For so many of us, sex is the greatest source of tension in our marriage.
Now, sometimes it’s for nefarious reasons, like a husband who uses pornography (or a wife who uses pornography). Sometimes there has been major betrayal, or the marriage is just really on the rocks.
But lots of times the tension revolves around libido and frequency: One person wants sex a lot more than the other. And quite typically it’s the husband who wants sex more than the wife (though again, women can have the higher libido too!).
Many of us feel like if we just wanted sex more then our marriages would be so much easier.
We want to want sex more. We desperately want to want it.
But wanting to want it doesn’t seem to result in actually wanting it.
We’ve been talking this month about what’s killing women’s libidos, and I’ve diagnosed a big part of the problem. I’ve talked about some of the solutions–like understanding what we can influence, and understanding our brakes and accelerators.
But I’ve put it all together in one place in my Boost Your Libido course, where we get super practical.
The Boost Your Libido course takes you more in-depth in understanding what libido is, and then looking at all the things that could be acting like “brakes” in your sex life, as well as helping you identify your accelerators.
The ten modules build step-by-step on each other, so that you can start seeing results now.
I’ve had people telling me that the very first module set them free–that they always thought they weren’t sexual, and felt so much shame about that. But the insights from Module 1 woke them up!
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?
There is a way! In this 10-module recently revamped Boost Your Libido course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
Get $10 off until July 5 at midnight EST!
For the last several months Rebecca and I have been rewriting the course, updating it with our new research, and adding a lot about mental load.
The course originally launched in 2017, but since then we’ve done our huge studies involving over 32,500 people, and we wanted to incorporate those findings. They’ve changed the way I talk about some things, and they’ve shown me that other things are even more important when it comes to libido (like mental load!).
If you’ve bought the course in the past–you already have access to the brand new videos and brand new exercises! Whenever you buy a course from me, you have lifetime access, which means that if I update it, you get the updated version, for free!
Our goal was to make this course super practical and hands on.
So we walk you through modules on:
- Understanding responsive and spontaneous libidos
- Dealing with mental load
- Getting over the “Do I want to tonight?” hump
- Seeing how hormone levels affect your libido
- Understanding what habits may be “turning us off”
- Dealing with body image issues
- and more!
And, of course, we look at how beliefs about sex may have totally turned you off of sex–for very good reason.
Is your problem more that sex never feels good?
If you don’t reach orgasm regularly, then your problem is likely not just libido. Why would you look forward to something and want something that doesn’t feel very good?
For you, I’d strongly suggest The Orgasm Course instead.
Use the coupon code BYL (for Boost Your Libido) to get $20 off the course during the Boost Your Libido relaunch!
None of this is your fault. You’re growing up in a culture that makes sex seem ugly. Seem like an obligation. Seem like it’s not focused on you at all.
Is it any wonder why we don’t want it?
But wouldn’t you like it to be different?
Do you remember when you were dreaming of getting married, and you were picturing long, luxurious Saturday mornings when you would stay in bed–and not sleep? You pictured jumping your husband when he got home from work. You pictured making out while watching a movie–and not finishing the movie.
And now if he kisses you during a movie it’s a huge turn off.
Can sex become something that’s spontaneous again? Can it become something you actually want?
That’s what we want to help you with.
We’ve analyzed sex in Christian marriages and told you what was wrong. Now we want to get practical and help you make it better!
And we’ve got it for $10 off during this launch week!
The Relaunch Special is Only Available until July 5!
I try to keep my courses super affordable, because I want to help as many people as possible.
And whenever you buy my courses, you get lifetime access. When I update them, you get access to that too!
Sex was meant to be something amazing in your marriage, and I know what it’s like to feel like sex is a huge disappointment. A letdown. Like everyone else is lying to you about how excited they are about it.
I also know what it’s like to get to the other side.
I hope I can help you figure out what all the fuss is about as well!
After this month of posts on libido, what do you think is women’s biggest libido killer? Let’s talk in the comments!
What’s Killing Women’s Libido? Series
- 15 Things that Kill Libido for Women
- A Tale of Three Brains and Libido
- How Brakes and Accelerators Influence Libido
- What are Responsive vs. Spontaneous Libidos?
- PODCAST: Have we made sex a yes space for men?
- PODCAST: What’s killing women’s libido? (coming at the end of the month)
- Don’t miss our sexual confidence series, too!
Our revamped Boost Your Libido course is Live!
Get $10 off until July 5 at midnight!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
10 Things To Know about Hormones and Libido
How do women’s hormone levels affect libido throughout the month? What role does contraception and menopause have in libido? Let’s look!
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It is extremely difficult to even ***want*** to want sex. I thought I got married, but what happened instead is that I got hired as a live-in maid, accountant, and cook—with benefits.
Gone was the boyfriend-fiancé who talked about deep subjects for hours at a time and till the wee sma’s, who occasionally cooked a meal himself and often pitched in on the cleaning up when I cooked, who all on his own thought of little things to do to show me care, appreciation, and love.
After the wedding, it pretty quickly became up to me to do absolutely every bit of the relationship-y stuff, because, apparently, he thought he was done after winning me, so I should “just know” he still felt the same way even if all the behaviors that showed it had come to an end.
So I kept doing all the stuff even without any return. The only thing he wanted was sex, and even that was pretty perfunctory: a few seconds of tonsil hockey, then just put it in.
And my mental and emotional health just went on a slow slide. Church and friends told me to just keep meeting his needs, and then he’d meet mine. But why would he? He’s getting all his met without doing anything that requires the slightest bit of attention or affection or EFFORT toward me.
Occasionally I get the message through that this is not ok, and there’s improvement. For a week, maybe two. Once in a great while, three weeks. Then it just slides back to nothing again.
There’s a great blog post that describes the end result of this cycle (language warning in the post and comments): https://matthewfray.com/2017/04/11/safety-and-trust-in-relationships-those-words-dont-mean-what-you-think-they-mean/
He works hard. He’s a great guy. But our conversations are no different that those I could have with any guy who’s about my age and has similar taste in movies, tv shows, and music. He knows I’ve ordered half a dozen marriage books in the last eight months, because he gets the shipping emails. He sees me reading them. Has he ever asked even one question about any of them? No.
I can’t force him to take an interest in me. I can’t force him to do anything on his end. And I’m pretty much done trying to make changes and improvements on my end. I can manage politeness, and that’s about it. It’s very sad, because it could have been awesome.
Jo, I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this.
Does the course deal with the loss of libido post-menopause?
I’m male, and you may be surprised to know that we can have very low libidos. And I know exactly why I don’t like to have sex. I was bullied and teased by girls from day 1 of kindergarten. The only support I got from my parents was to tell me to ignore those girls. And I did, and got very good at it. The problem with that is I never developed social skills. I’m not aware of any woman who thinks I’m attractive. I can honestly say I hate women and never want to be with one. I’m afraid to let myself be vulnerable with them. I do not trust them. Sex is absolutely out of the question. I’ve broken up with women just because I knew the relationship was heading towards sex, and the thought terrified me.