It’s time for a new episode of the Bare Marriage podcast!
I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Aiming for Arousal, Not Just Sex!
What if a big reason that many couples find themselves in a sexual rut is that they never figured out what made sex good for her from the start?
When you’re getting married, there’s this pressure to “get it done” that first night. And then your honeymoon is just supposed to be this crazed sex-a-thon. But this doesn’t always lead to great sex. In fact, for my research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that only 20% of women said that their honeymoon sex was great! 60% said it was OK, and 20% said it was downright bad.
I suggest that part of the problem may be that we’re rushing the process a bit. If you get married and then it becomes all about “doing the deed,” it can be easy to skip over foreplay or learning how to simply turn each other on. Arousal isn’t automatic for all women–many have to learn how to listen to their body’s cues and get swept away. So we talk about how couples can use their honeymoon not just to have intercourse, but to enjoy a more full sexual experience that leaves both of them satisfied at the end. And you know what? Aiming for arousal will likely lead to better sex for both of you. We’re not saying don’t have sex–we’re just saying make sure you take time to be sexual together instead of just trying to get it done as many times as you can.
Millennial Marriage: What About Masturbation?
Whenever we’re talking about arousal and learning how your body works, we’ll always get questions about masturbation and if it’s a good idea in the quest to figure out how to orgasm.
Basically, this is a tricky subject. I definitely don’t believe this should be talked about in a shameful or condemning way or that masturbation is even necessarily wrong in and of itself, but I also don’t think it should be promoted since it can lead to intimacy issues in marriage. Listen to the podcast to get the in-depth take or read some posts I’ve written on related topics before:
Reader Question: When Do We Start Talking About Sex?
We recently got this reader question sent in from a woman:
When I get engaged, when and how should I start discussing sex with my future husband? I know I will feel embarrassed to even bring it up to him when the time comes and I worry about how he will respond. I hope to hear from you soon or see a post answering my questions.
Great question! Talking to your fiance about sex can be awkward and uncomfortable. That’s one of the reasons we created The Honeymoon Course–to help couples get through those conversations before the wedding without as much awkwardness. So few couples talk about this properly–even couples who are already having sex! Considering how important openness and honesty is when it comes to sex, we really want people to be able to talk about this in a healthy way!
In general, it’s a good idea to figure out what is wise to talk about a long time in advance and what things you should hold back until closer to the wedding. Things like past sexual partners, abuse, or attitudes you have towards sex are likely important to share ahead of time so that you can receive healing/counseling if necessary before the wedding. Talking about expectations for the wedding night and sex on the honeymoon maybe a little closer to the wedding as long as you know you’re on the same general page when it comes to sex based on past conversations. We talk about this more in the podcast, and have it really clearly laid out in the course, so if you are getting married and don’t know where to start, check that out for sure.
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
Comment: How One Couple Set Themselves Up for Success!
In the main segment today we read a comment that shows the benefit of focusing on arousal, not just intercourse:
A huge AMEN to #8 [arousal not just sex]. We have been married for 22 years and have had a happy, healthy, active and mutually satisfying sex life for the whole 22 years. For us it really did start on our wedding night. My husband worked at a paper mill when we were dating and got married and he heard how the men talked about their wives/girlfriends and was horrified. Basically they just used them for their own sexual pleasure. On the flip side was the women he worked with who talked about always being left hanging and felt like they were nothing more than “sperm toilets”. How awful! My husband vowed not to be that kind of man. Now we were not the christian couple who waited til the wedding to kiss so sexual tension was building up in our brief ten month dating/engagement period so we knew arousal to a certain point, however, we were both virgins on our wedding night. Most 23 year old virgin men are going to go right for the intercourse on their wedding night but not my husband. After some kissing and general foreplay the first thing he did before intercourse was give me oral sex. I will add that this was completely initiated by him. No, I didn’t orgasm but it sure did get me aroused and relaxed which made intercourse incredible the first time. It has been incredible ever since. I know this might be too much information but my main point is that a truly selfless man will make his wife’s pleasure his number one priority in sex and in reality be setting himself up for a great sex life as well. My husband’s putting my arousal and pleasure ahead of his own on our first night together really set the stage for what sex would be like for the rest of our marriage.
And that about speaks for itself.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s podcast, and let me know what you think in the comments below!