We’re hoping The Marriage You Want can be a great clarifier.

Our newest book, The Marriage You Want, was published last Tuesday, and it’s doing well–the #1 new release in Christian marriage all week.

Thank you for that!

But I had a commenter say something important last week, and I thought I’d devote an entire post to it (thanks, Mia!).

I’ve been talking about how the book shows you how to get the marriage you want, and gives lots of practical steps to get there. With evidence. And charts (because we love data and charts here at Bare Marriage!)

But here’s the thing: I can’t guarantee that reading it will get you the marriage you want, because the marriage you want is not based on just you. It’s also based on what your spouse is willing to put into the relationship.

We talk about this at the very beginning of the book, in chapter one: that if your spouse is moving away from God and goodness, and doing things that undermine the marriage, you can’t change that. You can’t pray hard enough or act sweet enough or anything to make your spouse treat you well. It isn’t up to you. God gave all of us free will, and some people will exercise that to undermine the marriage and pursue their own selfish interests. And that’s not on you. 

(Incidentally, that’s why the book The Power of a Praying Wife botheres us so much. Here’s our podcast on it and here’s a one-sheet with all the problems with the book you can download.)

Sometimes people are undermining the marriage without realizing it

Maybe they were taught terrible things in church and they don’t realize that their way of doing marriage doesn’t work. 

Maybe they’re a little lazy and emotionally immature, and they need a wake up call to see that they’re hurting the marriage and need to change course.

Maybe they’re just copying their parents’ dynamics and don’t realize these don’t work, and will change course when they see it.

Maybe things have just gotten busy and they need a reminder to put first things first and work on their marriage.

These are the people that will read The Marriage You Want and find really helpful stuff that can put their marriage on a better trajectory, as they learn about the importance of partnership; sharing mental load; treating sex properly; taking initiative; and opening up emotionally.

But then there are those who aren’t focused on the marriage or don’t really care about their spouse’s feelings. They only care about themselves.

What if you’re married to someone like that?

Sometimes the best gift is clarity.

Did you know that people in bad marriages are more likely to read marriage books?

It makes sense, right? People in good marriages don’t need to learn how to make marriage better! (Although I think there are always things we can learn and be reminded of. Even Keith and I are using some of the phrasing in our book in our own relationship!)

Now, in evangelical circles lots of people in good marriages read marriage books anyway, because we tend to be more focused on having good relationships, and we often use them for book studies. Plus we use them for premarital counseling (and The Marriage You Want has a study guide that goes along with the book with premarital questions, small group discussion questions, or couples questions).

But there will still be a lot of people in difficult marriages reading the book.

Let’s assume that about 25% of evangelical marriages are abusive (that’s a pretty accurate statistic, from the studies we’ve looked at). If that 1/4 of marriages are more likely to read the book, then likely 1/3-1/2 of people reading the book are in abusive marriages.

That’s a lot.

And yet what do most evangelical marriage books do when it comes to abuse? 

They give a caveat that abuse is bad and if you’re being hurt you should call the authorities (as Emerson Eggerichs in Love & Respect does in one place), but then they give anecdotes in the book about people in obviously abusive relationships putting up with stuff and taking on the responsibility to fix things. Eggerichs, for instance, gives that caveat, and then immediately talks about a woman whose husband was kicked out for physical abuse, but he repents and she invites him back into the house (no discussion if he had regained trust, got treatment, etc., he merely “repented”), and now she has to learn to unconditionally respect him and manage his anger.

It’s insane.

It’s wrong.

Power of a Praying Wife does the same thing–says abuse is bad, but then also says that praying can change an abusive spirit, and talks about how you’re supposed to keep praying and not give up.

The Marriage You Want, though, doesn’t pull punches.

In pretty much every chapter we have a discussion of what abuse would look like in this area of marriage, and red flags you need to look out for, and how if this is happening in your marriage, you can’t fix this. You can only get help.

It gives clarity.

So very many people have told us that The Great Sex Rescue was actually the catalyst to them saving themselves from a destructive marriage.

The Great Sex Rescue, our first research based book, had as its primary premise that women matter too. That’s it–that women matter too, and they shouldn’t be used sexually. That sex should be pleasurable for her too.

It should not be controversial at all, but in an evangelical church that has preached male entitlement to sex for decades and eons, it was controversial.

And so many women told us that in reading it, they realized that they did deserve this, and it wasn’t asking too much to want to be treated like a human being. And when their husbands wouldn’t go along with it, that was the wake up call they needed to realize: this is never going to get better. He doesn’t see me as a full human being. He sees me as someone to use, and he doesn’t care. 

And they got to safety.

Some may say that’s a bad outcome–we want marriages to be saved! But that’s not up to us. So what I would say is this:

I want people to find wholeness and health.

Basically, as Jesus said, I want people to have life, and have it abundantly. I don’t want people dragged down and abused.

And so I pray that people will read our books and wake up and treat others well. But if they won’t–then another good outcome is that people read these books, realize what health looks like and that it’s not too much to ask, and get clarity if their spouse wants to use them rather than love them.

I’ve often said that our books are litmus tests to whether a spouse, a pastor, or a church is healthy or not. A healthy person will agree with our books, because all we are saying is that women matter too, and men are not entitled to women’s bodies or women’s labor. We’re supposed to be a partnership.

If you disagree with that, it says a lot about your worldview. And then it allows others to decide whether they’re safe in this marriage; safe in this church; safe with this counselor.

Clarity is a gift.

And I hope that The Marriage You Want, like The Great Sex Rescue, gives that gift to people!

UPDATE: Right after I hit publish, a woman in our Patreon group left this comment: 

Where to Buy The Marriage You Want

(supports local bookstores in the US)

What do you think? Did you find my books to be good clarifiers? Let’s talk in the comments!