Are evangelical women hesitant to marry evangelical men?
Rebecca and I talked about this on a podcast recently, but I’ve had so many emails since that I wanted to make sure we had this written out on the blog too! Plus I wanted to include a bunch of your comments!
(I posted this on my Substack last week as well; you should subscribe to me there if you don’t already!)
On March 26 during an episode of his podcast The Briefing, Mohler discussed a recent article from the Wall Street Journal: “American Women Are Giving Up On Marriage.” In it, author Rachel Wolfe discussed the change in recent years in women’s attitudes towards marriage. Basically, women now see marriage as a choice, not a necessity, and increasingly women are not willing to make that choice if potential mates aren’t great.
Mohler wasn’t happy.
Here’s what he said:
“This is a five-alarm fire. This is a huge thing. And frankly, this headline doesn’t come out of the blue. Many of us watching these things have understood that marriage has been in decline across the American population for a matter of decades now. The age of first marriage has been extended further and further out into the future. We’re now looking somewhere at about age 30 for both men and women. It had been at about age 20, just closer to 20 if you go back, say a half century.
So you can say, “Well, what difference does it make if someone gets married closer to 30 than to 20?” Well, it makes a lot of difference over the marriage cycle. It makes a lot of difference in terms, for instance, of having children. How many children you will have. What the expectation is. What’s the model of marriage? It turns out that that has a lot to do with it.”
Did you notice what he said at the very end? The very model of marriage might change if the women have a job. The implication being that it’s better to get people married off when they’re young—around 19-21 years of age– before they are established so that they can just start getting pregnant and have tons of kids.
He continues to discuss the plight of poor single men who desperately want to get married but, due to societal changes in how women view marriage, it’s just not happening for them. Women won’t marry men who aren’t educated or don’t make enough money. Women won’t marry men with conservative viewpoints.
And so Christian men are being left behind. It’s a “crisis”, a “five-alarm fire”, “time to hit the panic button.”
Mohler then goes on to summarize the rest of the article about how single women are perceiving the institution of marriage in ways that he finds problematic. At the very end it’s like he’s almost getting it. He says ‘increasingly, these unmarried women think that married women aren’t very happy. How could this possibly be?’
But what’s interesting is what Mohler leaves out.
He quotes at length from that article in the Wall Street Journal, but never mentions one of the author’s major points: women aren’t interested in a man who doesn’t want to be an equal partner and show up in the relationship, and work on himself. They want a man who will do his share of the housework and childcare, and who will become emotionally mature. They don’t want to be married single moms with another child to care for who is supposed to be a partner in marriage.
And Al doesn’t bring that up because Al has been teaching this whole time that men are in authority over women in marriage, and setting up the very marriage dynamics that make women want to run from the institution.
In our new book The Marriage You Want, based on our all new survey of 7000 people, we show how marriages set up the way Mohler wants, with men in authority over women, leave women far less happy (and they hurt men too!). And marriages where she carries all the mental load and housework become disastrous.
Here is what our readers have told us about women’s shifting views on marriage
Men are not interested in behaving like adults who can be equal partners
“When I was dating 20 years ago, the dating pool amongst Christian boys was abysmal. The standard was literally just that they be a “Christian” & go to church regularly. The boys around me/in youth group didn’t have their licences, no jobs, couldn’t fry an egg, had little personal hygiene, were largely unemployable outside of youth pastor roles. And then there I was, planning to go to graduate school, independent w multiple jobs to pay for education as I went, was told I was “intimidating”.”
“my daughters do not want to get married. they’ve watched the women of my generation suffer under the hands of men that just refuse to step up, do their 8 hours at work and then nothing else while women do everything. they aren’t interested in relationships and would rather adopt children to raise as single parents than deal with a man making their life harder.
my boys are focusing on themselves and their own ambitions as well. while one of my sons would like to have a family it isn’t his primary focus right now.
i taught all my kids how to be decent humans. there are no “gendered skills” dishes, laundry, housework, childcare, yard work, earning an income ect are something every adult should be doing.
relationships should be bringing something positive to each other and not the unbalanced hellscape that most of us have lived thru.”
- “The men are overtly patriarchal and frame male headship as “God’s design.” The degree of sexism in evangelical spaces is becoming truly toxic.
- The men are becoming increasingly politically conservative, while the women are becoming more progressive.
- The women are highly educated and often work as bankers, lawyers, and medical professionals. To insecure men, their professional achievements make them intimidatingly “undateable.”
- Male pornography use is rampant and (rightly) unacceptable to women.
- Christian men suffer in comparison to non-Christian men, who are often more respectful, more empathetic, less misogynist, less fragile, and less Christian nationalist.
- Many of the men have underdeveloped social and emotional skills (awkward, passive, silent, low-key creepy). To use Gen Z lingo: they do not pass the vibe check.”
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Many men don’t seem to even like women
“I have a 23 year old daughter who wants to be married and have children. It’s been interesting to observe her dating experiences and I’ll tell you what I often wonder…
Why are so many young men saying they want to get married, but acting as if they don’t like women?
In my daughter’s case: there is no shortage of young men who want to take her out-but a real shortage when it comes to those ready to be emotionally available. A shortage of young men who want to get to know her and…
Show genuine interest in what interests her.
There are a lot who will want to stay in a relationship with her because of how she makes them feel, but few who will talk about how they want to contribute to her life.
Lots of takers, fewer givers.
This gets exhausting. She is dating someone, but is also saving for a house. In her heart I know she loves this guy-but is waiting for a dramatic shift one way or the other. We shall see.”
“As the mother of a young woman & as someone who’s been married nearly 25 years, I can say with 100% accuracy that these young women don’t hate men. They’d REALLY like to meet a good man & have a relationship. But they’re not willing to do what we did. They’re not willing to tie themselves to men who they’ll later discover don’t even like them or be married single mothers. They’re not willing to bring home 1/2 the bacon & always be the one cooking it. Young men need to grow up & level up.”
Women are no longer willing to settle when it comes to marriage
“I only want someone who’s put the same work into themselves and their life as I have. I don’t ask for anything that I haven’t already asked of myself. And until someone comes along that fits that criteria, I will find contentment in the life God has given me to live. I won’t waste it waiting for a person to complete me when God already has that job. And I won’t settle for less than an extension of the true love that I have experienced with God.”
“I’ll add the disclaimer that I am no man hater. Good men are a blessing to our communities, our families, and our lives. But MANY men have gotten by with the bare minimum for too long, and that’s not working anymore. They have to upskill, not just professionally, but emotionally, spiritually, etc. I think they’ll get there because they’ll have to, but I think there are a lot of women in my generation who will give up having a partner if it means showing future generations they deserve better.”
“I think a good man can bring amazing things to the table. But most have had it too easy for too long in terms of women NEEDING them and therefore having to put up with varying degrees of selfish entitled prideful behaviors. So here we are. They cannot just be NEEDED any longer. They must be WANTED. And that takes a lot of change and effort on their part. Most are not up to the challenge.”
And I’ll let this woman have the last word:
“Look, Al, I tried. I did all the things. I followed God’s call while keeping an eye out for who was “running the race beside” me. The problem is there were 3 times as many women as men. There just aren’t that many men who love Jesus that much. And it shows. And since everyone said it was better to be alone than unequally yoked, here I am.”
For a more detailed discussion of Al Mohler’s take on this article, watch our podcast episode!
I really hope Mohler sees this and has a good think, though I doubt it. Do any of these big names ever do a public mea culpa?
He did a follow up answer on April 4, in which he acknowledged the amount of feedback he had received. He specifically mentioned Christian women who said that they were having trouble getting married because a large proportion of single men were not godly, not mature, and were addicted to pornography. So, not even discussing the more “controversial” subjects of women working outside the home, or division of domestic labor. Presumably these are women who have bought into the idea of male leadership and are making a sincere effort to marry a man who will “lead” the marriage and family closer to Jesus… and single men are falling short of that standard, too. He gave a rambling kind of non-answer, but at no point did he say, “I think I got some things wrong in my first commentary on this subject.” He teaches that women should expect men to lead them closer to Christ, then blames women when they are cautious about marrying men who show no signs of being able to do that, and will in fact lead them farther away, because they have no concept of serving others or connecting with others and see a wife not as a person or a partner, but as a mechanism for fulfillment of their personal fantasies.
Sadly, in looking through his podcast website, it looks like just another opinionated person who wants to ramble at length about current events and media with little wisdom. It’s the curse of the podcast age, but you would hope that a Christian would have more wisdom.
I haven’t heard the follow-up! Oh, wow, I’ll go listen!
Not so far!
“Do any of these big names ever do a public mea culpa?”
Why should God’s Special Pet who by definition Can Do No Wrong ever stoop to that?
I suppose I’m sort of an ex-vangelical, though when I still identified as an evangelical Christian, I found myself ready to enter the dating scene after a divorce…. and thanks to something YOU said about being open to dating and trying churches outside of the evangelical world, I found myself accepting a match on match.com from a *gasp* CATHOLIC! We have now been happily dating for over 2.5 years and cannot wait until our life circumstances allow us to get married (we both have kids at home and live a little too far apart to combine households with so many kids in the mix). I have found a healthy relationship with a wonderful man after 18 years of emotional and psychological abuse I was afraid to leave because of all the toxic teachings you are fighting. Keep up the fight! You helped set me free from abuse, and you helped set me on a path to a loving relationship. On the topic of why don’t evangelical women want to date evangelical men? Well I asked my boyfriend if he’d ever heard of the book Love and Respect and he said no, it didn’t ring a bell. He’s also appalled when I explain the things I was taught about marriage and submission. THAT’S WHY. 🙂
Oh, wow! That’s really encouraging to hear. I’m so glad you’re in a healthy relationship!
These patriarchal guys will probably never acknowledge that their formula doesn’t work. But plenty of women have figured it out.
Real life example: This past week my husband and I were considering a large luxury purchase he really wanted to make. He was confident we could afford it and he usually knows that better than I do (his income varies depending on the state of his small business). We had multiple conversations about him wanting to snap up this or that great deal right away, and me saying no, we need to look at the numbers first and decide together if we want to spend this money. He agreed in principle but he got pretty upset with me at one point because he felt all the discussion it wasn’t really necessary. Well, guess what? When we actually did the math, we realized he had overlooked a sizable business expense that was about to come due, so we had far less disposable income than he had thought. We agreed immediately the splurge was off the table. But if I had treated him like the “leader” or the “tiebreaker” like the patriarchalists say, or like I once believed was my duty, we would have ended up 1000’s of dollars in the hole. Would that have “glorified God?” Would that have showed how much faith I had? Would it have been respecting my husband to let him step on a rake like that? I don’t think so. A model of marriage that tells women they can’t hold perfectly reasonable boundaries with their husbands is a model that deserves to die out.
“Would it have been respecting my husband to let him step on a rake like that?” — #chefskiss!
That is a brilliant way to sum up the stupidity of the traditionalists’ argument.
That’s such a great example!
Oh, that’s so great. Thanks for sharing.
Thinking about that one comment about young Christian men being creepy and wondering how much of that can be attributed to the authors of Every Young Men’s Battle who literally taught young men to avoid looking at women and, if I remember correctly, even encouraged them to act like “dweebs.” I bet comparing this with secular resources would yield the same results as marriage books: Gottmans teach you how to have a good marriage, Evangelical Industrial Complex teaches you how to suffer through a terrible one. I remember Rebecca commenting on Men’s Health magazine and how it offered decent advice to men on how to treat women. I bet Men’s Health would advise you to look into her eyes instead of her breasts, whereas Every Man’s Battle tells you to not look at her at all by bouncing your eyes. And now I’m baffled as to how anyone ever even got to marriage without the most basic social skills?
P.S. This other comment from the blog deserves a prize: “They’re not willing to bring home 1/2 the bacon & always be the one cooking it.”
Forgive my ignorance, but what are “dweebs”?
Dorks, nerds, etc.?
Marrying an evangelical man was literally the most destructive thing I’ve done in my life.
After what I’ve been through, I would tell women that engaging in fornication is actually a less-bad decision than tying themselves to the “men” created by that evil, misogynistic culture.
Oh my gosh, I agree 100%! Married 22 years and now dating a “non-evangelical” for three years, the scales have fallen, I see so clearly now how messed up the whole mindset is. I’m so mad I gave so much of my life to beliefs that ultimately hurt me and my children. And now see that what was “unthinkable sin” doesn’t necessarily rank “higher” on the sin scale as us being taught that we as wives are to be submissive punching bags for Gods glory.
I have two young adult daughters I am now trying to un-teach and correct, it’s not easy, that’s for sure!
Have you read She Deserves Better with them yet? Or given it to them so you can start a convo about how you raised them? A lot of parents have found that really healing!
Young woman of dating age here. It’s rough. I know I want to marry, so I keep an eye out, but I’m almost certainly the kind of woman many young Christian men have been taught to find intimidating (loud, opinionated, feminist, math major looking to get a Ph.D. sooner rather than later). Mohler’s everything does no one any favors. I would love to find a good, smart Christian man (who’s attractive to me! That’s important too). It’s what I mean by “good” that’s the hard part. Maybe if these pastors helped young men be better, they would see more marriages. Instead they just want to drag women back down.
“They’re not willing to bring home 1/2 the bacon and always be the one cooking it”. Yup, about sums it up.
My husband is a Christian, but he didn’t grow up in the church, nor did he grow up in the southern American Evangelical culture like I did. He’s wonderful and lovely and gentle and supportive of my dreams, we sharpen each other’s wits and intellect and push each other towards our individual dreams, and we always work to build each other up. I feel like we’re partners, not king and servant in the way that evangelical culture prepared me for.
I thank God that my husband didn’t grow up in the church. Isn’t that kind of screwed up? That I’m GLAD about the church not playing any formative role in his development? It’s kind of bewildering when I think about it. It’s like I’ve grown up in some kind of bizarro world where married couples don’t actually treat each other with love.
Analysis of JoB’s comment…
It seems that Mohler is saying marry any man who at least CLAIMS to be Christian, then God will magically make him a capable leader even if he currently acts exactly the opposite. I somehow doubt that will happen very often.
“I somehow doubt that will happen very often.”
That’s because you’re thinking in The Flesh(TM) and Mohler is moving in The Spirit(TM). (And I’m sure there’s a Bible Verse he can quote to Prove It.)
The dogma of Instantaneous Total Sanctification where you instantly become so Spiritual you cease to be Physical.
Magical Thinking is endemic among Christians.
Especially (like Job’s Counselors) those who have Never been there for real.
Why does everything with evangelical preachers have to be a ‘five-alarm fire’? Doesn’t research show that constant crisis framing is often a control tactic?
I’ve thought that too! It’s a way to get attention.
“Why does everything with evangelical preachers have to be a five-alarm fire?’
1) When all you have are First World Problems, your hindbrain still retains the Survival mode and you will react to minor inconveniences as if they are Life-or-Death threats.
2) Drama Queening. (Which does relate to (1) above as constant Drama-rama breaks the boredom.)
3) “See How Important *I* Am?”
4) What Strauss & Howe called “the 4,782nd URGENT EMERGENCY THAT MUST BE FIXED BY YESTERDAY1!!!!”
Hey Shiela! Love this article, I consider myself well mannered,chivalrous,and I have the passionate heart that desires me to provide for my wife out of selfless love.id hate to see her work hard while I not do as much, but I’ve decided whenever I meet my future wife,I’ll work for her so much more out of love. But also I want to hear your thoughts, leveled down,what are some things you can give a young single man like me to prepare to provide for my future wife? What should I anticipate to prepare for her so she feels safe,loved and unstressed?
Hi Blaise! Obviously, I’m not Sheila, but I thought I’d chime in with my 2 cents as a single woman regarding what I would look for as some markers of being able to meet me as an equal partner and love me well:
1. Does this man know how to cook and clean well? Is he willing to do that on a consistent basis?
2. If I want kids, does this man have the skills to nurture children and teach them how to be healthy, fully functioning adults?
3. Does this man have close male friends that he shares his heart with?
4. Is this man aware of his emotions and knows how to regulate them?
5. Does this man consistently listen to the people he’s in a conversation with and ask them thoughtful questions?
6. Does this man notice the “little things” that need to be done and that no one’s doing, and then does them? (e.g., wipes down the tables after the church potluck, returns the cart somebody else left so it doesn’t bang up a stranger’s car, etc.)
7. Does this man know how to work on a team project with other people? Does he know how to come up with his own ideas and argue them, while also listening to other people’s perspectives and being willing to change or modify his view when appropriate?
8. Does this man know how to resolve interpersonal conflict?
9. Does this man consistently pursue God and is consistently being influenced by Him?
For me, these are some of the main skills/habits that I would want to see a partner have to know if he is willing and able to love me well. If there are some skills that you need to grow in (I know I certainly have some), then asking God which one to start with and then pursuing growth in that area might be a good place to start preparing for loving your future wife well (or if He brings up something else first, obviously follow the Spirit’s leading). 🙂
Thank you so much SB, I can say I have about half of those skills, I only ask because I worry so badly I’ll be a bad future husband or drive my wife away.So I want to have so many things checked off for her happiness and comfort. I just want to have all the skills and traits checked off
Something to watch out for is behaving one way whilst dating then completely stopping almost all the behaviors once married. Sometimes the excitement and newness of a relationship has us behaving on our “best” behavior but that isn’t sustainable long-term. If you give your girlfriend flowers, then continue doing that once married. If you have long talks whilst dating, continue them once you’re married. Things may change- perhaps you can no longer afford flowers, perhaps kids or jobs come along that impede the time available to talk as much for a season. But at least be aware of it and discuss that with your wife.
Many women have married the man our boyfriends portrayed themselves as only to learn they stopped all the appealing behaviors (being kind, treating us respectfully, doing adult things like chores, talking to us, etc.) and took up entitled behaviors (expecting sex without ever talking to us, never cleaning up after themseves, etc.) In dating, be who you are so she can give an honest yes or no to living a life together.
Correct- I’ve heard that many times with Shelia’s articles,as well as J’s from HHH AND Julie from IIM, however I want to mention the way I as a man am wired is that’d be such a painful thing for me to do,especially to a woman I’ve waitied so long to cherish and love and spoil, I couldn’t bear the thought of neglecting her even in small ways. I guess my testimony is rolling out that the Lord is keeping me in this season to cling to her,whenever I meet her,so tightly that I’ll do anything to let her feel loved and cared for and cherished and adored, that’s what I desire. I want her to be happy and loved and cherished. And I truly think now my extremely long season of my often painful loneliness and singleness is allowing me to save more love and care for her to last a lifetime. I know that sounds washy but it’s the best way I can describe it SB. -but overall I cannot thank you for your 2 cents, it joys my heart to hear this honest feedback, I just want for the future to have a lifelong never severed loving marriage that never endures any heartbreak of any type
As a Christian woman who is in the process of getting divorced after more than 20 years of an abusive marriage, I can’t ever see myself getting married again. I was severely abused, according to multiple DV experts, and for a good chunk of my marriage the church blamed ME for our marriage problems…
He yelled at me for several hours the night before? Obviously you weren’t submissive enough.
He’s doing things in the bedroom that you hate? It’s your job to learn to like it!
He shoved me against the wall? Clearly you weren’t being respectful.
The misogyny both in the church and the world at large is disgraceful. The posts that come across my social media feeds is enough to turn my stomach. This terrible behavior isn’t just from my STBX and my church, but is everywhere! Yes, I realize algorithms are at play, but even so, things are so much worse than I ever imagined. Or maybe they’ve gotten worse over the last 20+ years while I was in survival mode.
I REFUSE to enter into a relationship where I will be treated as a servant and not an equal. I will NOT be the breadwinner while a man playing video games barks orders at me and constantly criticizes everything I do. I will not cook and clean for a man who won’t do his half. I will not take part in humiliating sex. I will not put up with being screamed at for hours. I will not be part of a relationship where I am not allowed to question his spending — especially when I am the only one bringing in the money! I will not be the only one working and put up with a lazy man telling me that I am not allowed to hire a housecleaner that I can afford because it’s MY job to clean, and he’s not going to let me be that lazy. I will not let a man tell me who to vote for. He does NOT get two votes because he’s married to me. I get my own **** vote!!!
All of this is GARBAGE. I refuse to take part in any of it. I’m soooo much happier living on my own. Being a single mom is SOOOO much easier than being married to a man who refuses to do anything and who thinks he deserves ALL the benefits of being married while I’m supposed to suffer and serve and be happy about it. No way. That’s ridiculous.
I am valuable and I do not deserve to live like that. I am worth far more than that!
EOF, just reading your comment as a single man breaks my heart and infuriates me at your ex husband, how dare he even have the audacity to treat you in such a way. I deeply offer you my sincerest of care for your horrible experiences, no woman, let alone daughter of the Lord Jesus Christ ever deserves what you endured.I hope with my whole heart you can heal yourself and eventually forgive him-but most importantly the best part is you’re safe from that now,under the care of Christ ❤️
You are worth more than that, EOF! I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, and I hope you’re able to enjoy the next little while and just heal.
Thank you both.
Sheila, reading your blog was the first step in deconstructing the idea that I had to submit to my husband in everything.
Blaise, it’s encouraging to know there are good men out there. I appreciate your kind words.
I resonate so much with this quote:
“Look, Al, I tried. I did all the things. I followed God’s call while keeping an eye out for who was “running the race beside” me. The problem is there were 3 times as many women as men. There just aren’t that many men who love Jesus that much. And it shows. And since everyone said it was better to be alone than unequally yoked, here I am.”
Add to that, I’ve been told that I’m intimidating because I own my own business. So, I’m 47, never-married, and had my early dating days skewed by Passion and Purity along with I Kissed Dating Goodbye (and other books on your blacklist).
Are there any healthy dating books for adults that you would recommend?