Recently, I received a question from a reader about how to find a good counselor
“I really need help knowing how to find the right kind of counselor. We have one but he is caught up in the traditional Christian stuff about men’s problems being lost etc.
I’m also unpacking stuff I have not dealt with in my marriage for many years under the banner of love and respect teachings that have been very painful that I have stuffed. I literally do not know where to turn or how to explain any of this to my husband. I don’t know how to interview a therapist to say hey are you aware of all of the work that you, Sheila, are doing etc. I feel so completely lost and yet feel like I have to start over with everything in our family. Maybe you could address this because I’m sure there are many women in the situation.
I can’t go to my church to figure out how to find the right kind of counseling, my husband will think I’m crazy, and it just makes me feel more isolated in my views but I know it’s the right thing to do. Thank you!”
She’s right. This is a common problem, unfortunately, for many women – and evangelicals in general. There is a lot of misinformation out there about what therapy is that can leave a lot of people without the option to see help when they need it.
So for those who are ready to take the brave step to ask for help with a mental health professional, let’s talk about how to identify some ways to find a counselor that is a great fit for you.
It’s unwise to assume that all counselors are safe and good
Usually when we see counsellors we’re seeing one of two different types:
- A licensed counsellor who has received at least two years of professional training at a government accredited university, has undergone an internship, and has a professional license. That license obligates them to operate under certain conditions, including keeping confidentiality. That counsellor may also be a Christian.
- A biblical counsellor who may or may not have very much training, and who operates under the belief that all one needs to be healthy is the Bible. Sometimes they do have a postgraduate degree as well, but it is in “biblical counselling” and they are not accredited or licensed with any government-recognized entity (but only “biblical counselling” organizations). Many large churches have “biblical counsellors” on staff. They do not belong to any governing school (such as the school of psychotherapy or social work) and so can not be held accountable for what they say or do in counselling situations.
A general practitioner wouldn’t operate on your brain tumour, but would refer you to a neurosurgeon or an oncologist. Similarly, a safe counselor will refer when it’s beyond their expertise. And this goes both ways! My uncle, who was a Christian psychiatrist, would occasionally refer Christian patients (with their consent) with particularly entrenched spiritual issues to pastors.
There’s a wide range of training, experience, and perspectives of people doing marriage counseling, and before you invest money, time, and become very vulnerable with someone, you have to make sure they’re safe and a good fit.
Why it’s good to be cautious with Biblical Counsellors
Those who ascribe to the biblical counselling model often adopt a worldview where mental illness does not have a biological basis–instead, it’s either spiritual attack, spiritual weakness or sin. Thus, they downplay the reality of depression or other mental illnesses.
In addition, many ascribe to a view of marriage which says that divorce is wrong for any reason. Because of this, they often downplay the reality of abuse, or misunderstand the dynamics of abuse, and can make marriages where abuse is present worse.
Finally, biblical counsellors may downplay the role of trauma in a person’s psychological well-being, instead blaming most problems on sin and/or spiritual weakness. Here’s an in-depth (but sad) account of the failures of biblical counseling from a child sexual assault survivor that shows how too often the Bible is used as a weapon, rather than a tool, in this counseling framework.
Helpful Questions to Ask Before Choosing A Counsellor
1. What is your educational background?
How long was their course in counselling? Was it done at an accredited university? Do they have a license? Their answer can reveal a lot about their personal philosophies on mental health, trauma, and more.
2. What are your views on submission in marriage, and what should a wife do if she feels that her husband is ignoring her legitimate needs?
If you are going to a counsellor for marriage issues, you need to make sure that the counsellor’s aim is that everyone’s legitimate needs are being met, rather than simply trying to maintain a hierarchy in marriage.
Please ensure that they don’t classify trying to draw good boundaries in marriage with your husband as being in sin.
3. Is there a situation where you would recommend individual counselling versus marriage counselling?
This question is trying to find out if the counselor prioritizes safety over the marriage. Look for clues to see if the counselor is willing to advocate for the spouse that is in need of protection. An eagerness to bring the couple together for therapy sessions, without significant progress in individual counseling, is also something to watch out for.
4. Can you describe common marital issues you have seen in your practice and how they are remedied?
With this question, you are looking for responsibility to be placed rightly on the husband and the wife. You will also get insight into how the counselor recognizes that the husband and the wife may be responsible in different ways. Any answer that appears to blame an emotional spouse, or suggest submitting more, is a red flag that this counselor is going to be dismissive of one spouse. A good counselor will help a married couple get to the root cause of the marital issues.
5. Is there any situation in which you would recommend that someone leave a marriage? Can you describe what that would look like?
I’m all for keeping marriages together. But I also know that some marriages cannot be saved, and that requiring a spouse to stay in a marriage with an abusive or addictive spouse is not fair or right.
However, some biblical counsellors would never advise separation or divorce. If this is the case, then they are not safe to go to if you are having marriage difficulties. Even if you are not considering of divorce or separation, you need to see a counsellor who is primarily concerned for your safety.
6. Would you consider yourself to be trauma-informed? What does that term mean to you?
Trauma-informed has almost become a buzzword. But what does it even mean?
A counselor who is trauma-informed has taken extra training to better counsel people who have experienced traumatic life events. To be truly trauma-informed a counselor must complete this training that helps them to be more aware and careful when treating their patients with a history of trauma. A good counselor is always improving themselves and looking for new and more effective ways to serve their patients. If a counselor does not appear to be open to continuing to learn then this may be a clue that they are closed off in general. If you do have trauma, then going to a trauma-informed counselor is very important.
Counseling has the potential to be damaging as much as it has the potential to be healing.
7. Can you tell me what your definition of emotional abuse is? Ask for examples they’ve seen in their practice
Even if you do not think you are not dealing with emotional abuse in your marriage, find out if the counsellor believes that emotional abuse is real (many, unfortunately, don’t). If your counsellor does not believe this abuse is real, then they are not well-equipped to help you because they don’t understand basic dynamics in marriage. If they believe that standing up against abuse is sinful in and of itself, they may also be dangerous.
8. What are your favourite books on marriage?
If they say Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs or Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl, run for the hills! Those books both encourage women to enable their husband’s sin and selfishness rather than standing up and dealing with it appropriately. God does not call us to enable sin!
If you are seeking marriage counseling, it is very important that you understand their opinion of proper gender roles in marriage, because if they believe that a wife must do what her husband says no matter what, then you may be in a very difficult position.
"A groundbreaking look into what true, sacred biblical sexuality is intended to be. A must-read." - Rachael Denhollander
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?
What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue.
A helpful word of advice from a therapist
A few years ago, my friend Dr. Camden Morgante wrote a very helpful blog post for me about Next Steps After Reading The Great Sex Rescue. In her article, She listed out some great tips for finding a therapist and explained what you can expect as you begin your healing journey:
“Options for licensed professionals: A licensed mental health professional has at least a Masters degree and several years of counseling experience. Find someone trained in couples therapy, trauma, or sex therapy depending on your presenting concern. The degree (Masters or Doctorate) or license type (licensed counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc.) of the professional is often not as important as their specialization. It is important to note that licensing laws typically only allow clinicians to practice in their home state, so your options can be geographically limited.
Therapy can take as few as 8 to 10 sessions or last several years depending on the history and severity of your problem. You may want to find a therapist who takes your insurance, but also don’t be afraid to see someone who is “out of network” or “self-pay only”. While you may pay more out of pocket, this can be worth it in the long run because you can select someone who is highly trained and specialized in sexual issues and who is not restricted or limited by insurance.
You can find a therapist by asking your medical provider or friends for a referral, seeing if your work has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that covers a few sessions, or check with your insurance if you wish to use this as payment. Therapist databases like Psychology Today will allow you to search for all different types of mental health professionals in your area by specialty.”
Counseling is a big investment in both money and time.
It’s important to find the right person. And if your spouse or your church is insisting on a counselor that you don’t think it safe, it’s okay to refuse to go. Bad counseling can often make things worse.
I’d love to hear from you now: Are there other questions you would use to vet a counselor? What would be your #9? Let’s talk in the comments!
The account from the childhood sexual assault survivor… I know those feelings so well! It’s horrible that I’m grateful that I never spoke up! I thought about it a couple times and I always “chickened out” and now I don’t half wonder if it was the Holy Spirit protecting me from further damage. Because I know those counseling methods. I heard them taught. I internalized the forgiveness and bitterness messages, but felt no bitterness or anger or anything besides guilt and shame. It took me over ten years and a desperate clinging to sound theology on God’s forgiveness to finally rid myself of the needless guilt, and I didn’t lose the shame until I read The Great Sex Rescue.
I’m sure I don’t know what question #9 would be for me except maybe do you have experience with church trauma? Because that definitely dovetails with a lot. Sadly.
Thank you for these questions though! If I ever work up the money and nerve for therapy, I’ll know what to ask!
Question #9 for me would be “Are you familiar with the work of Dr. Elaine Aron (https://hsperson.com/)?
People who fall into the SPS category usually heal a bit differently and “normal” looks different for them. Trauma can also affect them more severely in terms of coping mechanisms and social losses.
I couldn’t understand why a popular online forum for abused women left me feeling suicidal, and this perspective has also helped me to understand the issues experienced by my son.
A therapist without this understanding may be more prone to prescribing pharmaceuticals to deal with innate behaviours in a client, rather than helping a client to honour and explore these parts of themselves and to integrate them.
Even with therapy, people are individuals and “normal” is not a hard set uniform standard.
Talking with a psychiatrist who trained with Dr. Aron, apparently HSP is thought to be on the same continuum as Autism. But it doesn’t warrant an Autustic diagnosis.
Psychology Today website is my favorite place to look for therapists in the US. (I don’t know if there are Canadian options listed.) They have filters for location, preferred gender of therapist, religion, insurance, areas of specialty, etc. There are alot of therapist bio’s on there with a blurb about who they are and what their approach is. For me, this site worked out better than word-of-mouth recommendations.
>> the belief that all one needs to be healthy is the Bible.
We’ve talked about this before on the site. The bible is a great place to start, but it’s not the end-all and be-all of everything. Even the bible itself says “Fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom” (Proverbs 9), not the end of wisdom or the entirety of Wisdom. The bible mainly teaches us about God, how to be a good person, how to relate to God, and how to do good to others in the world. It’s not a scientific text, and it doesn’t really address how to handle issues in relationships, especially in ones that are abusive.
There is nothing wrong or unGodly about seeking advice and assistance from beyond the Bible or church.
And, ironically, the advice the “biblical counsellors” give, such as endless demands of the wife to submit more, to have more sex, to make the marriage only about his wants, to take the blame of her husband’s failings on herself, isn’t actually in the bible!
Sheila, I am working on a research project for one of my classes this semester, and I am interested in examining whether some of your research might be pertinent to my topic. Are you able to email me at the address I leave in my information below?
Although I think I understand what is being said, the first sentence after
question 7 seems confusing. Typo?
(“Even if you do not think you are not dealing with emotional abuse in your marriage, find out if the counsellor believes that emotional abuse is real…”)
Yes, that is what I meant. Even if you don’t think you’re a victim of emotional abuse, a good therapist believes in emotional abuse and that it’s a reason for divorce. Seeing a therapist who doesn’t believe it’s a reason for divorce or that it’s that serious will mean they do bad therapy in other areas as well.
A friend who recommended it had died at 37 years old of alcohol poisoning. She was an alcoholic. I had the experience while receiving counseling of the counselor briefly mentioning L & R. I knew it was a bad book. After the mention of L & R at the counselor’s office, we only went to 1 or 2 more sessions with that counselor.
I’m glad that you left that counselor!