Today I want to revisit a rather controversial topic. Except “want” is really not the right word. I’d love to run as far away from this one as possible. But I keep being asked about sex toys, and I haven’t written about them in a long time, and my thinking has evolved a little bit. And so I’m going to jump in.
So here goes: Can Christians Use Sex Toys?
I want to make it clear from the outset, though, that I am giving my opinion. I do not claim to speak for God. When I was researching The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I had to think about this and give my opinion in the book, and I did. So what I have to say has been the conclusion that I have come to after speaking at marriage conferences, reading, and praying.
First, the context.
I believe that God created sex to connect us on three levels: the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual.
And sex works best when all three are involved! That doesn’t mean that every time you make love the earth has to move and you have to feel like you don’t know where one of you ends and the other begins, but the sum total of your sex life should connect you not just physically, but spiritually as well. You should feel connected when you make love.
As I’ve been thinking through some of the most common thorny questions I get, then, like masturbation or sex toys or whether a certain sexual act is permitted or not, I tend to come back to principles, not to rules (because I actually don’t think there are a lot of rules for this stuff). So let’s start with a few principles:
We’re talking about wisdom, not about sin
I tend to rely on Paul’s logic when he said:
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.
In fact, Paul meant that so much he said it twice! (He says something very similar in 1 Corinthians 6:12–everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial).
Because we’re talking about wisdom and not about sin, we each need to come to these answers ourselves. You don’t have to agree with me; you should wrestle through it. And what works for some may not work for others, because we all have different weaknesses and different strengths and just plain different circumstances. So I’d like to focus on how we can think this through with wisdom.
Why are Sex Toys So Popular?
Maybe that’s a dumb and naive question to ask, because likely a lot of people are saying, “If you don’t understand, maybe you should try some!” And I get it. But let’s just take a philosophical step back for a minute.
Sex without intimacy is only about orgasm.
Now, orgasm is great! Everyone wants great physical highs. But when we disconnect the physical from the intimate we lose something.
I have a theory about what’s happening with sex in the wider culture, and it revolves around this intimacy aspect of sex. We know that vulnerability is the key to passion. When you’re able to truly bare yourself in every way, you feel closer on every level, and that fuels desire. We found, for instance, in our survey for The Great Sex Rescue that women who felt emotionally close to their husbands during sex were far more likely to orgasm and have a higher libido. But vulnerability can’t just be produced on command. You need to have trust, and you need to have emotional and physical safety in a relationship. When that’s missing, sex won’t seem as passionate. And in the wider culture, many having sex do not have that emotional and physical safety because there’s no commitment.
So what’s one to do? Push the physical boundaries to try to recreate that erotic high that’s missing because vulnerability is missing. Incidentally, I think this is often why BDSM and physical vulnerability plays such a huge role in sex play. You recreate physically what should be true emotionally, but isn’t. And you get that erotic high in another way. (Again, that’s not to make a pronouncement on BDSM in your relationship; only to say that I think there’s a bigger picture going on here).
Now I’m not saying it’s wrong for for christians to have fun, or to stretch your limits, or even to stretch during sex :)! I’m just saying that our culture emphasizes the physical, and misses out on the deep spiritual connection from sex that we should experience.
Because the culture emphasizes the physical, it’s easy for us as Christians to start thinking that way, too. And if we’re concentrating just on the physical, it’s also easy for sex to become shallow. Where you don’t feel valued or loved; you just feel used.
That’s the background. Now for some questions to help us navigate this ourselves.
1. Do sex toys detract from intimacy or enhance it?
Are you having a great time in your marriage, but you just want some spicing up? You feel super close to each other, but you just want to increase the fun quotient, and you find sex toys do that? That’s great.
Or are you suffering from some physical issues that make certain sexual acts, like intercourse, prohibitive? And sex toys (in this case I’d almost prefer the archaic words “marital aids”) help things happen? Or help you feel like you’re still connecting? That’s awesome.
But I still have a few more questions:
2. Are sex toys enabling shortcuts in our marriage?
Most sex toys (not all by any means) are really masturbatory in nature. They help you have an orgasm.
Now, like I said, orgasms are great! But if sex toys are allowing you both to avoid doing some serious work in your sexual and emotional relationship that needs to be done, then they’re actually detracting from intimacy.
Are sex toys allowing you to take physical shortcuts?
We talk in The Orgasm Course about how it’s really important to know what an orgasm feels like in order to learn how to reach orgasm regularly with your husband. If you’ve been married 15 years and you’ve never had an orgasm, and you want to go buy a vibrator so you just find out what it feels like, that can help you learn to reach orgasm because at least you know what feelings to look for.
But just because a woman can orgasm to a vibrator does not mean that she can orgasm to anything her husband is doing. And if he finds it easier to use a vibrator on her than to figure out how to actually stimulate her, in the long run that’s probably going to feel empty. (And I’ve got a longer post on vibrators specifically, too).
Similarly, many couples where he suffers from premature ejaculation will use sex toys to help her get hot and heavy before they start anything that will stimulate him. Again, that can be a good plan. But if they then don’t put the work in to find exercises to help with premature ejaculation or explore any treatment options, then eventually this may feel like it’s a poor substitute.
The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!
Figure out what’s holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
Are sex toys allowing you to take emotional shortcuts?
Some sex toys are so powerful you’ll orgasm pretty much no matter what. Some are used in “play” that create a scenario where you don’t feel like yourself and you’re able to enjoy sex almost as someone else (or at least with a different dynamic with your spouse).
This means that sex can technically “work”, and everyone can feel physically great, even if there are major problems emotionally in your relationship. You won’t have to feel emotionally or spiritually close for sex to work. You won’t have to be emotionally vulnerable, but you can hold back.
And that can end up widening the gulf between you.
The need for emotional intimacy to make sex great is one of the drives that helps us bridge our emotional gaps. If we want to connect sexually, we’ll have to connect emotionally too. Make sure the dynamic in your marriage is not one where you’ve avoiding having those hard conversations, but you’re still having hot sex, so you feel connected when you’re actually not.
3. Are sex toys fuelling dissatisfaction with each other?
Most guys aren’t that big. And they can’t vibrate like that. You don’t ever want to start preferring something else to your husband!
Or is sexual play revolving so much around role play that you’re starting to worry that you don’t actually want each other anymore?
Or is one of you way more into them than the other, and once you’ve said yes to one thing, suddenly a big catalog on a website keeps being pulled up and more packages are arriving in the mail, and the other is feeling distinctly uncomfortable. If consent is becoming an issue, then step very, very far away from them. If a spouse uses a sex toy on you without your consent, even if you orgasm from it, that is still a form of sexual assault, and it isn’t right. We talked about this at length in The Great Sex Rescue as well.
4. Are sex toys dehumanizing?
This is a hard one to explain, because there is such a primal element to sex where it gets “hotter” when you are just using each other sometimes, or feeling used. When you become pure pleasure. I get that.
But when power becomes its own aphrodisiac–either having power over someone else or someone else having power over you–there is a disruption in intimacy. Intimacy means that you are completely seen. As I said, that vulnerability can be recreated with sex toys, but it can be a false vulnerability. Intimacy is two people wanting to truly know each other, which means both people matter. If sex becomes primarily about one person degrading the other, or treating the other like an object, that can become a problem, especially if this becomes the main way you relate to each other.
If you have to humiliate someone else, or make them feel uncomfortable, to get aroused or truly enjoy sex, there is an underlying issue there that needs to be addressed.
So there you have it: my big picture questions about sex toys.
For some of you they won’t be great, and for some of you they very well may be! I’m not saying you shouldn’t use them. You may be even thinking to yourself, “the thing that I want to use wouldn’t even fall under those categories”. Again, wonderful! I’m not trying to pronounce a blanket statement. I’m just trying to issue a cautionary warning: remember, studies have shown that what feels the best is two people in a committed marriage feeling emotionally connected during sex. It’s not two people stretching more and more boundaries.
There is nothing wrong with fun; fun is good. Driving your spouse wild is great! But there is something wrong with making sex into something that’s purely physical, or that’s degrading or detracting from intimacy. How you find that line is really between you and your husband. But I just urge you to think about those things, and make sure that intimacy at all levels is always the focus.
If you really want to make sex hot, think about trying 31 Days to Great Sex! There’s lots on how to feel connected in every way, how to talk about fantasies, how to spice things up–but all while feeling very intimate.
Do you want MORE for your sex life?
The 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge was written to help you spice it up in the bedroom!
Try new things, explore each other, and turn on those fireworks!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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Interesting post. I have been thinking about this because my wife and I bought what seems to be a sex toy by mistake. It was sold as a massager but when we read the box after it seems that it can be used in “various” ways. I honestly wished my wife would like to try it but we have talked about it. My wife says the same thing you do here, what if she starts to like it more than my penis. My penis can’t vibrate like that thing.
So we are not going to use it for more than back massages.
I like what you say about sex and intimacy and that orgasms aren’t everything. I recently had an experience with my wife during sex. For some reason I had a difficult time orgasming. I was enjoying everything and I felt so connected to my wife and she got to orgasm but I didn’t feel a need for an orgasm. Emotionally It felt so great. Like I had an “emotional orgasm” because when my wife had orgasmed I just wanted to enjoy her even without penetration. It felt like I already had an orgasm. It was really great. I am still learning and changing my way of thinking that sex is more than the physical so this was a great experience.
The only thing that made it bad was that my wife took me not having an orgasm personal. It really didn’t have anything to do with her. I was using a condom and I was very tired so that made orgasm less important but the sex very good.
I really do laugh at those “personal massage wands” ads.
And I hear you about your last paragraph. Sometimes the gift and enjoying your spouse’s reaction is really what matters.
There’s a lot of discussion happening over on Facebook, but I thought I’d bring one comment I left there over here. A woman was saying that I was shaming to women who enjoy vibrators and can only orgasm to one. If orgasming without a vibrator takes 40 minutes of clenching muscles, then why shame people for wanting a vibrator?
Here was my response: “I understand this. It’s such a fine line to write it well, and I know I didn’t say it perfectly. I get so many emails from women whose husbands simply won’t try foreplay. They won’t do oral sex (even if that can make her climax quickly) and won’t do much of anything else, because now they have a quick fix. I get it if it takes someone 40 minutes without the vibrator. But for many couples, it’s not 40 minutes, and he still won’t do it. That’s what I hear again and again. Also, studies repeatedly show that women in same sex relationships orgasm roughly 90% of the time, almost twice the rate as heterosexual relationships. the issue doesn’t seem to be women’s ability to orgasm for most couples (I’m not saying this is you; just for most) as much as it is that the two of them have never figured it out together. And most of these women would really rather that their husbands put in the work (that’s why they write; “how do I get my husband to do this?”) This also comes up over and over again in our surveys. So I do think that for many couples there’s a short cut going on that she is not happy with, and I just want to make sure that I’m advocating for those women, too. A blanket, “sex toys are great; if they help you orgasm, then do it!” is really not what those women want to hear. So it’s just different for different people, but I do want to make sure that I advocate for them as well. Those who enjoy sex toys and are using them are already having a good time; so I do want to help the others who may need the prodding to be able to say, “can we try without the vibrator again?” I hope that makes sense.”
I think this was the best responses to this topic I have ever read! Well done!!
I have so appreciated your book and your teaching on sex and intimacy. Both hubby and I have read it and it’s been so eye opening.
Question: can premature ejaculation be caused by other issues like low testosterone and not porn. Over the last few years that has become an issue and he doesn’t use or struggle porn anymore as he did early on. But he had his T levels checked and they are super low and deals with the premature ejaculation issue now after not having that for the first 15 years (including when he did struggle with porn). I ended up buying a massager thinking it would help if needed but never used it because of what you described here. We realized there was some unresolved trauma on my end and just unresolved issues that we have been working on. It’s a super difficult conversation to approach because I don’t want to make him feel worse but sometimes it doesn’t seem like he is interested in helping his levels. We honestly can’t afford the treatments that he looked into. He is incredibly giving in bed and hates when it doesn’t come to an orgasm for me. He is also a very loving man and wants this to be a good thing for us. That said, we have also been trying to address the intimacy issues as well and not make the orgasm thing as much the goal, even though it is important.
I love him so much. I want our sex life to be an example of all 3 things like you talk about.
Hi Anonymous! In regards to your PE question, yes, definitely. With PE, it’s important not to jump to porn as the culprit. PE is actually the male sexual dysfunction that is the least correlated with porn (erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation are far more implicated with porn use). There are techniques you can try that can help, and talking to a physician may help too. It could be testosterone; it could also be something else. Does the testosterone help the PE go away?
I would look into the start and stop technique or the squeeze technique which can often mitigate PE. It may be that you don’t need medication to deal with it. And I’m so sorry that you’re going through this!
Another comment came in through Facebook anonymously for me to share:
“For nearly all of my 11 year marriage, we used a vibrator in order for me to finish. I once went to a conference of yours and heard a very different version of your sex toy talk that said that true love making should go buzz…it got in my head and for years, it bothered me that I couldn’t have an orgasm without it and I questioned our sex life many times after that. I knew it wasn’t that fun for me, it was sex and I wanted deeply intimate passion I wasn’t getting.
Turns out, he was a porn addict and our relationship was not intimate and it was just sex, no wonder it was so unfulfilling.
Fast forward to post divorce and my new marriage…my second husband is the most loving and caring man who truly desires me and makes love to me in the most intimate way. His eyes are on me and looking deep within, his body is moving to find connection and become one with me, it’s the best love making I’ve ever experienced because it’s truly intimate and about love not just sex. I have never once had to use a vibrator with him, my mind is so into what he does that orgasm is easy to achieve. I nearly always have one when we make love unless it’s a night that I choose to spoil him only. It’s sooooo much better with a real intimacy and no dirty secrets between us. And no sex toys needed. Just passion.”
(And I just want to reply: I’m not entirely sure what she means by her first paragraph. I have a line I’ve been saying identically since 2012 in my Girl Talk, where I say that great sex shouldn’t really require batteries (I then give caveats). I don’t actually remember ever using the word buzz. But she obviously took something different from it, and I’m so sorry, and I shall try to say it very differently and more clearly! It again shows that this topic is so multifaceted, with one commenter saying that I should say more pro-vibrator, and one saying that I should say more anti-vibrator!).
Great article! My husband became disabled eight years ago. Our sex life has taken some adjusting because of his chronic pain. We have toys and use them when his pain is particularly high but he still wants to be intimate. His medications often dictate his being in the mood or able to perform, so I take my lead from him. He has always had a higher sex drive than I have, but I have always enjoyed our time together. I never have and never will use them without my husband present. It will *never* take the place of my dear, sweet husband who is a very selfless lover.
Thanks for a great article!
With all due respect, Shelia, I wonder if you’re so focused on married people in this blog post that you’ve forgotten that single people are Christians as well. Maybe a better title could be “Can married Christians Use Sex Toys?” or “Can Christians in Relationships Use Sex Toys?”
I realize that you are focused on such relationships, but as a single Christian who’s not likely to ever get married and/or have children, and yet is still interested in these issues – I can’t find the words to say what I want to get across without running the risk of hurting someone or saying it the wrong way.
I love that you’re talking about this today too! I just released a podcast episode with Dr. Celeste Holbrook talking about sex and novelty. You make some great points here, and I like how you call them “marital aids” when that’s what they are used for. But I also think there is so much stigma with toys that we have such a hard time imagining them to be GOOD and useful and beneficial for our sex lives. For someone who has dealt with Vaginismus they were a game changer for me and my marriage.
I think the “why” is the important issue. Are you trying to get closer together or further apart?
Are you trying to bridge the gap between physical experiences or are you trying to paste over issues? Does she take so long to climax without a vibrator that non-vibrator intimacy will inevitably be a chore for both? Or does she take a reasonable amount of time and he’s insistent on her being on his schedule?
Is the lack of physical reaction the effect or the cause of a lack of emotional intimacy? If lack of physical pleasure causes emotional distance, focusing on the emotional damage of a marital aid might be the wrong take. However, a vibrator can only ever solve a physical problem, not an emotional one.
I breastfed 3 children, then inexplicably had low milk supply with my 4th. It broke my heart. I turned over every stone seeking answers. Finally, I had to face the fact that my bits weren’t up to the task. I had to use an SNS (supplemental nursing system) and donated EBM (expressed breast milk). It was sad, but I loved my baby no less. After 4 amazing homebirths and 3 successful rounds of breastfeeding, there was something about accepting my human frailty and limitation that was valuable, even in my sadness.
Sometimes our sex bits can be not up to scratch. You can look under every stone to find solutions. But I think for some folks, sex toys could be part of a short term solution or long term management. Because we’re flawed, imperfect, complicated, damaged and sometimes we’re just freakin’ not the success story, and it’s ok to need an assist.
My huz had a hernia repair as a young man when his workaholic dad was slave-driving him. During the surgery, the surgeon made an error and restricted his vas deferens. A shy boy very much under the thumb of his domineering Dad, he had a hard time convincing his surgeon that his bits didn’t work as much as before. He was dismissed. He was unable to assert himself in a macho, patriarchal, hierarchical culture. This has greatly impacted his sexual confidence.
Complex. Imperfect. Damaged. We fail at stuff. I think it’s ok to need technical assistance with stuff when our bits fail. Even lubrication is an example – obviously it’s ideal if our natural arousal fluid and lubrication is sufficient, but there’s no shame in using some extra glide when needed, right? *as well as* addressing underlying reasons why natural lubrication is not happening as you’d like.
I had all natural (ecstatic) births. As a doula, would I ever shame a birthing client for wanting or needing an epidural or any other intervention or assistance? Of course not. So I reckon sex toys are just fine if guess what, you and huz are not the on-fire super hot sex success story of the century, and it can support your intimacy rather than detract from it.
Can childbirth and breastfeeding assists and intervention (and therefore, sex assists) be over-used and overly depended upon, to the detriment of the natural process, messing up the natural hormones? For sure. So there’s a balance, and obviously and ideally, natural is best.
I succeeded at natural conception3/4, succeeded at natural birth 4/4, succeeded at natural breastfeeding 3/4 … enough for me to experience human frailty and failure to help me empathize with my clients … and with my huz.
This was a perfectly worded post imo. I’ve only experience 4 or 5 non-vibrator orgasms in my life (1 of which I experienced at age 15 while doing core exercises, & the rest I experienced during PIV with my husband while manually/externally stimulating myself AFTER I’d experienced an orgasm via a vibrator many times).
I don’t really consider my “first” orgasm at 15 to be my “first” because 1) it was from exercise & was 100% involuntary/nothing I tried to make happen (plus it was super small and only lasted for maybe 5 seconds), and 2) I was never able to replicate it even when I tried to after we got married. So by my standards, I experienced my first orgasm at 29 after 4 years of marriage and 10 years of being with my husband and being sexual with him to some degree (like trying manual stimulation with him when we were dating… technically not “sex” in my mind at that time since it wasn’t vaginal penetration). In those 10 years we’d been sexual together & especially once we got married when our sexual experimenting really amped up, I never experienced an orgasm. Looking back now, I know it’s cuz I wasn’t mentally aroused enough (something I still struggle with. I seem to have a VERY high threshold for how much arousal I require in order to orgasm sans vibrator) & because I never did and still don’t give myself much time for foreplay & getting ready for sex. But having that first orgasm from a vibrator was a HUUUUUGE breakthrough for me. I proved to me my body wasn’t broken (though instilled in me the idea that something probably was “broken” in my relationship… like my arousal for/attraction to my husband: a relationship issue). So on that front for women who are just desperate to experience an orgasm, I highly recommend a vibrator.
You stated this:
“But just because a woman can orgasm to a vibrator does not mean that she can orgasm to anything her husband is doing. And if he finds it easier to use a vibrator on her than to figure out how to actually stimulate her, in the long run that’s probably going to feel empty. (And I’ve got a longer post on vibrators specifically, too).”
Now 2 years on since experiencing my first orgasm, my husband is solidly in the camp of using the vibrator all the time when we have sex & not even trying to figure out my body or mind or how to arouse me. I know why he resorts to this: 1) he’s a very techie/machine-oriented guy & will outsource any work he can in any area of his life if it means he has to physically/mentally/emotionally do less of the heavy lifting (very practical of him. No shocker that he’s an engineer), 2) he knows his body/physical presents doesn’t arouse me sexually (in fact, it greatly works against him. Looking past his body is probably my greatest hindrance when I’m trying to get myself aroused and in the mood) which greatly demoralizes both of us and really hurts his perception of self, and 3) we have a 4yo, 2yo, & newborn baby #3 is expected in the coming weeks, so time isn’t always (aka never!) on our side. Honestly, we’d both rather sleep more right now than have a 1+ hour sex session (which is bare minimum what it would take to get me there without a vibe). Even though I’m grateful he wants me to orgasm each time we have sex (which I do too! I mean, I’ve been missing out on YEARS of orgasms & I want to make up for that!), the more time passes, the more I hate only being able to orgasm from a vibrator. And like you state in the post, it not about the orgasm itself (though I’d say that’s 75% of it). It’s about his willingness to put in the time and effort into me (something he’s never really done sexually even when we were younger. He seems to think I/women take too long and they should be more like men time-wise in bed). It’s really depressing. So in the moment when he’s about to cum & I still haven’t but desperately want to (& know that I’ll be lying in bed for the next several hours if I don’t cum now, ruminating over our lacklustre sex life and connection), I’ll accept the vibrator orgasm. But when the next day comes, I always regret the type of sex we had the previous night and end up being angry at my husband to some degree because I feel unloved and like he doesn’t think I’m worth the time it takes to make orgasm.
I’ve gone on “vibrator/orgasm strikes” before, but those never seem to last more than a couple weeks because my husband says he can’t stand me when my sexual frustration builds for too many weeks (plus, my will-power to say no to the vibrator eventually gets to be too much and I give in).
Looking back, I’m still glad I got a vibrator cuz without it I know I’d still have never experienced an orgasm. But at least at this moment & given the state of our relationship dynamic and the arousal/connection issues we have in our marriage, there are plenty of times I wish I could just throw the vibe away.
And for the record, the only vibrator I own is a rabbit style which is perfect to use during PIV. I don’t really find it satisfying on its own, so it’s not like I have a temptation to masturbate with it or use it in ways that doesn’t involve my husband.
MD;Hi.I have E.D. and so obviously it’s difficult to connect physically with my wife but we keep trying.I feel guilty because I self stimulate for orgasm .I stimulate my wife and that gives us at least some intimacy.It’s difficult when dealing with E.D. and also dealing with guilt.Thanks
Nice article
I’m going to suggest a different approach.
I totally agree that it is about basic principles, not rules! But, framing the questions like you did seems to assume that toys will cause problems and you need to fit into some exception to get the reluctant ok to use them.
I’d would suggest just focusing on the principles instead, period.
Is your spouse concerned with taking the time to figure out what you want and what feels good?
Do you feel that you can speak up if you ever feel uncomfortable with anything, and know that your spouse will respect that? Do you only proceed with the enthusiastic consent of both of you?
Do you and your spouse make the relationship and emotional intimacy a priority, along with physical pleasure?
Are you doing things that are physically safe?
The toys are like any other aspect of physical intimacy. If the answer to these questions is yes, it’s good. If the answer is no, it’s bad.
I’m currently in a long distance relationship with my partner of 9 months we met online and we both believe were both an answer to each other’s prayers. Communication is great, our spiritual walk is amazing now my question lies in the sexual side of thing we enjoy each other’s energy, I’d like to know if sexting is right in the eyes of God, I’m open to receiving wisdom and will pray about this
Hi Bob, I think the time to work on sex is once you are married. Right now the point is to figure out if you are emotionally and practically a good fit, and then figure out the future together.
Shila, thanks for your thoughts on this subject, and for taking the time to write it for others.
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years (same woman), and have a fairly consistent intimate time with my wife.
She has not yet been able to experience orgasm. We have tried a few things, but she isn’t highly motivated.
She really, I feel has told herself that she just can’t do it. We tried oral stimulation, etc, but nothing.
I want her to experience the joy of sex, and even her Dr. said get a vibrator and give it a go.
We tried one, but she said it either did nothing, or it was too painful.
Sex does enjoy intercourse, she just can’t get over the line, so we don’t push it normally.
We both saved ourselves for marriage, but she grew up in a pretty sheltered life and no abuse involved.
I want to try again with a vibrator for both of our sakes, but not sure how to bring it up again.
It’s been several years since this was posted, but I’ll at leave give it a try 🙂