Shame from our preteen introduction to sex is horrible.
None of us wants shame about sex or about puberty, but a lot of us are carrying it. And how can we make sure we don’t pass it on to our kids?
One of the big messages at Bare Marriage is that it is possible to embrace sex and marriage the way God intended, no matter your past. I want to give hope, because I believe that that is what God wants for us. He created us to experience real intimacy physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
The fact that you’re reading this, I hope, means that you agree!
But sometimes even if we’re committed to that for ourselves, we can still worry that we’ll somehow recreate our own issues in the next generation.
I’ve been thinking about that this week as we’ve relaunched The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty & Growing Up, a video-based course to help parents talk to their kids about sex and puberty (see it here!).
A lot of us find it difficult to talk to our kids about sex and puberty because we carry a lot of shame.
And it’s not just parents who find these discussions awkward, either! Many of us feel awkward even talking to our spouses about sex, or when we’re mentoring younger people, because talking about sex just seems wrong somehow.
It’s our passion to help make these talks easier and less stressful–which leads us to this reader question:
Our sex life was such a struggle when we first got married thanks to the whole puritan view, sex is bad, sex is bad, sex is bad…NOPE, now sex is good.
When I got married, I was a WRECK about sex and my body did not respond in any way to sex. My doc at the time told me to see a therapist because it was all in my head; I was way too uptight about sex. NOT HELPFUL.
My parents never talked to me about becoming a woman, sex, or anything. I didn’t have any advice for my honeymoon. I lived in a very modest, prudish household, and I am still that way, if I’m not consciously challenging myself.
I don’t want that for my children. I struggle with making sex a comfortable topic in our home. I have four children (we figured out sex at least four times, lol) and I don’t want them to have the same issues and hangups I have. Help me break that cycle. Your words speak to a deep place in my soul, and I often weep when I read your words. I feel validated. I feel uplifted. I feel encouraged. Keep speaking the truth to us!
I love that!
So let’s get back to the basics today about how to talk to kids about sex even if we still have our own hangups.
Often our shame about sex, and our inability to talk about it, stems from deep shame about our bodies, as if there’s something wrong with them. Let’s look at how this may play out:
What happens when a mom hates the idea of bodies changing?
When her son or daughter starts hitting puberty, she’s going to want to avoid it. She’s going to feel like puberty is something to mourn. She’s going to feel like it’s hard to talk to her kids now, because she’s somehow sad for them, even if she doesn’t want to be. She’s going to think of something else to talk about every time it may come up, because she doesn’t want her child to feel the shame that she does, and the only way to avoid that is to hope that her child just doesn’t think about it much.
What happens if a dad grows up feeling very, very ashamed because when he was in his young teens he watched porn a lot?
He likely grew up feeling like he was some sort of pervert–like he could never overcome this and get right with God.
Now his son is 10, but how can he talk to him about the dangers or our pornographic society when he feels deeply ashamed himself? How can he say anything other than “don’t watch it” when he still has to fight the struggle to watch it? How can he talk to his son openly if he has a hard time being authentic himself?
It seems easier to ignore it.
You can’t ignore puberty.
Big changes are happening to your kids. And encouraging kids to hide those changes, ignore them, or pretend these changes don’t matter makes the child feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with having an adult body and adult desires.
Likely we’d all agree with that. Our letter writer certainly would! She said that she struggles making sex a comfortable topic, but she also doesn’t want that for her kids.
But here’s the sad truth about parenting:
Our kids tend to pick up on our own attitudes about sex.
Even if we don’t want them to, they tend to follow what our emotions are obviously showing, rather than what our words are saying. So it isn’t enough to figure out how to say the right words to our kids. We have to address our own emotions.
How do we change the way we think about something? We have to replace it with truth. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says this:
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
How does this defeat shame?
You have to face what’s already there before the truth can take hold. Unless you face the truth about what you’re really feeling–those feelings will still have power over you. And that’s going to come out in how you talk about sex, especially with your kids.
Start demolishing the lies you believe about sex with The Great Sex Rescue and She Deserves Better!
And then level with yourself. Sometimes those things are deep-seated feelings stemming from our childhoods (I can’t get undressed in front of my sisters because that’s somehow shameful; I can’t let the kids see me kissing their dad because it’s not good to show affection; I have to wear baggy clothes because my body is a problem.)
When we take those feelings and deliberately replace them with truth (my body is fine just the way it is, and God made me, and there is nothing wrong with the female body; it’s good for the children to see that their father and I love each other; God takes pleasure in the fact that I can be passionate), then eventually those thoughts will become our new feelings.
Sometimes that takes a while. When we have deep hurts, like those stemming from abuse, we often need help from a licensed counselor too!
But here’s the thing to remember: Even if the feelings are not 100% in alignment with truth, you can still tell kids the truth. You can decide to break the cycle not because you feel differently about sex yourself, but because you know that this is not the way it should be, and you decide that you will tell your child something different.
A smoker can tell other people not to start smoking, even if they have a hard time stopping.
What they’re saying is still true.
But if you’re telling them that sex is great, even while you feel like it’s not, then is that lying?
Well, let’s take another look at what we mean by that:
Authenticity matters more than perfection when we’re talking about hard things.
Our kids need us to be authentic.
All righty, then. Doesn’t that mean that we have to authentically feel great about sex in order to teach them to feel great about sex?
No, it doesn’t. It means that we need to tell them the truth AND tell them our feelings behind it. It’s okay to tell them,
You know, honey, I had a really hard time asking my mom questions about this stuff because she was never open with me, and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I still feel that, and I fight against it everyday. But I want more for you. And this is really, really hard for me to talk about. I know I’m going to mess it up. But I want you to know that even if I don’t tell you this in just the right way, or even if it’s awkward, that’s my problem, not yours. And let me tell you that God wants you to understand that He made you beautifully, and He created you for so much, and your body is part of that. I’m so glad that you won’t have the same issues I did, and I hope as you grow I can even learn from you to take pride in how God made me, because that’s what I so want from you!
That’s being authentic. That’s not trying to be something you aren’t. That’s not pretending that you have it all together (kids can see right through that). That’s telling them your fears, but also telling them the truth.
Sharing our story frees our kids to write their own.
This is going to be a little convoluted, so bear with me for a moment.
When kids know that there is something “off” about how you react to certain things, but they aren’t given a reason why, then their minds have to create a reason. So let’s say that you’re like this letter writer, and you find yourself clamming up whenever sex is mentioned. You turn red if anyone makes a risque joke. You feel constantly embarrassed if you have to change in front of someone, even someone in your own family.
Kids watching you are going to start assuming certain things.
- My mom thinks sex is bad.
- I’m her child, so I’m just like my mom.
- Therefore, there must be something wrong with sex.
They may also assume that they’re the problem.
- Whenever I ask my mom anything to do with sex, she clams up.
- Therefore, I must be doing something bad.
- It’s shameful of me to think these things. There’s something wrong with me for thinking these things.
Do you see how these thought patterns happen?
Now, what would happen if we could simply explain what was going on? Then we could change the progression.
- My mom reacts weirdly whenever sex is mentioned.
- My mom sat down with me and told me that her parents didn’t handle this well and made her feel ashamed, and she’s still working on that.
- My mom wants to change and live out the truth, but she finds it difficult
- My mom says that I’m my own person and I don’t need to follow in her footsteps.
- So I can decide for myself what I’m going to believe.
When children understand your reaction, then they are free to decide for themselves what reaction they will have. When they don’t understand your reaction, then they will tend to adopt it as their own.
Telling them the truth frees them to feel their own emotions, rather than adopting yours.
And if you’re still having trouble starting those conversations, and you want to do it in a safe way, then let us help! The Whole Story was written for people who are scared they’ll clam up and just won’t be able to get the words out. Or for moms whose daughters seem to clam up whenever they try to start the conversation, and don’t seem to want to talk at all.
Because the daughters will be hearing from Rebecca and Katie, two young women closer to their age, and the boys will hear from young men closer to their age, the stress level comes down. It doesn’t seem so weird. And then it’s far easier to continue the conversation with you!
Let us start the conversation for you, and we’ll take care of the tough spots.
Check out The Whole Story: not-so-scary truths about sex, puberty, and growing up!
Remember, the courses are on sale during this launch period, until October 28! So get them now–and if you buy the VIP versions, you’ll have lifetime access if we ever update them again.
And now, let me know: Do you worry about passing on shame to your kids? What are you doing about it? Let’s talk in the comments!
This is good. I definitely do worry about passing on shame to my 4 daughters. It’s hard to prepare to discuss this with them when I’m doing something I’ve never experienced or seen being done. I have been working on my own beliefs and mindset for 3+ years now, and feel like I still have so far to go. 🙁 I don’t know that it would be appropriate or helpful to go into much detail with the kids about my issues, but it is helpful to consider sharing with them that it’s still an area where I’m learning and growing too, and that I want to walk alongside them as they go through it. I’ve felt a little crippled in trying to proceed because I don’t have everything perfectly sorted out and conquered in my own mind (but then again, none of us ever arrive at perfection, we’re always learning and growing), so this is great encouragement to forge ahead, with humility and confidence to show my girls that I may not handle everything perfectly, but I’m always here to talk and learn and grow with them.
I can attest that what Sheila says has been true for me. I got absolutely no education (other than scary public school stuff), no direction, no nothing. The only story I remember is one where my mother told me she knew of an engaged couple that broke up because one passed gas in front of the other. If just a fart can be that powerful… Lord, have mercy! I’m still digging out of such a mess of horrible teachings, silence, and a boatload of trauma responses, but as Sheila said, you can point to what God declared good and still honestly confess that you’re still growing in this area, too. And as you practice showing up authentically and teaching your kiddos the good truth about their bodies and sex, it becomes easier. My girls know it frankly sucked for me, but both are comfortable in their bodies and feel free to speak about or ask any question. The sexual trauma is NOT being passed on by the grace of God, hallelujah. Having a guide like with Sheila and co have put together will ease the talks tremendously, too! Having a framework would have been amazing (my girls are older)!