How do you have a Christian marriage?
And is a healthy Christian marriage different from a healthy marriage of two non-Christians?
A woman wrote in asking:
You guys do a wonderful job showing what biblical marriage is NOT but sometimes I’d love just a clear and concise discussion on what a good Christian marriage actually looks like. My daughters are starting to get to the age I need to have these conversations about what to look for in a future husband and I’m having a hard time articulating it.
I think that last sentence is so interesting:
She has a hard time articulating what a Christian marriage is.
Let me tell you a story.
Back in 2001, a sociologist named Sally Gallagher decided to do a huge study on how evangelicals actually do marriage. She reviewed the big Christian marriage books of the time, plus used comprehensive survey data and focus groups. (sound familiar?)
What she found was that the vast majority of evangelicals considered male headship an intrinsic part of a Christian marriage. However, the vast majority of them did not act out male headship at all, but instead practiced what Gallagher termed “pragmatic egalitarianism.” Their marriages really looked not that much different from healthy secular marriages. They just talked about them differently.
Gallagher concluded that the whole idea of “male headship” was about claiming a distinctive identity rather than it was actually doing marriage differently. It was very important to Christians to be seen as doing marriage differently from “the world.” But in practice, the healthy relationships actually looked pretty much the same.
Incidentally, this is what we found in our research for The Great Sex Rescue and The Marriage You Want too! Most Christians who say they believe in male headship do not act it out. And when they do? As we explain in chapter 1 of The Marriage You Want (with super cool charts!) terrible things happened. (And we talked about this in last week’s podcast too, episode 268!)
What if our reasons for wanting a “Christian marriage” are off?
As Gallagher showed, it was about a quest for identity. Evangelicals wanted to be sure we were different from “the world.” We saw life as us-vs-them. So there has to be some distinctive way that we are doing things differently so that we can show that we are Christians!
Have you ever heard anyone say something like:
“Loving your wife as Christ loved the church is a huge ask, and we can’t do it in our own strength. I could never love my life properly and selflessly without Jesus’ strength.”
This sounds super holy. But think about what it is insinuating: You cannot be a good husband without being a Christian. Thus anyone who is not a Christian is not actually able to properly love their wife, and will never have a great marriage.
I actually hate it when people imply this because it’s just so obviously untrue. All of us know people who aren’t Christians who have amazing marriages–often better marriages than the marriages we see in the church.
Can we let go of the idea that only those who claim Christ can have good relationships?
Can we instead believe that there are certain universal truths about human flourishing that pertain whether one is a Christian or not? And when someone aligns themselves with these truths, and acts in accordance with them, they can have a flourishing marriage even if they don’t know Christ?
Romans 1 tells us that the truth about God is evident for all to see even just in creation. Even if you’ve never heard of God. And Romans 2 tells us that many who do not know God still have “the law on their hearts”:
14 (Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law. 15 They show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts sometimes accusing them and at other times even defending them.)
Jesus is the Truth. People can actually know what healthy relationships look like even if they don’t go to church and don’t know their Bible because we all have “eternity written in our hearts.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We all have consciences.
Now, when we know Jesus our hearts are softened and transformed, so that it should become easier to do the things of God. The Holy Spirit comes and gives us the power to to live a life following Jesus, and heals many of our wounds, and sanctifies us (makes us more and more like Jesus).
With Jesus, we become a healthier version of ourselves. A better version of ourselves. But health is still health.
Think about it this way: Are you a good friend, or a Christian friend? Are you a good employer, or a Christian employer? Are you a good parent, or a Christian parent?
What if there isn’t really a difference between a good relationship and a Christian relationship? When people who don’t know Christ love and forgive and cherish and act selflessly, they are living out the Jesus way, even if they don’t acknowledge it.
The only way to true health is through the way of Christ, whether people know it or not, because the way of Christ is Truth. So when people have healthy relationships, they are already doing things in the way of Jesus!
So maybe we, as Christians, should stop trying so hard to define what it means to have a “Christian marriage” and start just trying to be a Christian in our marriages. What if we simply act like Christ, and practice the fruits of the Spirit?
And when people who don’t know Christ also do that, they have a marriage that glorifies Christ, too, even if they don’t realize it. They’re aligning themselves with the Way and the Truth and the Life.
Centering Jesus makes you healthy, because Jesus is the Way (he models the path our life should take); the Truth (when we follow Him, we’re in alignment with the way that life works, and thus we’re doing what brings health); and the Life (he gives us power to have life abundantly).
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When we align ourselves with Truth, we get healthier.
But when we’re so sure that the only way to do marriage right is to do it differently from the world, and do it in a way that no non-Christian would ever try, then ironically we often end up walking away from health. If we’re so sure that we have to look completely different, then we can end up hurting ourselves. We don’t want to mimic what the world thinks is healthy, so we have to work AGAINST what people know is healthy.
But Jesus is the Truth, people! Health is health. Jesus leads to flourishing. In practical terms, there isn’t a difference between a Jesus-centered relationship and a healthy relationship, except for the spiritual practices in that relationship.
That’s what we found in The Marriage You Want. We can measure marital health and what leads to intimacy, and it’s not controversial. And the church would do better if we started talking about health, and less about “looking different from the world.”
What is the pull to have a “Christian marriages”?
What if the reason we can’t figure out what a Christian marriage is, as opposed to a healthy secular marriage, is because we see the world too much in terms of us vs. them, and forget that where there is truth, life, health, goodness, the world aligning itself with Christ, even if it doesn’t realize it? And that’s something to be celebrated?
My plea is that we stop focusing on having a “Christian marriage”, where we “own the libs”, and we start focusing on how to be Christians in our marriages.
I ran a version of this post a few years ago, and I had quite a few people take offense. They felt I was violating the gospel by saying that health is health.
But the Bible is clear. Love. Spur one another on to love and good deeds. Have the mind of Christ. That’s how you have a Christian marriage–whoever you are.
What do you think? Why are we so insistent on finding the “secret sauce” of Christian marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!
Whew. There might be a lot of reasons people would be mad at you for saying this, but here’s one: it scares people. If you pull this thread too hard, your entire identity as an American evangelical could unravel. In my head, this “good christian marriage” idea is tied to so many things – us vs them, all-or-nothing binary thinking, gender essentialism and hierarchy, authoritarian theology, perfectionistic spirituality, “a high view of scripture,” and so on. There’s a whole package of attitudes and beliefs you’re expected to perform to maintain this identity, and questioning any part of it makes your identity (and therefore your status as “saved”) potentially suspect. (I’m getting a little anxious just thinking about it. Spiritual trauma? Me, naaah, why do you ask?)
HAHA! I think you’re right…
“You cannot be a good husband without being a Christian.”
And the unwritten, unspoken, unacknowledged corollary is “A Christian man cannot possibly be a bad (or neglectful or abusive) husband.”
🙄
yep!
I agree with your post. The Good may be found in many places and people, and where it is found it is of God. An Us vs Them mentality boosts a false righteousness among those who are supposedly Us. This is dangerous and allows sin to fester in the dark, unnoticed.
Thanks, Pastor Kerry! I didn’t know you read here. Nice to see you again!
Christian identity concerns not cultural separatism but union with Christ — ‘if anyone is in Christ …’ [2Co 5:17].
Baptism [not self-generated holiness] is our distinctiveness. Believers share in Christ’s transformative grace [Ro 6:4].
Witness points to Jesus’ lordship, not to our efforts at superiority. ‘When I am lifted up …’ [Jo 12:32].
The definitive Christian mark is not cultural but relational; ‘by this all people will know …’ [Jo 13:35].
Normative Christian living concerns ethical integrity, not performative piety; ‘let your light shine …’ [Mt 5:16].
Mission requires engagement and prohibits withdrawal; ‘going therefore, make disciples …’ [Mt 28:19].
The Christian apologetic is radical love, not moralism; ‘by this, we know love …’ [1Jo 3:16].
Incarnational faith presses eternal hope into pilgrimage, not infernal culture wars; ‘I urge you as sojourners and exiles…’ [1Pe 2:11].
These are not peripheral concerns and if pastors did their job, they would be known.
Most Christians would be at a loss to explain the meaning of the cruciform life. Much of this falls on pastors. The prevalence of misunderstanding is a scathing indictment of proclamation in our time.
That is why a host of agendas and alien belief systems are overlaid on the theology of the cross, break the cross, and obscure the Glory of Christ, and we know it not.
A ‘Christian marriage’ is a marriage between two Christians.
If they are walking closely with the Lord, then it should also be a good marriage, because they will be treating each other in a Christlike manner. Like any other aspect of life, it’s not the label we put on it but how closely we follow Christ that makes it right.
Amen!
If someone who didn’t know Christ followed the principles in Proverbs, they would become wiser. People who don’t believe in Christ can be wise with money. They can be good bosses. They can run ethical practices, treat animals well, volunteer just to be kind to others and make a difference in the world. It’s befuddling that we think they can’t have good relationships as well. I mean, we expect non Christian doctors and bankers and business owners to be ethical and trustworthy enough to do business with them. Why do we need to see relationships, and especially marriages, as any different?
Exactly!
I apologize for injecting a thornier question, but it’s one that has been at the core of my crisis of faith, and I appreciate any and all thoughts. Your question prompts a deeper one:
What is the difference between a Christian and a good person? Does being a Christian make a difference in one’s life?
The evangelical answer is that there are no good people, only God is good. People who are not Christians are enemies of God, and slaves to sin. There is no “neutral ground” category between child of God and child of the devil. It is absolutely binary. One is either in a state of separation and estrangement from God (eventually leading to eternal separation), or one is in a relationship with God, being transformed by the Holy Spirit.
A common explanation in evangelism trainings/presentation is that people often object to being told that they need to repent and be converted by saying “I’m a decent person. I’m kind to my family and a good neighbor and citizen. I don’t hurt people and try to do good. I don’t deny that I do wrong sometimes, but I’m human and I fail from time to time. I try to apologize and make it right.” Maybe said person is a sincere adherent of another religion and tries to follow its moral teachings. Is this a legitimate defense? Or self delusion?
In my crisis of faith, people have told me I’ve been burned by the church, but I disagree. My biggest disappointment is that I expected the Holy Spirit to do more. I expected Him to change *me* and the sincere Christians that I know best. I expected that I would be able to say, “I’m different,” but I don’t think I’m different at all.
Hi JoB,
As someone who once came from a very legalistic background and prided myself on being better than others, I know exactly what you mean.
I would say that if all Christianity was about was being better people, you might be right that it’s not worth it. As there are certainly moral people outside of the faith.
What I would say, in the way that I live out my faith now, is that growing as a moral and kind person is a side effect of my faith rather than the center. It’s about the God of the universe who created the birdsong that fills my soul and directs the wind that whips through my hair – that God wants me, accepts me, loves me, even when I brought nothing to the table. Outside of him, my good works are only temporary. In this relationship with the Lord I’ve found acceptance and peace and joy that I never knew in legalism. I can rest in not having to prove myself yet still find myself becoming kinder and more patient by dint of spending time with him. It’s also about the hope of eternity. We just lost a close family member to suicide a few months back, and I can’t imagine how much darker and deeper the pain would be if I didn’t have hope of eternity, if I didn’t know that when the pain of our loved one ended, that he was received into the arms of perfect love, freed of the depression that plagued him.
Christianity can and often does make morally good people but I guess I feel that’s not the point? Idk, for me right now it’s a deal that seems to good to be true, but I’m so glad it is! I hope that on your journey friend that you find that hope and peace too
I hear you, Jo. I often go back to Romans 2–that people without the law can still follow it because it’s written on their hearts. People who don’t know the Scriptures can still instinctively seek after love and truth because we are all made in the image of God.
What I’m realizing as I get older is that so much of health is based in community. I think we see Christianity as far too individualistic, and that’s really a modern way of seeing it. It’s actually a very communal religion, and we can’t really function or grow without community. But here’s the thing: healing from trauma best occurs in community. Healing from attachment issues best occurs in community. I think the way the Holy Spirit heals us is far less individualistic and far more about forming healthy communities that heal us. It’s learning to love others.
So much of the New Testament is on how we treat each other, and I think that’s more the point–healthy community. I think the church has failed in this regard by making everything about individuals. So much of why we treat each other badly is rooted in sin and trauma and attachment issues from our past–along with shame, etc. And those are healed when we are healthy together. Maybe that’s more the point? That’s what I’ve been thinking anyway.
Some thoughts…
I grew up in a similar binary and still see that in churches I attend. The problem with that is that the Pharisees looked like “Christians” or “good, moral people”. But they crucified Jesus. It was all about behavior and who is “in” vs “out”. Being a Christian can’t only be about the Holy Spirit making us behave better, then.
I think about Jesus when the Holy Spirit descended on Him. He made perfect choices, but He still had the Holy Spirit. He was given to Jesus with the Father’s words “you are my Son”. So I see an affirmation of identity, a change in status. We are also now God’s children and have access to His love and power, which those who don’t believe in Christ have.
Last, Jesus talks about being part of his kingdom as a community, not a new behavior program. We can make righteous choices without Christ (there were certainly non-Israelites who made better choices than they did), but over time and with God’s companionship and love, He shows us deeper places in us that need transforming. This is how it has showed up in my life. I needed Jesus to be with me for awhile before He started gently challenging small areas in my life. Some are places where I have been sinned against, and the only thing He helped me work out is that He is there with me in the pain. Other places are hidden hates or prejudices I didn’t know I had, and He’s helping soften my heart to see others with greater empathy.
Two videos I found helpful are from The Bible Project: The New Humanity and Gospel of the Kingdom. They help flesh out what our need for salvation is about. Jesus saw salvation as a kingdom identity issue, not simply from an individual “are you saved and going to heaven soneday?” viewpoint.
These are just some thoughts I’ve had as I’ve wrestled with similar things. The lack of nuance in some circles drives me bonkers, and it sounds like you are struggling with that as well. My prayers go out to you today. Don’t give up. And thanks for reaching out to the community.
“I expected the Holy Spirit to do more. I expected Him to change *me* and the sincere Christians that I know best. I expected that I would be able to say, “I’m different,” but I don’t think I’m different at all”
I feel this. I was probably under ten years old when I started really worrying that I was supposed to be different or better than I actually was. Not in any specific way, really-just that my actual self could not possibly be good enough. Which sticks with you! I’ve deconstructed a lot of it now, but it’s still there in some ways. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re not alone. And, you don’t have to be different than you are to be loved and accepted.
Perhaps we are not best placed to see the change in ourselves and those near to us anyway. I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all, but if I look back over the decades to the start of my Christian life, I can see that the ‘me’ that was then is very different to the ‘me’ that is now. The promise is that the work begun in us WILL BE carried on to completion – not that we should be completed now!
My grandfather always used to say that he had been saved from the penalty of sin when he accepted Christ as his saviour, he was being saved from the power of sin day by day as the Spirit continued to work in his life and one day, he would be saved from the presence of sin when he went to be with Jesus forever. We are all works in progress and we won’t be ‘complete’ until we are with Jesus in glory!
Thanks, everyone, for your responses. It has given me much to think about.
I’m wrestling with the question, do I want to be a Christian? And if yes, why? And I just don’t have any good answers.
Abby, how do you know that God wants, loves and accepts you? That is really what I want to experience, and I feel that if I could experience that, everything else would fall into place. I’ve looked for that reassurance everywhere- trying everything, including stopping all trying- and I’ve never found it.
I stopped going to church, not because people were abusive or hypocritical, but because I couldn’t stand singing one more song affirming that God loved me. The thought of doing so literally makes me feel sick. When I hear Christian music of all genres, it makes me want to run out of the room. When I hear other Christians talking about God’s love for them, or comfort, or presence of the Holy Spirit, I feel like a homeless person at a millionaires’ party- they are living in a reality that I can’t even imagine.
I feel a certain peace in accepting the possibility that God doesn’t love me, and there’s nothing I can do to make him pay attention to me or love me if he chooses not to, it’s his prerogative and I’m not entitled to his love by any means. It’s a sad, defeated peace- kind of like accepting that someone you hoped would return your calls and letters isn’t going to call you, ever. It helps to think that, unlike what I was taught growing up, it is possible to be a reasonably healthy and decent person in my dealings with others, that I can have other motivations besides “God loves me, so therefore I love you.”
Because I don’t see a difference between living as a healthy Christian and living as a healthy non-Christian, I guess I feel like I will get through this life one way or another, although I deeply mourn the hope of finding significance or purpose. At this point I am just trying to do my best and not hurt anyone else. My fear is if that believing that God loves me is the “right answer” and without it I’m going to hell, but I sincerely *can’t* believe it, what is going to happen to me? I know a lot of people who have deconstructed no longer believe in hell, but I still do.
I don’t expect anyone to have answers for me. I always appreciate what I learn from readIng others’ thoughts, and I think a lot of people here have similar backgrounds and “get it.”
I could have written this pretty much word for word.
Hugs if you ’em, JoB.
Hey JoB,
I have also gone through many faith crisis in my life, and I know the deep pain and sense of “lostness”. I feel for you and your struggle. I sure wish I could give you all the answers! Thank you for being so open, my prayers are with you.
I think Bible verses that refer to being “not of this world” and the popularized slogan (mid 2000s, ’90s??) “…not of this world” has been contributed to the “Us vs. Them”. Churches have taught that we just can’t be of this world so we MUST be different. We can’t use the world’s resources. Christian marriage, Christian schools, Christian counseling…In my opinion, that’s why I think they dismiss (deny) science and research. It’s “of this world” and we can’t possibly accept that so therefore it’s dismissed.
Speaking as a recovering evangelical, we’ve replaced “being like Jesus” with “being different from everyone else around us.” That’s also called “making an idol.”
I’m reading the First Nations Version of the New Testament right now. (It’s beautiful.) It uses the phrase “The Set Apart Ones” for the Pharisees. I see a lot of parallels theologically and culturally between the Pharisees and North American evangelicals. What might have started off with good intentions (adherence to the Law), became perverted to the point where Jesus told them that they’d lost the heart behind why God gave them the Law (my paraphrase). I think this has happened with large swaths of evangelicals, also, tragically.
Where we live, which is most definitely NOT in the Bible Belt, it’s not uncommon to see the “NOTW” bumper stickers around; I think the movement is still alive and well.
My husband Keith loves that version of the New Testament!
Very much so!
Great post! I totally agree! Christians don’t have a unique special ability to be more moral/healthy than non-Christians. Let’s just do what evidence shows is healthy 🙂
You keep saying that the Christian marriages that claim to be complementarian actually aren’t. I see otherwise. Most are abusive. People in general don’t have relational skills, and the bring that to marriage. They say sibling rivalry is normal, and it is, but that is our opportunity to teach marriage skills. I have 10 grown children and they like each other. It took careful training and intentionality. Unfortunately I knew nothing about narcissism so some got sucked into abusive relationship s, but it is possible.
What is a Christian marriage and is it different from non-Christian? Growing up in very conservative evangelical churches I learned that it was significantly different. This came from books I read as well as sermons I heard. I am interested to read what others think as I have not had many people to talk about this with. The last church I attended it was put like this about marriage….”This is all about God. You see marriage isn’t about your happiness so much is it about holiness, God’s holiness. You and I becoming holy. Marriage, your marriage is really not even about you. It’s about God putting his character on display through the relationship that he created. ” Your thoughts?
I’m writing an article on that more soon! But again–in terms of how people actually function in a good marriage, there really isn’t much different between a good Christian marriage and a good marriage, because healthy is healthy.
“Happy vs. holy” is a false dichotomy. “Holy” means, whole, healthy, sound, flourishing. Why would that not include happiness? If serving God is all joy, if one of the FIRST fruits of the spirit is joy, then what does that say about a marriage that is supposedly God-ordained, but produces no joy, no happiness? (And yes, I think the supposed dichotomy between “joy and happiness” is also very false!) So you can see that a holy person ought also to be a happy person; and if the person is miserable, then God’s holiness is missing somewhere.
I agree that the idea of a Christian marriage is pushed hard partly because it’s the us vs them mentality. It appears more like partisan politics.
The reason I looked for a Christian man is due to the fact that I wanted both of us to be believing parents when we had kids. However, I was careful to avoid complementarian men because I expected worse treatment or frank abuse from them.
As you point out good marriages can exist without said couple being Christian. I grew up fearful of non-Christians after hearing they were all hell bound perverts. Then when I spent time with them later in life I realize many were lovely people and, at times, kinder than Christians.
These days I’m sometimes hesitant to say I’m a Bible believer because that label has been ruined by a lot of people. But, isn’t that why we are to be a light. I don’t need to blast “Christian” with my mouth rather my life.