Does spanking help kids obey?
Yesterday on the Bare Marriage podcast I had an amazing conversation with David and Amanda Erickson about their new book The Flourishing Family.
One thing I especially appreciated about their book is that they brought in the data about the effects of spanking on kids (as well as data on other parenting techniques!).
This is something we’ve been passionate about for years on the Bare Marriage team. About 4 years ago, we spent a few weeks talking about it, and got some interesting feedback on social media. So many people were defending spanking because “it works” or “I turned out fine.”
I know many people still have those same pushbacks when we talk about how spanking can actually cause harm to your relationships with your kids and to your kids’ emotional health.
So I thought I’d revisit a post today that we originally put up back in 2020, addressing many of the pushback comments we got on social media.
Remember: Together, we can change the conversation about parenting in the evangelical church to make it healthy, biblical and EVIDENCE-BASED!
Does research really say that spanking is bad for kids?
We’ve had an interesting week on the blog, where we’ve talked about periods, sex, homeschooling, and so much more!
But I want to revisit Rebecca’s post on Wednesday about how we shouldn’t be spanking babies, despite what many Christian books (like To Train Up a Child or Shepherding a Child’s Heart) may say.
Some of you may not know this, but Rebecca has written a book called Why I Didn’t Rebel: A 22-year-old explains why she stayed on the straight and narrow (and why your kids can, too). She looked at the research about what made it more or less likely that kids will rebel, and then she interviewed dozens of millennials, some of whom had rebelled and some who hadn’t, and looked at commonalities. She was specifically looking at how sometimes the advice that we’re taught in many Christian parenting books actually doesn’t work, because it’s focused on trying to change outward behaviour rather than trying to build relationship so you can impact godly character.
It’s honestly a great book!
In researching Why I Didn’t Rebel, Rebecca looked a lot at the big studies on spanking, and talked to professors who had spent their careers looking at the research, and doing research themselves.
After our conversation on Wednesday, a few people on Facebook raised what’s a common question whenever we bring up spanking. I’ll paraphrase, because a number of people said this. But it tends to go like this:
I was spanked when I was younger, and I have a great relationship with my parents. And none of my siblings rebelled, either! In fact, I can’t think of another discipline technique that would have worked on me. Sometimes spanking is the best option.
Rebecca left a great reply, summarizing some of the findings of the huge Gershoff meta-analysis from 2016, and I’d like to post it here so that we can all see it, and comment on it:
What research says is that spanking leads to either negative outcomes or neutral outcomes–many kids are spanked and are totally fine! The same way that if you never wore a seat belt, it is very possible that you would never get hurt.
BUT, we know that wearing a seat belt is wise because we can prevent serious damage. So we wear a seat belt, even if we’ve personally never been in a car crash. Because the stats say that you have a higher likelihood of dying if you don’t, similarly, the research says your kids have a higher likelihood of aggression, mood disorders, poor relationship with parents, and other externalizing behaviors if you spank. Not everyone will, but the chances are higher.
Additionally, among families who did spank who had kids who had good relationships with their parents, research suggests that it’s not the spanking that helped–rather, they have good relationships with their parents DESPITE the spanking. So likely the homes overall were warm, loving, nurturing, and the introduction of spanking wasn’t enough to overcome those protective factors. But if a little bit of poison doesn’t make you ill because the rest of your diet is really really good, you still don’t need to ingest the poison. Also, there are usually other disciplining forms at use in these families that mean that even if spanking wasn’t used, they likely would have turned out fine and been well-behaved children.
The fact that there are families who spanked who turned out great does not negate the research with hundreds of thousands of participants that found that overall, spanking is an unnecessary risk that, at best, leads to neutral outcomes and has not been found–even when done “correctly” (not in anger, only when the child is of certain ages, only with an open palm, etc.)–to help strengthen parent-child bonds or lead to lower rates of unwanted behaviours in children and adolescents.
It is worth noting that other parenting practices have been found to not only avoid negative outcomes but actually promote positive ones, so there are research-based alternatives.
But swatting babies can teach them things, right?
Another thought came up repeatedly over the last few days, and one commenter summed it up well:
When my baby started crawling she wanted to put her fingers in the plug sockets. I sat next to her and said no and took her hands away. She looked at me and slowly reached for the socket again. I flicked her fingers with my hand and said no again. She pulled away from the socket in shock. After that she never tried it again. And she understood what no meant. Pain given in love is not evil. Don’t be led by the world’s wisdom. God inflicts pain on those He loves. “He who spares his rod [of discipline] hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines diligently and punishes him early.” [Prov. 19:18; 22:15; 23:13; 29:15, 17.]
Here was my reply, which I’m elaborating on a little bit for this post:
What you’re explaining is called operant conditioning. You’re not teaching obedience (babies can’t understand at that age); what you’re teaching is compliance.
Operant conditioning makes a behaviour more or less likely based on what the kid will get out of it. It’s not a moral choice, and when it’s with a punishment involved (like pain) it’s a fear-based avoidance behaviour to prevent the pain from happening.
Flicking a baby’s hands or swatting a baby teaches that baby that reaching for the socket brings pain. But because the baby is too young to do any kind of moral reasoning or even obedience, what this does is teach babies that mommy gives pain at certain times, without understanding why. That can be difficult for a baby to process, especially if there isn’t a lot of acceptance and joy in the rest of the relationship. If the relationship is otherwise a loving and healthy one, it likely won’t do much harm, and may end up neutral.
But remember that babies can’t make a moral choice to obey before two.
When a baby “obeys” before that, it’s not that they’re doing something right; they’ve simply been conditioned to expect pain. They “obey” out of fear. They’ve learned that people in the world are not safe.
That’s not what God means by obedience.
Godly obedience is understanding that there are two choices, and deciding to do the right thing intentionally. This is something else altogether. So we have to ask ourselves: What is it that we want our babies to learn about the world?
And in the light socket example, I’d just simply buy those light socket protectors and baby-proof it!
What we often miss in this conversation about discipline is the other side: how to engage with your kids.
The other problem with focusing so much of our parenting life on how to curb behaviour and how to discipline or punish kids is that we ignore the other half: how to actually engage with your kids, talk to your kids, interact with your kids. When we spend time with our kids and talk to them and help get them engaged in what’s going on around them, they learn so much. And they also form relationships with you so that they feel safe and they want to do what’s right. Really, this side of it is just as important, if not more important, than discipline (let alone punishment) and yet we so rarely talk about it.
That’s what Rebecca found in Why I Didn’t Rebel, too. We focus so much on rules for our teens, when what they really need is to be able to talk to us.
If you’re struggling with this idea of engaging rather than just punishing, can I suggest two resources?
I absolutely love the book The Flourishing Family by David and Amanda Erickson. We had them on the podcast yesterday and it was so good!
And then, if your kids are older, say 9 and up, take a look at Why I Didn’t Rebel (although it’s a great read even if your kids are younger, too, to start thinking about the relationship you want with them when they’re teens!)
You can teach your baby “no” without abusing them.
(Hitting a baby is abuse in Canada, and I refuse to call it anything else). Alex had a BAD biting problem when he was eating where he would grind his gums together and it was absolutely excruciating. So anytime he did it I said “no” firmly and we stopped feeding. We went and played for 10 minutes and then I offered him milk again. It took a few days, but within a week he had stopped biting me because biting didn’t lead to the desired outcome: milk. He did not suddenly think, “Huh, I must be doing something mom doesn’t want me to do when I bite her, so maybe I’ll try not biting her instead.” He was not capable of that complex of a thought at the time. Instead, it was very simple. He tried X and wanted to see what it would give him. X failed to give him good outcomes and instead led to the loss of good things. X no longer became something his little brain wanted to do.
Spanking is not the only way to discipline difficult children.
I talked extensively with a doctor of psychology who works with incredibly severe behavioural disorders in children on a daily basis. She also teaches parenting psychology at the PhD level at one of the best psychology schools in Canada and runs a part of the practicum program for students training to do what she does. She deals with incredibly difficult children–“strong willed” wouldn’t begin to describe it. She has a multitude of evidence-based parenting and behavioural management strategies she uses that WORK as long as the parent is invested and involved.
You know what isn’t on her list of tools? Spanking.
If she can get kids with diagnosed behavioural issues to behave–even ones who have been expelled from multiple schools–without spanking them, I find it hard to believe that there is literally no other option but spanking for children who are strong-willed or stubborn. Rather, I encourage parents to humbly talk to a parenting psychologist. This is what they do, and odds are your kid will seem like a piece of cake compared to some of their clients. Read books on parenting from evidence-based approaches. Ask for help for non-abusive and non-spanking parenting techniques. Look into cognitive development research so that you understand how your child’s brain works and you get ahead of the problem. If your 10-month-old is poking her fingers into electrical sockets, the answer is not to hit her–the answer is to cover the sockets.
Non-spanking parenting techniques are, frankly, harder and take more time and effort.
Spanking gets results. You hit your child, the child stops what they are doing.
But as a parent, it is not your job to find the easiest path to compliance.
It is our job as parents to do what is best for our child, even if it means it takes more from us. It is not right to expose your child to something that has been shown to lead to a much greater risk of mental health issues, lower quality familial bonds, and externalizing behaviours if it is unnecessary. And it is unnecessary. So please, do the research, look at other options, and don’t be willing to go with the easy option that’s potentially going to harm your kid. Because is that a risk you really want to take, if there are other options that work that don’t carry the risk?
What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?
And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?
I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.
I hope that helps clarify how to think about spanking.
It’s really about the aim–do we want to connect with our kids and shape character and teach them about God, or do we want to simply change behavior? Because when we do things based on physical force, it’s really about control and fear, not about molding character. If you’re a good parent and you have a good relationship, you can usually withstand it. But it’s DESPITE the spanking, not BECAUSE of it.
So now let me know: has your thinking about spanking changed in the last few years? What do you think about it? Let’s talk in the comments!
>> it’s focused on trying to change outward behaviour
This seems to be a chronic problem in many churches, that goes beyond spanking or childhood behavior. It’s all part of the “bright, shiny happy people” philosophy, where everything is oriented around image, and looking good, dressing well, pasting fake smiles on our faces, and following outward rules, and so on, but not focusing on developing our hearts and teaching us to be genuinely good and loving people.
Exactly. It all depends on the definition of “work.”
Does the parent want the child to learn to be self-motivated to develop good character, giving the child tools that healthily grow in patience, empathy, self-control, and all the other traits?
Or does the parent want instant compliance with the behavior required in the passing moment?
Those two outcomes are likely to never use the same methods in a given situation. And it ought to be blindingly obvious that slapping a hand, a butt, or a face is a lot less effort than teaching self-calming methods to the frustrations of daily life, to teaching decision making, to weighing options, to looking at likely outcomes of decisions, to keeping in mind during the decision-making process the consequences to oneself and others, and on and on.
Parents aren’t by their children’s sides 24/7, so at some point, parents have to be handing off these tasks and steps to their children. Parents have to let their kids try, and especially fail. Then comes the after-action review to see what worked, what didn’t, how to see the entire situation better rather than focusing on the one small piece that is the actual decision point.
How will adults know how to make good decisions if all they ever get growing up is punishment? Oh, their behavior may avoid certain obvious issues, but what about things like choosing between two job offers, or deciding whether to date (or marry!) a specific person, or what movies to watch (or not), or how to do any of the myriad things adults have to make decisions about nearly constantly? If someone’s only focus or history or experience is avoiding punishment, there is no practical knowledge of how to do something from a positive frame of reference.
We had this conversation over in Patreon recently. Personally it had big impact on me – it made me realize that hitting/spanking whatever you want to call it does work. As has been shared. it works but has negative effects. For some they can overcome and for others it causes deep pain. Sound familiar? This is just like the hierarchy message. Some person sees “it works” and so therefore it must be biblical, so they twist scripture to fit their experience. (Recently, I saw some pastor used Proverbs to justify spanking.) Then they refuse to consider science or other factors due to biased. Example is in the post: God inflicts pain in those he loves. Seriously? That poor woman thinks God inflicts pain on those he loves. What a sad interpretation of the bible. My God LOVES ME and the devil inflicts the pain and or I shoot myself in the foot with my own choices. MY GOD IS LOVING.
I love Becca’s book and it was written at the time when appropriate for my preteen/teenage kids. It is probably the number one book I recommend to people.
ONE LOVE.
Why not just put those plastic things in the electrical outlets? We did that for our children and for our grandchildren. No muss, no fuss.
I don’t hit my horses. I don’t hit my dogs. Why would I hit my children who mean so much more to me?
So. Very. True.
Evidence based research and commentary on the issue is important but what Christian parents really need is clear explanation on the bible’s teaching about spanking because, in the end, that’s most relevant.
Exactly so, Minta.
I agree with Sheila that spanking is inferior (and “easier”) as compared to really engaging with, and understanding our children (and child development, in general) as we instruct and train them.
But among the Christians I know who embrace spanking, there is a firm conviction that it is an important method which is prescribed in Scripture. And I know loving, engaged parents who feel that to refuse to spank at least some of the time is to actually be cruel to their kids.
These same parents may tend to embrace a dichotomy between biblical wisdom and “worldly” wisdom as well as a mistrust of secular resources, so the statistical evidence may not hold much weight with them. They need to have sources of sound biblical exposition to help them see the light.
Yes, I agree. I think another important topic to possibly explore is how to evaluate secular, evidence-based findings and be open to new ideas but also watch for truly unchristian conclusions (or just false or unhelpful ideas). For example, the American Academy of Pediatrics currently recommends that parents and health care providers support children, even young children, in living as transgender, including medical gender reassignment treatments. There are many studies that (purport) to show that having an abortion, vs carrying a pregnancy to term and either parenting or placing for adoption, leads to better life outcomes for women, especially women who became pregnant as teens. And we can look at past parenting (or medical, or psychological) advice that came from secular “experts”, based on the evidence that they claimed to have at the time, that turned out to be harmful in the long run.
A number of Christians will say that expert advice is not consistent (ie, competing theories within the secular world) or keeps changing, but the Bible doesn’t change, so we should just follow the Bible and take secular advice with a grain of salt.
There is a theme that I, at least, absorbed growing up in the church: broad is the path and wide is the road that leads to destruction, and narrow is the path that leads to eternal life, and only a few find it. There is this idea out there that the world is going to tell you to take the easy way out, and the way of Jesus is the way of suffering. The question we have to get people to ask is: am I accurately identifying what is the easy, destructive way, and what is the difficult, life-giving way? For example- is it really more difficult to spank, or to discipline in a way that doesn’t involve spanking? Part of the dilemma is trying to identify what “life-giving” means. For many evangelicals, it means life after death, and being happy or relaxed in this life is a sign that you’re not taking your own (or your children’s) sinfulness seriously enough. The assumption is that our nature is to constantly be creating idols and putting good things ahead of God, and that God, out of love, will constantly be removing idols from our lives and shaping us into his image through productive pain. Consequently, many Christians who are trying to take their faith seriously interpret emotional, physical and circumstantial pain and suffering as proof that God wants them to experience pain, but out of “love.” So they override their natural instincts and inflict pain on their children out of “love.” They assume the problem is not the pain itself, but their own attitude towards it; if they were less rebellious and more spiritually mature and conformed to Jesus’ image, they would embrace the pain as being for their own good.
I actually find that so sad. It’s like people are living in a cult!
Non-spanking, and non-manipulative, tactics are definitely harder. But my experience is that it’s so much better. It’s freed me into having real relationships with my kids, and to be able to see their hearts, rather than just focusing on outward compliance
“Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
Shepherds didn’t beat the sheep. It would have scared and scattered the sheep.
The incongruity between the two uses of the word “rod” are a signal to me to take a deeper dive into a Hebrew word study.
Hebrew word studies can be helpful with the more difficult Old Testament verses. This one goes pretty deep, and it will take a while to study it. I don’t think I’ve yet completely comprehended it. It isn’t just that “rod” can mean “shepherd’s crook.” It can also mean “scepter.” But scepters weren’t used to beat people, either. Kind of like judges don’t use their gavels to hit people over the head in a court of law. A gavel is a symbol of authority, but it isn’t used as a weapon.
https://www.chaimbentorah.com/2018/07/hebrew-word-study-spare-the-rod/
Thank you for sharing this! Great food for thought!
As to your comment about the shepherd not beating the sheep, as you aware of a common anecdote shared in evangelical teachings that shepherds would (out of love!) break the leg of a straying lamb to teach it to stay close to him? I won’t share any links, but a web search will find multiple instances of this teaching in online sermons, blogs, articles etc. There are probably an equal number of articles denouncing it as a Christian urban legend.
But which side you come down on regarding that illustration really reveals your concept of both God and yourself. Are you at heart a foolish, rebellious lamb that the loving shepherd will inflict terrible pain on and lifelong memory of the injury, in order to teach you his ways and save you from death? Or is such a picture a monstrous distortion of who God is and how he sees you? I honestly don’t know the answer. I know what I’d like to believe, but I’m not sure.
I have heard that anecdote a LOT and I still call BS. You don’t break an animal’s leg and get it to love you, no matter how long you carry it around on your shoulder. And if you’re carrying a lamb on your shoulder for several weeks, how does the thing learn to walk again? And what do you do with other lambs who are straying? Cause I guarantee you that this is not the only lamb whose leg you will have to break, according to this analogy. How many sheep do you want draped around your shoulders for the next six weeks? I don’t know who made that one up, but it’s a pretty dumb analogy.
It’s a made-up parable, so I have no problem rejecting it. I had never heard of it before. Can you imagine Jesus telling this parable? I can’t.
Making up a parable that portrays the character of Jesus falsely is a lot like making an idol that attempts to falsely portray God in a graven image.
Please don’t draw near unto people who teach this. Hear the voice of the Good Shepherd as He calls you to His one, true flock.
I’ve heard that too about breaking the leg. It’s not true. It’s made up!
My father spanked me very carefully and lovingly, in accordance with everything his teachers said he should do. No show of emotion until it’s over, hugging immediately after hitting me, not listening to my cries for mercy, all those twisted things.
My mother screamed at me and slapped me until her anger was satisfied. I was spanked by her because she didn’t know how to properly process her emotions.
And you know what? They felt thr same. The pit in my stomach, the fear, the anxiety, the tears, all of it. I could not distinguish between the two as a child. To me, they had the same effect. Both felt like abuse.
I’m thankful that I’ve chosen to forgive my parents and have a good relationship with them despite this. But I’m going to be in therapy for a while.
My mother has apologized for what she did (I was shocked to hear that what she did was even in anger—I never knew)
My father refuses to acknowledge that what he did was fundamentally wrong—and that still hurts. When confronted, he just points to one out-of-context verse in Proverbs and says “Well maybe it wasn’t right for YOU, but God still commanded it”
It makes me so angry and sad. I know what he put me through, and I know that God values children far too much to want that for them.
I think our relationship probably won’t heal completely until he properly apologizes.
If you spanked your children at some point, and you now think it isn’t right—please apologize to them. It would mean the world.
To everyone who still says “I turned out okay!” Please don’t dismiss us so quickly—I used to think the same! But I was always anxious in my relationships, and I was terrified of upsetting people. I’m not comfortable speaking to authorities. I had a self—harm problem for years because I subconsciously thought that I needed pain for everything to be okay.
And for everyone else who was spanked in that weird ritual I was, I’m so sorry. I see your pain, and I’m hurting alongside you. I’m sorry your parents didn’t protect you. I’m sorry they got tricked into that twisted love. I love you. God loves you. And that doesn’t mean that He wants us to suffer.
Oh yeah, and speaking of lasting effects, I forgot—just in case you needed more proof, I got straight-up ptsd flashbacks of spanking for a while. Took a lot of therapy and use of grounding exercises to work through that.
My husband couldn’t wear belts for a long while—the sound and sight of him taking it off would just absolutely send me back to when I was a child again. Couldn’t do it. I would also freak out if he had glasses on when we had arguments—reminded me of my father.
Logically, I know that he loves me and would never hurt me! But sometimes, I’m still that scared little child who is so sure that pain is coming. I’m thankful that he’s been so patient and understanding of my past, and we’ve been able to work through it together. Goodness, I could probably spend another several paragraphs just blabbing about how much I love my husband, but I’ll spare everyone that.
Oh, Kit, that’s so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.
Thank you, I really appreciate that.
I don’t hold any of it against my parents—they truly love me, they just didn’t have the right tools to teach me well.
And when they looked to the authorities in their lives for wisdom and guidance, they were told that they HAD to hit me, or else I would probably go to Hell! I can absolutely understand how afraid for me they must have been.
I’m glad you’re discussing the truth about whether spanking works or not, and especially pointing parents to alternate resources. Sometimes people can feel stuck when they’re told not to do something without being given any alternative—I know I do!
I so appreciate what you shared. I’m glad you’re in a healthier place now with your parents. And I also resonate with this, “I think our relationship probably won’t heal completely until he properly apologizes.”
My parents didn’t buy into the “christian” teachings on spanking for discipline, but they believed in having complete control and being given their properly “due respect.” My mom would hit in anger and embarassment of not being revered: my dad only hit as “needed” such as slapping my hand when I grabbed a sharp knife as a tot. Later my mom would turn to hateful words to shame me into obedience, threaten me, make me feel worthless so that I was easier to control, etc. (She also liked to break me down into a worthless heap so that *she* could then be my “savior” and build me back up.)
I talked to my dad a couple years ago about childhood… his response to hearing how I almost took my own life at 17 (because I was so miserable from the psychological and verbal abuse from my mom)? “We had to prepare you for the real world.”
Raising me for the “real world” meant that I didn’t notice, or actually sought out, red flags in my boyfriend who became my husband, and I have been miserable for 2 decades until I put a stop to (unintentional) abuse.
I feel I could truly forgive pretty much all of it (though still need to work through it) if my parents would admit to and apologize for the harm they did instead of telling me I am just too sensitive. I don’t reckon that will ever happen, but I am happy to hear when that happens for other people. It gives me hope that others have a better chance of having an abundant life and maybe my kid can have a healthier life by making healthier relationships, too.
💞
Just so you know, you are loved and heard. Your words matter, and your feelings matter. What you went through matters. You DESERVE an apology, no matter what your parents say about it. (And what they are saying is wounded pride, not truth. It is not about you or the “real world,” it is about them being prideful and pathetic.) I gather that you are in a place where you can find healing for all that, and I am so glad for you!
Lisa- I’m definitely in a place of healing where some days are better than others, but it is a process that I try to keep moving through by not letting myself get too bogged down by the bad days.
Thank you for your kind words. I know them in my head but it helps my heart to hear them from others now and then.
Yes, what you said, Nessie. I would also add that I have had to repent to my own kids for responding harshly to them. I also want to forgive my own parents for some of the discipline/punishment they applied in my growing up years, but like you, neither one of my parents have asked for forgiveness.
One response I give to my youngest son when he says something that is sassy or disrespectful (he’s 17 now) is, “I’m going to pretend that you didn’t say that.” Generally that gives him the opportunity to tell me that he shouldn’t have said what he said and respond in a way that is appropriate. It usually works without things escalating into an argument.
JG- Yes! I have talked to my kid about what I realize I have done wrong, asked forgiveness, and said as I figure out more things I did wrong I will come to him about those, and said he can come to me with any areas he has felt I’ve wronged him, too. I guess that’s part of what makes our parents’ refusal to admit any hurtful actions so difficult- we know how much it breaks our hearts to have hurt our kids so we repent, yet they cannot or will not do the same.
The church has so much healing that needs to take place, and much for which to repent. I love that healthy resources are finally becoming available, both for healing and for doing better moving forward!
Great idea to diffuse your son’s sass. It gives his brain a chance to catch up to the impulsivity of prior words.
Oh, that’s so awful! I’m so sorry, Nessie.
And we can make the next generation better!
That’s so awful Nessie, I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m glad you’re safe now!
It’s very liberating to think about how different we can make things for the next generation, isn’t it? The cycles of abuse can finally end here, with us!
But it doesn’t take away what happened to us, and I’m so sorry that your parents haven’t repented of what they did to you. I always pray that my dad realizes the depth of what he did and apologizes for it, and I’ll be praying that your parents do the same.
Thank you, Kit! I’m sorry for what you went through, too, and I will pray for you as well.
This is such an interesting subject, and thank you for doing this research and sharing the results. My two sisters and I were homeschooled by loving, faithful parents. We are incredibly blessed to have had such amazing childhoods full of love and support (and adulthoods!), but I can very much attest that the three of us have great relationships with our parents despite receiving spankings. It is so confusing to have people who love you deeply, who genuinely want the best for you (which was super evident in everything else my parents did for us), hurt you. The churches my parents grew up in and attended while we were young all taught that spanking was a good, biblical way to discipline all children, especially “strong-willed” ones (“Shepherding a Child’s Heart” was a bookshelf staple). It’s safe to say that we were all pretty strong-willed, and spankings just stoked the fires of rebellion in our little hearts. It’s impossible to feel truly repentant about something when you’re seething with the injustice of what’s being done to you, and reeling in confusion and anger. (Thankfully they never bought into the infant discipline stuff; they fell into the “only of a certain age” camp.)
As we’ve gotten older, my parents have expressed great sorrow about falling for the lies they were told about parenting. They realized that it’s not a power struggle against rebellious hellions; it’s a dialogue between grown people and very little people who need help learning how to engage with others and the world in a healthy way. My mom is very influential among the younger parents at their church, and I am so thankful that she’s helping them get off to a better start than she did. My dad has such a soft, caring heart that is so evident in his relationships with us. It makes my heart ache that she and my dad had to go through the process of accidentally abusing their children because they genuinely believed it was biblical. It makes my heart ache that my sisters and I had to go through the confusion and anger and humiliation that spanking brings. But I am so thankful to the Lord that he has worked even this for good, eventually. The journey of healing continues!
That is so sad! I’m so glad your parents are seeing it differently though.
I can only comment from my memories of being a child. What I learned from being spanked and scolded is that it is disobedient/dishonoring/disrespectful to even have a desire different from my parents’. To express that different desire was a horror not to be contemplated. I actually don’t think that’s what my parents wanted us to learn. It was just how it turned out in my child brain, but I have heard from others that that was exactly what they were taught.
That has me wondering, for parents who have been taught that spanking is a biblical mandate and that their children should always and instantly obey them, if part of the transition to not spanking is a paradigm shift in how they see their children and their responsibility as parents.
Before we even get to the spanking conversation, maybe we need to start with, “Here are the reasons it is biblical and good for your child to express desires that are different from yours. Sometimes they will contradict you or say no. The base motivation for that is a good thing that God created. The point of being a parent is not to make your child do what you want.” Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, it feels shocking and destabilizing to type out.
Yes!! My wife and I are beginning to understand that our goal as parents will make a world of difference. Most of the advice out there teaches us that our goal needs to be instant, perfect obedience, and that we should accept nothing less. But what about the parable of the two siblings, one of whom after receiving a command from his father, refused but then went, and the other said yes right away and did not? JESUS SAYS THAT IT IS THE FIRST WHO OBEYED!
If my goal is instant obedience, than spankings are definitely my best and easiest option. But if my goal is a close relationship and loving trusting obedience that springs from a cherished heart, I don’t believe that spanking will get me there.
So good, Daniel!
Excellent point, Nethwen. I think this gets to the heart of it: what does it mean to parent? What is our actual goal and our actual responsibility?” And it’s not to force kids to obey. It’s to guide kids so they want to.
The book does this really well, by the way, building up its case so it’s only at the end that it addresses spanking!
I do think so many people would gladly let go of spanking if they understood why it isn’t necessary Scripturally. I read the linked blog in this comment section, which was helpful. I’d love more sources that deal with these passages.
Just started reading The Flourishing Family and I’m excited for this parenting perspective!
I’m only just beginning to process how church teachings on punishment have affected me.