It’s moving day for me! We’re leaving our house of 19 years and heading to our new place!
So I wanted to share something different today. So many people send me their stories (and I’m so touched and honoured!), and this woman’s really resonated with me because I know a lot of what she’s experiencing is not unique: trauma from horrible counseling. Being treated badly by your spouse and having sex basically ruined. Having undiagnosed conditions, because we just don’t talk about that stuff.
We need to be sharing more about what healthy looks like, and getting people help early!
She hopes that in sharing her story, others will know that they are not alone.
Your work has been profoundly impactful for me and has given language to experiences I did not understand for many years. I wanted to share something from my journey, in case it is helpful for your work or others’.
I was brought up by my wonderful Christian parents.
They modelled love, parenting, and marriage really well for me. They were demonstrative and affectionate, and openly answered questions—we could talk about anything.
My husband was also raised by Christian parents. However, in his family, there was very little use of words of affirmation or spontaneous affection. “I love you” was rarely expressed. In fact, I have never heard his parents say that to him, and they do not use those words with our children either.
I was brought up in a complementarian framework, although in practice, my upbringing felt quite egalitarian. As a girl with two brothers, I was encouraged to do anything they could do—playing football, climbing trees, exploring—as well as Bible STUDY, speaking, and growing in leadership.
In the 1990 and early 2000s, I was part of a large church England where I became the leader of a certain ministry. I was allowed to preach and lead groups across the church, even though it held complementarian beliefs and male eldership. There was also a period of teaching around head covering and male headship.
I was comfortable with these beliefs.
When I married my husband 25 years ago, I expected a shared, thriving life together.
I believed we would make decisions together, though I accepted that in difficult situations, he would have the final say.
In practice, our marriage was largely egalitarian.
When we married, we were both virgins. We were excited about sex, though I was a little nervous. However, from the beginning, there were difficulties. My husband experienced ongoing erectile dysfunction, and despite seeking help—including medical assessment, Viagra, and psychosexual therapy—the issues were never fully resolved.
Over time, this became a significant strain. My husband has never ejaculated with me present in the room, even now, decades into our marriage.
Twelve years ago, during a period when my husband was depressed and we were seeking further help, we were also supporting a close friend who was experiencing severe mental health struggles. I found our friend after he had taken his own life. It was profoundly traumatic.
Just 2 weeks later, despite my being in acute shock, my husband asked me to attend a psychosexual therapy appointment with him.
Driven by my desire to be a “good Christian wife,” I went.
The session felt very strange. On the way home, I had a sudden thought and asked my husband directly if he had been watching pornography. Over the following days, he disclosed a long-standing struggle with pornography and masturbation.
I was devastated.
He was repentant and sought accountability through church support and software. I tried to seek support myself, but the responses I received were unhelpful and, at times, deeply painful. I was encouraged to forgive quickly, and at one point was even asked if I might be “frigid.”
I couldn’t find language or frameworks that fit what I was experiencing. Everything I read seemed to describe more overt forms of betrayal, and I struggled to understand my own reality.
About a month after his disclosure, I agreed to attend further psychosexual therapy sessions with him. Looking back, I cannot believe I did this so soon after such trauma.
Much of that period is now missing or fragmented in my memory. By the end of 2013, I experienced a complete mental health breakdown and was off work for months.
In the years that followed, our sexual relationship was deeply confusing for me.
My body would respond, but internally I felt distress, disconnection, or even aversion. I didn’t understand how I could be physically aroused while emotionally wanting it to stop.
I did not have the language then, but I now understand this as sexual non-concordance.
In 2020, during another difficult period for my husband, I began seeking more informed support for him. In that search, I realised I had suffered betrayal trauma and entered therapy myself. This has been a long process of growth.
In 2021, we began couples counselling, and it was during this time that we realised my husband is autistic, which brought significant clarity to many aspects of our relationship.
In 2025, I began setting clearer boundaries for the first time.
I recognised how difficult it had been for me to speak up for my own needs. I had often controlled situations indirectly rather than expressing myself directly.
In early 2026, after supporting another woman through serious abuse, I experienced a strong trauma response that did not initially make sense to me. This led to a series of intense nightmares about the psychosexual therapy sessions in 2013—memories that had previously been inaccessible.
In these dreams, I saw myself as terrified, paralysed and unable to speak, internally shouting “stop,” but outwardly compliant.
This has led me to a painful realisation:
My theological framework around submission and prioritising my husband’s needs has silenced me.
I believed I was being kind, supportive, and faithful—but in doing so, I lost connection with my own voice and boundaries.
It feels as though I have been harmed by the theology I held. And yet, I also recognise that I embraced those beliefs willingly, which leaves me with a complicated sense of having betrayed myself.
This has brought anger, grief, and deep confusion.
At the same time, I am growing.
I am beginning to differentiate, to understand myself, and to rebuild a sense of safety and agency.
We are currently engaged in a neurodiversity-informed coaching programme, and I am having individual trauma-informed therapy. I am holding onto hope that, with the right support, there may still be a path toward healing—both individually and in our marriage.
I am also reflecting on my place within church contexts. While I am currently in a church that is largely egalitarian in practice, I am unsure whether I can fully express my views on the harm I believe male headship teachings can cause.
For now, I am focusing on my recovery and not making major decisions.
I am slowly learning that healing may look like coming back to myself—with honesty, courage, and kindness.
Thank you again for your work—it has made a real difference to me.
I know so many of you can relate to her story
Whether it’s traumatic counseling situations, or having to make sense of a deeply dysfunctional sexual dynamic and betrayal, you’ve felt like you were crazy, that you were the problem. But you’re not.
And it leaves real wounds!
If you see yourself in this, and it’s still early in your marriage, draw boundaries now. Seek help from a QUALIFIED licensed counselor. Insist that your spouse get appropriate help. Remember that they made certain vows to you, and if those vows aren’t being kept, it’s okay to make a big deal out of it, especially now before you’ve had years of trauma to unpack.
And if you see yourself in this, but it’s later in the marriage, you’re going to need even more help.
I’ve got a series on how to build a healthy sex life if it’s been deeply dysfunctional here (with multiple posts on how to understand coercion and marital rape too). I hope that gives clarity on whether you can move forward or not (because it isn’t always possible).
But for today, please know: you are not alone. You never should have been put in this situation. And if his sexuality is deeply distorted, that is not on you. At all.
What do you think? How can we empower people to get help earlier in their marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!
Bad counseling can be more damaging than not seeking counseling and requires additional, specialized counseling just to fix that trauma from the horrible counseling. Especially, when this counseling was done by someone not licensed and just had the word “biblical” slapped on the label.
Absolutely!
Because “Biblical” invokes “GAWD HATH SAID!” and ramps everything up to Cosmic Importance.
It isn’t just the Biblical Counselor that abused you and tore your head apart, GAWD Did!
God becomes the ultimate abuser who cannot be trusted, and once that happens you will never be completely free of it.
This is closely related.
I was engaged to a woman (L) prior to meeting my wife. We were together for two years and the engagement was terminated with extreme prejudice in mid April. We were to have been married the first weekend in June.
Way back the first of Nov she started a new job at at a large company whose main clients were Oak Ridge National Labs, the now War Dept and ALCOA. My colleague got her the job. We didn’t tell her. We wanted her to think that she got it on her own. I also didn’t tell her that the company was a client.
We got engaged the first week in Dec. I met her boss at the company Christmas party two weeks later. We’ll call him Bubba. He was loud, arrogant, condescending and way too friendly with my fiancé. I even told him to back off. He laughed at me. My fiancé admonished me for making a scene.
The first of Jan L started having to work late. At first it was one night every other week or so. It soon progressed to two nights every week. I was told it was deadlines, client dinners, etc. I had started keeping a calendar of every time L worked late. There were also a couple of weekend seminars in the mix. The situation with us had devolved into constant fights and I couldn’t do anything right.
In March I utilized my firm’s PI. He got me pictures of L & Bubba at high end restaurants in Knoxville and entering and leavening the Hyatt. They were all over each other.
It’s April now and I’m looking for a way to burn down the world. I told my colleague and he pulled both of their files including expense reports from HR and accounting. Then I got an interesting phone call from one of the bridesmaids. It seems that L had confided all of the torrid details of the affair to her with a twist. I was supposed to be in Nashville for some deposition. The following Thursday and Friday. Bubba was supposed to be on a business trip until Friday evening. L told bridesmaid that he was retuning at 7.10 on Delta Thursday night. L was picking him up and taking him to her house to spend the night in her bed. A house that I owned and was renovating. I thanked her but didn’t tell her that the Nashville case had settled.
That Thursday I went to the house while L was at work and got all my tools, clothes, etc. I oiled the hinges and lock on the front door and the hinges on the master bedroom door. On the way out I noticed her journal on the table. I hesitated but this was war. I read everything pertaining to the affair. It seems that she planned to marry me and stay until he left his wife. When the divorce was final she was going to leave me. Oh, she also said that I was a rock but Bubba was fire. The best part was that she was concerned that Bubba was financing his affair with company money. She knew and continued with the theft.
I beat it to Kinko’s and copied the whole thing. I replaced it where I found it
I’ll tell the conclusion in a second post a little later.
Oh my goodness! That could be a novel!
Jaw on floor.
Wow.
And I’m very sorry that you went through that. You deserved better.
Part 2. See part 1 below
My colleague and I arrived at the airport in his old beat up truck at 7:15. We parked about 100 ft behind L on the curb. About 7:40 Bubba exited the terminal carrying a brief case, suitcase and grinning like a possum. L bounded out of her car, gave him a kiss and popped the hatch. Bubba threw his luggage into the back and jumped into the passenger side. They took off. I got pictures of all of it.
We followed at a discreet distance arriving three doors down from the house right behind them. I got more pictures of Bubba and L pawing each other as they headed through the front door dragging his suitcase. I gave them five minutes. The master bedroom light came on after two. After five
Passed I headed to the porch new digital camera in hand. The door didn’t make a sound thanks to WD-40 as I crept in. There was a trail of clothes leading down the hall to the bedroom. I went down that hall like a ninja. The door was half open and I could hear the noises as I approached. I just walked right in and starting photographing with the camera on auto. L saw me after about three seconds and started screaming. I kept moving to get good face shots. She finally bucked Bubba off of her all the while screaming for me to get out. Bubba finally realized what was happening and lunged for me. I suddenly brought my knee up hard and caught him right in the face. His nose exploded. Bubba kind of slithered the rest of the way to the floor. L ran to him
making no effort to cover herself. She was calling me everything but a white boy.
I spied her engagement ring on the bedside table and scooped it up. The last thing I said as I headed out the door was “ The wedding’s off!”
I the hall way I grabbed up all of Bubba’s clothes and his suitcase as I headed out the front door. I left him with a broken nose, concussion and no clothes.
We drove straight to Bubba’s house where I presented Mrs. Bubba with all of my evidence. I had called her the day before and explained the situation. She agreed so sign divorce papers the next day and act innocent until Monday morning.
I got home about 10:00 to 14 messages on my answering machine from L. I didn’t listen to a one them.
Friday morning Mrs. Bubba came in and signed the divorce petition and a complaint against L for alienation of affection and emotional distress claiming $100K in compensatory and punitive damages. I filed the lawsuits and went to a meeting with my colleague, HR, a forensic accountant and the owner. Both Bubba and L were getting terminated for cause without a reference because of the affair. Bubba had been running his affair expenses through three shell LLCs claiming that they were clients. He’d bought L almost $8K worth of jewelry all on the company dime. The total theft came to just over $22K.
I suggested that we drop the bomb during the team meeting Monday morning. Both Bubba and L would be back at work by then. Bubba doesn’t know we’re on to him about the fraud and L doesn’t know that took her journal. Let’s let them sweat about the affair all weekend. Let Mrs Bubba, and I go into the meeting and serve Bubba and L. HR can fire them and then the detectives can arrest him. I can scare L into turning on him to save her own butt. The owner like making a public example out of them and agreed.
I disappeared for the weekend. Mrs. Bubba picked up Bubba at the airport Friday night as scheduled. She took him to the hospital to see about his nose. He claimed he was mugged outside the hotel in Atlanta and his wallet and suitcase were taken.
Come Monday we all met in HR at 8:30. Shortly after 9:00 HR, Mrs Bubba and me interrupted the team meeting. Bubba looked like he was going to be sick. L was staring dagger at me. I served Bubba first declaring loudly that he was being sued for divorce on the grounds of an adulterous and sexual affair with L. I then served L announcing that she was being sued by Mrs. Bubba for alienation of affection and emotional distress. I also told the team that Bubba’s story about Atlanta was bull. I’d caught him in bed with L Thursday night. He’d tried to get tough but wasn’t very good at it. Also, the wedding was off. I also mention that all of the evidence was attached to the complaints as exhibits, including Thursday night’s pictures, and was now public record. Mrs Bubba walked over to L and slapped her almost out of her chair. HR then fired them both for cause and the detectives cuffed Bubba, read him his rights a d led him away. HR told everybody else to go back to work. They told L to just sit there until somebody came back to talk to her or she would be arrested. We all left the room.
I returned about 15 minutes later with a folder. She started in on me as soon as I entered. I slammed my hand down on the table a yelled, “I’m in charge now! I decide whether you walk out of here in handcuffs or a free woman! Now, shut up and listen for once!” She recoiled in surprise and got quiet. I pulled the stack of evidence of the fraud out and showed her. Every dinner, every hotel stay, every jewelry purchase. It totaled $22K. You’re about to be charged with theft over $20K, fraud, wire fraud and money laundering. You’re looking at over 20 years in prison if convicted. I pulled the next stack from the folder. This is your journal. You listed every dinner, every hotel stay, every purchase and you stated six times that you knew he was illegally using the company card to fund the affair. You also admit the affair and describe a lot of your sexual activity. She started in about the journal, that I had no right to read it. I replied that she had no right to cheat on me after promising to marry me but here we are.
I pulled the last document from the folder. This is a complete confession admitting the affair, every dinner, every hotel stay, every purchase as stated in your journal as quoted herein. It also requires that you return all of the jewelry to HR in 48 hours.The last paragraph states that in exchange for your confession and your truthful testimony against Bubba in any civil or criminal proceeding. You will not be prosecuted. I’d sign it.
I gave her another 15 minutes to read it over, grabbed the company notary and she signed. I smirked and said, “Now you get to put your lover in prison.”and walked out.
All parties lived up to their agreements. Bubba foolishly demanded a trial and L testified against him. He was convicted and got 18 years. L brought all the jewelry in as ordered. The company attached Bubba’s divorce settlement and got the rest of their money back. Mrs. Bubba got the house and 80% of their money. She also got $25K from L paid over time. The last I heard of L she was working for her cousin’s plumbing business up in Bristol.
I carried the trauma of this whole mess into my marriage. 14 months in an incident happened that almost destroyed what this June will be 37 years of marriage and caused me to go full bore complimentarian one of only two times in my marriage. That’s a story for a post about boundaries, respect and common sense.
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Oh my goodness, Boone! I would HATE to be on the wrong side of you. 🙂 That’s such interesting background to you. You sound like a John Grisham novel!
One of the biggest things that kept me in my 20+ year abusive marriage was that every time I asked for help, starting in the very first month of the marriage, I was told not to talk to anybody but my husband about the problems – even though everyone who told me this knew he wasn’t listening to me AND that he was mistreating me. Multiple churches of a variety of denominations in several states over 2 decades silenced me; both my family and his family (his dad is a pastor) “sympathized” with the wrongness & pain of my abuse and both silenced me – then cut off me & my children when I finally got us to safety after he started trying to kill me. They would have preferred me dead and married rather than single and safe. Both churches we were involved in at the time did the same. It wasn’t that they didn’t believe me, because they did believe me! – it’s that they were willing to sacrifice my life for the institution of marriage.
Clearly defining abuse and pointing people to trauma-informed resources instead of false sympathy & silencing those who are suffering would be a good start.