those examples I knew have parted ways. In some cases, it really was a shock to church friends, because these were exemplary couples.
I dated my youth pastor and adored him. There was a 6 year gap but I knew him because I had worked with his family on their farm from a young age. He was my world I adored him and he did take advantage for sure. I was devastated when he broke up with me but it threw me into Jesus’ arms and His word which I will never regret. I went on to marry someone who was the opposite of him in the hope I wouldn’t be hurt like that again, sadly it was not the right move and despite having wonderful kids, the marriage has been the worst thing I’ve ever been through. But God is not finished yet, so I live in hope of change. The harder life is, the more I find that my hope must always be in Jesus, whatever crap situations we throw ourselves into against all wisdom. These kind of teachings are important for us to be wise about situations around us – question the motives, protect the vulnerable and pray like we’re all on fire.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered, and I’m so sorry you were taken advantage of! I’m sorry those in leadership around you didn’t protect you.
The leadership were my parents who really just wanted the best for me. I think the dating age is not the age we listen to our parents well or with the level of respect we should and as a parent now, I understand more about what that looks like but I feel in that day and age it was great to see your children dating people committed to the Lord to the point of service. The key element that was missing was that really blunt, open communication that we as parents have to take sometimes to check in with our children no matter how much it embarrasses them (or us). This keeps the truth in the forefront and helps us guide our children into good decision making. My father didn’t really want me to marry my husband but without clearly telling me why I thought he was just being the ‘you can do better’ type or there was a personality clash, not anything more than that. But God remains good.
Just want to say “thank you” for this post. I realized over the last couple years that what I thought was an intense relationship with my senior year of high school youth minister was actually sexual, spiritual abuse. He groomed me my senior year and later told me he thought I was older than I was… He was 24 when we met and had been away to NYC for college and school and lived a whole life. but you know, at least he did not “try anything” until I was the magical age of 18 which I turned a couple weeks before graduating high school anyway. I did go away to college and he very strongly pursued me. But I didn’t tell anyone because he asked me not to. My parents were convinced it was simply long distance.
What you describe in this blog is eerily similar to what I experienced. Though, he did end up having sex with me when I was 19. Very wise words and so many red flags in these situations. And he would not have had a single problem with me becoming simply his number one fan and didn’t really even care about possibly impregnating me going into my sophomore year at college.
All to say, you are correct that the excuses you named above were definitely used in my situation. I was so mature and Bible loving and had a very close relationship with God and he was sort of immature, but still trusted, applauded and given all the privileges afforded white males who graduated from prestigious divinity schools and have the “right” theology.
I thank God that I made it out of this situation even if it did take 20 years to come into the Light! From what I can tell, though married to someone near his own age, it looks like she’s happy to play sidekick so patterns still exist it would seem.
But thank you for seeing this for what it is and using your wisdom and prophetic platform to build awareness!
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through! I hope you’re doing better now!