Nobody wants to pass on sexual shame to their kids!
Being able to talk to your kids about sex without giving them the message that they should be ashamed of this part of themselves is such a gift you can give your kids. That’s why we created The Whole Story, a course for parents to go through “the talk” with their kids to help them get the information they need without the shame we so often carry through our adolescence.
I know not all of you have teens and preteens, but I thought that during this week we could do some exercises that will help ALL of us, no matter our parenting situation, have a healthier outlook on our bodies and sex and be better equipped to talk to others in a helpful way.
Of course, if you have kids approaching puberty this is even more crucial! But it’s also important that all of us do what we can to change the culture with how we understand sex, puberty, and our bodies.
On Friday we looked at what hangups you may have about sex.
Now I want to look at Emotions Around puberty.
If you experienced a lot of shame going through puberty, that could affect how you communicate to your child about the changes that he or she is going through. But we can’t embrace the truth about how God made us, and that mature bodies are something to celebrate, until we also come face to face with the emotions that have shaped our thoughts on the matter.
And puberty is an emotionally laden time that often dictates how we feel about ourselves! Here are just a few of the comments that came through Instagram and social media:
I had the boob “problem” – except opposite! I’m quite flat. It took a LONG time, like well into my early 20s, to embrace it and realize I’ll just have never more than a A cup. But to make matters worse, in 5th grade – though I didn’t have a chest like most girls – I got my mom’s backside. It got to the point of being sexually harassed pretty often, though I didn’t know any better at the time.
I was so confused by my feelings towards girls. I’d get erections in class and be petrified that someone would notice. But I also couldn’t stop looking at the girls. My father and grandfather had stacks of porn magazines, and I felt like I was becoming like them. I grew up with all sisters, so it made me feel like I was becoming really creepy. I still don’t know where to look when I’m at the beach.
The worst part was how awkward and embarrassed Mom was about everything. (Sorry Mom, I know you tried your best!) That made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I eventually asked Mom to just buy a book, because I couldn’t bear talking about it.
How will those emotions affect how you handle your child’s puberty?
If growing breasts and needing a bra is shameful, then it’s going to be hard to get excited about taking your daughter out shopping for a bra.
If a man remembers his junior high years with involuntary erections as being a shameful part of his history, and associates it with early battles with lust that he’s never recovered from, having those conversations with his son about preparing him for these thoughts, or for wet dreams, will be even more difficult. How can you share without revealing too much ugliness about yourself?
Are you terrified to give your kids “the talk?”
The Whole Story is available for parents of both girls and boys. It’s an online video-based course that helped parents tell their children about sex, puberty, and growing up.
Your kids need to talk about this. And they need to talk about it WITH YOU.
Let us start those conversations, so you can finish them!
What Emotions Did You Have about Puberty?
If I were to ask you what words you most associate with puberty, what comes to mind? I’ve got a whole bunch here, and some are about sinful habits that may have started at that time. Don’t shy away from that, because often our secret sins that started then impact how we talk to our kids. We’re scared that because we started masturbating then, our kids will. And we just don’t want to think about that possibility! Look at this list, and then pick 3 words that you most associate with your own experience with puberty.
Some of you may want to pick 4 words–one from each list. But I don’t want you to do that. Just choose 3, because it forces you to ignore AT LEAST one list (and maybe more). Which list you ignore is almost as interesting as which lists you tend to gravitate to!
Positive
- Excited
- Empowered
- Mature
- Proud
- Grown Up
- Fun
Negative
- Ugly
- Too big
- Too small
- Lonely
- Unattractive
- Inadequate
- Mortificating
- Physically Disgusting
- Uncoordinated
Dangerous
- Bullied
- Unwanted attention
- Unwanted touch
- Sexual harassment
- Sexual assault
Guilty
- Lusting
- Masturbation
- Pornography
- Erotica
Ideally, we want to raise kids that choose at least 2 positive words–and maybe one negative one. (I really don’t think you can avoid the negative entirely! But we at least want a positive word to be the primary one.)
It’s hard to do that, though, if all of our own words are negative, dangerous, or guilt-inducing.
If Your Words Are Negative:
Mourn with yourself that you grew up with the idea that your body was somehow inadequate! It’s okay to be sad for young you. Even share with your spouse, or a friend, some of these emotions and some of these memories, so they understand. In fact, if you can recall a specific instance that gave you some of those feelings, even better.
Now, picture that memory (or memories) that caused same, and ask yourself, “What was Jesus thinking about me in this situation?” And then start telling yourself that truth!
Then ask, “What do I wish my experience had been like instead?” Try to walk through your first bra shopping, or your first period, or your first wet dream (if you’re a guy), and ask, “how would I rather than this had been handled?”
That’s how you’re going to handle it with your child! And if you’re not a parent, then still go through this exercise, because it helps you develop a better way of talking about it with other young people, or with friends.
If Your Words are Dangerous:
Was sex used as a weapon against you? Maybe you were assaulted. Maybe you grew up feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with your body. One woman said this:
Having grown up in a community that treated anything related to sexuality as taboo, and that taught me that I had a duty to “protect my Christian brothers” from temptation…developing breasts was a nightmare. I would wear my bra as tight as it would go, and then put on TWO sports bras on top of that!! Anything to flatten myself and hide the existence of these shameful (i thought) things.
We can grow up feeling like our bodies are dangerous to ourselves, because that can cause other people to lust after us, or to actually assault and hurt us.
If you’ve been through this, I’d encourage you to think through these questions:
- Has “being dangerous” impacted how I treat my body? Has it led to overeating (so I hide my figure), undereating (so I disappear), or substance abuse?
- Has it affected how I dress? Is my primary motivation not to draw attention to myself?
- Has it affected how I see sex?
For some of you, this is an extremely traumatic exercise, because you were abused. And if that’s the case, I pray that you are able to find a licensed counsellor trained in evidence-based trauma therapies to talk to who can help you through these memories. They need to be addressed, but you do not need to feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you! And our book She Deserves Better can help you too!
Once you’ve gone through these questions, ask yourself, “Can I change my thought patterns so it doesn’t result in destructive behaviours, or destructive ways of relating to others?”
If you’re still on a healing journey (and let’s face it; most of us are!), one word of encouragement. It’s okay to be honest with your child. If your child hears, “I never learned how to consider myself pretty when I was a teen, and I still struggle with knowing what to wear. I really want to be better, but I want you to know that I think you’re beautiful, and maybe we can learn together”, your child will feel empowered. Authenticity and vulnerability breeds closeness. You don’t need to be perfect; your child will understand insecurities. But if they hear you voice those insecurities, then they’ll be better able to process some of the things you do that may confuse them.
If Your Words Are Guilt-Inducing
For many of us, puberty was the start of a secret habit with pornography, erotica, or masturbation. And many of us have not fully dealt with that ourselves, which makes it even harder to guide our children well through this.
If you got hooked on porn or erotica when you were a young teen or preteen, please know that this is natural and common.
A young child being drawn in by that is not the same as an adult, who is fully aware of the dangers of these things, getting drawn into it. A child has no weapons against it. A child has natural curiosity about sex, and is naturally drawn to things that teach about sex (even in a bad way).
And when a habit is formed at that age, it’s very hard to stop.
If you had words in this column, I’d encourage you to find freedom: Tell someone about it so that it loses its power over you. I also have a variety of book recommendations for those dealing with unwanted sexual behaviors.
And then know that just because you got sucked in, it doesn’t mean that your child will!
Ask yourself: What made it easy for me to become addicted? Was it boredom? Access to porn or erotica? My parents not knowing what was going on with me? Stress? Feelings of inadequacy?
Now, what can you do to make those things less likely for your child? You certainly can create a less porn-friendly home! And you can open up lines of communication about this, too (and The Whole Story can help with that!).
What if Sinful Words WEREN’T on Your List?
Maybe you sailed through puberty without lust problems. That’s great! But then it’s especially important not to assume that your child will do the same. In The Whole Story, we do talk about porn in both the girl’s and boy’s versions, which gives you a way to start those conversations with your kids. Just because you didn’t struggle with it doesn’t mean your kids won’t!
If You’re a Parent…
One last exercise. Look back at those words, and ask yourself: What are the words I want my child to one day put on their list, when they think back to puberty? And now ask yourself, “What am I doing now to make sure that happens?”
I hope The Whole Story can help you with that! And if your kids are still young, that’s okay. When you buy the VIP version, you’ll get lifetime access to the courses, including all the new elements we’ll be adding as time goes on. And I also have some pointers in the VIP version on how to start these conversations when children are very young so that they’re ready for the real talks when they hit puberty.
What if Talking to Your Child about Sex and Puberty Didn’t Have to Be Scary?
The Whole Story does the hard part for you! This online video based course features Christian young people explaining to your kids all about sex, puberty, peer pressure, dating, hygiene, and more, so that your kids have all the information they need.
But it’s not a REPLACEMENT for you. It’s a RESOURCE. Let us start the hard conversations, so that you can continue them.
Okay, I’m going to be very vulnerable with you. My 3 words were erotica, mature, and inadequate. Anyone want to share theirs in the comments?
All my three come from the ‘dangerous’ list. Although I’d pick ‘pain’ as my third word if it were an option. I was constantly told that painful, heavy periods were ‘normal’. No one ever told me that there was a level of pain and bleeding that was not normal until I was in my 30s. Parents, please make sure your girls know the difference between ‘normal’ pain and heavy bleeding and the kind that needs medical attention – and don’t let the doctor fob you off with comments about young girls being drama queens. It is NOT normal to faint with pain. It is NOT normal to throw up constantly for 24 hours. It is NOT normal to soak a night-time pad every hour. It is NOT normal to be in pain for 25 days out of 30. My life could have looked very different if those around me had realised this when I was 13-14.
This is so true, Angharad!
Ugly, physically disgusting, sexual harassment.
Sigh
I was exposed to porn around age 9 at a friend’s house by her older brother. I felt completely disgusting in my own female flesh. I only saw one scene, but it is still burned into my memory. From that experience and the silence of my parents due to their own shame, I hated that I had breasts and avoided getting a bra for as long as possible, wearing tank tops instead under my tops. Nothing about my changing body was ever discussed. Junior high was a constant stream of my bra being snapped and my butt pinched for three years. Having boobs was horrible, and yet it was pushed as the way to attract guys. I felt like a commodity, so I hid as much as possible. Then came college and massive amounts of purity culture and shaming for just living in a female body. If I could have cut them off, I probably would have. Purity culture gave me a false sense of righteousness for hiding my body in shame and only validated all the feelings I had from childhood. Clawing back to see my body, including my breasts, as good has been the hardest work of my life and is definitely ongoing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt fully at home in my own skin, and it is hard not to be so angry at the regilious systems and men that robbed me of my innocence and enjoying the body that God gave me. It’s theft, and something I have wrestled through mountains of shame to not pass along to my girls.
My primary emotion in the years leading up to puberty was terror (thinking of it literally made my skin crawl), and my primary emotion the day I got my first period was disgust. I felt so dirty and awful.
Then later when the first day of my period was always awful, and my mother had NOTHING to help me, and the school nurse would never let me lie down in the health room for more than 20 minutes… it was horrible. I was sick as a dog every month, and no one would help me. And heaven forbid that I should stay home for even part of a school day. I don’t really know how I made it through that time of my life.
Grown up, erotica, and inadequate.
Thankfully I don’t have any words from the dangerous list, and my mom definitely tried to help me be ok with puberty, but it was the depths of purity culture and she mostly sent me to books like “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” to help me figure out sex and relationships, and those mostly made me feel like I needed to be perfect and then God would send me a husband. There were also a few comments (especially when I grew double Ds) that I shouldn’t wear (high) V-necks, and that maybe if I lost weight my chest would get smaller (as if it was a bad thing that I had breasts).
I accidentally found erotica in early middle school, and gradually fell deeper and deeper into that hole, leading to huge feelings of guilt and shame and twisted views of normal sexuality and relationships. I am finally in a healthy relationship now, but am still struggling with coming out of the erotica/porn sin and figuring out what emotions are normal and healthy and whether I’m worthy of love. It helped me a lot about two years ago when I found Beth Allison Barr’s “The Making of Biblical Womanhood” and this blog and started to figure out a more Jesus-centered view of women. So much about sex and relationships was off limits or skewed growing up in purity culture, and it’s helped me so much to be able to read and talk with friends about things and find out what’s normal and ok rather than going to porn and Disney to figure it out.
I really appreciate the work you do on this blog to answer some of the difficult or awkward questions about sex/relationships and point out the issues with some of the church’s answers.
My 3 words were mortificating, lusting, and masturbation.
I hit puberty before most of my female classmates. I remember in middle school, I was embarrassed about having periods and having pubic hair because of how other girls acted about it. I shaved my pubic hair up until high school.
I was lusty because I was selfish and immature. I wanted guys I couldn’t have and often fantasized about them.
I engaged in masturbation because I had a great desire to experience sex, but I don’t know why I was so hung up on sex at that time.
I did not have the sex talk with my mom (I was expected to figure it out on my own or she expected the school to handle it). While my mom was a Christian, she didn’t really bring me up in Christ.
I think if she had been a safe person to discuss things with and had taught me more about God and the Bible, I could’ve had a different experience with puberty.