I love Jill Duggar’s authenticity in her new memoir Counting the Cost.
I love Jill Duggar’s (or Jill Dillard’s!) growth that she shows in Counting the Cost.
I love how Jill models getting help when you need it. I love how she obviously struggled to present a balanced picture of her family life–how it wasn’t all bad, but it certainly wasn’t all good and healthy either.
I love how she’s trying to navigate her relationships with her parents with grace and boundaries now.
And my goodness did I ever love how Derick supported her and was just the perfect man at the perfect time (though of course no relationship is perfect, but their story is beautiful).
I stayed up until 1:00 am reading it last night and I dreamt about some of its themes too!
I could talk about a thousand different themes in the book, but what I want to focus on is a simple one:
The Duggars’ Christianity was missing Christ.
I love how Jill says, so succinctly near the end of the book as she’s trying to process her childhood, “It was a cult, thriving on a culture of fear and manipulation.”
They read the Bible. They used Jesus words. But there wasn’t a Jesus.
Yet because they used the Bible, many of the kids’ faith was genuine, and it’s been lovely to see many of the Duggar kids find their own faith as they have grown and figured things out for themselves.
But the whole point of the Duggar family mission (the TV show), as Jill said again and again, was that Jim Bob thought this was his way to introduce the world to Christianity. This was their mission work.
You can’t have Christianity without Christ.
The Duggars’ idea of Christianity was “let’s live by a big set of rules.”
When Jill talks about her childhood, she doesn’t talk about praying or knowing Jesus was with her. She talks instead about what made them Christians was that they wore strange clothes; they didn’t dance but were only allowed to jump up and down; they didn’t have a TV. They dressed modestly (this seemed to be the biggest thing that was stressed, over and over again). They made sure the boys weren’t tempted by girls in the world. They stayed sequestered and didn’t go to school or have much interaction with the outside world at all.
And, of course, they had tons and tons of kids.
Because the world was so dangerous, parents had to have lots of authority to protect their kids from the outside world. So kids were discouraged from growing up or having autonomy or making decisions, because they needed their parents for that.
This was their Christianity.
And they aimed to be the “Model Family” at the Gothard seminars, where everyone smiled and had identical clothing and obeyed perfectly.
This version of Christianity was “let’s keep ourselves untainted by the world.” It’s a dichotomous way of seeing the world: There is us and there is them, and never the twain shall meet.
Jesus’ idea was that the kingdom of God was near.
The Duggars seemed to think that if we can show the world how strange we are, and how our kids are doing so well because of these strange rules, then people will turn to our version of Christianity. So the witness is in the difference with the world as they attempted to distance themselves from the wrold.
Jesus didn’t do this.
What was one of the phrases that Jesus said the most? “The kingdom of God is like…” and then He would burst into a parable. It was like a seed that grew and grew and engulfed everything. It was like yeast that worked through a whole batch of dough. It was like something you sacrificed everything to get.
What are the principles of the kingdom of God? The lame shall walk; the blind shall see; the prisoners shall be set free. It is good news for the poor. It is the proclamation of the Lord’s favour. (Luke 4). It is that Jesus has come and shown us what God is like; for it is not just that Jesus is like God; it is that God is like Jesus. When we see Jesus, we see the Father. We see who God is, as Savior and King.
And where is the kingdom of God?
It is near. It is among us. It is growing because we are salt and light. We are the yeast. The Spirit in us is spreading the kingdom.
The kingdom of God doesn’t grow by power; the kingdom of God spreads as we become more and more like Christ and we start to see the oppressed set free.
The kingdom of God is not interested in separating itself from people; the kingdom of God is interested in being yeast that changes things.
I don’t know how to properly explain this, but I think it’s so important.
I think many of us have the wrong version of Christianity.
We’re focused on how Christianity gives us an identity of “we’re not like them,” instead of Christianity giving us the identity of “we love them as Christ loved and saved us.” We’re focused on Christianity as us vs. them, whereas Jesus welcomed everyone, considered everyone someone to eat with and talk to (even the Pharisees when they invited Him!), and was profoundly interested in people.
We’re focused on looking a certain way, on external cues; Jesus focused on authenticity.
It is only authenticity that changes the world.
Authenticity means that we have to share who we actually are. We have to take down the masks and relate on a personal and emotional level. That’s how things truly change–when hearts change. Not when behaviours change (you can force that or pressure that). Not when the outside changes (on the outside, Josh Duggar looked great). It’s only when we can be real and admit what we’re honestly feeling that we make a true connection with people.
And it is that connection that changes the world. Jesus’ death that brings our life and our forgiveness necessitates authenticity–as we’re honest with ourselves about our true state; as we’re honest with ourselves about our hurts; as we see that God sees the things that we can barely admit to ourselves and forgives and heals. He connects at the deepest level.
Connection changes. Compulsion forces.
The incarnation, when Christ became human, happened because God deeply cares about connection, and it is through connection that change happens.
Yet the Duggars, and the IBLP, and Bill Gothard, didn’t focus on connection. They focused on maintaining a facade that reinforced us vs. them. That’s not kingdom principles. That’s Roman principles. It’s the opposite. It’s a Christianity without Christ.
Again, I’m not sure this is making sense. Like I said, I was up until 1 am reading the book, and I’m still in a fog processing.
But this is so important, because this is one of the fundamental problems with evangelicalism today, especially in the United States. We’re so focused on evangelicalism giving us this identity of us vs them so that we can be proud that we have it all right, and we’ve lost that bit about the kingdom of God being near, and the kingdom that is supposed to spread to everyone–and everyone is welcome. That we are supposed to deeply care and connect with the world, even as we aren’t of it.
Jesus identifies with the least of these. He invites us to care about the world, not just sequester and be proud that we’re not them.
We’re getting this all wrong.
There is no Christianity without Christ.
That’s when it becomes, as Jill said, a cult.
Counting the Cost is a great read.
It’s really well written. It tells a lot of the back story while it’s also clear that Jill went to great pains to honor her parents where she could, and to protect her siblings and not share things that weren’t hers to share. She did this with integrity, and I wish her all the best.
Now it’s time for us as a church to grapple with the fact that so many were so taken in by the Duggars’ version of Christianity. What made us celebrate such a strong us vs. them faith? What may we have missed in the process? And how can we find Jesus again?
I hope those are the questions that people ask after reading it. It’s clear that Jill has–and I’m glad that she and Derick and the boys are now resting in Jesus, authentically.
What do you think? Am I making any sense? What’s your take on our propensity to think of Christianity as us vs. them? Let’s talk in the comments!
I wish I wasn’t so busy.
There are so many books I want to read.
Ironically, Jim Bob may have accomplished his mission. I think the show (and everything that happened after) exposed an extreme form of fundamentalism that has worked its way through the whole church. I wasn’t raised that way at all, but I still recognized a few themes in Shiny Happy People. Now that it’s exposed people are seeing it and we can deal with it. It feels so good to dig up the unhealthy stuff and get back to Jesus!
Great perspective! I think this all is part of God shining light on what is ever so wrong with the church today.
Jesus example over and over again was actually never us vrs them. It was always – I am like you and without ever saying it “I want you to be like me.” The way he lived and acted was the statement – I am your example…. With regard to Jesus healing – Jesus healed not to differentiate himself or make himself different from us, it was to show his authority over lameness and blindiness and illness etc. which is to show that yes indeed he was Gods son and this is what God can do because he has authority. Simply put when we witness bad teachings such as Duggars or Love & Respect or Secret Keep Girl etc etc often the person or people behind those teachings misinterpret God and Jesus’ message on authority. Only God and Jesus have authority over all. The ONLY authority we as humans have is to Live Like Jesus and tell others about him through our example and the Word. When our personal ambitions and our ego enter into the equation that is when the message gets skewed and bad teachings spread….and it becomes what camp are you in? us vrs them?
Well said, Phil! In the past I have seen things very much as us vs. them. It’s amazing how now that I’m through that I’m able to truly enjoy people who may not believe just like me. And that’s what Jesus did! He enjoyed being with people. It’s really lovely.
> > They stayed sequestered and didn’t go to school or have much interaction with the outside world at all.
Odd, since Jesus told us to go out into the world. I never had the sense that God wants us to isolate ourselves from all non-Christians.
> > kids were discouraged from growing up or having autonomy or making decisions, because they needed their parents for that.
This is a bit morbid, but I’d like to ask the parents: What happens to your kids when you die? If you’ve never taught them about real life, and shielded them from it all the time, once you’re gone, what are they going to do?
The Duggar parents (especially Jim Bob) may have misinterpreted the idea that Christians are “not of this world” (a phrase I’ve heard often). It doesn’t mean hide away from the world and refuse to engage. It means that we’re not beholden to the bad ways of the world, not that we remove ourselves entirely.
Exactly.
You know this reminds me of something. You ever heard of the band Stryper? They are a pretty great band. One of their members is married to a woman who was trafficked and they both speak about that issue. Anyway back in the 80’s when all the satanic panic stuff was going on these guys might have gotten more hate than Black Sabbath or Alice Cooper because they claimed to be Christians while also being in a heavy metal band. They would sometimes get interviewed by pastors who tried to make them out to be a bad influence but the members of Stryper told a very different story. Their lyrics and the way they tried to live their lives reflected their faith and even now people who are not Christians can see that they are both great metal musicians and authentic people.
I think it is a neat thing to think about.
Yes, I remember them. Child of the 80s
Now your talkin my language 😬I was into Stryper many many years ago. Ill have to have a look and see if I still have one of their Albums. (I used to trade tapes with my friend). – I still have over 200 cassette tapes from my metal collection 🤣 I recall the satanic panic. I worked through that as a teen metal head and decided that if you listened to the lyrics that it told you the story. I chose the Scorpions as my favorite band. I categorized the bands. As either Love Bands, Political Bands, Party Bands or Christian Bands. We had a another category but cant share that here.. I recall the Alice Cooper thing and watched many interviews with him. I understand he has an awesome marriage. You remember the Band Extreme? That was another metal band that shared christian faith in their lyrics – Gary Cherone. One if my favorites also. Today Skillet is the ultimate. Oh and hey I see Stryper is still touring lol. What are they like 70? LOL. Maybe I will go find them ✌️ – all that being said – yeah not all metal heads are satan worshipers and I have come to a conclusion. In any given setting, place of work, event type, profession etc (with a qualifier to certain evil places that are just plain wrong) there are good people, bad people, Christian people and non Christian people. What I do when I can is I go fishing. You listen to the way people talk and sometimes you can throw out your own line – like a God comment or something. You can tell if people are interested in bitting your lure. Thats a covert operation for Jesus 😉
I honestly think this post was very well done. I find that in todays climate that a sort of tribalism has become rampant. I do not think that the desire to make a tribe is in itself a bad thing as it allowed our ancient ancestors to survive, but it has the potential to be destructive. Look no further than how folks like Nick Fuentes or Andrew Tate speak about countries and ethnic groups or in the case of Tate women men and those who agree with him versus those who are opposed to him.
I have said before that I believe this blog is helping people. I would love to see you guys talk about tribalism and the dangers of ideologies like Tate’s.
I totally agree Codec!
Andrew Tate reeks of toxic masculinity and sadly, a lot of teenage boys look up to him. The man is a sex trafficker for crying out loud and has a very low view of women. I don’t even know if he claims to be a Christian.
Tate truly does disturb me. I mean part of his group is a guy who is a wannabee Aliester Crowley. I am not making that up there is a guy in is War Room named Iggy Semmelweis who claims to be a wizard and claims to know how to hypnotize women. Guy sounds like a Sword and Sorcery villain. He sounds like the kind of guy that Conan or Drizzt Do’Urden would fight against on an average Tuesday.
I like the reference. Honestly, the more and more I dig into Tate’s circle, the more disturbing his associates become.
He doesn’t. He claims to have converted to Islam but I don’t think that is the reason behind his thinking or behavior as he was already that way before.
Sheila,
You are making perfect sense here! I see so much of the us vs. them filtrated throughout the churches in my community in Southeast New Mexico. We are not far from the Bible Belt and my town is very conservative in their politics and Christianity. If you admit you think differently than they do, then they think you’re wrong and going to hell. I’m getting to where I don’t want to have anything to do with mainstream American Christianity, but I still LOVE Jesus and want to strive to be more like Him. In order to heal from heartache, I must reveal myself and show my authenticity to others. I am anxious to read Jill’s book and even put in a request at my library (also my workplace). I will take a break from my graduate studies to read this book just like I did with Shannon Harris’ book, another great read.
Sheila,
You are making perfect sense here! I see so much of the us vs. them filtrated throughout the churches in my community in Southeast New Mexico. We are not far from the Bible Belt and my town is very conservative in their politics and Christianity. If you admit you think differently than they do, then they think you’re wrong and going to hell. I’m getting to where I don’t want to have anything to do with mainstream American Christianity, but I still LOVE Jesus and want to strive to be more like Him. In order to heal from heartache, I must reveal myself and show my authenticity to others. I am anxious to read Jill’s book and even put in a request at my library (also my workplace).
🔥🔥🔥🙌🙌
It’s easy to understand why the ‘us v them’ mentality is so popular.
Imagine you are presented with two ways of following Jesus
The first is to follow His example, to be selfless, caring, patient, gentle, self-controlled, to stand against injustice and to do what is right even when it is personally very costly.
The second is to dress differently from everyone else, to make a big song & dance about how you don’t do ‘worldly’ things (which are things you actually don’t like that much anyway), to cut yourself off from anyone who doesn’t think the same way as you so you never have to make the effort to understand a different point of view, and to pat yourself on the back for being so much more holy than all those terrible sinful people you are avoiding.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that ‘us v them’ is such a popular idea, because it’s a really easy way to live. Unfortunately, it has nothing whatever to do with following Jesus, but so many people convince themselves that it does!
Well said! And I think the patting yourself on the back is the big draw. It makes you feel so holy and so special and so much better than everyone else.
I wonder, as us humans are often concerned with our image, if the Gothards of the world found a way to fixate on that but in a different way? Deep down, it is still an image being portrayed- that of being “set apart” and made differently than the world instead of creating the image of being rich, successful, and beautiful, etc..
I think it is easier to rest on our works because we can see them and compare them to others… as we have lost sight of the true, deep love of Jesus, we felt insecure and needed confirmation that we are “good enough” to get to heaven. If we look so very much different, then we can tell ourselves we must have succeeded. Just a thought. I’m also thinking along the lines of insecure attachment but as it relates to our heavenly Father rather than earthly parents… when we focus on the wrong parts, works and earning love, instead of His heart, love given freely, then we set ourselves up to fail (or rather have been set up for failure by those who taught us wrongly out of their insecurities.)
Totally!! They found a “holy” way to say look how great I am!
Freedom seems to be scary to a lot of people, including Christians. If Christian Fred feels free to, say, walk across the street with a beer to offer to neighbor Barney who just finished mowing his lawn, well, that’s going to raise the eyebrows of those Christians who have decided to never drink alcohol. Even though the non-drinkers are just as free as Fred, the variety of practice is confusing, apparently. Are we not reading Romans 14 and seeing past the particular cultural problem (eating meat from animals sacrificed to idols) so that we can quit arguing for or against this rule or that?
Of course, having lots of rules makes it easy to see who’s a good Christian, a bad Christian, a carnal Christian, or a non-Christian, right? External observances are much easier to police than internal heart attitudes, so that’s where we concentrate.
Legalism traps us in the very thing Jesus came to free us from.
Yes, legalism is essentially judgmentalism. It’s a way to enforce power and achieve power.
Yes! And frightened, insecure people are attracted to the perceived safety. Honestly, I may well still be trying to live that way if it hadn’t just become too exhausting.
I wish there were an easy-reference resource that shows what Gothard/IDLP teaches v what Scripture actually says. I think it would be so helpful to see these perverse insidious ideas that have seeped into every area of contemporary Evangelicalism and to be able to instantaneously debunk them in conversations. Such as the umbrella of authority. Ugh. It’s time to bring to light the ways Scripture has been twisted by this man and his followers and fight with the truth of the Word in the whole church.
Try Recovering Grace website. They were mentioned on the Shiny Happy People documentary.
That umbrella of authority is not biblical. According to 1 Timothy 2:5, “There is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Jesus Christ.” If Jesus is our one and only mediator, why do women need extra umbrellas? Besides, umbrellas did not exist during biblical times. I cannot believe how many Christians I know who post that umbrella of authority on their social media. I just want to tell them about the creepy pedophile and pervert who created that illustration.
The Untwisting Scriptures book series by Rebecca Davis might be helpful for you.
https://www.amazon.com/Untwisting-Scriptures-5-book-series/dp/B08WF13X3F
Authenticity – YES! Let’s remove our happy church family faces and connect with people instead.
I struggle with churches of any denomination saying they believe or have the truth in their theology (whether us vs the world or other wise). Because Jesus is the way the TRUTH and the life.
Couple that with the God is love concept?
Truth = Jesus/God = love.
Jesus is the only way to have the truth, and that is love.
A churches theology might be great, but it doesn’t mean it’s the truth because the truth isn’t just theology. It’s in a person – Jesus. And that person is love.
If you have Him, the rest flows on from that. Your theology can only make sense when it reflects God’s love. When it reflects Jesus.
Sure, theological intellectual conversations can be fun and really interesting. But if the conclusion departs from a relationship with Jesus, or departs form love…. it’s missing something.
It is making so much sense, yes. I get it but am also so aware of how much I don’t get it enough at a deeper level. Praying it sinks right in. Thanks for articulating part of the journey so many of us are on.
So Jim Bob wanted to protect his kids from the evil of the world, yet evil was already in his home in the form of his pedophile son?! That’s the irony in the whole story. I grew up in fundamentalism and my parents are still shackled to weaponizing the Scriptures & misusing God’s Word to manipulate others into their agenda. I wonder how Jesus weeps for how the He is being misrepresented. Jill, from another warrior who fought to find freedom and had to leave my dysfunctional & abusive family behind, you are not alone. You are breaking the chains of generational trauma and creating new paths for your kids. You are brave!
Sheila, what you said makes great sense. I grew up around the us vs. them attitude. That attitude is exactly what Jesus confronted the Scribes and the Pharacies about.
I’m glad you thought so!
The whole Duggar thing doesn’t really resonate for this UK based Christian, but this is one of your best ever blog posts. This is the gospel. Authenticity (warts and all, of which I have plenty), connection, grace and growth to be more like Jesus 🙂
One “separate” thing that seems popular in US Christian families, is home schooling, I never really understood that. Hardly happens here in the UK. Maybe your public schools are seriously under funded? Anyway, our kids have grown up with schools friends and church friends and occasionally they’ve mixed, not as much as I would like, but they have.
There’s very little cultural Christianity here or nominal church attendance.
Thank-you Sheila again for a great post, all makes complete sense!
Thank you so much, John! That means a lot.
Actually, homeschooling has grown hugely in the UK in the past 20 years or so – when I was home educated, back in the 80s and 90s, we were regarded as very unusual, but now I’d struggle to think of anyone I know who doesn’t know at least one homeschooling family. I think what we do lack over here is the kind of homeschoolers who are doing it to keep their kids isolated from the world – I’ve met a couple of families over the years who are like that, but most are doing it for good reasons (as are many homeschoolers in other countries – just because a few folk use it as an excuse to be weird, it doesn’t mean all homeschoolers are like that!).
I live in an area in Southeast United States where the oil and gas industry is big. This means that people travel a lot for their jobs and those with families homeschool due to constantly moving. That’s another reason to homeschool.
Wow that is certainly now the case in NI or the Republic of Ireland. I don’t think i know anybody who knows of a homeschooling family at all. Can you elaborate on the good reasons behind people choosing homeschooling who aren’t doing it to keep their kids isolated from the world, as I can think of families whose kids may need attentional academic help, but not of other possible reasons. Is the schooling system in Britain having trouble?
My (American) family was stationed in England in the early 90s. I attended British public schools. They are very different from US public schools. At the time, the public schools were connected with the Church of England and had chapel services. Most of my friends were “nominal/Christmas and Easter” Christians. I’m not arguing with you, I just think it’s fascinating how everyone has a different life experience.
Yes, even though the UK is such a small place, there is still a huge diversity of belief. I’ve lived in areas where very few people would identify as Christian or attend church, and also lived in areas where a lot of people do. I think it tends to be more common in rural areas, which are usually more traditional. So you get a lot of people who will go to church at Christmas, Easter and Harvest (which is still HUGE in rural communities – probably the most popular church service of the year!) and who will describe themselves as Christian ‘because we’re a Christian country – it’s part of our culture’, but may not even believe in God – or if they do, it will be a vague ‘Someone out there’ or ‘The Boss Upstairs keeping an eye on us’.
This is a beautiful post! I would just add that Jesus was clear that the Messianic Age was now, with his presence, here; the Kingdom of God is here, now.
In Luke 4:18-19, Jesus (while leading a service in his home synagogue in Nazareth) reads a passage from Isaiah that his whole audience/congregation knew as referencing the Messianic Age – after the Messiah arrives, when all that is unjust is made right, and the world prospers. He then said, “This Scripture came to pass today, at the moment you heard me read it.” The room erupted, because they saw this as an overt claim by a man of their village to be God.
But Jesus meant it. He didn’t ask for a do-over and say it would happen only when he came back again. He said, this is now. And who carries out the beautiful liberation of the Messianic Age? We do – Christians – salt, light, and yeasty goodness, spreading this liberation here and now, through our identity in Christ – setting people free from the physical, financial, mental, and psychological shackles they’ve bound each other with. (And hint, if we are shackling others, this is not the work of Christ.) *We* are the ones called to carry out God’s life-changing work. The Kingdom of God is here!
“ Jesus has come and shown us what God is like; for it is not just that Jesus is like God; it is that God is like Jesus. When we see Jesus, we see the Father. We see who God is, as Savior and King.”
Why have I never thought of it this way? Probably because I was raised with the IBLP teachings and while it wasn’t as bad as the Duggars, it’s only recently that I’ve really come to appreciate the love of God for us and all that it brings. I never thought of God as being like Jesus.
That thought gives me goosebumps and is so comforting! Want to know what God is like? Look at Jesus!
To me, it seems too much of Christianity has not truly understood about the utmost importance of self righteousness versus the righteousness of God, thru faith in Christ.
Somehow too many churches have deviated into works of law rather than faith in Christ. They have more faith in themselves to be good Christian’s and be obedient thru self effort. And so few see this. This is how the cults and legalistic/fundamentalist churches are thriving, cuz too many don’t understand this. It’s easier to just try harder and make more rules than it is to look to Jesus and let the Holy Spirit open our eyes to see and our ears to hear, and be transformed by his power.
When you push away or hinder the work of the Holy Spirit, all you have is carnality. And it’s very ugly and destructive. That is what we are seeing now. Most “Christian’s” and “churches” are carnal. The Holy Spirit is not allowed to work. There is no life.
I do not attend church and not sure when I will. Our family has experienced enough betrayal and let down and hypocrisy.
So much of the teachings are indeed a wretched mess that you are challenging. Thank you. Grace and wisdom and strength and guidance from God. Keep seeking him. Eyes on Jesus.
I’m so proud of these girls for walking through this hard process of disentangling from a cult and still keeping their personal faith strong. I can always hear good teaching and clarity flowing from them, as they’ve had great help and support with this process. <3 I wanted to point out in helps, not criticism, that the only thing that transforms the world is Yeshua, Jesus! Its the gospel, more of Him and less of me! If we make it about our personal authenticity, then we've stepped out of the gospel and into a different kind of works! Let's allow insides and outsides match, but only the power of Yeshua's life, death and resurrection has power to transform. Rest in that freedom, and be blessed! <3
I just finished listening to the book. I am so proud of Jill and her willingness to share her story. It hurts my heart to imagine all that they went through, but so glad they sought help and are finding a healthy way forward in their faith and family. What struck me most is when she told her Dad how he treated her worse than her pedophile brother because she wore pants and had a nose ring! We watched the show, I’m sad we did so and contributed to its success. In many ways I see myself in her, having grown up in a religious house with very set expectations of what good Christian’s do. It is hard to untangle things from your childhood but worth it.