If your wife never wants to sleep with you, and if sex has become rare in your marriage, what can you do to get your wife in the mood?
A lot of my readers are actually HUSBANDS (I’m so glad you’re here!), and so every now and then I like to offer up a “men’s corner” post directed more at guys. So for today’s post I thought I’d write how men can seduce their wives–or at least help their wives hopefully want to have sex more.
I also asked on Facebook for some advice from all my female readers, and some of their responses will be sprinkled in here as well! But here we go: How husbands can get their wives in the mood.
1. Take a load off of her mind
It’s hard for women to get in the mood, let alone enjoy sex, if they have a million things on their mind. And often those million things are tasks that need to be completed, housework that needs to be done, or things that she needs to remember about tomorrow. Sometimes it’s also bad feelings about negative conversations she’s had with friends or family, or feeling as if some part of her life is out of whack.
So first and foremost, help her complete the tasks. Do your part. Be an equal partner with housework throughout the day so she doesn’t have as much on her plate at night.
But then also help her process those feelings. Some women need time alone to process–so make it a habit to give her time to go jogging, to have a bath, to journal, or whatever it may be. Then, once she’s done that, ask her about it. “Is there anything on your mind I can help you sort through?” Some women need to be able to talk everything through. So go for a walk after dinner and let her tell you what’s on her mind.
Or does she have things she needs to remember about tomorrow? Set up a big calendar on the wall (here’s a cool one) where you can write in your schedule, her schedule, the kids’ schedules, and you can talk about it every night after dinner so that you both know what’s going on. The mental load of housework and child care falls disproportionately on the woman. If you can shoulder some of that–say, by taking responsibility for an upcoming birthday party a child is invited to (which involves buying the present, driving the child to the party, picking him or her up, etc.), then she doesn’t have to worry about it. The more you can help her “dump” the things out of her mind, the easier it is for her to let the concerns of the day go so she can have fun!
2. Talk to Her–and Know Her Heart
Here’s what we often don’t understand: Desire is not just about a physical urge. The physical urge is actually often fueled by an emotional connection. That’s why couples who feel close tend to have women who orgasm more. And it’s also why make-up sex is a real thing. When we feel as if we’re close and we’ve bared our souls to one another and we’re still committed to one another, then we’re going to fuel desire.
So spend some time actually figuring out what’s going on in her heart and her head. Certainly deal with the worries of the day, as I talked about before. But if you really want to fuel desire, it’s important to tap into some of the deeper stuff. What are her insecurities? What are her fears? Don’t try to fix things, but learn what these are.
Want to unlock some conversation starters? Download the Get Your Marriage On app and use the code TLHV to get 70 conversation with your wife and so much more!
3. Share Your Heart with Her
What many women want, even more than you hearing her heart, is that you share your own heart. Often the key to getting her in the mood is to show her that you’re able to be vulnerable with her. You trust her. You want to be closer to her in a way that’s not just physical. Think about it: With sex, she’s letting you into her body. Why should she do that if you won’t let her into your heart?
So as you’re getting her to share, open up to her as well. Let her know your dreams, your fears, something you once loved but you’re now disappointed with. Let her hear your emotions, not only your opinions.
Desire is not just about a physical urge. The physical urge is actually often fueled by an emotional connection.
4. Be Gentle with the Kids
Hug your kids. Kiss your kids. Read your kids stories. Tell them how much you love them. Get down to their level, look them in the eye, and have a conversation with them.
Your wife likely loves your kids more than life itself. They’re precious to her. So when she sees you treating the things she feels are most precious in the world as if they’re precious to you, too, that will melt her heart–and help her get in the mood! It’s not about taking the kids off of her hands so she can relax (though that’s a nice bonus). It’s really about an emotional bond, where you show your wife with your actions, “I am safe. I am nurturing. I can be strong but gentle at the same time.”
You can’t expect her to spend all evening with the kids and then be ready to jump into bed with you. That’s too difficult a transition; she’ll be tired; and she’ll also bear the weight of the kids alone. But if she realizes she’s not bearing that weight alone, that’s a huge relief. So, dads, do your part!
5. Take the 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge!
Many women aren’t in the mood because sex doesn’t feel very good. Or maybe you have sexual baggage you’ve never worked through. Or maybe you’re not affectionate enough during the day. Whatever it might be, the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge can help! It starts those difficult conversations that can unlock the door to her sexuality, but it also helps you both figure out how to make sex feel great for her. Plus there’s so much there to spice things up!
Are you ready to spice things up?
Suggest it like this:
Babe, I’m worried that sex is becoming routine, we’re missing out on passion, and sex has become too much about me. Can we do this challenge so that we can make sure that YOU’RE getting what you should be getting out of sex? Because I want you to feel amazing, relaxed, passionate, everything. You deserve that. And I want to make it happen!
6. Try Some Sexy Dares!
I’ve created 24 sexy dares that are geared to unlocking sexual desire in both of you. There are 8 dares where you take the lead; 8 where she takes the lead; and 8 that you both do together (plus one bonus dare that will really help you connect with her heart). But I designed the sexy dares where you take the lead to focus on helping her relax and discovering her own sexuality and figuring out what feels good. They’re geared towards what she needs. If sex has been something your wife has been avoiding, I’d suggest picking up the dares, and then starting with the ones that YOU do.
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
7. Nuzzle her Neck
The #1 thing said on Facebook was some variation of “kiss my neck.” Don’t go for the breasts, the butt, or anything else first. Concentrate on her neck–even from behind. For many women that’s a huge turnon!
8. Show Her How Much You Appreciate Her
I know many men struggle to come up with good compliments. But letting your wife know how much you appreciate her shows her that she matters and helps to quiet the many ways she’s probably telling herself she’s inadequate during the day. As one of my readers said on Facebook:
Telling me how good a job I do at taking care of the kids, home, him, my body, etc. I work so hard– when he notices & points it out with gratitude, I melt. – MD on Facebook
Look for an area your wife is doing well or an area where she’s been improving recently and tell her that specifically. Compliments are hard for a lot of guys but try to be specific and reference something positive you see your wife doing. You can’t give a good compliment if you’re not paying attention to your wife and part of arousal for women is knowing that they matter to their partner. Show her that you do.
9. Laugh Together
It’s easy in marriage to get away from the friendship you shared during your dating days. Laughter is good medicine. Do something silly to get your wife laughing. Grab the nerf guns and have a nerf battle while the kids are asleep. Or giggle together about silly animal videos on youtube. Just get laughing and connect together. As one reader on Facebook put it:
Make me laugh, honestly laughter will get me “warmed up” to him quicker than anything – RB on Facebook
Try some strip poker or other bedroom warm up to get things going and lean into the silly ridiculousness of it.
10. Finally, want her in the mood? Shower, Shave or Trim Your Beard, and Smell Amazing
I remember seeing a friend of mine with a beard that was usually rather scruffy show up at a funeral with it all trimmed neatly. I almost did a double take. He looked amazing!
Seriously, guys: women like men who take care of themselves. So if you want to get her in the mood, shower. Use a wonderful smelling soap or cologne. Shave. Trim your facial hair. Put on pyjamas that look good, not just pants or T-shirts with holes in them. And then nuzzle up to her. And don’t forget to brush your teeth!
More posts in our Men’s Corner:
What do you think of these suggestions? What else would you add? Let’s talk in the comments!