If your wife never wants to sleep with you, and if sex has become rare in your marriage, what can you do to get your wife in the mood?
A lot of my readers are actually HUSBANDS (I’m so glad you’re here!), and so every now and then I like to offer up a “men’s corner” post directed more at guys. So for today’s post I thought I’d write how men can seduce their wives–or at least help their wives hopefully want to have sex more.
I also asked on Facebook for some advice from all my female readers, and some of their responses will be sprinkled in here as well! But here we go: How husbands can get their wives in the mood.
1. Take a load off of her mind
It’s hard for women to get in the mood, let alone enjoy sex, if they have a million things on their mind. And often those million things are tasks that need to be completed, housework that needs to be done, or things that she needs to remember about tomorrow. Sometimes it’s also bad feelings about negative conversations she’s had with friends or family, or feeling as if some part of her life is out of whack.
So first and foremost, help her complete the tasks. Do your part. Be an equal partner with housework throughout the day so she doesn’t have as much on her plate at night.
But then also help her process those feelings. Some women need time alone to process–so make it a habit to give her time to go jogging, to have a bath, to journal, or whatever it may be. Then, once she’s done that, ask her about it. “Is there anything on your mind I can help you sort through?” Some women need to be able to talk everything through. So go for a walk after dinner and let her tell you what’s on her mind.
Or does she have things she needs to remember about tomorrow? Set up a big calendar on the wall (here’s a cool one) where you can write in your schedule, her schedule, the kids’ schedules, and you can talk about it every night after dinner so that you both know what’s going on. The mental load of housework and child care falls disproportionately on the woman. If you can shoulder some of that–say, by taking responsibility for an upcoming birthday party a child is invited to (which involves buying the present, driving the child to the party, picking him or her up, etc.), then she doesn’t have to worry about it. The more you can help her “dump” the things out of her mind, the easier it is for her to let the concerns of the day go so she can have fun!
2. Talk to Her–and Know Her Heart
Here’s what we often don’t understand: Desire is not just about a physical urge. The physical urge is actually often fueled by an emotional connection. That’s why couples who feel close tend to have women who orgasm more. And it’s also why make-up sex is a real thing. When we feel as if we’re close and we’ve bared our souls to one another and we’re still committed to one another, then we’re going to fuel desire.
So spend some time actually figuring out what’s going on in her heart and her head. Certainly deal with the worries of the day, as I talked about before. But if you really want to fuel desire, it’s important to tap into some of the deeper stuff. What are her insecurities? What are her fears? Don’t try to fix things, but learn what these are.
Want to unlock some conversation starters? Download the Get Your Marriage On app and use the code TLHV to get 70 conversation with your wife and so much more!
3. Share Your Heart with Her
What many women want, even more than you hearing her heart, is that you share your own heart. Often the key to getting her in the mood is to show her that you’re able to be vulnerable with her. You trust her. You want to be closer to her in a way that’s not just physical. Think about it: With sex, she’s letting you into her body. Why should she do that if you won’t let her into your heart?
So as you’re getting her to share, open up to her as well. Let her know your dreams, your fears, something you once loved but you’re now disappointed with. Let her hear your emotions, not only your opinions.
4. Be Gentle with the Kids
Hug your kids. Kiss your kids. Read your kids stories. Tell them how much you love them. Get down to their level, look them in the eye, and have a conversation with them.
Your wife likely loves your kids more than life itself. They’re precious to her. So when she sees you treating the things she feels are most precious in the world as if they’re precious to you, too, that will melt her heart–and help her get in the mood! It’s not about taking the kids off of her hands so she can relax (though that’s a nice bonus). It’s really about an emotional bond, where you show your wife with your actions, “I am safe. I am nurturing. I can be strong but gentle at the same time.”
You can’t expect her to spend all evening with the kids and then be ready to jump into bed with you. That’s too difficult a transition; she’ll be tired; and she’ll also bear the weight of the kids alone. But if she realizes she’s not bearing that weight alone, that’s a huge relief. So, dads, do your part!
5. Take the 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge!
Many women aren’t in the mood because sex doesn’t feel very good. Or maybe you have sexual baggage you’ve never worked through. Or maybe you’re not affectionate enough during the day. Whatever it might be, the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge can help! It starts those difficult conversations that can unlock the door to her sexuality, but it also helps you both figure out how to make sex feel great for her. Plus there’s so much there to spice things up!
Are you ready to spice things up?
Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Suggest it like this:
Babe, I’m worried that sex is becoming routine, we’re missing out on passion, and sex has become too much about me. Can we do this challenge so that we can make sure that YOU’RE getting what you should be getting out of sex? Because I want you to feel amazing, relaxed, passionate, everything. You deserve that. And I want to make it happen!
6. Try Some Sexy Dares!
I’ve created 24 sexy dares that are geared to unlocking sexual desire in both of you. There are 8 dares where you take the lead; 8 where she takes the lead; and 8 that you both do together (plus one bonus dare that will really help you connect with her heart). But I designed the sexy dares where you take the lead to focus on helping her relax and discovering her own sexuality and figuring out what feels good. They’re geared towards what she needs. If sex has been something your wife has been avoiding, I’d suggest picking up the dares, and then starting with the ones that YOU do.
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
7. Nuzzle her Neck
The #1 thing said on Facebook was some variation of “kiss my neck.” Don’t go for the breasts, the butt, or anything else first. Concentrate on her neck–even from behind. For many women that’s a huge turnon!
8. Show Her How Much You Appreciate Her
I know many men struggle to come up with good compliments. But letting your wife know how much you appreciate her shows her that she matters and helps to quiet the many ways she’s probably telling herself she’s inadequate during the day. As one of my readers said on Facebook:
Telling me how good a job I do at taking care of the kids, home, him, my body, etc. I work so hard– when he notices & points it out with gratitude, I melt. – MD on Facebook
Look for an area your wife is doing well or an area where she’s been improving recently and tell her that specifically. Compliments are hard for a lot of guys but try to be specific and reference something positive you see your wife doing. You can’t give a good compliment if you’re not paying attention to your wife and part of arousal for women is knowing that they matter to their partner. Show her that you do.
9. Laugh Together
It’s easy in marriage to get away from the friendship you shared during your dating days. Laughter is good medicine. Do something silly to get your wife laughing. Grab the nerf guns and have a nerf battle while the kids are asleep. Or giggle together about silly animal videos on youtube. Just get laughing and connect together. As one reader on Facebook put it:
Make me laugh, honestly laughter will get me “warmed up” to him quicker than anything – RB on Facebook
Try some strip poker or other bedroom warm up to get things going and lean into the silly ridiculousness of it.
10. Finally, want her in the mood? Shower, Shave or Trim Your Beard, and Smell Amazing
I remember seeing a friend of mine with a beard that was usually rather scruffy show up at a funeral with it all trimmed neatly. I almost did a double take. He looked amazing!
Seriously, guys: women like men who take care of themselves. So if you want to get her in the mood, shower. Use a wonderful smelling soap or cologne. Shave. Trim your facial hair. Put on pyjamas that look good, not just pants or T-shirts with holes in them. And then nuzzle up to her. And don’t forget to brush your teeth!
More posts in our Men’s Corner:
What do you think of these suggestions? What else would you add? Let’s talk in the comments!
These are great ideas and I try to follow them. One of the most difficult for me is the one about sharing my feelings. I don’t know if it is a man thing but it’s so difficult to talk about what I really feel. I know I need to get better at it but at times it’s difficult. I don’t know if it’s a “what if she thinks I’m a loser” thing but it’s really difficult.
I must say but I don’t know if this a general thing but I have noticed that when she is in the mood I don’t have to do much for her to want sex but when she is not then it feels like it doesn’t matter what I do. I mean I try to keep her emotional tank full all the time, with or without sex but it’s when her hormones drop some week before her period and then during her period that things get really tough. I just don’t know what to do. Because of the kids it takes a lot planning to have sex. If she is not in the mood it doesn’t happen. Then I sometimes have to wait almost 2 weeks in worse case scenarios it’s 3 weeks. I haven’t really learned how to crack the code to how to get her in the mood during those weeks.
A lot of this is likely hormonal. She’s likely waiting to actually feel sexually aroused before she wants to make love, and doesn’t realize that for most women, libido only kicks in AFTER they start. A lot of women just don’t understand this about how our sex drives work. I cover this a lot in my Boost Your Libido course, but many women think that if we’re not really sexually aroused, then it just won’t work. Whereas if you jump in and decide to think positively, it actually does work.
This would be great if it were written for women … these are not in anyway going to move men in the right direction … this write up also completely omitted what women need to do to improve the situation … its just another men need to do more complete waste of time …
The situation of intimacy needs to be discussed with both parties being 100% responsible … no 50/50 nonsense and the idea women are not responsible for being great willing sexual partners in their marriage is 100% their duty than everything else in regards to this topic will be a failure … no one can make anyone else do or feel anything .. this is complete bs that men should be less masculine is the problem … it is no wonder so marriags are in trouble with completely wrong advise like this.
This is a post specifically for men because men asked for it. I have lots of posts for women, and whole courses for women, on how to boost their libido. And I have multiple books for women.
Also, perhaps you should read my obligation sex series? Considering the 47 point orgasm gap, and that 23% of women experience sexual pain, and that 50% of men are currently using porn, I think you’re missing a lot of the conversation. Make sex great first before you expect a woman to throw herself into it.
This is so true. A couple years ago my wife was surprised when she got into the mood more AFTER we started and since then I’ve been trying to figure out ways to get her ok with starting the process and then letting it take over, but still a hard climb at times. I can here hoping for some more ideas on how to get her to relax enough to just start kissing, this is helpful article. Thx.
I’m sure some women enjoy sex during their period but I’ll venture to say that plenty dont! And the week before your period can be iffy- hormonal, cranky, crampy, tired, moody etc…If she knows your main goal is to “get sex” before her period then your actions may backfire and she may just shut you out. But if you’re just treating her lovingly and kindly and empathetic to how she is feeling I think you’re more likely to succeed during that week before her period. I’d recommend just planning on always having a week off for her period though! If a woman wants to during that time, great but if not, she shouldn’t feel like she’s hurting her husband by refusing during that time.
I think the stats are about 20% of women can have sex on their period and 80% would rather not. So much depends on flow, cramping, comfort with the mess, etc.
As Sheila indicated, your wife may have a responsive sex drive and will almost never exhibit spontaneous desire for sex.
If you aren’t familiar with the idea of a responsive sex drive, read/learn as much as you can, implement, and have patience. And here’s an analogy I used to describe to my wife what her arousal pattern looks like to a person with spontaneous desire, and she did not disagree:
My wife’s favorite food is pizza. I surprise her and have Papa John’s delivered while she is out. She returns to a house smelling of pizza, smells it in the air and says “Pizza? Why would I ever want that? And you spent the money on delivery?” After some nudging, she agrees to try a taste and says not bad. I second taste and she’s clearly liking it, and after that she just devours it and enjoys it immensely. When done, she says “We should have pizza more often, it’s my favorite!”
As a bonus, I’ll add that the next week I’ll make pizza and the response will be “Pizza? Why would I ever want that?”
Seems bizarre to us spontaneous-drive folks, but this is not a joke.
-Scott
Scott, I think most women are responsive-sex drive types. Not all, but most. And so we need to do a lot more educating on this, so that women can realize that if they embrace sex, they actually can get in the mood WHILE you’re making love, if not before. But it isn’t taught enough, and so women grow up thinking they’re not sexual.
I’m in the reverse situation where I am open to sex most of the time but my husband is only in the mood a few times a month. If he’s not in the mood, I have to do a lot of nudging to try to get him interested. If I suggest sex spontaneously when he’s not in the mood, he won’t be mentally ready and I’ll get rejected. Do you have any posts on how to get your husband in the mood if he is the lower drive spouse?
i wish i was getting a NUDGE !!!!! im the one doing the nudging and getting nowhere
How about 10 ways to get your husband to have sex with you after starting a business that takes over his time, mind, body and penis. Went from sex every day down to 1-2 times a week. I’m worried about what it could do to our relationship and what it could do to him or what it could lead him to do because we sent having enough sex.
“Went from sex every day down to 1-2 times a week” and you are worried?
One person’s feast is another person’s famine. For those of us walking through deserts of intimacy in our marriage, 1-2 times per month is an oasis. What you are experiencing seems unfathomable.
At the same time, let me encourage you. Starting a business, running a business, owning a business are extremely stressful and risky.
Can I encourage you to partner with him through the pressure and stress? Also, now more than ever is an opportunity to practice secure transparent communication of the fear and stress of failure?
Great suggestions and I agree that these definitely would help a lot!! I would add that if your wife is struggling with low libido due to hormonal causes trying some of these will likely leave both parties feeling more defeated. As a wife with struggled with postpartum when my husband expressed how defeated, unloved, unappreciated and just overall how down in the dumps he felt as a result of our crappy sex life I wanted to disappear. I felt helpless and hopeless because the last thing I wanted for my husband to feel like that. I could’ve told him a million times the issue was me and and NOT HIM but that took a long time to get through. The point being, he could’ve been the best husband in the world and done all the right things and at the end of the day I was still the one with the issues so that I didn’t matter. What I needed most was his understanding and patience. Him being upset and/or pointing fingers only furthered the sexual dysfunction in our marriage.
So in essence, patience and understanding while I got myself together and actively tried to fix my own issues were worth their weight in gold.
You should changed the title: from “can” to “might possibly”.
The former implies success if done. Which is not true.
This article, while it may seem helpful, might also be a depressing condemnation to those of us who have done everything listed, and much more, and yet they never, ever work.
John, you are in good company. You are not alone. Keep your head up.
For me, it is much easier to express my opinions than my feelings. Too many times I become passive-aggressive rather than using words to express myself. For many of us guys, we were not taught to express our feelings in a healthy way. Overcoming this has been a challenge in my life.
My husband does all of these things (well, we haven’t bought your books yet), but it doesn’t change the fact that sex is awful for me. The way I’m wired, it’s nearly impossible to get me “in the mood” for that which I know will be a bad experience.
(For men: imagine that intercourse felt like getting repeatedly punched. Now try to “get in the mood” for that.)
I’m so sorry, Jane. I really am. Is it a pain issue? If so, have you seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist (I may have asked this on another thread; forgive me if I can’t remember)?
Yes, pain. I can’t see a pelvic floor specialist until after pregnancy, so we’re looking at… the spring?
Oh, yes, that is tough! I will tell you that childbirth really helped me with the pain–it virtually went away. For others it has the opposite effect (not to scare you). But perhaps this is something that will get better after the baby. Either way, seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist after the birth is really a helpful thing to do, just to regain (or gain in the first place) some control over those muscles.
Thank you. You have enlighten me to some of the behaviors that I can change. In all of this, one word comes to mind, altruism. Doing things without expectations of reward. Helping more with my daughter would be a huge step in the right direction. Ultimately, it’s not about intercourse, it’s intemacy that is missing. For 48 my wife still has great breast’s, I should be focusing more on her brain than her boobs. I feel fortunate that after 10 years we still kiss with passion. We’re still very much in love, sometimes life gets in the way. Thank you for writing this
My hubby has been attentive differently than normal for the past few days. I asked him if he had read this post and he said no. But now he’s trying to figure out what is on the list- by doing things he thinks I like.
Most of the things aren’t in your list, but they are on mine. So I’m really enjoying it.
Thought you’d enjoy hearing what happened because of your post.
It’s great to know I am not alone. Everyone has been sharing the challenges. Are there any actionable solutions, please?