Reader Question of the Week: Sex is So BORING!

by | Jun 8, 2013 | Libido, Making Sex Feel Good, Sex | 60 comments

What do you do when sex gets boring?Reader Question: Why is sex so boring?

Every weekend I try to answer a Reader Question. Here’s a woman writing that sex is boring, her marriage is boring, and she wonders how to get the excitement back:

We have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old. We hardly ever have sex because I am normally not in the mood to do anything and I just think it will take too long so I don’t even worry about it. I am not very physical towards him and he tends to be a little too much towards me (kissing neck while I am cooking or grabbing a feel somewhere which doesn’t do anything for me but make me feel like a piece of meat). When our child goes down for bed at night, he goes to his man cave to watch tv and I go to the living room to watch tv until we go to bed late at night. We don’t watch the same shows so staying in the same room doesn’t seem to fit. I feel like we are not what a normal newlywed couple should be and feel like there has got to be more to this life and marriage then what we are doing right now. When we do end up having sex, it is the same thing over and over again so it doesn’t seem to be an exciting thing to do on a daily basis. Can you help me out?

I hope I can! That’s exactly what this blog is for. So if you think your marriage is boring, or sex is boring, you’ve come to the right place.

I’m going to answer this one in a series of links, because I’ve also already written a ton about this, so here goes:

Married Sex Should Not Be Boring Sex! If sex is boring in your marriage, the problem is not with sex. The problem is that you're not prioritizing it as a couple. Here's how to bring the spark back!

1. Don’t Let Life Happen To You. Live It!

This may seem like it doesn’t have much to do with sex, but hear me out.

Too many people feel really passive when it comes to their lives. We complain, “We’re busy. We don’t do things together. There’s no romance.”

That may all be true.

But you see, those are all also choices that you have made. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but: If you want something in your marriage–excitement, a great relationship, that feeling of being utterly and completely in love–you have to make it happen.

Movies make it seem as if a great relationship is supposed to be effortless. It just HAPPENS. And so when it doesn’t happen for you, you think, the problem must just be with my marriage or with this guy I married.

But that’s not true. I think this graphic sums it up well:

A Good Marriage is Like Synchronized Swimming

So if you want a good marriage, work at it! If you don’t, of course marriage will be boring–and sex will be boring, too.

And so I’m going to say some harsh things.

As a couple, you have decided to spend evenings apart. As a wife, you have decided not to prioritize sex. And as a couple, you have decided not to work on how to make sex better for you.

Now, in each of those cases you made what was the easier decision to make. It’s easier to just let life happen. But if you want a great marriage–and it sounds like you really do,  you’re just stuck–you need to go out there and MAKE it happen! So let’s look at just a few things that can help sex not feel boring anymore!

2. Do Stuff Together

Seriously. Don’t spend your life in front of a screen.

I know you have a 2-year-old, so it’s harder. But here are some links that can help.

2 Player Games to Play as a Couple
Pick even just one night a week where you decide not to go on screens, but you decide to play together. Choose a game (and read the comments on that post; great suggestions there, too!). Seriously. Buy a game this weekend. And start playing!

Go for Walks Together
Toddlers are often easier to manage in a stroller. So make a point of going for a walk together after dinner every night. Even if it’s just for twenty minutes, and even if you scatter to different rooms to watch TV afterwards, at least you’ve taken some time to talk.

Just DO Something.
It’s so important! And work on your friendship, because the more you build your friendship, the easier everything else is.

3. Make Love Regularly

You BOTH need this. It isn’t just for him. You need it, too. You need to feel close to him. You need to feel like you have a partner in raising your child. You need to feel as if he won’t leave you and will always love you. Sex does all of that. Plus it helps you sleep better!

But that means that you need to prioritize it. Work throughout the day to get your head in the game. Flirt more!

I totally get you not liking it when he touches you sexually while you’re doing dishes or something. That’s not what you were thinking, and to many women it’s just plain annoying. But it would be less annoying if you were flirting with him at other times. And the reason he’s doing that is to get reassurance that you are interested in him, because it sounds like he’s really struggling.

31DaysCover 120It also sounds like you really to work through 31 Days to Great Sex! Honestly, I wrote it just for couples like you. In fact, many of the posts I’ve linked to are incorporated into the challenges. He sounds like he is slowly separating himself from you because he isn’t sure that you really want him anymore. And you are separating yourself from him because sex seems like too much of a chore.

You don’t want to live like that! You don’t want to settle for that. But it’s going to take talking about it, developing new habits, and prioritizing it. And here’s an easy way to work through that with your husband. It’s not like it’s 31 days of sex tricks; it’s helping you talk; telling him what you want; developing your friendship; working on feeling intimate; and having fun in bed. They’re all interconnected. See the book here!

4. Make Sex Feel Wonderful

Finally, it sounds like one of the reasons you’re struggling is because sex just isn’t that exciting. 31 Days to Great Sex will definitely help you with that!

I want to help us not just make love, but also have tremendous fireworks at the same time. It’s going to be a ton of fun.

If you want your marriage to be great, you need to work at it. If you want to create a certain life for yourself, you need to chase it down, not just wait for it to show up. And your marriage is worth chasing after! So get the 31 Days to Great Sex. Have fun together. Laugh together! And make sex great.

Yes, it takes effort. Yes, you’re tired. Yes, he may not be too enthusiastic (he may, for instance, think that you’re criticizing him).

But push through. If you want this, go out and get it. Jesus didn’t say, “sit back and let life happen”. He wanted to give us an ABUNDANT life. And that means seeking after God, and the things that we know that God wants us to have–in abundance.

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire


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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. ButterflyWings

    I don’t understand what the problem is with doing sex the same way? If something works, surely it makes sense to do it that way again? Hubby and I only do it a few certain ways and we both love it. We’ve tried experimenting but it’s not that exciting. Tried and true always works well

    • Elizabeth@Warrior Wives

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing the same thing over again as long as you’re both happy with that. There’s a certain amount of comfort in being able to predict satisfaction. But if it’s gotten too routine or boring for one person, then it’s probably time to think outside the box a tad.

      • Holly

        I agree Elizabeth and I know where she’s coming from, love my hubby and we’ve been married 24 years but sometimes he is awfully predictable in the “buttons” he pushes to get me going ….

        • hermosaluma

          If hes too predictable maybe he need some help, you should be spontaneous every now and then for example be in bed ready in something cute or sexy ..maybe something revealing and have a fun game waiting like for example piping balloons with both your body’s and have a sexy note inside and who ever pops it. The other does like licking places l, touching places, do a dance move remove something. Trust me it’ll bond you both even closer and its not too extreme?

    • Mooks

      Tried and true, sounds very exciting.

  2. Nancie Oberhaus

    Thank you for your advice to this young marriage. My husband and I are in the process of “31 Days to Great Sex”. The only difference is that we are in our 60s and have been married 35 years. We learned that old habits and old beliefs and old patterns of behavior can really sabotage efforts at a good marriage and good sex. If they take your advice now and just try,they will find as we did, delightful newness can really happen! Plus they won’t have to carry around the baggage that we did through our marriage till we took charge and our eyes were opened to more possibilities. We did not believe change was possible – but it is, believe me. There is hope! My advice to them, lighten up, just try it, and you’ll find yourselves treasured and cherished and having fun in a whole new way!

    • Sheila

      Thanks so much for that encouraging comment! I’m so glad you’re enjoying 31 Days to Great Sex, and you’re totally right–if couples get this right IN THE BEGINNING, life is so much easier! We didn’t get it right when we were first married, either. It took us almost a decade. But that’s why I’m passionate about helping younger couples, too!

      • Jeffery

        My wife and i have been married for 25 years. She often says i act like the wife (not sure how i feel about that)because im more interested in the connection and love making than just sex. She doesnt like talking about intimacy and if i bring it up it ends up in a fight or she just ignores it. I love very much and always will, how do i get her to open up?

  3. Iva @ This Side of Perfect

    Great article. It sounds like this couple is on two different planets – Venus and Mars, anyone? It sounds like the husband is very much trying to flirt with his young bride (I think men see something they like – namely, their wive’s body – and they reach for it (literally!). It might not be something that wives like, but as far as guys go, it’s top-notch compliments).

    I completely agree with your advice (of course). When you talk about romance and how it doesn’t *just* happen, I wonder – is the wife reading romances or watching them on TV? I found that when I was reading a lot of them, or watching a lot of them on TV, I found myself becoming completely dissatisfied in my own marriage. “Why doesn’t my husband just sweep me off my feet like that or say those poetic lines?” It didn’t take very long before God convicted me. Those stories, while not inherently “bad”, were bad for me. I had to take them out of my life. When the Team Edward and Team Jacob craze hit the movie theaters, women (of all ages) were flocking to the movie theaters to get a glimpse at young actors bare-chested. I didn’t step foot inside that theater. Not because I was better than anyone else, but because that type of “eye candy” is just not good for my marriage.

    What I found, is that when I focused on *us*, I became much more content in my marriage. Much like, as a woman, you can’t compare yourself to other women, you can’t compare your marriage to romantic ideals derived from an author’s or a director’s mind.

    • ButterflyWings

      I think we have to be careful of stereotypes. Some women DO like to be touched and DO like to touch their husbands. And some like my husband wouldn’t considering touching their wives and absolutely HATE being touched. If I kiss his neck or touch him while he’s doing something, he’ll pull away and glare at me at best, and lately he’s taken to snapping at me if I forget he hates it and touch or kiss him when he’s busy.

      I must admit I never understood the Twilight craze. Team Edward and Team Jacob? Why either? I find them to be both ugly looking and ugly characters (and Bella even worse!). I know many of my friends were swooning over Edward and Jacob and claiming the movies were so romantic, but I just found them anti-romantic, the characters being shallow and the exact opposite of genuine love.

      It’s not because I feel better than anyone else either… I just wouldn’t pay money to see such pathetic attempts at “romance”. While I’m not a Buffy fan either (for a whole bunch of other reasons), my thoughts are vampires are something you stake not date 😉

      But yeah…. I truly cannot understand why being touched makes a woman feel like a piece of meat. I would give anything for it.

        • ButterflyWings

          It’s hard at times, because I think so many women are raised to believe that men like physical touch and sex and when you marry a man who doesn’t, it’s really hard to find how to make him really happy.

          • Chantel


            I agree with you that all men or woman don’t like the same things. I have one concern in reading your post though – that your husband glares &/or snaps at you for showing physical affection. I realize it’s likely because he’s busy/in the middle of something, but that response does not sound healthy to me no matter what he’s doing (unless you’re in the middle of a fight). I would encourage you to address that with him. It sounds like it’s hurtful to you and that it is something you would enjoy giving and receiving. I am concerned you are pushing aside some hurt and that he may be hiding something or just not dealing with something he needs to (stress, hurt from his past, assuming something of you, etc). If that continues, you will likely resent him at some point – and that to me would be very sad for both of you. All the best to you both.

          • ButterflyWings

            Chantel it did hurt at first, but he does have aspergers and he doesn’t like anyone touching him for any reason. Because of it, he also doesn’t like being “surprised” either. If I get his attention first, he isn’t bothered by it. It’s just sometimes hard to get his attention when he’s absorbed in something and I often have to touch him to get his attention because he doesn’t hear me.

            I plan to bring it up with our counsellor this week but not sure how much difference it will make as most people with aspergers will never like being touched.

      • kim

        I think whats really going on (when hubby kisses neck while wife cooking, etc) is the wife is just complaining she is being touched at the wrong time and wishes he would do that instead when they climb into bed at night. At least thats what Ive felt when annoyed at the timing not the deed

    • sumanth


      When do you say men see what they like i.e,wives body. This is annoying. Many woman say this.

      Dont you look at a super hot man. Answet from your heart.

      Are all women trying to convince that its only men who gets attracted to woman body and woman are not attracted to men body.

      How is it possible the attraction between sexes dont exist.

      If this is true what is the point of being a man and what is the benefit of being of man if woman are not attracted.

      oh my god. I want to ask god really whether he created women with attraction towards men.

      pls dont say personality matters more than looks for woman. This idea killed me. I too accept personality matters for both men and women.But what about physical beauty of men.So being a handsome men is useless. because woman are not visual like man according to you. is it? And many women feel proud of this because they are brainwashing men to beleive that woman are not attracted to men like men are attracted to woman and feeling superior to men

      what do you say? I want justification.

      • Sheila

        Hi there,

        I don’t think it’s that woman DON’T find men attractive; it’s just that we really are made to respond to sex differently. Of course there’s attraction between the sexes! But, in general, men are much more visual creatures than women are. This isn’t to say that a woman won’t notice a good looking man; only that men tend to think and notice a lot more. Just as both men and women like affection or like to connect and talk, it’s more important to women, in general.

        The sexes just aren’t the same. That doesn’t mean that we aren’t attracted to one another, but if you look at studies of how men and women respond to visual stimuli or what men and women need in relationship, it really is quite different. It’s not a matter of one being better than the other; it’s just that we’re made differently so that, together, we learn how to reach out and serve someone else.

  4. Rachael

    It strikes me that there is some issue of perspective here, especially as she considers his touching her. Yeah, it doesn’t seem normal to us women to just randomly kiss or touch, but for Hubbies, I think its much more. I have to remind myself that he wants to touch me because he loves me, thinks I’m hot, wants me to know that he is thinking of me and loving me in that moment. It helps to remember that for my Hubby, one major love language is physical touch for him. Its speaks volumes to him when I touch him (even just on the shoulder, or a head rub or a hug), but he has to remind himself what I’m trying to say when I am so caught up in cleaning up, getting dinner ready, and trying to make our home comfortable. We speak different languages when it comes to love, and we are still learning to speak the other’s language.

    • ButterflyWings

      I guess I get frustrated at times… it’s not a male vs female thing. Physical touch is a more common love language for men, but some men hate it and while less common for women, some women love it.

      I think a lot of troubles in marriages is because of assumptions about what the our spouses like/don’t like, and projecting what we like/don’t like onto our spouses. I have to constantly remind myself that my husband hates being touched, especially if he’s doing something (particularly playing on his computer – he gets super cross if I touch him in the middle of a game).

      So yeah, I think it’s important to remember our spouses think differently from us, but being male or female doesn’t necessarily determine what one likes and doesn’t like

      • Iva @ This Side of Perfect

        I’m glad Rachel brought up love languages (and you expanded on the notion). I think – no, I *know* – that most of our difficulties in our relationships (with our spouses, friends, etc) is due to a breakdown of communication. If your husband’s love language is touch, and yours is service and both of you respond in the love language *you* like (we all do it), there is going to be dissention. A husband can spend all of his time touching his wife, because that’s what he wants, when all she wants is to have a little help around the house. Didn’t she just cook a fabulous meal for him, after all?

        Excellent points, ladies!

  5. A husband and wife that's been there

    Trying to be nice here….any man that’s gettng icy glares from kissing or touching you is not going to feel comfortable trying anything “new” in bed. If you aren’t comfortable with him even touching you how the heck is he going to get up the courage to “curl your toes”…..Not trying to be critical here but everything said here screams I don’t want you around me to a man…hence the man cave at night.

    If it didn’t start like this is time to get checked for post partum and even get your hormone levels checked…childbirth can wreak havoc for years on a woman’s body. But yes, it’s time to actively be chasing him because if the signals your sending him are close to the letter/question he’s in desperation mode. Also, make sure you are getting enough rest. Good luck and God bless.

    • 3yearsandcounting

      I am married 3 years with a two year old as well. And I was dealing with clinical depression. It was very hard on our relationship and we did similar things as this couple in the article (he watches he shows, I watch mine, separate evenings together, no dates, same old sex routine). Well, we both woke up and realized this is NOT what we wanted. I got help with my depression and it was NOT easy. This is over 6 months later and we are still working at it. However, this advice is actually what we did. We started watch shows together for date nights (money is tight) and go for walks with the little one in the stroller. Being active helped my depression and helped our relationship. Be warned though, I did do antidepressants that those were very hard on our sex life. I finally decided no more but some people find they work.

      So yeah, check and get help with depression but also change your routine, eat right, exercise, meditate, pray, etc.

  6. Natalie

    Since this hasn’t been mentioned – one thing I’ve been learning is that a man with a plan is actually pretty sexy. I’m guessing that as a mom (first one is on the way, so no boots on the ground experience here) this wife often finds herself making a whole lot of decisions and generally directing the show, and it’s probably easy to see her husband as interrupting her or messing up her plans. Heck, just as a wife I can get into that mode, and it’s pretty exhausting. It’s also not sexy 🙁 So I’m wondering if maybe asking her husband for a little more leadership would help keep things rolling along. So maybe he plans a date night or tells her he’s bringing home take-out or takes charge or some aspect of their lives (budgeting, vacation planning, bath time, house projects, etc.) Basically he does something that tells her “I’m the man of the house, and I take care of my family.” Based on what I’ve been reading and my limited personal experience that’s pretty sexy.

    • Iva @ This Side of Perfect

      Again, this is generalizing, but I tend to agree with you on this. I find it completely sexy when my man takes charge of something. (Of course, there are times when I get aggravated that he’s so “manly”, but I guess what they say is true: what you find sexiest about your partner can also drive you the most nuts 😉 )

  7. Angie

    My Dad always taught me that things worth doing usually require a lot of hard work. Marriage is no exception. Sure, it’s easy to go your separate ways of an evening instead of working to find something you both enjoy doing, but wouldn’t your marriage relationship be so much more fulfilling if you exerted the effort? I think a couple’s sex life can be an indicator of how other areas of the relationship are faring, and when there is no desire for sex it usually points to a deeper issue… like a lack of friendship and closeness. I pray that this couple will decide to really work to make their marriage into the beautiful thing God created it to be.

  8. Alecia

    I love what Rachael brought up with the love languages. He’s probably expressing love in a way that speaks to him…she needs to touch him more! Not because she likes it but because he NEEDS it.

    I was also surprised that you didn’t take the “watching TV in different rooms” a little further. It’s ok to have different preferences but one key to being happily married is learning to compromise. Sometimes it’s a good thing to do what your spouse likes for the sole purpose of spending time with them. Clint and I learned this the hard way. Now we go to bed together and watch a little ESPN. Do I like it? Not often. But I like him. So I watch it in order to spend time together.

    • Pam

      This is so true! Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little in the TV department to just spend time together while watching TV. My husband and I also do the same for movies — I tend to like the “chick flicks” where as my husband likes the action movies. He and I have both learned to take turns choosing the movie so that we both eventually get to see the movies we want to see and we’re together while doing it.

    • Rachael

      We aim to do things in the same room. Currently, Hubby’s computer is in the living room, and after Little Man goes to bed, I aim to move myself into there to do whatever I’m doing. He might play a video game, while I watch TV and putter on the lappy or sew something, but at least we are in the same room. Sometimes, we watch a godzilla movie (his current kick). Not my favorite, by a long shot, but he likes it, so I go with it.

      • Iva @ This Side of Perfect

        Yes, absolutely stay in the same room. Even if you’re doing different things. There is something to be said for proximity.

      • ButterflyWings

        That’s what hubby and I do. We have our study where our things like our computer (and watch tv through the computer) are all set up.

        He likes to be “alone” and I like adult company. By being in the same room, doing our own things, he feels sufficiently alone ie he doesn’t have the constant stimulation of having to make conversation etc (which is what he really wants – he doesn’t mind company as long as he doesn’t have to talk) and I feel sufficiently like I have company because even though we’re not talking, I know he’s there and we could talk any time I did want to.

        It’s the perfect compromise for us and we both feel like our needs (his for peace and relaxation and mine for adult company) are being met.

  9. Pam

    Sheila, I think you gave some great advice!

    I often like to think that marriage takes effort — from both spouses. Also, after reading Sheila’s blog (and other marriage blogs) I have learned that you can only change yourself — not your spouse. So, if a person wants to make their marriage more exciting and fulfilling, they need to be the ones to put forth the effort first. Chances are that, after the person’s spouse sees the changes, they may change as well.

    Here’s my advice:
    Definitely plan to spend some time together after putting your child to bed, even if it just starts by watching the same TV show in the same room (you or he may not always like the show, but you’re spending time together and taking an interest in what the other person is doing). Also, like Sheila said, find fun things (play games, go for bike rides, go on hikes, etc) to do together. I have found that when my husband and I do fun activities together, I’m more in the mood for sex than when we just sit and watch TV at night. Also, try to have “date nights” once in a while. Again, maybe you have to plan them yourself — some guys just aren’t into planning dates, and that’s okay. Have someone watch your child and go out and do something fun. Try to find various events that are going on in your area for things to go to and do.

    I truly hope that you find happiness in your marriage.

    • Holly

      Thumb’s up!! …Dating Diva’s has some fun ideas on their websites for dates ranging from free to $$$ …. and maybe try to swap babysitting with another couple?

  10. Holly

    I would definitely talk to hubby about your concerns and check out Sheila’s books, Kevin Lehman’s “Sheet Music”, maybe rent a hotel room for a night or two just to be somewhere different … and PRAY, when he’s in the mood and you’re not ask God to give you a desire for your husband, go to the bathroom and freshen up – slip on something that makes you feel sexy or will be surprising to him, some perfume, put your hair up … it sounds crazy but I can tell you it works! 😉 Also ask God to be present and pleased with your lovemaking. Again, definitely talk to hubby and tell him how you’re feeling …

    • Holly

      and try to compromise on the tv shows at least a few times — find something you both like or designate nights that it’s your night to watch with him, and vice versa …

      Have your hormones checked too, and see what things you can streamline during the day or ask him for help with so you do feel like it … quickies are ok too, doesn’t have to be long and drawn out every time. In fact a quickie while the two year old is watching a video or napping can rev things up! 😉

      and know that there is a season to everything including marriage — and when you’ve got wee ones it takes some more creativity, there is nothing necessarily WRONG with your marriage because you aren’t tearing each others clothes off every night! Being tired is ok as long as you talk about it and if you have to SCHEDULE sex at least once a week (some Jewish traditions, I’ve been told, were that it was the man’s “job” if you will to pleasure his wife as part of the Sabbath which is basically scheduling for every Friday night! LOL) — the more you have the more you’ll want to! 😉

  11. Carol

    This could be me (a lot of years ago). I am so thankful that God helped me (through this and other marriage blogs) to see my erroneous thinking and get me on the right track. I used to be annoyed with my husband, too. but then after implementing many of Sheila’s suggestions, I changed my mind towards him, with the result that it usually is welcome, and/or he doesn’t need to chase me so hard (’cause he is getting what he needs).

  12. P

    Sex boring? How can that be? I think that the sexual relationship between husband and wife is God’s most amazing gift to Christian couples. It is the most thrilling experience imaginable.
    Every time we do it in the same position and the foreplay is similar but each time it is a most wonderful time together. We are both seniors but when my wife has her orgasm I feel 10 feet tall.

  13. AJ Collins

    Sheila, I really appreciate your advice.
    I also agree with the couple of commenters who pointed out that some women like to be touched. I am one of those women and my husband tends to get withdrawn and grumpy and {in the past} has pulled away from me and acted impatiently when I try to have a lingering kiss, or grab him while he walks by me, or try to embrace him when he’s “busy”.
    This resulted in a damaged marriage. 14 years into my marriage I nearly had an affair, because I was lonely and felt so disconnected from my hubby. When my husband found out, it changed the dynamic in our marriage. God has been healing our marriage, and we are both finding that it’s important to prioritize spending time together every night, to talk together and spend time really listening.
    {Grins} I also am a big fan of trying new things in the bedroom. If you are content with the same every night, and your husband is too, then FABULOUS… if not, then try new positions, have a date night and go buy a book on sexual positions together (stores like Barnes n Nobles and Borders carry a fairly large selection), and then go home and try something new. Even buying the book, maybe perusing it a little in the store together can really “prime the pump” 😉

  14. Lela

    I wish my hubby would kiss me while I was cooking or doing dishes! We have been married almost 4 years and have a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a 9 month old, plus an 8 year old from a previous marriage. I’m always the one that has to take the initiative. It doesn’t matter what I do,nothing works. And believe me I’ve tried everything! He even putsthe two toddler’s in the bed with us after I asked (begged!) him not to. I’m desperate.

  15. Man34221

    Well it’s gets harder as the years go by. The OP was complaining after just three years of marriage. I love my wife very, very much and we have been together now for 16 years. The problem is I am no longer attractive to her. Sex occurs once a month, and I just want it to end before it even starts. She’s not the same woman I married both physically and emotionally. She’s gained about 100 pounds, and can have wide mood swings. Complacency and irritability would be a great way to describe it.

    However there are all those moments when she’ll give me that “look”, and I realize how much I still love her. I think the $64,000 question (for me) is, how much of a desire should a person have to want to stay attractive to their mate? Should it be paramount, or should it be you love them unconditionally no matter what!

    I’m no Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I don’t have the patience of Job. I am far from perfect. However I am pretty much the same person as 16 years ago. My wife is not. I told her very, very kindly about three years ago, “Honey, I miss the girl I used to know”. It fell on deaf ears……

  16. Stacie

    ok my situation is completely different. I want sex.. he doesnt. Maybe once a week on a weekend do I get lucky. He also is not affectionate at all. I cant talk to him about it because he gets angry. (there is no edd issues) So whatever I do and need to improve I have to do it without directly involving him…. What do you suggest? I plan to get the 2 books mentioned above.

    • Sheila

      Hi Stacie! I actually have a 4-part series on what to do when you want sex more than he does. I hope that helps! And I hope you like the books. 🙂

      • sumanth

        again in the link it is mentioned men are more visual.

        how disgusting idea this is. Didnt god created men attractive to women?

        this idea makes me feel inferior to women because we are attracted visually to them while they are not. I feel men are not on demand

        • Sheila

          Just because men are MORE visual doesn’t mean that women aren’t visual at all. And it’s not a matter of being inferior or superior; it’s just a matter of being different. That’s what makes romance exciting!

        • Anne

          Hi Sumath, I am female and I have also often felt really frustrated so often hearing how men are more visual than women, how women are not so visual etc etc. Because I am really turned on visually by men, by what I see, and I have to look away, or control what I look at / think about etc, for example if I see a great looking man bare chested, either in a photo or an ad or in real life. Also, not just bare chested, but just good looking guys in general life, ie dressed and wearing clothes. I am just being frank with you.

          My understanding is that while many women it seems are said to be not so visually turned on, there are other women, such as myself! who are. I really can’t stand it when it is so often put that women are not visually turned on, because I am! I understand tho that it is a generalisation I hear that most women are not as visually stimulated as men are.

          I will tell you that I have known and dated very, very good looking men who were also attracted to me. I am talking about for example, one man I was out with one night and I introduced him to an art teacher I knew and she asked him to model for her.
          Or, while at uni (what you call college), the best looking man there. Or a very buff, well built man.
          I will also tell you that while I have been physically attracted to, dated or had these different men pursue me, the wonderful man I chose to marry and live my life with was not the one with the biggest muscles or who looks like a model, but the one who won my heart, the one who loves me the most. I am still turned on by the physical of what I see, and always notice and appreciate when he works on his biceps or for example, his body after he’s been naturally ‘working out’ in the yard.
          And just to put it into perspective, I look okay when I put in the effort, sometimes just average, sometimes men find me very attractive looking.
          So really, what I want in a man the most is both someone who loves me, plus I really still appreciate and am drawn to, turned on by physical appearance, good clothes, good haircut, good body etc. I hope that might help you. Women appreciate both, I believe. A man who has made the effort to look good, and who also has learned to love. I also respect and highly esteem my husband’s good character and strength of character in many ways. This also draws me to him. He has shown me and proven, for example, his self control, his loving me faithfully through very tough times, plus lots more. He is the one I picked and would pick again! He is the best to me.

          I hope this might help you, another perspective from another woman.

          PS our marriage has not been easy, but we are both committed to each other, and to God, and we are both glad to still be married to each other.

          God bless and help you with what you need. God loves you and hears all our sincere hearts asking Him!

          • Anne

            And PS Sumath, I am not just turned on by the best looking guys, but visually in general, to average looking guys too. But I am turned on visually.

  17. Solelly

    Well, it is boring. We have different goals. Husband wants to sit on a couch and talk to his teenage girl cousins and give them guidance. I am 48 old wife so surlely will not provide too much excitement. BTW, I am the main breadwinner (almost twice his income!), cook and housekeeper in the family. Besides, I am slender and curvy with bmi of 22 and with very white and straight teeth and good looking. Mentioning this to let you know that if a man does not want you then he never will. I realized that and I am moving on. I am so hoping his teenage cousins can cook and clean for him, lol!! And of curse they posses wordly knowledge of current politics, science and history. LOL!

  18. Jonathan

    The reason she is not receptive to him physically approaching her during the day is that he does not practice the art of ‘keeping the pot boiling’ by stoking her imagination with anticipation.

    He possibly views sex as a binary state, 1 being PIV, 0 being all other times. To her, it’s mostly mental and there are a thousand shades of gray. He does not understand that everything between him and her is, or can be, sexual.

    Watch ‘It’s Business Time’. A terrible tragedy, to be sure, but an excellent commentary on this problem. A tired woman not led toward sexual anticipation during the day will not turn into a passion flower in no time flat.

  19. Don

    To all you men who ignore your wives wake up! When my wife said she was unhappy and ” BORED” in our marriage I made changes within myself! I lost over 40 pounds work out almost everyday bought myself a hot muscle car joined a gym joined a great church and do more around the house tell her she is beautiful and I love her and our sex life has improved 1000 times over! I realized life is what you make it and do not be afraid to try new things!

    • Sheila

      Glad you liked it!

  20. Lourdes

    My question is why is it that when we go out and stares at other beautiful lady’s and can flirt with them in front of me! While I am by him and when he sees a guy friend talking to me he interrupts? Then we go home to bed and he starts making love to me and he is done fast. I wish he would caress, touch me once in a while, while watching tv together and kiss me. Cause I like doing that, but all he wants me to do is massage him, then he falls asleep. But yeat when we are in public or a local bar he flirts? Friends tell me that I am a good looking woman. I am 55 years old and he is 58 years old. I have 8 years with him. What am I doing wrong? I am his 3rd. Women in his life, and he is my 4th. I am a good faithful woman. Help what is wrong with me?

  21. Heather D

    I love this article, own the 31 days to great sex guide and STILL struggle. My husband and I struggle with infertility. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for many years now with no luck. How on earth can I make sexy time feel sexy again when we have to time our intercourse, pay attention to when I ovulate, etc? I swear, it feels nearly impossible to make it feel sexy when it feels so medical.

    • Lynn

      Same boat ?

  22. murphyaik

    Hi Sheila. You are amazing. I love your perspective on this.

  23. Lynn

    Being bored in you marriage is exhausting…you want to feel like it’s all good but it’s not. ‘Y husband and I don’t even talk to each other. We will lay in the bed, ride in the car, or just sit in the same room and not say a word to each other. It’s sad…getting old. I’ve tried everything…still nothing. We don’t have any children so when we do…I’m afraid it will be worse.

  24. jaye

    I really appreciate your blog and posts like this. This isn’t something I’m comfortable asking friends about, so your blog is perfect! The comments are so helpful too.

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m glad!

  25. Veteran

    My wife is a few years older than me. We married after I moved back home once my military enlistment ended. I had a great paying high stress job but no weekends off. I had split off days for years, then two together during the week. I spent four years attending college at night after work. Once I graduated, I became too old awaiting selection for a position. So I went back to school and became an RN. My wife worked and raised our two children with whatever help I could provide if not working or schooling. They are both grown and married now. My wife and I have been married 35 years. We are both retired and still in fairly good health. Our sex life is iffy considering we have ample time, space but little desire most days. We are more like roommates than lovers. But she keeps me fed and my clothes clean , and I keep the land mowed with the tractor and the house in good repair. So it’s working as a mutual aid system if nothing else.


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