Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Understand How Important Foreplay Is

by | Oct 7, 2013 | Sex | 27 comments

Merchandise is Here!

Reader Question: How do I get my husband to understand how important foreplay is?Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. And today we’re going to talk about foreplay–or specifically, husbands and foreplay (or lack thereof).

One of the ones I get variations of quite frequently goes something like this:

My husband doesn’t really get that sex itself doesn’t do much for me. I need a lot of warming up. He seems to think there’s something wrong with me; like why should we have to spend so much time on this “other stuff” instead of sex. How can I get him to understand that women need foreplay?

Excellent question! So here are some quick thoughts:

[clickToTweet tweet=”Husband doesn’t understand that you need longer to get warmed up? 4 thoughts for you today!” quote=”Husband doesn’t understand that you need longer to get warmed up? 4 thoughts for you today!”]

1. God made men and women physiologically differently

Quite frankly, women don’t receive as much stimulation from intercourse as men do, and so for most women, intercourse, in and of itself, is not enough to bring women to orgasm. If, on the other hand, we get aroused first, that means that the clitoris and the area around the clitoris get enlarged, and they then feel much better during intercourse. We need to be warmed up!

And I really can’t explain it better than Amanda Gore, in this hilarious video. If you’ve had difficulty helping your husband understand that you need foreplay, have him watch this (I think it’s tasteful, but very informative! The foreplay stuff comes about halfway through):

Got it? So there is nothing wrong with women if they want to be touched BEFORE intercourse!

Women Need Foreplay: How to help husbands understand that we need to be warmed up!2. Sex is More than Intercourse

The problem is that we tend to believe there’s sex, and then there’s the optional bits.

Let’s stop seeing those “bits” as optional! Sex is more than intercourse. It’s touching. It’s playing. It’s feeling wonderful! It’s being even more intimate.

Being “sexual” is doing anything that can cause someone else to get aroused–it isn’t just intercourse. Touching someone you’re dating below the clothing is dangerous and wrong, not just because it can get them aroused and you may go further, but because that’s sexual in and of itself. And we shouldn’t do sexual stuff until we’re married.

We all agree that touching each other is sexual BEFORE we’re married, so that means it’s sexual AFTER we’re married, too! It’s all part of the complete package. So why not enjoy it? It makes intercourse feel better for both of you anyway, because it helps drag out the whole thing and make it even more intimate.

3. Be More Active During Foreplay

Nevertheless, foreplay can be awfully tedious, and kind of off-putting, if we think of foreplay as something that HE does to ME. And I think that’s the problem with it: we’re passive, and we expect him to arouse us. But then you start to worry, “is he getting bored? Am I taking too long?” And it’s all just so stressful. I have a longer article on 6 foreplay ideas to overcome some of these issues, and another on how to make foreplay great!

But one of the ways around this is to stop being passive and actually be active! Make foreplay something that you do together, not something that he does to you.

If you want some specific help with this, here are two resources:

31 Days to Great Sex–a book with a series of challenges that build on each other that help you make sex feel great physically, spiritually, and emotionally. And there’s lots in there about foreplay, and how to have more fun and make sex better one every level.

Deck of DaresDeck of Dares–Dr. Jennifer Degler has written this awesome collection of 40 “Dares” that you and your husband can do together. Each one has a short explanation and challenge for you to do to add some heat to the bedroom. They’re really fun! But here’s what these things that “spice up your sex life” all have in common–they tend to help you drag out the foreplay, not really enhance the sex itself. By dragging out the foreplay, after all, you DO enhance the sex. But it’s all that fun and play at the beginning that can make it more fun. And Dr. Degler is a Christian, so I so appreciate this super-fun resource for couples!

4. What About Those Whose Husbands are Really Selfish?

Most of the time, the reason that men don’t always “get” foreplay is that they have such a different physiology it’s hard for them to understand what does arouse a woman. Once a man understands this, he usually is more giving in the foreplay department.

But I received an email recently that said this:

I have explained to my husband about how men and women are different. He does understand. But he says sex is all we’re required to do, and if sex doesn’t cut it for me, then I should just take care of things myself. If I ask him to help me get aroused, he tells me that’s my business and my responsibility. If I nag him into touching him, he sighs loudly and groans and is always checking the clock. I’ve explained to him that I need more, but he really just doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do. Am I required to keep having sex with him if I tells me that my pleasure is totally irrelevant to him? I’m so frustrated and so hurt.

Wow. That’s awful. And honestly, it’s not that uncommon for a man to leave his wife unsatisfied in bed.

Here’s my theory about why: Porn does not depict foreplay. In pornography, sex is always about intercourse or something else done to the guy. And the intercourse is usually very aggressive and often violent and degrading. So the thought of foreplay as being “sexy” has virtually been eliminated in pornography. Women now seem like sexual freaks if they want something other than intercourse, because all these other women on the screen don’t need it at all.

Even if your husband doesn’t view porn now, if he grew up with it, chances are that is still the image of sex that he has.

So let me be frank, and speak to these guys for a moment: Sex is supposed to be something that you experience together, not something where you use your wife for your own pleasure without giving anything back. She is not a sex toy; she is a person. To expect her to have sex with you while you make no effort whatsoever to make it feel good for her is completely selfish and rather disgusting.

[clickToTweet tweet=”To expect a wife to have sex with you with no concern for her pleasure is selfish and wrong.” quote=”To expect a wife to have sex with you with no concern for her pleasure is selfish and wrong.”]

Treat her well--don't just use her body. Make her feel great, too!

When Paul said, in 1 Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive each other“, he wasn’t saying “just have intercourse.”

He was saying, “don’t deprive each other of what will give sexual pleasure.” We know this because he also says that “it is better to marry than to burn with passion”–meaning that marriage should take care of our pent up sexual feelings. If you are not giving your wife any release, then you are sinning. You are leaving her frustrated and causing her to “burn”. You are being selfish, mean, and wrong.

And to the women, let me say: if your husband has refused to do anything that makes you feel good, if he is doing so deliberately and not out of ignorance of women’s bodies, then you need to continue to talk to him frankly about this, and maybe even insist that you see a counselor or talk to a mentor couple. I know it can be difficult to talk to other people about sex, but I think this is really serious, and shows a real lack of Christlike behaviour, and, I’m afraid, likely the residues of porn use which have to be dealt with.

Okay. That was difficult to have to say all that. So let me try to end on a high note.

Most of the time this problem is simply that you both don’t understand how each other works–and it hard to reach orgasm, after all. That’s easily fixable! Just think of this as a fun research project you’re going to do together–figuring out how to make her feel great, which makes sex so much more intense for both of you! So check out 31 Days to Great Sex or the Deck of Dares, or just watch that hilarious video and talk about it. Then go have fun–and, as Amanda Gore says, don’t touch those bits too fast!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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27 Comments

  1. happywife

    I love what you say about being a more active participant. I know some men are insensitive and selfish, but I choose to believe that most men are just uninformed or perhaps their wife’s lack of participation during foreplay communicates that she herself is not really enjoying or needing the foreplay.
    I know for myself, when I made a conscious choice to start being more of an active participant, our sex life improved greatly. I’m not sure why, but I used to feel funny about pursuing pleasure during foreplay. If he gave me pleasure, that was great, but to actively pursue that pleasure through my own actions was awkward for me. Now that my husband knows that I’m fully enjoying and eager throughout the whole activity, he is plenty happy to let foreplay go on for as long as we both choose to.
    I regularly plan “sexcapades” for us, and that is a great way to encourage lots of foreplay. We play strip card games, I bought a twister game, we have played a dice game where the 2 numbers dictate an action and a body part, or give him a full body massage that he is more than eager to reciprocate. These types of things show your husband that you find sex fun and exciting and that you want to make an evening of it… not just a quick 10 minute good night romp.

    Reply
    • james

      Thank you, not married this helps though.

      Reply
  2. Tracy

    I love that video! I laughed so hard my sides started to hurt. LOL

    I’m trying to learn to be a little more vocal and tell my husband what does and doesn’t work. I’m also trying to learn to be more of an active participant. We had kind of gotten into the habit of going into intercourse quickly because I wanted to get through it as quickly as possible. Now that my head is in a little bit of a healthier place I’m trying to fix that.

    Your blog, and a few others, have been a great help. Thanks!

    Reply
  3. Ngina Otiende

    Love love the video! it’s so funny and so on point

    # 3 is something i didn’t always understand and i think many wives, esp the ones in their early years of marriage, don’t always understand. Love what you’ve said, foreplay is not a one-sided activity. Husbands need our involvement. And we need it too..otherwise we tend to drift off!
    Great thoughts as always

    Reply
  4. Nunia Bizness (jk)

    It definitely needs to work BOTH WAYS.
    It’s not up to ONE person to do all the work; especially in foreplay.
    If a woman wants more foreplay then she needs to give it as well!
    My wife just lies there expecting me to do it all and make her happy.
    HAHAHA…. wow… how lazy it can be and how uninterested I become!

    Reply
  5. Michelle

    OH MY GOODNESS!!! LOL That clip was hilarious!!

    Reply
  6. Sherry Gareis

    LOVED the point that if you aren’t supposed to have foreplay when you are dating (duh!), and you don’t ‘get it’ when you are married, when DO you enjoy it. Clearly it’s a vital part of a healthy sexual relationship, so we all have to do our part to make it happen!

    Reply
  7. P

    My heart aches for the women who sent emails similar to the one you show.
    How can a husband be SO insensitive, he cannot really love his wife.
    My greatest joy in our intimate times is when my wife has an orgasm, then I can relax and enjoy my own

    Reply
  8. from VA

    LOVED that video. Laughed so hard I cried and I’m a single, naive, never-been-married gal in my late 30’s.

    As a virgin, I would love to marry another virgin, but in this day in time, with sexual exploration and promiscuity common among church-going singles, it seems highly unlikely. Add to that the influence of porn, and I just get terribly discouraged of finding a man sold out to God in EVERY area of his life. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but there should be fruit and progress. I’ve been on/off quite a few “christian” dating websites over the past few years and I’m pretty up front in my profile that I am a virgin and I’m looking for a man who is presently living an intentionally celibate life and who desires to be obedient to the Word of God in all areas of his life. I’m not expecting perfection and I understand people make mistakes. But it’s very disheartening that there are very few who admit to intentional celibacy. After years of not dating, I dated a guy for about 3 months and he initially seemed to be on the same page. He was even okay with not kissing until engagement. But at every turn, I felt like I was fighting off his hands on every other part of my body. It was exhausting. It’s not the reason we broke up, but looking back, I wondered if he was simply “BURNING” as Paul mentions or if he had struggled with porn in the past and therefore all that pent up sexual tension was being released on me. I don’t know. I’m pretty naive for a 39 year old. I thank God regularly that he’s spared me from a miserable marriage and/or a marriage ravaged by porn, but it’s hard to be optimistic that there are any good Christian single men out there who have resisted the lure of porn, especially when porn is such an issue for married men who have the REAL thing available. Sigh.

    Thanks for the great writing you do. I read your blog via RSS feeds, hoping that one day I’ll be able to put this godly wisdom to work. Blessings!

    Reply
    • Toni

      Just a shout out of encouragement to you – I had just about given up and decided that there weren’t any godly men left – it got to the point where I was considering marrying a non-Christian with a checkered past simply because I didn’t think it would make much of a difference. Then God took me through a long journey of faith and brokenness, and at the end of it… was the man I had always hoped and prayed for. We are both Christians, virgins, and free from the bonds of porn, and very, very happy. Don’t give up! They are still out there – it’s just sometimes you have to quit looking before God will bring you what you asked for. I will say a special prayer for you!

      Reply
  9. Dee

    A lot depends where you are in your sexual journey and in your life – I had a sexual *re*awakening in my early ’50s where I became really orgasmic – I didn’t need any foreplay!! I just wanted to get down to it!!! It was a very exciting time for both of us and we got a fabulous second honeymoon out of it which lasted about a year.

    During this time, my sex drive went very high and I needed high energy penetrative sex to bring relief, especially after I had reached a climax – it was good for us because we’d been married a long time so it was framed in a loving stable relationship with my husband. It probably wouldn’t have worked in the beginning of our marriage though: in fact our honeymoon night was a disappointment to me because he went straight in and I wanted to savour each other with stroking – we seemed so incompatible!! …..but ladies, some of you might find you change in the menopause: expect the unexpected!!!!

    ….things are a bit more normal now, but everyone is different and our ages tend to make a difference too – if you’re in your 30’s and tired from looking after small kids, then you might need more gentle arousing, but you may find as you mature you discover a new “you” sexually which you never knew existed, but it comes up deep from within.

    Reply
  10. Jerry Stumpf

    I like that Amanda’s able to give guys a number – 10 forms of foreplay – each day. We refer to this as non-sexual touching for a guy. Too often men do not understand that phrase as for us, all touching is sexual. I enjoy your information. Sorry it took so long to speak up.

    Reply
  11. Rachael

    I just have to say… *blush* … that my husband is ah-may-zing in this area of our sex life. I don’t really remember how it happened as we’ve been married, but I am very thankful that he gets this and loves to make sure that I’m satisfied too.

    Reply
  12. At a loss

    I am at a loss here. My wife does not like foreplay. After more than 15 years I finally understand it. She thinks passion is where I want her to the point of just skipping everything. I always wondered why foreplay was only me doing everything. Now I get it. What I do not understand is how to express that I don’t feel much connection or love physically from skipping straight to it. For me that is just mechanical. I have tried to express to her and she does not understand. I don’t want to just tell her that when she does not want to spend time doing this it makes me lose interest in her sexually. I have tried to explain other ways, like telling her I used to think she was not attracted to me because she would not participate in foreplay. She explained that has nothing to do with it and I can accept that from an intellectual standpoint but in my heart I always feel short changed. The problem is that she thinks she has explained it sufficiently enough that I can accept it and that I should no longer feel that way.

    I love my wife more than anyone or thing in the world. She is a great wife, and mom. She is smart and funny. I don’t want to seem like I am bashing her but I am hurt by this. If any women out there can tell me how to explain this to her in a way she will understand I am willing to listen.

    Reply
    • Enna

      I know its been a year since this post, but maybe I’ll say something helpful for anyone reading this. My advice is some good counseling from a professional. There might be some serious anxiety or self esteem issues here. Maybe even some fear of intimacy for any number of reasons. If you’ve expressed this as a need, and she still doesn’t want to participate, I would be willing to bet there are deeper issues going on. Maybe recommend therapy just for general maintenance and bring the foreplay issue up when the time is right.

      Reply
    • Josy

      Hopefully you have figured things out with your wife by now but in case not here is my two cents.
      I’ve been married for 7 years and I still find that there are areas where I can get more comfortable with my sexuality. I’m thinking that is the issue with your wife. Women are programmed by society not to be sexual otherwise you are ‘bad’ a ‘slut’ etc… These ideas are pounded in from childhood. But then there are other messages, like if you are not a tigeress in the sack then your man won’t be interested for long. I could go on and on about the conflicting messages women get but the bottom line is they are very conflicting and can be extremely difficult to sort out and figure out who you really want to be sexually. I think the best way for you to help her get through it is to understand that there are a lot of insecurities at work. A lot of women think they shouldn’t have these insecurities and so cover them up rather than work through them which only makes it worse and they get to the point where they don’t like sex at all. They only do it to please thier man which in turn makes it worse. Try just being more intimate in little ways. Caressing her etc… For no reason, just because, not as a precursor to sex. If she feels that every time you touch or talk to her sexually that that is the signal to intercourse then she will be uptight. A lot of times for me the biggest turn on is when my husband is affectionate but not trying to get me into bed necessarily, just showing his feelings for me. No expectations is very freeing. It allows me to be more forward, and take an active role.
      I used to get uptight when he would instigate sex. I felt pressured to be as ready as he was as fast as he was. he wasn’t being insensitive or anything. It was my own issue. I was pressuring myself. I was also afraid of hurting his feelings if I wasn’t as into it as fast as him which of course only made me more uptight. A vicious circle. When I finally accepted that men and women have different requirements to get turned on, that there was nothing wrong with me I had a few conversations with him about it so we would be on the same page. It made a huge difference. I feel comfortable saying no I’m not into it right now ( without hurting his feelings) and interestingly enough, feeling free that way also made me feel comfortable instigating sex as well. I think the main difference was just being able to talk about my insecurities with him plainly without holding anything back. If I am bothered by something I tell him. But it wasn’t easy to get to that place. It takes courage to lay out your most vulnerable spots to someone that might not understand. The thing that gave me the courage was realizing that if I didn’t do something it would only get worse and could eventually cost us our marriage. I wasnt willing to settle for less in other words. Many women just give up truly enjoying sex. Which makes it nearly impossible for the man to fix. She has to take responsibility for her own sexuality but you can help her just by showing her ( through touch not gifts) how much you love her and are there for her.

      Reply
      • Chris

        Ester Perel is a family therapist and author. She says the game changes when women ask themselves “I turn myself on when I…” fill in the blank. To take yourself out of the picture and say “YOU turn me on when…” or “YOU turn me off when…” takes her out of the equation all together which is eliminating half of what could fix it. Your right, it’s cultural and who to blame isn’t as important as how to fix it. It could be helpful for women to “own the wanting”. And because of the damaged cultural climate, men should learn how to help.

        Reply
  13. jodi whittaker

    I’ve been married for 1 1/2 yrs. my husband wouldn’t know foreplay if it bit him. It is straight to sex and if I have an orgasm is not important as long as he does. He isn’t really into sex but he wants it it’s ok, but not vise versa. I have come to dislike sex with him. He has had many many girlfriends but no marriage until 51. Not sure what to do.

    Reply
  14. Chelsea

    Unfortunately I have a young husband, not yet 40 who has trouble getting and keeping an erection. Most of the time we skip straight to the deed because he fears losing the erection. We have sex once or twice a month because he just doesn’t have the desire. He does try, but his body refuses to cooperate. We have seen doctors. He was on testosterone injections but his sperm count dropped so low they stopped it. We have been struggling with infertility for 3 years, had two miscarriages and both feel successful pregnancy may never happen. Lots of baggage in the bedroom huh? How do you help a man with low self esteem issues because of his bits not working? He chooses to ignore it mostly and I dont know how to help him, I dont want to embarass him further, so I say nothing. We sleep in the same bed but feel more like roommates. Not sure how to help us.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, Chelsea, that’s so difficult! Especially with the infertility issues! One thing that I have found often works resolves tension is just to schedule sex. I know it sounds counter intuitive, but if you know you’ll be making love every Saturday, for instance, then you have time to work yourself up for Saturday, but on the other 6 days, he doesn’t have to feel tense. Sometimes if we’re worried the spouse will expect something, we start avoiding conversation or avoiding the spouse all together so as not to get their hopes up. But if we schedule it and the pressure is off, then the friendship can reemerge and you can start to have some of these conversations again. I hope that helps!

      Reply
  15. Anonymous

    My hubs loves me very much – there really isn’t room for doubt about that – but he really doesn’t care about any of this. His idea of foreplay is a couple of kisses and a “wanna go upstairs?” That’s it.

    Talking has made no difference.

    He just doesn’t care. He did say he wouldn’t be offended if I took care of myself once he’s finished with me. What a sweetie!

    Reply
  16. Lovemywife

    I would like you to have a mention about the female orgasm. By this I mean something for the men to try to have a better understanding of the female in their life to help the women have more and shorter orgasms that can lead to many orgasms for the woman in a single night. I made up my mind to study my wife’s desires and needs by listening to her and observing what got her excited and led to her orgasming multiple times and in the process I learned a lot about her. She is my wife after all and the woman God blessed me with, so it’s a willingness on my part to pleasure her and give her the most intense pleasure and intimacy that is humanly possible. My wife’s body is a blank canvas and each time we have intimacy together how I pleasure her and bring her to orgasm in many different ways paints a picture of my love and devotion to her. I am not bragging, just want to state that most women can be multiorgasmic and my wife has enjoyed sometimes as many as 30 earth shattering orgasms in a single night, and then the same thing the next night. When I pick a night to pleasure her, it’s just for her, and I put no pressure on her to have to bring me off, and that helps her to fully relax and let herself go. My wife’s pleasure is my sport. Making love to her is intoxicating and deeply fulfilling for both of us. Thank you for letting me share.

    Reply
    • Trish

      You are indeed a very rare male. Not only by the fact you chose to respond to the issue of women needing foreplay but that you a more than ecstatic to pleasure your wife without expecting equal or even more in return for doing so. My experience of 40 years of marriage has been nothing of this sort. I pray that things could change in our relaxed society but women seem to be degrading them selves and blaming men for taking advantage of the wrong messages being given out so freely.

      Reply
  17. Ads

    I don’t know if it is because she is afraid our daughter will wake up but my wife doesn’t care much about foreplay and honestl I do. She is often like: “just put it in there”. We sometimes do oral sex as foreplay but often she just want me to enter. I would love more foreplay, touching, kissing and so on. She doesn’t like to kiss so much if we’re not having intercourse. I am trying to figure out why. Also after sex she isn’t so much for cuddling. I would like it more but I don’t know if it’s because she gets stressed that our daughter will wake up or because she’s tired. She usually has an orgasm when we have sex so I don’t know if she feels she doesn’t need it so much. I’m not saying she never wants to do foreplay but I feel she doesn’t want it so much. Maybe it’s because she usually is in control . She decides if or when we have sex and she decides what position and so on. I never demand anything or tell her to. So because we do it when she wants it’s easier to just start. I don’t know. I wish we could have more of it. I like it.

    Reply
  18. Christopher Idleman

    Forgive me, but I am throwing an idea out from the hip. I’m not sure of the forum, the site, or the history of the discussion.
    As a young man i have listened to what Christian based thinkers have talked about on this subject. I believe the lack of understanding on mens part that is being addressed is an important one. It’s necessary and I am very thankful groups of people are considering these types of discussions thoughtfully and mindfully. I have no agenda but I am asking one question.

    The ancient art of Tantra has been around for centuries and it is a very good pathway to combining the spiritual and the sexual. I feel that because people might be threatened by the idea that two beliefs can coexist that one has to threaten the other. A useful tool in this case could be a compartmentalization of the physical aspect to the practice from the spiritual.

    I don’t want to automatically assume a Christian would be threatened by Tantra, but I do know that there could be opposition. I personally believe compartmentalization is possible and if time is the issue there is no other practice out there that will effectively slow your partner down like Tantra has the ability to do. This is my opinion and I am sharing it as such.

    Reply
  19. Ronald M

    Ok. So I’ve caused some problems in my marriage. But after confession to my wife and some programs Ive been free of porn and Mr M. For 686 days now.
    Anyway my wife had been complaining about how she can’t get the very old upstairs toilet clean . So today I cleaned out all of water and poured in some vinegar. Eveytime I would go past I would swish it around. Then this evening after supper I started scrubbing with sand on a damp sponge. The brown stuff came off almost immediately. The almost black hard stuff in the bottom I had to use a screwdriver, but it did chip off. Wow ! Looks like a new toilet. Best it’s looked in 35 years.
    When, I showed my wife she was shocked, for a few seconds. Then she started complaining about the shelf that holds up the tank (it’s an old water closet type tiolet). And the little block of wood behind the pipe which prevents it from leaking. (Yes, I’ve got some more work to do) Then she went to her bedroom. Later, she said it looked very nice.
    Honestly ladies, don’t you think that sometimes a Thankyou that’s not just words would be nice? IDK

    Reply

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