I have been reading this book, She Deserves Better, by Shelia Wray Gregoire.

One particular section I read really hit me and woke me up to something that I had been unintentionally doing, and believing for years.

In chapter five of the book Sheila talks about the teaching so many of us were taught, that God comes first.

If we are seeing someone (dating) it needs to be with the thought and belief that if we were to marry them, we can do more for God together than we could alone.

She also talks about the pressure put on teen girls to not allow themselves to think of a guy so much that she has less time for “Godly things”.

And the belief that a girl should look for a man who puts God first (before herself), one that will, when married to her, spend time with God and doing things for the church over spending it with her and the kids. Or putting so much money into ministry that family is left without their needs etc.

These are just some examples.

But this teaching goes so much deeper.

I personally relate to this because I believed as a teen that the more time I spend praying, reading the Bible etc the more godly I was, the more spiritual I was becoming.

Then I got married and had kids. I tried to keep up the long morning Bible studies and prayers but with each child and challenge of life it became harder and harder to spend that same time I was able to as a teen.

Now with 5 kids and another on the way, I barely have time for myself, let alone to spend hours reading the Bible.

And the guilt of this has got worse and worse. Even to this day, I realised, I feel guilty, like I’m not godly enough, because I’m not spending all this time praying, reading the Bible or doing “godly, kingdom building” things.

And that guilt has led to me unknowingly, pulling away from God and a relationship with him because of the feeling of, “I’m not “godly” enough cause I’m not doing X, Y and Z.”

So looking at this from a new perspective, this teaching actually can not only be extremely stressful for a teenager who’s going through changes and emotions, and having feelings that are actually normal and even healthy, but it also reaches far into the future.

Possibly causing more damage than good.

I’m sure I’m not the only mum out there who has been feeling this guilt, and pulled away because they feel inferior.

But God knows our situation. He knows our kids need our love and attention and he KNEW it would mean less time to spend on these things that we have been taught are priority.

And it doesn’t make us less godly, or mean we love Him any less.

The last thing He wants is us to pull away from him because of guilt he never placed on us.

Severe teaching did that.

For me, realising this today at 34 years old, is a huge ah huh moment, and very freeing.

It’s also very sad because I’ve lived with guilt that was never mine to carry.

I can’t be the only one. How many women out there, who were brought up with these teachings, who have kids and are trying to juggle life, are feeling guilt and pulling away because of it?

Religious Scrupulosity

A condition that includes obsessions or compulsions, intrusive thoughts or urges, often with a religious theme. Often called Religious OCD. 

From @rebekahdrumsta

Scrupulosity, like so many things, appears on a spectrum.

Many ppl connect scrupulosity w/obsessive fears about damnation or worry about committing the unpardonable sin (accurate examples), but it also manifests re: spiritual practices. In people prone to it, scrupulosity can be exacerbated by teachings like: listening to the Holy Spirit, confession of sin, doing the right thing, & idealizing aspirational spiritual practices and/or pedestaling disciplined Christian heroes.

For instance, something normative like confession of sin becomes tortuous for ppl who have scrupulous ways of thinking, b/c they worry they might not have been thorough enough; any thought, including all past sins, that come to mind must be confessed, often to others.Beneficial spiritual practices morph into chains & general Xian teaching unknowingly applauds it.

In 8th grade I made list of every single person in my classes & prayed daily for growing list of everyone I knew for yrs.

How could I bear to delete anyone w/such high stakes?

Of course it’s a good thing to pray for people, but scrupulosity=a spiritual treadmill with no way off. The intensity & speed at which you run amps up, taking you nowhere.

When we pedestal spiritual heroes who also lived at this pace, we idealize impossible & (in my opinion) unhealthy aspirations. We assume extreme spiritual devotion must be an unqualified good & as a result inflict ppl with unexamined models like Jonathan Edwards’ resolutions or William Carey’s missionary zeal or Therese of Liseaux’s spirituality.

I don’t think it’s possible to retroactively diagnose Christian heroes, but it might give us pause to ask ourselves why we admire extreme devotion & which kind.

Because such models are limitless & rigid taskmasters for someone being told: this is how to please or pursue the Lord.

The scrupulous person confuses their own ruminations & compulsions w/devotion.

Helpful red flags for me:

• can I skip this practice for a few days or is that distressing?
• what is the level of rigidity re: devotional thoughts/practices?
• are there roots of fear/drivenness?

I think it’s especially important for parents/spiritual teachers of young people to familiarize themselves with scrupulously because children can be particularly sensitive.

In general Christian parents think: teaching kids about God=good (granted). But we pile it on: Noah’s ark in the nursery, sin & crucifixion & hell in preschool classes, board books with doctrine, prayer always.

It is irresponsible to presume that because we understand something to be Christian teaching, it will nourish children to have steady unexamined diet of it
Same with ourselves. My most telling indication that I’m veering scrupulosity-ward is when practices I’m taking in or spiritual thoughts I’m having land like a heavy weight in my body.

Children might show signs of distress like crying or sleeplessness. They may “need” to pray. Christian parents are prone to admire and praise young devotion, to respond with more prayer.

Please let’s examine this. Jesus simply took young children in his arms & blessed them. Does our spiritual teaching land like His blessing on children? Now more than ever there are endless streams of podcasts, sermons, books & Christian teaching.

That can help & nourish us spiritually. It can also keep a vulnerable person’s eyes fixed on the control panel of a spiritual treadmill rather than Jesus Himself. Religious scrupulosity is a heavy yoke that can cloak legalism in ways that seem right.

Jesus promises that those who come to Him will find rest for their weary souls.