Has gentle parenting been given a bad rap? For good reason?
We had an amazing podcast last week with Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families, and this Tuesday we’re doing a FREE webinar with Wendy to talk about how to parent with both kindness and firmness. It’s all about compassionate discipline!
Now, many of you may not know that every Friday, Rebecca writes an AMAZING email that goes out to our email list. You don’t get to read it anywhere else–but more people read her email than actually see my weekly posts! And she has an amazing open rate.
She wrote something summarizing a lot of our parenting thoughts last Friday, and I wanted to share it here with you all today–and encourage you to sign up for our email list so you can see what all the fuss is about (and also be notified when our launch team for The Marriage You Want is starting; when I’m speaking near you; when we’re hosting a Zoom call later this month to brainstorm about getting our work out into the Spanish community!).
So here’s Rebecca!
I think one of the biggest branding mistakes has been in the world of parenting.
And it’s specifically with the concept of “gentle” parenting.
But first, a refresher: there are four types of parents identified in psychology that are described by how much “responsiveness” and “demandingness” they have for their children. Responsiveness is often called “warmth,” and is just that—emotional connection, how much they respond to their child’s bids, if they soothe their children, etc. Demandingness is also often called “control,” and is the measure of whether or not the family has consistent expectations for their child, if they follow through when their child doesn’t meet the expectations.
Here’s a chart to show the four options:
So here’s where I feel branding got all messed up: there’s been a ton of really great information put out about the dangers of authoritarian parenting styles, and how they don’t actually work long-term. Spanking, harsh punishments, families where the focus is obedience instead of giving the child space to ask questions, push back, and learn why things aren’t allowed often lead to worse outcomes in terms of parent-child relationship, mental health outcomes, and behavioural outcomes, too (these kids are really likely to rebel because of unrealistic expectations due to that high control, low warmth)!
Parents who veer towards authoritarian parenting need to be taught now to be gentle. They need that warmth, that connection piece, that willingness to step back and let their kids have a voice at the table. They need to learn how to handle their kids’ emotions without anger, how to embrace that their kid is not going to always obey perfectly the first time and understand how connection needs to come before correction.
For these parents, I believe the term “gentle parenting” is fantastic.
But what about those parents who are on the permissive side?
What about the parents who are actually really, really gentle—but they need to learn some boundaries for their kids?
What about the parents who don’t need to be taught to connect with their kids, because that’s their natural response, but who need to be encouraged to hold firm and not give in?
What about the parents who need to be taught, “Hey, it’s OK if your kid is mad at you sometimes?”
I think the term “gentle” is just so loaded that I worry it completely fails to get the message across.
Because here’s something that really hit me when I realized we were moving into a bit of a permissive parenting rut: authoritative parents are actually marked by having high levels of demandingness.
Are they a domineering, angry, cement block that’s unmoving and unwilling to hear feedback? Absolutely not, authoritative parents actually are quite willing to change the rules if it would make sense to do so. But healthy parents do know that they are, in fact, in charge—their control just isn’t based in fear, threats and punishments. They have expectations of their children that are consistent and understood. Your words matter if you are authoritative parenting—if your words don’t have an impact, you’re actually likely a permissive parent.
I think a lot of people consider the idea of “parental control” and “gentleness” to be mutually exclusive.
And that’s why I really wish the gentle parenting movement had used a different word, one that took into consideration the need to correct not just the harshly punitive parenting practices but also the permissive ones. I would have loved “assertive connection” or “boundaries-based” parenting or something like that. Because I worry that the role of the parent—to be a strong, firm, kind, foundation for the child from which they are free to explore—is often lost in the way this parenting style has been branded.
Gentle parents still have to enforce boundaries. Gentle parents still have to carry kids kicking and screaming out of playdates if they won’t stop hitting other kids. Gentle parents still have to do the work to make sure their children know that no means no. Gentle parents aren’t always “fun” parents because children need more than just affection—they also need stability and predictability through consistently enforced boundaries.
So if you’re someone who veers towards authoritarian parenting, please don’t be afraid to become a bit more gentle. Your child needs you to provide them with stability, yes, but not an unwavering brick wall. Be a soft place for them to land if they make a mistake, be someone who they can challenge with questions and really wrestle through issues instead of just answering with a “because I’m the parent.” Fight the urge to see challenges to rules as inherently disrespectful and embrace them as the learning opportunities they are—and don’t be afraid to learn from your kids, too!
And if you’re someone who’s more permissive, who feels incredibly guilty when their kids are unhappy, who often finds themselves nagging repeatedly at your kids before finally blowing up and then berating yourself for it later—please understand that you’re not a bad parent if you tell your kid “no” and mean it. It might not feel like it, but you really are in charge here. And it’s actually good for your children if you teach them to respect the boundaries you set out for your home.
For many authoritarian parents, going to gentle parenting is actually a relief. Many parents are only doing these punishment-heavy methods because they’re worried that if they don’t spank and enforce immediate obedience, their child’s mortal soul is in danger.
But I think for many permissive parents, gentle parenting techniques, when taught properly, can actually be kind of scary because so many parents feel guilty when their kids aren’t happy. Our natural inclination is not to let our kids sit in their feeling of guilt when they’ve done something wrong, but to take it away and downplay their actions.
If you’re someone who really struggles with figuring out what the balance is, we’re having a free webinar on Tuesday that I really think you’ll love.
Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families tries to encapsulate that combination of warmth and authority in her term “compassionate discipline.” We’re connecting with our kids first, but we do have standards and we also have boundaries.
And if you can’t figure out how to have both of those things at once, and if you’re tired of power struggles with your kids, or kids who are out of control, you’re going to find this so helpful! Plus it’s FREE.
It’s tomorrow (Tuesday) at 1 pm EST, 10 am PST, and evening in Europe, and there are prizes available if you listen live. But you can always listen to the recording if you can’t make it live–as long as you sign up!
So whether you veer more towards authoritarian or permissive, I hope you can just hear this: we’re all in this together, and a lot of us are still figuring this whole parenting thing out.
And more than perfect parents, our kids mostly need parents who are just willing to change when they learn something new!
What do you think? Does gentle parenting need a rebrand? Do you fall more towards permissive or authoritarian? Let’s talk in the comments!
>> families where the focus is obedience
This is very interesting in how this kind of family dynamic parallels some churches, where the focus is all on defining lines of authoritarian control, who’s in charge of who, how much can I tell you what to do, etc. Instead of things like love and caring, helping each other become better people, reaching out to those less fortunate, etc.
Of course, both come from the same place. They’re just on different scales.
Yes, parenting and church really are the same. I think that’s why so many churches cling to authoritarian parenting advice. If they give healthy advice about parenting, people may notice that their churches aren’t healthy.
I wish someone would come up with a good alternative name for ‘gentle’ parenting, because I think it gets mixed up too often with ‘permissive’ parenting, sometimes even by the parents themselves – and if you’ve seen a person self describe themselves as doing ‘gentle parenting’ and then watched their kids run riot while the parents stand to one side bleating ‘calming’ phrases, it makes gentle parenting look awful (even though what they are actually doing is permissive parenting – or more likely no form of parenting at all!)
yes, so true Angharad, that’s why I actually don’t use the term “gentle parenting” in my world at Fresh Start Family. I usually say positive parenting or recently have even been using the term “powerful parenting” as it’s so much more accurate than “gentle” (especially since culture mistakes permissive parenting for gentle parenting).
Positive Parenting seems to be the latest term in my area. It’s basically what is described here as authoritative or gentle parenting.
Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) is a specific system of parenting education that was developed through the University of Queensland, and it has been heavily promoted by agencies here in Ontario, Canada.
I doubt we’ll ever come up with a phrase that works for everyone. Personally, I like ‘authoritative’ but I can see a load of people mixing that up with ‘authoritarian’. ‘Positive’ parenting sounds great, but the implication is that any other form of parenting is negative – which is unlikely to win over those who are not currently practicing it! Maybe the key is just to promote healthy, evidence-backed ways of parenting without labelling them?
Michael Jones of Inspiring Philosophy interviewed you and it hit home.
I’ve been single all my life. I fell into porn and God redeemed me. I read Every Man’s Battle. Having read the Great Sex Rescue I feel liberated
Sadly the porn memories come back to me and I have struggled with sexual fantasies. I skipped the Explore Together sections. I read “trust that feeling” and I got scared because I thought that I had been over prepared for my future marriage. I’m grateful to know that women aren’t objects. I believed that lie and had to unlearn it. Women are people.
Is it possible to make a version for singles? If sex can’t be talked about for singles because it is designed for marriage then is it possible to make something that gets the gist across for singles without becoming over prepared for marriage?
Love this! I’ve worked with so many parents who rejected the harsh parenting style they grew up with, but then have no idea what to do instead.
I think of authoritative parenting as doing what is truly best for the child, rather than being guided just by the immediate feelings of the parent. For example, it might feel good to get a child to stop screaming and to be happy in the moment, but feeding a constant diet of cookies and candy doesn’t show a concern for the long-term well-being of a child. Kids have an ability to figure out when a parent is willing to put up guardrails and have some rules, because they truly want to do what is best for the child.
Yes! Very well put.
I think whatever it’s called, there will always be people who take the word in another direction. Gentleness is part of the fruit of the Spirit and as such is a healthy thing. Our interpretations, or maybe our mis-interpretations, of it is where we can veer off in different directions. I think gentle parenting sounds great, but I was raised in a harsh environment which was high control and low warmth (but perhaps suspected personality disordered parents cannot be fully encompassed in these styles?) Some people would consider a spanking to be gentle because they wait to do it till they are not angry. Others consider it as Angharad pointed out above.
In my area, many people call what y’all describe as permissive parenting styles “free range” child rearing. I don’t know if there exists a rebrand for “gentle parenting” that would ever satisfy the masses without misuse. It would be great though.
I offered some alternative names on last week’s podcast and have some more ideas.
Collaborative
Instructive
Teaching
Coaching
Instilling
Practical (in the sense of teaching kids good practices)
Receptive
Engaged
I’m trying to find something that invokes an idea of parent-child interaction or even negotiation (limited initially, of course, but looser as the child matures) rather than a top-down “because I said so” vibe.
A bit of a reach, but Deuteronical (admittedly a neologism; OED lists deuteronomic as an adjective), as a take from 6:7: “Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
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Any chance these techniques could be adapted to discipling believers, and especially adult converts? My view of God needs a major overhaul, because my churches tended to show God as a demanding tyrant waiting for the smallest slip-up that would invoke immediate punishment. Seemed normal to me, because that’s exactly how I saw my dad as I was growing up.
I’ve seen both extremes cause problems. Two of my neighbors are more permissive parents, and their sons don’t respect them at all. One of the sons is so rebellious and seems to have no conscience regarding his actions toward other kids and adults. Frankly, he’s scary. I’ve also seen the other extreme that produces obedient kids, but overly submissive or overly dominant spirits, depending on who has and who doesn’t have power according to the rules. Often the girls in particular seem to be only half of a soul.
I used to be an authoritarian parent, and there’s so much I regret. It was scary and a huge relief to move into parenting where I actually listen to my kids, and encourage them to speak up if I get on their case about something where I didn’t have all the facts. We all love each other so much. And also they take it seriously when I put my foot down about things that are going to harm them, harm others, or harm relationships.
I’m so thankful for the parenting advice and information from authors who showed me there was a different way. They opened up the possibility for us to have real relationships.