I’ve got some questions from newlyweds today!
On Mondays I like to take reader questions and take a stab at answering them, but I have so many in backlog that in July I’m going to try to work several questions into my Monday posts. We already did a lightning round of sex questions and marriage questions in general, and today I thought I’d focus on questions that for engaged couples or newlywed couples. So here goes:
1. How do we talk about sex before we’re married?
I am an engaged woman, I believe I have a healthy attraction to my fiancé and we have been friends for over three years so our dating life was a whirlwind formality of 2 months. Unfortunately, several people seem to think we’re getting married simply because “we cannot control ourselves”. We also have grown up in very conservative circles in which sex is hardly ever discussed and if it is then it’s simply to tell us that it’s designed for marriage. Which I agree with but I don’t want to have no clue when I get there. This has led to me trying to learn things from Wikipedia, which I’ve always known isn’t ideal but I’ve felt stranded for options.
Last night while I was scrolling through Pinterest I came across a blog post about Christian women discussing sex more freely and how important it is, and that post led me here. I looked around and was so blessed by your matter of fact, but still clean and godly and healthy advice. Thank you so much for that. How would you advise couples who are close to marriage to discuss such important things (we already have established good communication) so we don’t go into marriage feeling awkward and/or clueless?
Great question! I do think that there are a LOT of things that should be discussed before marriage about sex, if nothing else because you have to agree about what you’re going to do–or not do–about contraception. It’s also very important that you both go into the honeymoon with the right understanding that the goal should be about arousal, and not just having sex. Too often we aim just for consummation, and then we never figure out how to make sex feel good!
Too often we aim just for consummation, and then we never figure out how to make sex feel good!
In my Honeymoon Course, I have video teaching specifically for both of you on what to expect with sex and how to make the honeymoon great, and then I take you through some discussion questions and activities to help you get on the same page.
Some basic sex education is very important, and in both The Honeymoon Course and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I try to provide that. I would say that talking too graphically about what you want to do sexually once you’re married is not necessarily a wise idea, but you do need to know that: you’re each anticipating sex and you believe that it will be an important part of your marriage; you each understand that sex should be pleasurable for both of you; you each understand that there will need to be some give and take in the bedroom; you each understand how sex and reproduction works.
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and talk through awkward–but important–conversations about sex, arousal, and expectations about the wedding night.
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
Hopefully your premarital counseling will cover that, but if not, check out both The Honeymoon Course and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
Here’s a very similar question:
Hi! I’m from Nigeria and I am getting married soon and I’d really appreciate if you could write about how brides can better prepare for a life of sexual intimacy, especially since we’re rarely taught the subject as singles in church and have close to no idea what Godly sexual experiences should be like.
Great question! It’s always great when engaged couples take the initiative to get the education and information they need before they’re married–I really do believe that can help couples avoid some common pitfalls that we can get into!
I’ve written a great deal on this topic, so here are some posts that may help you when it comes to preparing for sex in marriage:
Preparing for Great Sex in Marriage:
2. Why Am I So Shy of Seeing Him Naked?
A woman writes perplexed that she’s kinda scared of his penis:
I’ve studied some midwifery and taken FEMM (Fertility Education and Medical Management) and have always been intrigued with anatomy. So it’s not like I shy away from seeing etc such things! And I am physically attracted to my man. Haha! I just don’t feel myself yearning to touch him in certain ways along with being more “scared” of seeing him naked than being naked for him!
You know, the penis is just a weird concept for a lot of women. Everything’s just kind of hanging out there, and it’s just very present–you feel it against you, and it really is quite opposite to what we’re used to as women.
If you’re really attracted to your man and you want to be with him, but the thought of him naked is just really intimidating, take it slow. Maybe don’t start with giving his penis too much attention–you can get used to being naked together before you start having sex. Cuddle naked in bed, get used to changing in front of each other, maybe have some showers or baths together to just get used to each other’s naked bodies. You may find that when you’re used to it and it becomes more commonplace in your life a lot of that intimidation goes away.
Also, you may very well find the idea of a penis really really weird until you are aroused. Context can play a huge role in this–even many women who have been married for years would jump if they were in the middle of putting away groceries and he suddenly whipped it out, even women who are really comfortable around their naked husbands.
So just get used to being naked together and touching each other’s naked bodies, pay attention to your arousal cues and don’t do anything until you’re comfortable with it, and remember that context matters and what you find weird and intimidating right now you may feel differently about when your body is more aroused.
3. Some Positions Are More Pleasurable. Is this Normal?
A newlywed getting used to sex asks:
I’ve been married six months and we love it! (All of it.) I have noticed a few times when we have sex it feels like he enters me differently and is therefore in a different position. Sometimes I feel more pressure towards the back; other times (when I have more pleasure and usually he does too) it feels like his penis is more frontal and the pressure is in the general clitoral area. Is this normal or why is this? And is there a way to make sure we get the more frontal one?
Definitely that’s normal! During intercourse, lots of things can affect where we feel the most pressure:
- Whether we tilt our hips or not (often tilting forward feels better)
- The position that you’re in (who is on top; who is moving; whether you’re side by side; the direction of entry)
- In any given position, whether you each are changing position, ie. lying vs. sitting vs. standing vs. kneeling
Last week we ran a post on different positions and variations of positions, and that can help! And in both our Sexy Dares and 31 days to Great Sex we have different challenges where you can explore different positions. Plus, we created a more educational post about different ways you can experiment and try new positions in the moment without pulling up a diagram.
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
The reason it feels better when the pressure is more in front is because you’re hitting your “G-spot” region, the region at the anterior (front wall) of the vagina with “clitoral roots”, which can feel very intense when stimulated.
If you want to make it more likely that you’ll feel pressure in the front, you can try these things:
- Tilt your hips forward. Get comfortable in whatever position you’re using, and then, once you are, try tilting your hips forward so that the angle is better.
- If you’re using the “missionary” position, or man-on-top position, try putting your legs between his legs, rather than on the outside of his legs. That can increase stimulation.
- Try being on top, and moving around until the angle feels right.
- In the “missionary” position, have him kneel rather than lie down, and have him lean a little backwards when he enters you.
In general, just get in a position and wriggle or move until it feels even better! And if you want some games to help you do this, do check out our Sexy Dares!
4. I feel like I have to pee when I approach orgasm. Help!
A reader writes:
Recently I have started feeling like I am going to pee when I approach orgasm. I have tried “clenching” during orgasm to try and prevent it but then it isn’t as enjoyable. Finally I have tried just “letting it go” and sure enough, it comes out. I can’t tell if it actually is urine or not. I have even made sure to go to the bathroom right before having sex. My husband says it is fine and he just wants me to enjoy sex, no matter what. I know he is being honest, but it’s embarrassing and then creates more of a mess to clean up! Any ideas on what’s happening? I feel ashamed and it drives me away from wanting to have sex, which is already a struggle my husband and I are working through.
Okay, this is actually a fun question, because I’ve got an answer that will hopefully be a big relief to you!
YOU’RE NOT PEEING.
That’s called “female ejaculation”, and it’s actually quite common. When some women reach orgasm, or when they hit a certain level of sexual arousal, and especially when that arousal is due to stimulation of the G-spot region, it’s quite normal for women to release fluid in a sudden burst. That’s largely because when you have an orgasm that comes from the G-spot, it’s often because of pressure on the urethral sponge, which makes it feel like you’re urinating. There’s some controversy over what female ejaculate actually includes, but it seems to be colorless and odorless, and has elevated levels of the PSA hormone and fructose, which are not normally found in urine in the same quantities.
It can feel very much like you’re peeing, but it isn’t really the same thing, and it is quite common! So go with it and enjoy it, and use a towel if necessary. 🙂
What are some things you think newlyweds should know? What’s your best newlywed advice? Let’s chat about it in the comments below!