We often get asked to do a podcast that parents can listen to WITH their teens to talk about some of the issues we often raise.
People want a good resource and a good way to talk about important stuff with their kids, but sometimes our podcasts just aren’t appropriate for teens.
Well, it’s Rebecca here today, and my mother is just driving back from New Brunswick and her east coast vacation, so Connor and I decided to try to record just such a podcast today. Of course we have The Whole Story course that we both worked on to help start those discussions about sex and puberty with your kids, but if you want something for older kids, I hope this discussion will help!
This one’s not on YouTube since we’re filling in for my mom while she’s on vacation–and we don’t have the same equipment at our house! So it’s just audio today.
Timeline of the Podcast
0:30 Listen to this episode WITH your teens!
1:30 Rebecca and Connor’s ‘Sex-Ed’ Experiences
8:30 Multiple conversations with more information!
12:45 Toxic ways to talk about Virginity and Soul Ties
21:00 How more information can Help, not Harm
27:00 Teenagers Make Decisions Differently
33:00 Sex isn’t everything, and people will change as they grow
41:30 We want to hear from YOU about this!
Let’s Talk with your Kids about Sex!
Connor and I go into our sex-ed mix-ups and the weird stuff we believed, and then talk about the two big messages that we often hear in evangelicalism that can hurt teens whether they’re having sex or not.
Then we talk about how we plan on talking to our own kids when they’re teenagers about sex (which is hard to imagine right now since our daughter is just arriving in the next few weeks!)
You’re telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!
Talking about sex with your kids doesn’t always go smoothly.
That’s why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:
- The Whole Story puberty course
- Our Bare Marriage patreon group, if you want to support our research and getting out into new social media channels!
We’d love to know–how are YOU planning on talking to your teen about sex? Or what are you saying now? What do you wish your parents had done? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster
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We need a link to Katie’s awesome YT video about purity being not what we do with our bodies but what Jesus did with His.
https://youtu.be/e8XOFxBMx3o
I have a reputation of having an “open mouth” policy, so my Biggest concern is word pictures. I don’t want to accidentally give too much details. I don’t like secrets in general and my family had way too many, “you’ll understand when you get older”, topics. So I intend on never being part of that, and I’ve announced both pregnancies extremely early. That was so if I miscarry, im talking about it. Unlike my mom who had 2 and never ever allowed us to even speak of it. I want our kids to deal with emotions better, cause my parents dropped that part.
Clarification: I know that everyone is super sympathetic and understanding that everyone grieves differently, in miscarriages. But I lacked the examples of dealing with sad things or grief over dead pets.
My parents only displayed skill was to brush it aside, and it’s only a bit better with my grandfather’s death. My parents just never cried in front of us, and until I was an adult, I didn’t realize how important that is. My sister and I were talking about it and how it’s effected us. Its a little thought of life skill, deeply affecting mental health.
Excellent message – I will share this episode with my teenager!
One additional “correction to toxic church teaching” I think is important for teenagers, as they move into young adulthood: do NOT marry someone BECAUSE you had sex or messed around with them, as if that would fix your mistake and ‘make you whole.’ Far too many Christians have married someone who is a poor match simply because they went too far physically, and think they’re therefore ruined as a spouse for anyone else. In fact, I wonder if this is a tactic for controlling/abusive men (or women): push physical boundaries when dating so that your girlfriend or boyfriend feels spiritually obligated to marry you :/.
YES!! This happened to someone in my family. An older man from church started dating her and he aggressively pushed things too far physically, then told her she was ruined and nobody else would want her. They got married. Thankfully she is out of that situation now.
That’s a great point that we didn’t mention! I think teenagers often get the message that the best way to honour God after having sex with someone is to ‘take responsibility’ and get married. But God wants you to have a beautiful and healthy marriage with the RIGHT one. Not an obligatory marriage to the FIRST one.
Not directly related to the podcast but to the resources listed. I have the Whole Story course for both sexes. Had a fantastic time going through the younger girls course with my daughter and her friends during a weekend girls getaway. It was just the right amount of information. Recently I decided to preview the younger boys’ course and quite honestly I was just surprised it started off with a detailed description of sex. I’m not implying this is bad or wrong. I get the idea that “phew, let’s get the hard part out of the way first and the rest will seem easy.” I just don’t even remember the young girls course going into that much detail at any point by comparison! So I’m just curious as to why the different approach (or perhaps the difference in the level of details) between the two sexes in the courses.
I laughed out loud so loudly at work when Connor talked about “sword fighting” that the construction guy on site got scared and checked on me. “Sorry, just a funny podcast!”
Hahaha!!!! I thought that was funny, too. And “if the penis is a finger, why can’t it scratch?” 😆😆😆. I’m glad I knew about erection and ejaculation before marriage, but I didn’t know how much the guy had to move around to finish. Kind of like in the podcast, “do you just dip it once?” How awkward would a guy’s 1st time be if he thought he should dip it once and move his chest? I’d feel bad for him, but I can see it happening to a guy who never saw XXX stuff because that’s exactly the impression I got from PG13 movies. Like Titanic 😆😆😆.
I did have one big problem,when our children were little and asked about and were told about “where babies come from” and asked about private part differences. I discovered my son and daughter trying to imitate and figure out what I had explained to them!! Thankfully, I caught them before anything major was done, but it did seriously scare me about telling too much too young, or telling not enough and them “filling in the blanks.”
How would you handle that biggie?
I remember reading a book aimed at young kids that said something like ‘God made men’s bodies and women’s bodies different so that when they are grown up, they can fit together in a special way that means they can make a baby.’ It then went on to talk about how God meant this to happen when people are married, and while some people don’t wait until they are married, it’s best to wait because God made us and He knows what’s best for us. So giving the information, but stressing that it’s meant for grownups. I guess that might help discourage ‘experimentation’?!
I got some really weird messages growing up because my parents are not into chastity. The most pragmatic was: whatever you do, don’t get AIDS and don’t get pregnant. There was some grossness about how men want it, without the corresponding message of – that is on them to handle.
I really wish there had been some discussion about religion and WHY God made sex and why there are rules around it.
I wish there had been some discussion of the ways in which men manipulate young women. “This is manipulative and you ‘handle’ it by leaving this person” would have gone a long way. Making women be gatekeepers or ignoring the very clear words she uses are manipulation 101.
Ya know, you guys are clearly just killing time till Sheila gets back. Look at these ridiculously easy topics you picked for yourselves. Why not do something really challenging next time? *end sarcasm*
This will be a great conversation starter for my husband and I. Our oldest is in grade school but we need to get mentally prepared!
I guess I’m still confused about the pleasure part of sex, how & when it’s appropriate to incorporate that information. I have all girls who have not been openly exploring or even curious so the topic hasn’t come up naturally as I was expecting. I thought there would be some exploration & then it would be a seamless opportunity to validate the feelings & provide some discussion regarding privacy & then answer any questions.
So how & when does a person broach a conversation that hasn’t come up organically.
My girls are still young, between 4 & 8.
The convo on teens’ brains and development and focus, was good, and i think a good approach.
Something i wish would’ve been made clear though, instead of flippant comments that made them sound like equals—teenager and premarital adult sex are very different considerations and conversations.
Also, virginity can’t be taken—that’s assult. So much stock in the virginity label is problematic in itself, it’s a purity culture and letter of the law construct, but at least please, it’s not something we “lose” by choice and it certainly can’t be “taken.”
I think an important part missing in the future teen sex conversation is that we also strive for sexual purity because God says we should.
Will God forever reject us if we slip up? Will he even reject us momentarily if we go to far? No.
I think forgetting this grace of god is what has made the “virginity” conversation so toxic. God’s love and power is not so fragile that it depends solely on if you’re a virgin or not.
But is chastity important? Yes.
But if we live trying to please God out of our love for Him , we will find a higher meaning besides all of the logical and more obvious practical reasons mentioned in the podcast.
Agreed!
Excellent episode!
Oh my, I could give you the How Not To Tell Your Daughter About Sex talk! It’s a wonder I wasn’t put off for life. For a start, it was ONE talk, which covered everything from starting my period to having a baby. I was 11 and my mother gave me WAY too much information in some ways (seriously, no 11 year old on this planet wants to hear a graphic account of their parents’ wedding night!) and way too little in others (I was left with no real knowledge of what sex involved or how you got pregnant – vague warnings about not touching ‘down there’ and being careful using public toilets gave me the vague idea that if I used a bathroom straight after a man did, I might get pregnant!!!) She casually mentioned ‘blood starting to flow’ when I had my period, so from then till I started 2 years later, I was terrified every time I went out – I had daily nosebleeds where the blood suddenly gushed out at top speed, so I assumed it was going to be the same quantity/speed coming out the other end!!!
I was about 16 before I understood the basics of reproduction – I remember sneaking a book that was meant for 7-9 year olds off our church library stall because I felt so vulnerable not knowing the answers, but was too ashamed and embarrassed to ask anyone. Parents, if you’re too embarrassed to have a direct talk with your kids, PLEASE order them some good resources for them to read.
I was just considering the idea of sending my daughter (now in 6th grade) back to school in high school. I know she’d be required to take the Positive Prevention Plus sex Ed course and that is so explicit. Even just trying to watch Whole Story with her or mention how we’re built makes her squeamish. And then there’s my high schooler who identifies as a non-binary trans boy and doesn’t like the binary sex Ed info. (I briefly tried to get him to watch the guys version to understand the guy friends and what guys are like but it didn’t get very far. Very confusing situation to deal with.
I am a blind Christian young adult who was encouraged by a friend to listen to this. As blind people, we don’t always pick up on certain concepts. For example, I thought that ejaculation just happened after the man got an erection and just pushed out, as if he would when urinating. The concept of physical stimulation or the fact that the penis moving in and out makes him feel a good sensation was not something that was explained to me, neither in school or when my parents gave me the talk.
Eventually, I just became really curious about how in the world ejaculation worked and just took to the Google, which was where I learned the term masturbation.
I just wanted to figure out if I could ejaculate and how to do it, and for a time, thought something was wrong with me because just pushing out after getting an erection while sitting on the toilet did not end up working. Finally, I understood why it wasn’t working.
So I knew what all my body parts were, but did not for the life of me understand how one actually allowed them to function.
Thank you so much for putting this out there.
I believe in the importance of self control when it comes to sexual desire and masturbation, but you kind of have to have a basic understanding of how things actually work down there, and the sex ed that I got did not really give me a clear understanding.
I think one thing that is missing is why it’s important to save sex for marriage, not just for adulthood.