You shouldn’t prioritize sex in your marriage.
That’s how we open chapter four of our new book The Marriage You Want. Instead, we argue, you should prioritize the ingredients of great sex.
I’m going to talking about this further in a FREE webinar with Jay Stringer this FRIDAY, April 4, at 1 pm EST, and I’d love for you to be there! You can register here.
But to flesh this out a little more, I’d like to rerun a post I wrote on this back in 2021, right after The Great Sex Rescue was published, which gets at the heart of it!
I see advice all the time telling married couples to “prioritize your sex life.”
And you know what? I agree! That’s why I’ve written multiple books on sex. That’s why I’ve written courses on orgasms and libido and even how to talk to kids about sex.
Sex is meant to be something AMAZING in your marriage.
With that being said, though, when people say, “prioritize your sex life”, what do they mean?
I was tagged by some of you on Facebook alerting me to an article on XO Marriage called “The Ten Secrets of Happy Couples.” It’s not a bad article, with pretty good advice on what makes a happy marriage, though they don’t go into depth on any one thing. But let’s look at what they say specifically about sex:
Prioritize your sex life.
It takes much more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it is nearly impossible to build a strong marriage without it. Prioritize your spouse’s sexual needs. If your spouse is the one with the higher drive, then work to meet their need since you are the only legitimate source on earth where that need can be met. With prioritizing your sex life, don’t prioritize just the act itself but also more affection, foreplay, flirtation, and celebration of each other. Work to find solutions when you face setbacks in your health or sex life and be patient and tender with each other when insecurities or limitations occur. Sex is a gift from God that’s meant to be enjoyed in marriage, so enjoy it!
Okay, on its face this is fairly good, generic advice. What are we being asked to do?
- Prioritize your spouse’s sexual needs
- The lower libido spouse should work to meet the higher drive spouse’s needs
- Don’t prioritize just sex but also put more affection, foreplay, flirtation, and celebration in your sex life
- Find solutions when you face health problems or sex problems
- Be patient and tender with each other when limitations occur
- Enjoy sex
Again, all good advice. And I like how they didn’t assume the higher drive spouse would be the man, either.
But if you were to describe what the MAIN piece of advice was to prioritize your sex life, what would it be?
Likely this, because it’s the only place where they say anything more than something generic:
“If your spouse is the one with the higher drive, then work to meet their need since you are the only legitimate source on earth where that need can be met.”
That’s the main piece of advice. So the big problem that they see is that people aren’t having enough sex, and the high drive spouse is left without their needs met.
The article then goes on to say that you need to increase affection and foreplay and flirting, and you need to find solutions to problems. But it doesn’t say anything more than that.
The reader is left with the feeling that the big problem that needs to be addressed is making sure the lower libido spouse has sex more, and then everything else is a series of tick boxes.
There’s just one problem: As we found in our survey of 20,000 women, frequency and libido are not the issue.
Frequency and libido tend to be symptoms of something else–at least when women are the ones with the lower sex drive, which is more common than the other way around.
I have said this repeatedly, and I’ll say it again:
When women regularly reach orgasm; when they feel connected to their spouse during sex; when they have high marital satisfaction; when he isn’t using porn; when there is no sexual dysfunction–frequency tends to take care of itself.
Why do we talk so much about telling the low libido spouse to have more sex, and we never mention the orgasm gap?
We have an orgasm gap of 47 points, where 95% of men almost always or always reach orgasm during a sexual encounter, compared with just 48% of evangelical women.
If we want to talk about how to prioritize your sex life, I think the very first thing we should talk about, before we talk about frequency at all, is making sure sex is actually good for her. Yes, this article spends one word (!) on foreplay, but only one word. It says nothing about ensuring that BOTH spouses reach orgasm, but only about ensuring that sex is happening frequently enough.
I don’t mean to beat up on this one article, it’s just such a good example of the problems with the way we talk about sex.
We tend to use generic terms (note how they never say arousal, orgasm, etc.), which means that they could claim they were implying that she should reach orgasm, since it did say to meet each other’s sexual needs. But it would be really easy to read that article and come away with the idea that the lower libido wife, even if she never reaches orgasm, should be having sex more; not that the higher libido husband had to figure out how to bring her to orgasm. After all, what do “sexual needs” really mean?
That’s what we’re trying to do in The Great Sex Rescue: reframe sex so that BOTH people’s experiences are prioritized. Biblically, sex is MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE for both. A good sex life isn’t one where intercourse happens frequently. It’s one where both people regularly reach orgasm and where both feel intimate and cherished.
When we talk about prioritizing our sex lives, I would like the church to address the orgasm gap FIRST, before we talk about frequency.
The fact that we are so silent about the orgasm gap is telling. What would happen if we stressed the importance of women’s orgasms as much as we did men’s frequency? We’d change the whole emphasis!
Again–I’m not saying that your sex life is inadequate if you never reach orgasm, or that you’ve failed. So many couples take a long time to get there! And as we found in The Great Sex Rescue, so many women believe things that artificially lower their orgasm rates. You’ve likely grown up in a church culture that has taught you things that have made it much harder for you to reach orgasm, and that is not your fault.
The good news is that you can get over that! And if you want more help, our orgasm course goes into depth on how to reframe how you see sex and orgasm, and different techniques that can help you reach it!
And if you’re a guy and you are frustrated that your wife doesn’t want sex more, here’s an exercise to take you through to see if you may be contributing to the problem at all (you may not be; but it’s good to check first).
Another one of my goals for The Great Sex Rescue was to help you all become discerning when you read marriage & sex advice.
Next time you hear someone talk about the importance of “prioritizing your sex life”, listen to what they’re saying. Are they emphasizing women’s orgasm as much as they’re pressuring women to give men more sex? Are they mentioning the importance of making sure that sex is great for both of you BEFORE you start talking about spicing things up or frequency? Because if not, the emphasis is off, and we need to do a course correction.
Join me for the One Thing webinar with Jay Stringer!
Jay says:
I’m increasingly frustrated with how both the church and popular culture talk about sex. Their messages distract us from what truly matters—the personal and relational growth that intimacy requires. Ironically, this lack of development is precisely what keeps us from the passion and fulfillment we crave.
That’s why I’m launching a free webinar series called “The One Thing.”
Join us for this free event on April 4th at 1 PM ET / 10 AM PT.
Can’t make it live? No worries—we’ll send a recording to everyone who registers.
This series is perfect for faith leaders and anyone seeking theological, clinically informed, and research-backed insights on sexual formation.
Looking forward to seeing you there.
What do you think? Are we over-emphasizing frequency? How can we get people to talk about this better? Let’s talk in the comments!
“you should prioritize the ingredients of great sex.” There are some requirements that are fairly easy to talk about, because they are essentially nonsexual- things like quality time, attention, energy, privacy, communication, health. Those are really the baseline for quality relationships of both sexual and nonsexual relationships- if you have no boundaries with work, or screentime, or other commitments, your relationships, including your sex life, are going to suffer.
But that second level of actual sexual knowledge- what is arousal? What does orgasm feel like? How do most women experience their first orgasm? How much time for foreplay or direct stimulation is generally needed for women to enjoy sexual encounters? So often it’s been glossed over with “you’ll have fun figuring it out!” Which I now take to mean these authors don’t really know the answer. Instead, the main drumbeat seems to be, “sex starts out exciting but then becomes humdrum and infrequent with the arrival of kids and life’s pressures… don’t let that be you!” Followed by many anecdotes of how women achieved that for their men through feats of great sexiness, with the occasional story of a man who actually thought to arrange babysitting, or turned on the water in the bathtub for his wife (but no mention of whether he cleaned it first).
I still remember an anecdote from Kevin Leman’s book that I sadly read before getting married, which described a couple that had a 5 kids and their sex life was characterized as a a “3 minute routine.” The lesson I took away from that as a very naive newlywed was that the problem with a three minute sexual encounter was that it was “routine” and “boring,” but still considered sex. It didn’t make it clear that it would be impossible for any woman to experience sexual enjoyment, let alone orgasm, in 3 minutes. But either he didn’t know that, it didn’t matter, or he was too shy to make a distinction between a man’s “boring” orgasms and woman’s nonexistent ones. The anecdote concluded that the couple started being “excited” about sex again when they started “prioritizing” their time together and spent FIVE whole minutes— no I’m just kidding, he didn’t actually say how much time they “prioritized”. But apparently a little more time and prioritization were all they needed, everything else apparently fell nicely into place. 🙄
I believe Sheila has not opened a door on this church-related problem (women simply not having a reason for frequent sex) but rather kicked open the door with the boom-boom firearm Terry Crews used in the movie, The Expendables. While Sheila has regarded many of the tenets of a quality marital life which includes a healthy sex life for both women and men in a functional relationship, the “quality” of the same cannot be overstated. Sheila and her team are just one entity, with the boom-boom gun, opening the way for the rest of us to navigate their path into our own conversations with the church, with our pastors, and with our children. However, I can only imagine the distress on Sheila and her team bearing the weight of knowledge from so many women who have been abused by this sexual one-sidedness spiritually, emotionally, and maritally. I am one. What does one do when the House of Cards that was the marriage falls down and actually receives a second chance? The answer may be obvious to some: this is fantastic news, you’ve been given a second chance, and the healing is the best part as you two grow closer together. These are positive things, yes. But here is my fear – what if one spouse has been so damaged emotionally and sexually for over 25 years and has agreed to a second chance because the other spouse is remorseful and making positive steps, and yet, the abused spouse has nothing to give and just needs time to heal? Even if the abused spouse feels blessed by the marriage having a second wind, but the spouse’s body has just shut down completely and requires time to work through the trauma. What happens then and what message from the church will be adopted to coerce the abused spouse to “consider your spouse’s timeline…while you are prioritizing your healing you must also prioritize their needs, too?” It is a hard thing to be abused for 25+ years and do an about-face because the pressure is there to do so. I have heard shows on just women: as mothers, as wives, as women, and as females. These shows are empowering. In these shows, I have learned that menstruation cycles and hormones ARE a big deal and women are NOT crazy but rather at the mercy of their own bodies. Likewise, the same is true, and more so when she carries to term and delivers a baby – she is merely along for the ride. And too, when a woman must heal her trauma, she is also at the mercy of her body and what her body will/will not do and what her body will go through physically, emotionally, and sexually. There is not enough female anatomy and hormone education for men, and dare I say that it is completely void in the prior Christian marriage books except for how a woman must tame herself around her husband while she is either going through her cycle, being uncomfortably pregnant, or having to remember that his needs prioritize the newborn’s needs. It is not enough for one woman and her team to voice the concerns and prove them with data. The fact that we do not hear women all around the country standing up in their churches and saying, “Enough of this,” begs to question of why. Are there more abused women in congregations who are afraid to speak than originally accounted for or do these women believe the pulpit rhetoric because their own husbands do not abuse them? Sheila, your work is profound and will remain historical against all odds. I pray for you and your team because it is truly a modern-day David and Goliath – but please, always remember how that story ended. Obviously, we know who David is in our modern-day example. Goliath is every pastor and Christian author who has attacked you and has promoted these salaciously sermonized messages as the “gospel” for women in support of only men. Their arguments are built on sand. We all know yours is evidence-based and built on rock. I know for myself I have stopped all the spinning of it in my life. And as I sit on the carousel horse, I’m giving myself the time to think it all through and change the negative messages that have so long shaped me into the positive construct I now live. Thank you for being a part of my journey. 🙂
“It is a hard thing to be abused for 25+ years and do an about-face because the pressure is there to do so.”
And how often does this 25 years of abuse follow 25 years of purity culture telling women their bodies are inherently sinful and dangerous FOR MEN until suddenly, nay, MAGICALLY, those same female bodies become wonderful and sexy and the anytime-anywhere sexual property of their husbands as soon as they marry?
Very few people can reverse decades of teaching overnight, especially when the teaching causes traumatic effects to the body that must ALSO be overcome.
Probably a lot.
I wasn’t raided in Christianese Purity Culture – far from it – but for some reason I ended up internalizing most of its tropes.
Purity culture also shortchanges boys & men. As in getting bribed to save themselves for marriage(TM) by promising them barn-burning swinigng-from-the-chandeliers dynamite married S*E*X 24/7 starting the instant they finally get married. During this time they also get a sex education from the surrounding culture while “Thou Shalt NOT Think of the Pink Elephant” — put those two together and I’m surprised we don’t see a lot of paraphiliae (kinks) developing. Then they say “I Do” expecting their bride to immediately flip from Virgin Unto Death to My Personal Porn Star servicing my every paraphilia and expectation and Urrrge in the Arrreas built up during all those intervening years.
These are NOT realistic expectations.
There’s also a comment from an old Internet Monk comment thread that meandered into Purity Culture:
“EVIL SEEMS TO BE THE SIDE MOST OBSESSED WITH PURITY.”
This is so good, Max. I’m actually planning a podcast on this with all kinds of reader letters saying exactly that–we’ve changed our minds, but I feel like I’m done and dead inside. How do you come back from that?
Thank you so much for your encouragement too!
Sheila – i hope you forgive me for what i am about to share in response to your thoughtfulness. let me say – i do not condone firearm abuse, even gun humor. however, to emphasize my point after reading this article, this is a 30-second clip of Terry Crews using what i affectionately call the “boom-boom” gun. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQWq1Z-J-EE i am telling you that the impact you have had on my life, my marriage, my kids, and the little girl inside of me – there is no other visual analogy that i can come up with, even remotely close, other than this one. to all the women who were hurt – we have been heard and seen. instead of taking lives, i see Sheila with the boom-boom gun blowing a part every Christian author’s “marriage help” book in the last decade plus. with all of the overwhelming weight you may or may not be receiving from peers or from these authors, let’s have a good belly laugh on behalf of it all. image a t-shirt – “Sheila with the boom-boom gun!” i send this to you in jest and hope everyone can get a giggle. i also send it to you because i cannot see you any other way and the little girl inside now feels safe because someone safe came along and saved her.
HAHAHA! Max, thank you. Not the kind of movie I would normally watch, but I totally get the analogy, and I really hope I’m as successful as Terry was! 🙂
Thank you for your encouragement!
I don’t know your situation or your theology but I do want to say i believe a woman or man treated this way should feel absolute permission to leave. You can forgive much easier, apart from anything else, when you don’t have to live with the person who treated you so badly for so long. Just because the majority of church culture seems to want only to redeem marriages, and not care for the people within the marriages, does not mean you have to suffer for potentially the rest of your life.
I have friends who went through similar to you, and their marriage ended, and they still have problems with the wonderful, faithful new husband who knows the horrors of what they went through, and is honest, open, accountable and faithful. Yet the woman who suffered previous abuse just never feels she can truly trust again. Trust will always be a choice, not a feeling. i just think there are some consequences to having suffered betrayal and abuse that are lifelong no matter how much forgiveness or work is done. That doesn’t mean u can’t have a great marriage again but there are things that just won’t be possible.
“…which means that they could claim they were implying that she should reach orgasm, since it did say to meet each other’s sexual needs.”
A problem with that is many of the other resources previously available claim women don’t typically have sexual needs- or they claim their “sexual needs” are a conversation now and then to feel “closer,” which lets husbands off the hook for her orgasm. I know this article kept it gender neutral in that, but when supplemented with the other advice out there, it just doesn’t get it done.
————–
I think prioritizing your sex LIFE should be important. That means looking at all aspects that feed into it. If we go through life drinking water but never wearing clothes, seeking shelter, or eating food, we will eventually die. If we ignore most components of a sex LIFE and only focus on having intercourse, our sex lives will die. Sex should be life-giving, not life-stealing.
By “this article” i meant the XOMarriage one you quoted, not the Bare Marriage article.
Absolutely! The way that I put it is that we should prioritize the ingredients of great sex.
Lol, your mention of “ingredients” makes me think of the conversation/post a while back about ravioli… Maybe that’s a way to go about talking on this subject with people who feel it is too taboo. 😄
The other thing I notice from this article (the original, not Bare Marriage’s one) is that while it acknowledges that ‘sex life’ isn’t purely intercourse, it just act as if it is the only really important thing. And for those who are experiencing health problems, we need to “find solutions”. For many people, ‘finding solutions’ is just not possible, and they may have to go many weeks or months without intercourse – and sometimes accept that it will never again be possible. I’m tired of seeing so many writers treating intercourse as the only sex that REALLY matters – it’s just so dismissive and offensive toward those who are suffering from long-term medical conditions, as it implies their marriages are somehow ‘second class’ for not having enough of the ‘right’ kind of sex!
Very good point!
I wonder what would happen if women were to routinely end intercourse before the man reaches orgasm.
He can have all the intercourse he wants… and no orgasms. Tell him that the frequency is what matters; it’s intercourse and not climax that matters; and if it’s okay for him to end the encounter before she climaxes, she can end it before he climaxes.
Because orgasm =\= intercourse for most women.
Alternately, I wish this “frequency” advice would exhort men to perform cunnilingus on a frequent basis. Hey, you’re her only source of it!
“95% of men almost always or always reach orgasm during a sexual encounter, compared with just 48% of evangelical women.”
And evangelical women also have some of the highest rates of vaginissimus of any group.