The Excellent Wife is a horribly depressing book to read.
It was profoundly heavy and sad.
When I started writing these onesheets, they didn’t really affect me that much. Most of the books I was going to be reading were ones I had read already, or were ones I had read even before I started looking critically at the things these books said.
Power of a Praying Wife, For Women Only–I had read these before I started the work on Great Sex Rescue. Love & Respect, Every Man’s Battle–I’ve read these so many times they stop shocking me.
But sometimes I read books to provide these summaries that jolt me in a way I wasn’t expecting.
This week I reviewed The Excellent Wife.
Our onesheet went live on Wednesday and our podcast went live yesterday.
When I read Lies Women Believe, I felt unmoored because so much of what it was teaching was what I used to believe, and it helped make sense of how heavy we had made faith.
But this was different. This was nothing like anything I’ve ever read.
This was far, far worse.
This was actually sinister–and I don’t use that word lightly.
I’ve had profound concerns about the other books I’ve reviewed because they either mention abuse in passing without helping people identify it or insinuating that prayer will solve the problem, or they use anecdotes of abuse without labelling them as such, so people won’t understand they’re in abusive marriages.
Those things are wrong and terrible to do.
Martha Peace doesn’t do that. She does something far worse.
She fully admits that she’s talking about abusive marriages, even marriages where you are physically hurt. And yet even then the focus of her advice is on submitting more. And she tells you it’s a sin to give up hope for your marriage, to want to be happy or safe, or to feel sad.
It’s so tremendously awful.
It’s also just plain strange and weird.
Why is the focus of a marriage book on abuse? Because this one really is. It’s not called “How to Be a Good Wife When You’re Being Abused.” It’s just a marriage book about being an excellent wife. And yet the majority of her anecdotes and advice is given to people who are in horrendous and abusive marriages.
As we talked about on the podcast yesterday, what does this say about the circles that Martha is in? What does it say about her own marriage? What does it say about the people that she knows?
We have a marriage book coming out in the spring called The Marriage You Want, and I am so, so excited to be able to share that with you soon. But I’ll tell you–we talk about abuse and help people identify it, and then we tell them to go get help. But that is not the focus of the book, because the focus of the book is people who are in safe marriages. We assume that’s the norm.
Martha Peace seems to assume that the norm will be marriages where women are miserable and treated badly, because the majority of her advice is how to handle it when you are sad or don’t want to be there or you’re being treated badly.
Think about that for a moment: that’s what she thinks marriage is.
And this book has been a best-seller in fundamentalist circles and biblical counseling circles. In fact, Martha Peace still teaches at a biblical counseling school (The Master’s Seminary) and she’s featured all over biblical counseling websites.
This has taught me more about the quality of marriages in these circles than anything else.
I can’t imagine a worse ambassador for marriage in these circles than this book. Because if this is what marriage is like in these circles–I sure want no part of that marriage, and definitely no part of these circles.
She Deserves Better!
Because we all deserve a big faith.
Your daughter deserves better than what you likely grew up with in church.
What would it look like to prepare the next generation without toxic teachings about modesty, sex, or consent, and instead set her up for a big faith?
As I was reading it, I found it difficult not to get angry at God. I know she’s wrong, and I know she’s misusing Scripture, presenting only verses that talk about how we are to die to self, and not presenting the many, many verses about how God wants justice and cares for those who are being oppressed, and how it’s okay to stand up for yourself.
It’s like–I know this isn’t of Jesus. And yet when you see it there, page after page, it’s just ugly. It seeps into you. And it makes me angry all over again at the churches and seminaries that have used this book without thinking twice.
Even more than that, though:
My heart just aches for women in these marriages.
As I’m reading page after page of Martha Peace telling women that their feelings of being sad or disappointed in an evil husband are evil and sinful themselves, I just see these women feeling so very hopeless.
Tia Levings explained in the podcast that in some ways this book makes you feel hopeful at first, because there’s a plan: Here’s what you can do to fix things! But as you live out the plan, things get worse and worse. You feel more and more weighed down. And it’s so demoralizing, because you’re hurting so badly, and you’re simultaneously being told that God doesn’t really care about your feelings and that he’s upset at you for being upset.
The comfort she gives? Maybe God will strike your husband dead and get you out of this marriage that way.
Is this not depressing? Is this not terrible? How in the world did anyone think this was okay?
When I choose books to review, we make a list of best-selling resources around marriage, and then we check their Amazon rankings. And we basically move down the list. So this book sells really well. It’s not a fringe book.
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Can we take a minute and think about the women in these marriages and communities?
Can we remember how little power they have, how they are constantly being told that they are the problem? What are we going to do about that? How can we rescue them?
I just want these women to know that God isn’t like that. God isn’t mad at you for your feelings. God isn’t mad at you for being sad or scared or lonely or for wanting to escape and abusive man. And God has given you the ability to divorce for just that reason. You don’t need to let yourself die everyday so that Martha Peace of your pastor or the association of certified biblical counselors can be proud of you.
You can look to Jesus, and you can reject these messages and find freedom.
And I’m glad you’re here. I hope I can help. Because boy–that book feels like a snake that wraps itself around you and tightens and tightens and tightens. And nobody deserves that.
“Martha Peace seems to assume that the norm will be marriages where women are miserable and treated badly, because the majority of her advice is how to handle it when you are sad or don’t want to be there or you’re being treated badly.
Think about that for a moment: that’s what she thinks marriage is.
And this book has been a best-seller in fundamentalist circles…”
-You see it! I see it! EVEN MARTHA PEACE SEES IT!!!-
“Here’s what you can do to fix things! But as you live out the plan, things get worse and worse”
– Completely. This happened to me. Worse & worse & worse.
I was sabotaged 3x: first by being raised to think that sexism & simmering rage blamed on women and children is normal & not a red flag; 2 by marrying a man who was already marinated in*horrible* fundamentalist gender expectations & 3: by being assigned this book when I was a newlywed by my church (a Reformed, PCA church).
How you describe Peace’s view of marriage is exactly how I felt reading Lies Women Believe earlier this year! (I was trying to read it before your one-sheet came out, because Nancy provides a lot of the resources our church’s women’s ministry uses. As a caveat, I read the original book because that is what was in the church library. The revised version might be different.) Here is the snippet on the marriage content from my Goodreads review:
Wolgemuth has a horrible view of marriage. She seems to view marriage as a sort of heavenly ideal that we all strive for but can never achieve. She says that “Marriage was designed by God to reflect His glory and His redemptive purposes.”(pg 136) But on the next page: “What as intended to be a joyous, fruitful, intimate relationship between a man, a woman, and their God now became a battleground.” Then on pg 156: “The fact is, marriage is hard, and good marriages are even harder. Every married couple is “incompatible”…The only place where people get married and ‘live happily ever after’ is in fairy tales. Never, since Genesis 3, has there been such a thing as an easy or pain-free marriage.” Ouch. And this from a woman who had never been married when she wrote the book! Is this what she really saw in the marriages of her parents and friends? If this is what you think marriage is, why get married at all (Wolgemuth did eventually marry)? I think Wolgemuth believes a lie, and it is that marriage is always a nightmare. How incredibly sad to think it will never be better than this and to offer no hope to those marriages that are struggling.
The study guide for ‘The Excellent Wife’ begins with a list of suggestions for those studying the book. One of those is to “be careful not to gossip about or slander your husband” during group discussions. It directs women to go privately to a pastor or teacher about anything that “would cast your husband in a bad light,” rather than confiding in other women and seeking support or advice.
I saw this played out in my (former) church. When women expressed unhappiness in their marriages or asked for advice about issues, the elders’ wives would swoop in to admonish them about speaking badly about their husbands. The message was clear: go to the pastor or elders (all male) but don’t expect compassion or support from the women of this congregation.
Always in these books, we see the emphasis on protecting the man — his authority, his interests, his reputation — above the wife’s physical and emotional safety. She is to suffer and endure in silence (and even look forward to being rewarded in eternity for her pain) because wives should not expect anything better for themselves.
Tia was right in your podcast that the question we MUST ask is: who does this serve? Who benefits from these teachings?
” You don’t need to let yourself die everyday so that Martha Peace of your pastor or the association of certified biblical counselors can be proud of you.”
They will never ‘be proud of you ‘. Their advice as the minimum they expect. At best you’ll perhaps avoid receiving their harshest condemnation. But they’ll never be proud of you.
As others have said: If this is what marriage is supposed to be, why would anyone get married in the first place? Duty? Desperate for children? How could anyone be okay with their own daughters marrying, if this is what they thought would be the norm for them? Does Martha realize that she paints men as irrational beasts who can only be managed, like an overly aggressive stallion that is kept only because he is from a high dollar bloodline?
It’s books like this that make me understand why some females prefer to identify as non-binary. Yes, I know gender labels include other issues such as questions about identity and mental health, but would anyone want to be female if this author’s “scenarios” were your fate?
Sheila: “How can we rescue them?”
By doing what we are doing now. Talk about it. Blog about it. Discuss it. Don’t let people teach and preach this crap unchallenged.
We’ve been doing this for some time. We are reaching further and getting better all the time.
Keep after it. It’s working.
This week’s podcast and your recent discussions are really helping me unwind yet another aspect of spiritual abuse in the Church. You or your guests have said several times that often this stuff is not taught from the pulpit and that it sneaks in via individuals. That’s what happened to me. One friend joined the big homeschooling movement of the late ‘90’s/ early 2000’s. She went to all the conferences and came back with the Ezzo’s child training programs, all these crazy marriage books, IBLP stuff, etc. We weren’t in some cult. We were in a non-denominational evangelical church. BUT she was the pastor’s daughter -in-law and my friend. So I trusted her.
I am sure she didn’t mean harm. I’m sure she and her family have been hurt by this material too, and I don’t think homeschooling is bad. However, homeschooling in that era was a way that this toxic stuff spread. My husband and I had a lot of pressure on us to homeschool, and I always felt a bit ashamed that I was working my dream job, even though I was able to be mostly at home with my kids. Many of the people we knew were far more fundamentalist than our church was, even though some of them attended our church.
The dominating theme of that era was isolationist, and homeschooling was the way to protect your kids. Think of that weight – by not homeschooling, I wasn’t one of the crowd AND I was failing to protect my kids. Ugh!
It’s a huge mess, and I’m glad you’re tackling this, Sheila, because this is the under belly. So many of us were scarred by this stuff, even if we didn’t go to the conferences ourselves, and even if we weren’t in a fundie church.
If you’ve been an evangelical Christian in the last several decades, you’ve been touched by this extremism because it has been in the water. And all of it ties together. If you stay at home and homeschool, you are very dependent on your husband. At the same time, men are being told that they can’t control their lusts and the wife is responsible. It is a very targeted crushing of women, men, and families.
Where are there good resources for women not in abusive relationships, but in ones that are terribly difficult, nonetheless? Maybe he is a good man, but doesn’t have the knowledge or skill or empathy to engage properly in the marriage. Maybe he is on the Autism Spectrum Disorder spectrum, and though he’s trying, he will never be able to overcome his mind-blindness and social cluelessness and inability to truly see and appreciate another’s point of view. These are not divorce-worthy struggles per se, but they are soul crushing anyway.
Just a note here: ASD does not preclude self-awareness or learning to realize that one’s actions might be hurting another. We too often talk about ASD as if it explains what is more accurately identified as a lack of caring. ASD-ers may have difficulty with empathy, and more trouble than most in learning to pick up on social cues, but they are not uncaring people, for the most part. Please don’t assume that a person with ASD is automatically going to be a difficult person. He or she is as able to care for you as any other, and if they are using ASD as an excuse for things that hurt you, it is because they are not interested in building the relationship, not because they are ASD.
I’d like to add that neuro-diverse people often have great empathy but it is not naturally expressed in the way a neuro-typical person can feel it. However, the reverse can also be true- how a neuro-typical person expresses empathy may not be how the neuro-diverse person feels it. It’s a learning curve for both parties. That said, Alexithymia is real and can very much challenge relationships.
Robin, I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time in your relationship. I’m there in a way myself. I am having to come to terms that my relationship will likely never be remotely what I hope it could become, but I am thankful he is utilizing therapy to try to improve. I am working on myself, more realistic expectations of where he is at, allowing myself to mourn what I thought could have been, building a support system for me, pursuing my interests, etc. to make what areas I can be more fulfilling. It doesn’t take away the difficult aspects, but it helps improve the rest so the overall result doesn’t feel as crushing. I haven’t found a good resource yet though either.
This is exactly what I’ve been asking myself about my husband, thank you for writing this down.
He hasn’t been taught any emotional empathy growing up, I have been waiting patiently and quietly for him to become the husband I needed him to be. Trust me, being submissive has truly been destructive. Big mistake. I haven’t voiced any of my concerns until 20 years down the track, so we have a lot of work to do.
He understands when explained but isn’t capable to retain the information long term. This is hard breaking at times, and very hard to recover from over and over again.
He is a good man, but he is lacking the motional intelligence to make a relationship flourish.
Know a tree by its fruit. Seems like Martha Peace forgot that. That’s some seriously rotten fruit.
It bothers me that these people don’t use any sort of statistics or research to back up their crap. If it’s so clear from the Bible, you don’t need to buy their books; just read the Bible. If it isn’t clear from the Bible, then they need to make a scientifically sound case as to why they are right.
I also hate this idea that men need to be made into little emperors in marriage, otherwise, it’s intolerable for them. So only women are supposed to treat marriage like it’s important? If marriage is important, then men can put up with being told that they are wrong, waiting for sex when she’s postpartum, not abuse their wives, cherish their wives’ bodies as their own bodies (Ephesians 5), and otherwise putting in the hard work for something important.
Think about it. If you refused to go on a vacation with your extended family unless every single one of your whims was catered to, people would rightly conclude that you don’t actually value going on vacation with your family. Same thing here.
Exactly, Jane. They don’t love their wives, but women are told that this doesn’t matter. It’s so awful.
“It’s a sin to be sad”. This is very similar to the whole “bright, shiny happy people” thing. The theory is that when you’re a Christian, you’re SUPPOSED to be insanely happy all of the time. Anything less and you’re disrespecting your family, the church, God, the bible and (most importantly) your husband.
One of the songs the children’s ministry at my church has used goes: “I’m inright, outright, upright, downright happy all the time . . . since Jesus Christ came in and took away my sin.” There’s a lot of hand motions with this one so I think that’s why it’s been used.
What happens, though, when Jesus Christ comes in and takes away your sin . . . and you’re not “inright, outright, upright, downright happy all the time”?
I haven’t heard that particular song in a while so maybe others are thinking the same thing I am. Plus, I go to a church where the preacher has been open about his depression struggles (not in self-pitying way, but, “I dealt with depression during this time.”
When I put in a prayer request about my own depression a couple of decades ago, this same preacher came to me and said, “I was where you are; and I’m still here,” meaning, I can relate to your struggle, and there’s hope for you; not a shaming, “snap out of it.” I’d rather have his attitude than a judgy, you’re a Christian and you’re supposed to be happy!
Oh my goodness I hadn’t thought about that song in years! But you’re absolutely right.
You know what I was thinking after I had listening to the podcast yesterday? Do you know what Martha Peace’s take on sin and suffering made me think about?
I was thinking, if the desire for intimacy or for fair treatment or for any good thing in life is a sin, blimey, that does not sound like the Gospel or Christianity at all. It sounds like a distorted version of Buddhism. Real Buddhism is much nicer.
I’m not a Buddhist, nor do I wish to speak ill or upset any Buddhist or be disrespectful of what they believe. I do not wish to misinterpret Buddhism either, but this is what I have been taught about it at school:
The main philosophy in traditional Buddhism teaches that all the problems in our life and in the world come from the desire for life and happiness. This desire is not so much a SIN as a strong force that keeps us prisoners to karma’s laws and the cycle of reincarnation and all the problems that come from it. In order to get free from this cycle, one must first be freed from the desire. Once that has been accomplished, one may receive enlightenment and be free from the cycle of life.
Martha Peace’s book has a message that looks to me like a horribly distorted mirror picture of the one above: “Stop desiring for anything good, for it’s a SIN. Get Thee free from any form of idolatry by becoming a True Doormat that does not want anything, does not long for anything and puts up with anything. And the reward for Thee, for becoming a True Doormat that does not desire anything, is that this Pleaseth Thyne Lord Thyne Husband, and what shall a True Doormat desire more than this? And if this is not enough to Thee, this Meaneth that Thyne Heath is still Wycket…”
The Buddhists I know are good and kind people and much nicer than Martha Peace. They would be offended if someone would call this nonsense “Buddhism”. We should be offended too, as Christians, when someone tries to sell it to us as Christianity.
I think this is an excellent observation. I’ve had similar thoughts, especially after reading Lies Women Believe. It’s just an abusive form of Buddhism.
I know you said in the podcast that it wasn’t published by a big publisher, but I swear I remember finding that book in Barnes and Noble more than 20 years ago. (And I’m horrified after looking the book up on amazon to see that it has a 5-star rating! What??) Maybe I’m remembering B&N wrong, but one thing I DON’T remember wrong is how badly this book hurt me. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to get into it, but it’s basically everything you covered on the podcast, one sheet, and the other blog post. This book needs to be put out of print.
The Bible says: “But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is a sexually immoral person, or a greedy person, or an idolater, or is verbally abusive, or habitually drunk, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a person. ” (1 Cor 5:11)
Yet books like these blatantly teach wives to OBEY men like this!! It infuriates me! I should have been told by the church to flee from my abusive husband, but instead I was told to obey him and keep reading The Excellent Wife, You Can Be The Wife of a Happy Husband, and other similar harmful books. This is so wrong! I lived with my abuser for over 20 years and while we’re separated and divorcing, my body is still in trauma and my body still thinks I’m living in the abuse cycle. I have so much therapy ahead of me because of these people who heaped more abuse onto me!
I’m so, so sorry EOF! I wish that Martha Peace understood the harm she had done and repented.
Sheila: “How can we rescue them?” Part 2
I hate trying to comment from my phone which is what I did yesterday. Therefore Part 1 ended up under Marina’s comment due to some wonky operator malfunction. Sorry Marina.
Concerning Part 1, here is the evidence that I have been addressing this for some time: https://frombitterwaterstosweet.blogspot.com/2008/03/why-name-for-this-blog.html
But I’m not blogging much anymore. I’m leaving it mostly to those with bigger platforms and audiences. I will comment on these blogs as I do here from time to time. Especially if some jerk (or jerkess) comes along and tries to say that helping women escape abuse is not biblical. Then I come in with full force. We can’t let this crap spread without pushing back and pointing to Jesus.
But in my real life under my real name I am trying something new. I have joined a Celebrate Recovery group. I’m doing it initially to try to “sweep house” in my own life. I’ve been divorced from my Narcissist for three and a half years. And while I’ve really enjoyed breathing the “Free Air”, I know that I am still recovering from the trauma of a 30 year marriage to Narcissism with not help from the church.
But I’m not just doing this for myself. I used to think CR was only for recovering addicts. But I have since learned that it deals with so many other things including trauma, grief, etc. My co-worker read something about CR to me that mentioned that if Churches are hospitals then CR groups are ERs and this lit something off in my spirit.
I want to be in the ERs when the wounded come in. And I’m thinking specifically of these women (and men) who have been chewed up and spit out by people who promote The Excellent Wife, The Power of a Praying Wife, Created To Be His Helpmeet, Love and Respect, etc. ad nauseum. (and it is nauseating)
Because you see, while the church was absolutely no help to me while I was suffering, Jesus was with me and gave me love and support while I navigated the treacherous waters of a “Christian” marriage. And I have something to offer, including Scripture, to counteract the toxins (bitter waters) being spewed by foolish counselors.
That’s a great way to get in the trenches with people and be the hands and feet!
What a wonderful description of Celebrate Recovery!! I’ve been involved in CR for years, recovering from abuse in my childhood. Also, it helps nurture honesty and transparency in the community of faith! I heartily agree: “if Churches are hospitals then CR groups are ERs.“
I have struggled with wrapping my head around these kinds of books and ideas for the past 20 years in my own marriage (I’ve read them all). And I have always wished Sheila would tackle the topic of how a wife, who is a believer, is supposed to reconcile being married to another believer who is a serial emotional abuser whose abuse and dysfunctionality is propped up by Christian culture via sermons, books, etc. it’s a horrific cycle to be caught up in and quite frankly just makes you feel dead on the inside, since along with having to withstand the emotional battering, I am not allowed to show or have any emotional response of my own as that is disrespectful.
When our counselor (that I insisted on us going to years ago) suggested Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, I saw myself on every page. My husband only read the words “divorce” in the book, fired the counselor for being unbiblical, and then sent me several emails from Th Pearls on how divorce is the ultimate sin.
This is what the evangelical complex has instilled in these men. Not questioning WHY the counselor would recommend divorce for my own mental
Health and trying to address those things….. but only black and white thinking, rule following, lack of empathy, a firm belief in the theology mentioned above that the curse of the Fall means that husband and wife will always be at odds and I will always be trying to usurp his God-given authority, and a resulting patriarchy that never plays out like it’s supposed to in real life, which leads to the husband feeling attacked, inadequate and angry.
The result is being in a marriage where the only way I mentally survive is to not care About much of anything. Have no feelings. No emotions. No responses. And then constantly feel guilty for thinking that the only escape, like mentioned in the book, is that the Lord will take him soon.
Katherine, do you not have any way out?
I know you spouse considers divorce to not be an option. Also sounds like he has not intention or motivation to change anything on his end.
But you are not your spouse. Can divorce or separation be an option for you regardless of what he thinks?
What is keeping you from getting out?
Money? Kids? Feeling you have not support system?
Women have gotten out while dealing with all of these. Why can’t you?
Katherine, if you have to turn everything off because your husband is emotionally abusing you, that is DANGEROUS to your long-term physical health (the body does keep the score) and your mental health. You shouldn’t have to live like this.
There is a choice, but it’s one you may not like–you do not have to stay with an abuser.
If you do stay, then, yes, turn everything off with your husband, and invest your emotional energy in friendships and finding joy outside of your home. Get involved in volunteer groups, find a life you can be excited about so that the problems at home don’t register as much.
But there really is nothing else you can do. I’m so sorry.
Hi Katherine,
I’m not commenting much, but your comment broke my heart. I relate to an enormous amount of what you’ve written – it could have been written by me a few years ago.
One of the huge issues you’re dealing with is cognitive dissonance. I’m sure your brain is in turmoil and nothing really makes sense to you. “How can a Christian behave this way??” – is just one of the questions you may be dealing with.
Before you decide what course to follow with your future, my advice to you would be to really try and wrap your head around what your situation actually *IS*. It sounds like “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” was helpful to you. Maybe read it again?
This website has some helpful articles and tools which you may find clarifying – here are two to get you started:
https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics
https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/guide
Other helpful books you may consider are:
“Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft
“In Sheep’s Clothing” by George Simon
And here are two more online articles to help you:
https://myonlycomfort.com/2017/06/02/christians-who-revile/
And this one:
https://myonlycomfort.com/2015/04/16/2015-god-hates-divorce/
Only YOU can make up your mind about what the best course of action in your life is. Depending on your circumstances, getting out could be extremely difficult – socially, economically and emotionally. There is a genuine cost to going and to staying.
I can only advise you to make any decision armed with enough knowledge that you know what you are saying “yes” and “no” to by either decision – going or staying.
Another thought – if you are like me you will experience a lot of lightbulb moments and disbelief at the amount of disinformation you’ve been swimming in. You will find yourself wanting to share your mind on what you are discovering. Unfortunately people don’t seem to want to understand the damage and destruction the church culture and the books being promoted in it a wreaking. (Hence all of the blog posts and comments you find here.)
You need to get to a point where you KNOW what the truth is and can see reality in your own life even if no one else can.
When you get there, you can start making decisions about what you want to do.
On a last note, please do be aware of your situation and reading materials like these. If you feel that your husband would become angry and you’re not sure what he will do but at some level you feel afraid, please listen to those feelings. It may sound outrageous, but you need to work on a safety plan then. And that means it’s actually MORE important to keep educating yourself. If that sense of fear is present for you, then please read “Why Does He Do That?” sooner than later, and know details like these beforehand. https://www.thehotline.org/
I pray you find healing in this process! My heart is with you.
I second K’s cognitive dissonance. When the Spirit does try to lead you to resources, to gut feelings, etc., that cognitive dissonance you’ve been indoctrinated with has trained you to ignore or doubt it.
Lots of great suggestions and resources listed by several commentors so I won’t add much except to say that I am also praying for you as you figure out how to proceed.
Nessie – 🤗♥️ (as Jo would say – if you want ’em!)
Katherine,
We’ve been sold a lie by the Christian community, and we’ve been greatly harmed by it. The lie benefits our abusive husbands, and the only way to escape the pain and torment is to get out of the relationship. Your husband will not change, the system benefits him too much to bother. He is thriving off his power, control, and your pain.
You are the only one who has to live and sleep with this man, so you are the only one who can make this decision. Nobody else has a say in this. They don’t have any skin in the game! None! They get to go home to their own families. YOU are the one who has to live with this monster. It took me a long time to understand this because of my deep programming about wifely obedience and divorce being the worst sin that would send me straight to hell. I had my therapist and a friend from church telling me this, but it took me so long to to believe it.
My advice, as someone who only recently got out of a 20+ year abusive marriage:
Read Sheila’s books, listen to all of her podcast episodes, join Shiela’s patreon, read Natalie Hoffman’s books, listen to all of Natalie Hoffman’s podcasts, join Natalie’s private community, read memoirs by women who got out of their harmful marriages (there are a lot of those now!) Call a DV hotline and tell them about your situation!! They will help you and tell you what kinds of abuse you’re suffering.
You deserve better.
Thank you all for the above encouragement, empathy, and resources. Your assessment of the situation (and many just like me in similar shoes) is accurate and does put many of us with families, lives, businesses, etc between a rock and a hard place. That said, for my personal situation, after reaching the pinnacle of awfulness and having to grapple with the IMMENSE cognitive dissonance for years (spot on, K!) and knowing I’m perfectly rational but thinking I was going crazy……I’m on the other side of that with clearer understanding, better boundaries, and more support.
Why don’t I leave? Because the teeter totter of benefit/harm is still tilted to the side of beneficial, if that makes any sense. My children benefit from a mostly stable home (I’m very good at masking and while yes, kids are much more aware than they let on, I am able to deflect the boil of dysfunction away from them. But I no longer run interference with my kids to try to make him look good for their sake. I let the chips fall where they may and simply state the obvious to them after the fact. e.g., “His response out of anger was not a healthy way to deal with that situation.” etc). As Sheila mentioned above, I pour my time and energy into things that bring me joy and just stopped trying to be the one wanting to improve things in my marriage and quite honestly gave up hope of things improving. There’s a long list of coping strategies I’ve had to employ to stay sane and sometimes I even feel guilty for having to use those strategies because they don’t “seem loving” or “like something Jesus would do” (like he never lost hope did he? But sometimes when you stop hoping for things it makes life easier to bear, etc, etc).
All in all life, is much better than it was 10 years ago, my kids are still thriving, and no, I am not physically in harm’s way. If my personal happiness and dreams for a wonderful marriage need sacrificed, then so be it. Once the buffer of the kids are out of the house and empty nest has set in, who knows what the future holds. But I guess one of my points with my initial comment that I didn’t state clearly was that I don’t think there are really just a plethora of DSM-V narcissists running around. I don’t think truly at heart my husband is a clinical narcissist. I think for many husbands like him, it stems more from the perfect storm of poor communication skills, poor critical thinking skills, poor listening skills, pride, self-centeredness, and sin in general……and then an upbringing in the evangelical complex that says regardless of your actions, you deserve to be respected and that regardless of Christ’s redemption on the cross, your wife will always be trying to usurp your authority. That cuts any kind of true teamwork off at the knees and I think also puts husbands in a state of cognitive dissonance that makes them angry, because it doesn’t really reflect reality or how the world actually works.
I understand this, Katherine. It sounds like you’re weighing everything and making what looks like the best choice. And it’s not always easy. As long as it is truly a choice–I totally support it!
Totally agree that not all “narcissists” are truly DSM-worthy narcissists. But the “perfect storm” of the background, the wounding, and the pride combine to make impossible situations, and at that point, who cares if the DSM agrees that he has all the requisite symptoms?
I am glad that you have found a way to live with your situation, and that you have stopped covering for him in front of the children. Hopefully that is adequate so that they grow up with a fairly clear view of the realities of the marriage. Much blessing as you move forward.
Katherine,
I will be praying for you like I pray for everyone in a similar situation. I recently got out of a marriage that sounds something like what you described. I, too, don’t think my ex was a clinical narcissist, but both of us had been indoctrinated with these toxic teachings and it created that perfect storm that you described. I got low enough that I had suicidal ideation and nearly acted on it. I’m glad that didn’t happen, and after quite a bit of therapy I’m in a much better place than I was and have more compassion both on myself and on my ex.
It sounds like you’re thinking critically about your children’s future and doing the best you can with the situation you’re in. The reason I got out, ultimately, was because of my kids. It dawned on me one day, after another fight, that I was staying to keep them in a stable situation, but by staying I was teaching my son that it was ok to yell at whoever he married one day… and I was teaching my daughter that it was ok to be treated like that. And so, I got out. And they picked up on more than I thought they did, and we’re all much better now. But not every situation is like mine was, so you keep doing what you need to do and know that you have so many people keeping you in our thoughts.
Twenty-two years ago, this book was the content for a women’s Bible study at our church. I read a few pages, was turned off by it and chose a different Bible study. Nineteen years later (2020) I knew something was really wrong with my marriage. The “Biblical” counselor we were seeing recommended I come to the Martha Peace conference their Independent Baptist Church was hosting. I attended, desperate to do whatever the Lord would ask me to do to have a healthy marriage. I listened to her, bought all of her books and read The Excellent Wife cover to cover that night. I got to the appendices and read that when you were experiencing mistreatment in your marriage you needed to stay to bring God glory. My heart felt like it was stomped on and I literally cried out loud in anguish, sobbing for what felt like hours.
I questioned this “wisdom” but as a dedicated Jesus follower I was willing to do whatever He wanted. Two weeks later the “Biblical” counselor pointed out some of my husband’s harmful behaviors and he refused to go back to counseling. As I had done for 34 years by this time, I went again to the Lord and asked Him what my next step was in this painful marriage. I read the Word and sat, listening. In my head, as clear as a bell, I heard the matter-of-fact statement, “You’ll need to divorce him.”
I responded, “Lord, I know that is from you because I have never allowed myself to even think about divorce but it’s the only thing that makes sense.” I called a friend who had divorced her husband and asked her if she would give me some input on behaviors in my marriage. This was the first time I had EVER talked to a friend about anything in my marriage lest I disparage my husband.🤮 As I struggled to find words to describe what was going on, she could finish my sentences for me and she used the term “emotional abuse.” FINALLY! What I had been experiencing for the last 37 years made sense!
I was in the middle of a stage 4 cancer battle (the body really does keep the score) and I had to get through treatment before I could leave. I found Leslie Vernick and scores of other helpful people once I had language to understand the abuse I was experiencing.
As I was healing from chemo and radiation, I put a safety plan together and separated in June 2021. The parental alienation and extreme spiritual abuse I have experienced by an SBC pastor and elders has been excruciatingly painful. However, If this is what was necessary to experience the moment by moment, in-my-skin presence and power of the Living God, so be it. It is totally worth it.
I am miraculously cancer free and over half way to being declared in remission.
Thank you for exposing the poison of Martha Peace’s teaching.
Oh, my goodness, Janet, what a lot to live with! I’m so glad you’re free–and, yes, the body does indeed keep the score!