Is Having a Good Marriage Good Enough?

by | Aug 17, 2015 | Uncategorized | 18 comments

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Is a good marriage good enough?

Earlier this year, when talking with a young man about relationships, I told him my theory:

From the emails I get and from talking to women online and at my events, I’d say that 60-70% of marriages are just fine. People enjoy each other. They’re getting by. They’re satisfied. About 15% are just lousy. They’re almost broken and everybody is miserable. And then there are those 10-15% that are awesome. They’re not just getting by–they’re thriving! They can’t wait to see each other at the end of the day. They feel like they’re one.

Most people never have that. It doesn’t mean they’re miserable. They just never quite get there.

And so, I told this young man, do not dismiss the chance at that top 10-15% because the timing isn’t right. Let God decide your timing.

But that’s a story for another day.

Today I want to talk to you about that question: is a good marriage good enough?

Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: Because a Great Relationship Doesnt Happen by AccidentOn the one hand I’d say absolutely! A good marriage, even if it’s not great, is so much better than the alternative. To have someone to share life with; to parent with; to bounce ideas off of. That is a blessing.

But on the other hand, I’d say this: what if you could have more? And what if that MORE wasn’t so unattainable? What if it just took a few new ways of thinking about marriage, and about our relationships?

That’s what I share in my new book. I’ve been in a good marriage, I’ve been in a hard marriage, and I’ve been in a great marriage. And I’ve only been married once! The hard years were the first few, but for the last twenty we go back and forth between good and great. Thankfully the great is most of the time. But when we fall into the “good” years it’s because I’ve forgotten one of these thoughts that I share in my book (and I’m really transparent in the book, too, about all the ways that I’ve messed up!)

9 Thoughts Odom

(see other testimonials from great people like Gary Thomas, Shaunti Feldhahn, Fawn Weaver, and more!)

How often do we believe these things:

  • If I’m unhappy I need to take it to the LORD (well, yes, but sometimes He wants you to DO something about it, too! And the more we pour out our complaints to God, the more we focus on the negative).
  • God made my husband just for me, so he should complete me (only God completes you, honey!)
  • We’re best friends; he should want to spend time with me. (yes, but marriages naturally drift. What are YOU doing to stop that drift?)
  • Sex is supposed to make us feel intimate. If it doesn’t, there must be something wrong with my husband–or with the way God made sex!
  • We’ll never get over this one fight because we have it over and over again. I need to learn to get past it and accept it about him.

And don’t get me started on all the “pat answers” that we often hear in church on how to fix our marriages–pat answers that often make things worse, like “just submit and he’ll lead”, “just have sex!”, or “just pray about it.”

What if we started to believe other things instead? Things like:

  • I’m to be a peaceMAKER, not a peaceKEEPER
  • In marriage fights, no one has to lose
  • I can learn how to make love, and not just have sex
  • Marriage naturally drifts apart. If we’re drifting, we’re not in crisis. I just need to be deliberate again!
  • My husband can’t make me happy–but I CAN be happy with my husband

Whenever my husband and I go through a rough patch, it’s usually because I have forgotten one of the 9 truths that I share with you in this book. I get lazy. And I start to feel like I deserve a happy marriage that either God, my husband–or both–should hand me on a silver platter.

But when I take responsibility for myself, it’s amazing how I can change the dynamic in my marriage.

9ThoughtsLongAnd now…this is launch week!

Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage starts shipping tomorrow. And I’ve been working at this book for a LONG time. It’s so amazing that the day is finally here! So much of what I share in this blog, including a lot of my most important blog posts, are all expanded on in this book. I feel as if I’ve been able to crystallize so much of what I believe about marriage and taking responsibility for your own stuff.

I see so many people just drifting along, thinking there’s no way to get anything more. But there is! There really is!

I wish I could shout it from the rooftops! God has given you the ability to think, to react, to love–and all of that can draw people closer to Him, AND closer to you. You aren’t helpless. Even in a difficult marriage, there are things that you can do to bring yourself more peace, and deal with the root cause.

If you like this blog, I know you’ll love this book.

I feel like I know so many of you personally–from your emails, your comments, and even speaking with so many of you at my Girl Talk events. I hope in this book you can get another glimpse into me. I’m honestly just a regular wife who struggles, too. I’m just awfully stubborn and I’m not content with “good enough”. Wanna be stubborn with me?

Here’s where you can get the book! (and if you’re in Australia or Nigeria, Kenya, or South Africa, and you know where you can buy paperbacks online, can you send me the link and I’ll add it? Thank you!)

Buy it from Amazon
Buy it from Christianbooks.com

Buy it on Kindle
Buy on Nook

Canadian flag with correct proportions and color schemeBuy it in Canada
Buy it in the U.K.
Buy it in Australia for Kindle

Thanks for being a part of this with me! Stay tuned here, and on Facebook, for more info about some of the parties that are coming up this week!

SDB Coming Soon Desktop

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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18 Comments

  1. Keelie Reason

    Happy to hear that you finally have your book released. 🙂 So excited to see how well it does. I know a lot of ladies need your helps.

    Reply
  2. LA

    Ordered my copy. I think I would be most excited to win dinner with you , I would love to meet you. Lindsey

    Reply
  3. Erin Henry

    I can’t wait to read it. We’ve been married 10 years with I guess a “good” marriage but the last 2 years have been lousy. Really hoping your book can help!

    Reply
  4. Ngina Otiende

    Hey Sheila, congrats on your book getting out tomorrow! As far as getting paperbacks available in Kenya, I’ve tried to figure it out, but all the places I’ve discovered need to have the physical printed copies in stock first, so they can ship them out to buyers (which is a challenge cos it means either printing them locally or printing stateside and sending them to Kenya)

    Kindle is the best way so far, at least for my book. But I am looking forward to hear if anyone knows another way!

    Reply
  5. Sandra Houtz

    I’d love to have dinner with you, that would be the ultimate win, but a great book bundle would be awesome also!

    Reply
  6. Scott & Jen

    I think it would be awesome if Girl Talk came to our church!

    Reply
  7. Reiko

    One more day until the book! I know you’ve done this several times before, but it’s always exciting having something new released. I would love to meet you, so dinner would be the most awesome prize. New books are always great too, though.

    Reply
  8. Michelle Bennett

    I have emailed my proof of purchase through to you! 😉

    Looking forward to reading the book – I love your blog, so I am truly excited about this. Thank you.

    Reply
  9. Pam

    Looking forward to reading the book! Congratulations on the release-

    All of the prizes are great- but having dinner with you would be a special treat.

    Reply
  10. Heather

    Looking forward to reading your new book. Thanks for your work at distilling your thoughts on marriage for us to ponder as well.

    Reply
  11. Tiffany Fehr

    Just ordered! Sent the email receipt and I would love to win any of the prizes! I would honestly be most excited about bringing you to our church to share Girl Talk!! Selfishly, I would love to have dinner with you. I would love to chat with you 🙂

    Reply
    • Sheila

      Hey, if you win me coming to your church–we’ll do dinner, too! 🙂

      Reply
  12. Carissa

    Looking forward to reading your book today! I love your blog and Facebook page!

    Reply
  13. Silvia

    Can’t wait to get your new book! I’d take any prize I won happily, but I think my favorite would be to go to dinner with you and a friend (my sister). I love the grand prize, but everyone at my church speaks Spanish, so that might be tough to work out. I’m sure we’d figure out a way for all the ladies to understand, though. 😉

    Reply
  14. Trinet

    Sheila,
    I am thrilled to read your book! I am thankful that you right and speak about marriage and intimacy, It’s not something that can be talked about enough in Christian circles! Thank you for being bold and brave in who God made you!! Id love the chance to be able to hear you speak again!

    Reply
  15. Jessica J

    Thanks for your blog – I’m looking forward to reading your book! 🙂

    Reply
    • Jessica J

      …and I’d love to win any of the prizes! You speaking at our church would be awesome. 🙂

      Reply

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