Big Christmas dinners with all the siblings and parents and in-laws.

It can be very Norman Rockwell. But it can also be filled with boisterous arguments. Lots of alcohol. Swearing. Political discussions.

It can be really uncomfortable.

And so, at Christmas, we’re often presented with this conundrum:

I had one reader write to me about her extended family. Several are living lifestyles she feels are immoral. All are often profane and use bad language. What effect will this have on the kids?

Now, it’s one thing if in laws are actively being abusive or bullying towards members of your nuclear family. You absolutely do not need to subject yourself, or your kids, to that at Christmas–or at all. Please, set boundaries when you are not being treated well.

But there’s another side to this.

What if it’s not about your family treating you badly, but simply about you not liking a lot of your family members? What if you disapprove of them? What do you owe them at Christmas?

Sometimes getting together with families is just plain unpleasant, and I’d like to talk today about how to navigate that. 

Some of these thoughts may not sound much like me. After all, I talk a LOT about how it’s wrong to enable sin, and how boundaries are important. But I’d like to take this from another perspective today.

So here’s the question I’d really like to ask:

Can you get along with extended family, even if you don’t agree with them, approve of them, or even just plain like them?

I think we can. And here are 10 ways to make that easier:

1. Draw boundaries over how much time you will spend with extended family.

It’s okay to say, “We’d love to join you for dinner from 3-7 on Christmas”. You don’t want to stay all day. Think about how much you can take comfortably, and then make those rules. It’s also okay to enforce boundaries on gifts. It’s okay to say, “we don’t have a lot of money for presents this year, so we’d prefer to draw names and only buy one gift,” or “we won’t be giving presents to anyone over 18 anymore.”

2. Try to carve out time with just your nuclear family (or those with whom you’re 100% comfortable).

It’s also easier to handle extended family if you have time at Christmas just with your nuclear family (or those with whom you’re totally comfortable and laid back with). It’s okay to say to your parents, “we’d like to spend Christmas morning just with the kids.” Build some memories the way you want to build them, and then it’s easier to handle more difficult situations in small doses.

But, once you’ve got those boundaries in place, try to love your extended family wholeheartedly in the time you are giving them. Here’s how:

3. Come to terms with what you expect from your family.

One of the reasons that extended family takes such a toll on us, I think, is that deep inside we long for the approval and love of family.

When extended family isn’t like that, then we often feel hurt, and that hurt is often expressed as anger. “They’re bad people.” “They’re hurting my children.”

What if, instead, you realized,

This does not mean you accept abuse from people! But you know what? Drinking alcohol in front of you is not abuse. Swearing in front of you is not abuse. Being rude or vulgar is not abuse. Having a significant other they live with rather than marry is not abuse.  It just means that they aren’t like you. And they’re allowed to be not like you! You may mourn for what you wish you had, but it’s unfair to expect them to meet your own expectations.

4. Realize your nuclear family is your main family. Don’t expect others to fill the gap.

If you came from a not-so-great family, or if your family currently is not-so-great, that’s sad. But the neat thing is that you can create your own traditions and your own family, right now, with your spouse and your kids. Realize that your nuclear family is your main source of love and emotional connection. Others don’t have to fill that role.

5. Does everything need to be perfectly pleasant?

We all dream of idyllic Christmases with magic and candlelight and family togetherness. But does everything have to be like that? If you enjoy time with your nuclear family, does it really matter if a few hours or a day out of the Christmas holidays isn’t how you’d like to spend it? Is it okay if some part of the season is about you loving others where they’re at, even if it’s not as fun for you?

6. Do we have to agree to get along?

Is it necessary to agree to be civil and kind to one another? Do people have to be super nice to you in order for you to be nice to them?

I made a decision early on in my marriage that I just plain wasn’t going to let myself dislike anyone or hold a grudge. Life is just easier if we all get along and are kind to one another. So that meant that I didn’t have expectations on people. I decided that I would try to find things to talk about where we had things in common, even if it was just the kids. If someone did something I didn’t like, I just ignored it. That’s not becoming a pushover; that’s just deciding that you’re not going to take offence.

I wasn’t expecting anyone to be my best friend. I was just expecting that we could be kind to each other.

Now, if a family member starts saying really derogatory things about certain racial groups or people groups, a firm, “Please don’t say things like that while I’m at the table” may be totally warranted. But it’s often easier to avoid this if we have a plan for conversations, which leads us to:

7. Plan a distraction so conversations are meaningful

Often if we just let conversation flow at the dinner table or in a group, people will end up insulting others, or telling dumb jokes, or talking politics. And the conversation ends up being really disappointing.

Here’s something that we started doing a few years ago at big family dinners: We prepared discussion questions, put them in a bowl, and passed them around the table. And it worked so well! People groaned and complained when I first suggested it, but my sister-in-law backed me up and we did it. And we ended up learning about each other without having unpleasant conversations.

Here’s a post with 10 conversation starters to use at Christmas dinner!

8. Remember: your kids identify with you.

“But what about the children?” I can hear so many say. What effect will it have on them to see people getting drunk or to hear people swearing? Won’t that mean that our kids will start to think that kind of behaviour is acceptable?

No, not at all. You are the ones raising your kids, and they will primarily identify with you. You can say to your children, “Sometimes Uncle Joe drinks too much alcohol and acts really badly. That’s one of the reasons that God doesn’t want us to get drunk. But we’re going to love Uncle Joe anyway.” Your kids know what you approve of or don’t approve of, and just because they’re around people who are different does not mean that they’ll somehow change their minds.

9. If you treat it like it’s not a big deal, your kids will, too.

Worried that your kids will pick up on swear words because they hear them from your family? Honestly, if you treat it like it’s not a big deal, they will, too. Our kids heard swear words for years without realizing they were swear words because we never really reacted. But if you make a fuss all the time or show obvious disapproval, then your kids will perk up and try to see what’s causing all the uproar.

10. Your family already knows your views. You don’t have to advertise them more by actively disapproving of them.

If your brother brings his live-in girlfriend to dinner, you are not obligated to tell them that you think sex before marriage is wrong. If your cousin who you know smokes marijuana comes to dinner a little bit high, you are not obligated to tell her that she is doing something bad.

I’m pretty sure that your brother and your cousin already know what you think. What matters to them is how you love. We don’t win people to God by spreading our views. We win them by loving and by setting an example. Live out your faith; don’t expect people who don’t already share it to be able to live it without the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives. 

Remember, Jesus ate dinner with all kinds of people.

He ate with people who normally made lewd jokes, who swore a lot, and who drank too much. But those people were comfortable with him. And I think it’s because he saw through the false bravado and just talked to them like people. This Christmas, can we do the same thing?