Shouldn’t authors care if their teaching harms women?
I shared a story on Facebook yesterday, and I wanted to expand on it a bit today here, since it resonated so much there.
The last few weeks my mind has been replaying a convo I had a few years ago with one of the authors we frequently critique. He had been a good friend, and when The Great Sex Rescue came out, I thought he’d be all for it.
But he wasn’t.
He said that we weren’t sympathetic enough to men’s struggle with lust.
He had read our manuscript, and I remember having a phone call with him to discuss it. I frequently talk on the phone while walking around my neighbourhood, and I remember what streets I was on as I tried to explain women’s perspective and experience. I explained, over and over again, that when you teach “all men struggle with lust, it’s every man’s battle” you hurt women. Their libidos fall. Their orgasm rates fall. And their rates of sexual pain disorders go up. I repeated all the statistics that he had read in our book, while on that phone conversation.
He kept saying, “but women just need to understand this.”
I explained that, since we have proof now that this does demonstrable and measurable harm for women, that this message can’t be from God and it can’t be true, because God wouldn’t harm women like that. And he kept doubling down that this was how men were.
So I tried a different tactic. I asked, “What if instead we taught men what lust is, and called men to treat women with respect, as whole people? Isn’t women’s pain worth that?”
And he kept repeating that I was being naive; that I didn’t understand men. That if women just understood men better, they wouldn’t have these negative outcomes. The negative outcomes were apparently due to women not accepting how men were, and fighting against it and, presumably, expecting more.
So the problem, again, was with women.
That broke my heart.
I had thought this person truly loved Jesus.
I had thought they were committed to marital health. But when I showed evidence that his teaching hurt women, he basically said, “well, that’s their fault for not accepting men as they are.”
Now, I know some of you may be pushing back (as some did on Facebook!), saying that just because someone is wrong about something doesn’t mean they don’t love Jesus. And I agree with that.
But this isn’t a matter of a difference of opinion on infant baptism or the rapture or whether you should raise your hands when singing. This is about “is it okay to harm a whole group of people by what you teach? Does their pain matter?”
And he felt it didn’t. And all the markers of loving Jesus show that loving Jesus means loving those that Jesus loves and wanting to protect them, not hurt them. You certainly can’t justify hurting women just so that men can continue to sin!
It all reminds me of a scene from the movie Shrek that I talked about recently on a Substack article:
There’s a line in the movie Shrek that our family keeps repeating lately that sums up our society: the evil prince is announcing a tournament for the “privilege” of rescuing Princess Fiona. He declares magnanimously to the knights gathered before him, “Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
That’s the call of the (largely American white) evangelical church right now as it looks at the rest of society: “Some of you may suffer, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
We teach as gospel that men get to make the final decision, even if she doesn’t like it. We teach that men have a “God-given” need for domestic support, so she should have to do the housework (thanks, His Needs, Her Needs and Marriage on the Rock). We teach that sex is a male entitlement and a female obligation, to the extent that Love & Respect even teaches that women don’t need orgasms, and Sheet Music tells women that when they’re bleeding heavily or they’re not feeling well, they should just give their husbands hand jobs or blow jobs, since “faithfulness is a two-person job.” We teach that God created men to lust (thanks, Every Man’s Battle), but God’s will is that a man lusts after only one woman, rather than every woman, so she must make herself available at all times so he doesn’t stray.
None of this is good news. But if you don’t believe it they say you don’t believe the Bible…
But Jesus sacrificed Himself, not others.
…Yet instead of giving away power, they are trying to remake society into something that benefits them. And when others say, “hey, that’s not fair,” they say they’re being persecuted, that Biblical values are under attack.
But their good news is only good for a very small group of people.
So it’s not really good news at all.
That’s really the heart of it. Jesus sacrificed himself for others; this author was saying that women should sacrifice their safety and well-being for men’s comfort.
“Some of you women may never receive the sexual pleasure you otherwise would have; your marriages may be much worse; you may even have sexual pain disorders. But this is okay, because it’s worth it because men need not to be shamed for lusting.”
Did he say that in those exact words? No, of course not. But that was the meaning of it.
He didn’t care that women were hurt, because the priority was that men not be shamed for lust.
And, as people said on Facebook, there’s a lot of grey areas in the Bible, but lust isn’t one of them.
Jesus explicitly blamed men for lust.
He said they should pluck out their eyes. He didn’t say “boys will be boys.” Yet our best-selling evangelical authors argue that it’s okay that the cost of men’s comfort is women’s pain.
This interaction triggled a huge crisis of faith for me.
It was right around when The Great Sex Rescue was published, and I was honestly a mess for the next two years or so. I truly believed that these authors who were preaching about Jesus would care about women when they saw our stats, but they didn’t. How could it be that these people that I thought loved Jesus truly didn’t care about women?
The only parts of the Bible I could read were the gospels, and that’s where I stayed for a long while.
I don’t keep tabs on that author very much anymore. We never talk anymore, and we’ve gone our separate ways. He considers me an enemy, I’m sure (and he’s written as much without directly naming me).
But I did see his social media recently, which is likely what triggered the dreams I’ve been having lately replaying this conversation. And in that post, he was calling making racist and misogynistic statements “painting outside the lines a little”, and said we shouldn’t judge someone’s faith by that.
This same man once preached sermons against racism. I wonder if he would do the same today.
I think God gives each of us very specific moments in life when we get to choose our path.
Yes, everyday decisions matter, but I think there are these telling, defining moments for each of us. I think that’s what the story of Pharaoh and the 10 plagues is really about. Pharaoh had the opportunity, at each point, to change the whole trajectory of his life. And each time he chose wrong, bringing more and more calamity–but also making it more likely he would choose wrong again in the future.
When we choose the wrong path, we harden our hearts. When we ignore the voice of God, we make it harder to hear Him later.
I think my interaction with this author is a microcosm of what’s happened in evangelicalism.
As I’ve said before, the American evangelical church as a whole was more open to women thirty and forty years ago than it is today. Beth Allison Barr shows that so well in her newest book Becoming the Pastor’s Wife. The church has hardened its heart. And much harm has been done.
And many people’s faith is floundering, like mine was, because how can these people who know the Bible so well and who claim to love Jesus not care about the harm they are doing? As one woman said on Facebook, the real fear she has is that THIS is what God actually thinks. And how could we live like that? They are teaching women to doubt God’s love for us and His goodness towards us.
That’s what still haunts me. Rebecca and Keith have an easier time processing this than I do. But I feel like I knew this author; I felt what I thought was his love for Jesus. How do I reconcile that?
I don’t know. Which is likely why I keep dreaming about this conversation, on an endless loop, hoping that one day it may end differently.
One thought that I had that might illuminate the difference between your opinions on the matter. I think largely across the evangelical space, lust is viewed as a sin that mostly harms the sinner (mostly a inward heart issue, like pride), vs a sin that actively harms another (murder being the most obvious example in this category). You are talking past each other because he doesn’t see that lust has victims outside the sinner. If lust is a heart only issue, then women need to give grace as the man works on his own heart. You are saying, while you work on your heart issue, your lust is hurting those around you. I think he is dismissing your data because “lust is a heart issue” so others can’t be hurt that isn’t how this works. (I think that is a delusional thought by the by but that is another matter.) I think this might also be why he is missing that when people act like predators, other people pull away from them, because he doesn’t think that a solely heart matter would make someone a predator. I think it is weird that people think that what you think about others in the privacy of your own bedroom won’t affect how you treat them when you actually interact with them.
This has me asking…. Do we, as the church really know the love of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit?? I don’t think we do. Do we really believe God has a more full life for us than we have for ourselves? I don’t think so. We’re missing the Gospel completely.
I disagree that pride doesn’t harm others. I’d argue it’s the primary cause of most of the recent scandals in the church!
(I agree with you on everything else though)
I absolutely agree that frankly there is really isn’t a sin that only affects the sinner, but I needed some example where there isn’t a direct “I do the sin and it immediately affects the other person” situation.
I think you may be on to something! I think this is a big part of it. I also find it interesting that in the book Every Man’s Battle they never once talk about the effect on the women around them. The victim of their lust is–their own purity.
I think we need to define lust here.
Shortly after the birth of one of my children, I was in the grocery store checkout line when I heard a baby cry ACROSS the store. In less than a minute, I was leaking milk profusely. I did not picture that baby in my mind, I did not imagine nursing that baby. I simply heard the cry and my body took over.
If a man sees woman or an image, and starts to rise, I am struggling to label that lust.
However, if he is looking at a women or images FOR THE PURPOSE OF stimulating a rise, that IS lusting.
If the first situation is lusting, then yes, (almost) all men lust and I’m having a hard time seeing it as sin.
I shall go now and find a good place to hide. =)
I think you’re exactly right. Lust isn’t merely a biological reaction or that spark of attraction. Lust is objectifying someone and using them for your own gratification.
I think sometimes when we think that “you can’t lust for your own wife” that proves people don’t understand lust. Because you absolutely can lust after your spouse, since lust isn’t just sexual attraction but objectification and using someone.
Interesting you should bring that up. I mentioned the suggestion of “sending boudoir pictures to your husband” to my husband. I said this seemed unwise for a couple of reasons. He was quiet, then said…”I don’t think that men should feed that side of themselves”. Later (a few days) it came up again and he said “that is straight up objectifying your wife”.
We have never really discussed these things or talked about objectifying women. He does not participate in any social media, hasn’t read any “christian” marriage books. I was impressed that he pegged these things so accurately.
Sheila, I understand your faith dilemma as it is my own. Reconciling why a group of proclaimed Christians would turn their back on a population in the Body of Christ is beyond baffling to me; it is egregious. In my case, it was young boys being sexually assaulted by another young teenage boy, and when the Christians in authority over these children learned of it, they did nothing. Actually, they initially claimed to have done something, only to admit later that they had done nothing. In essence, what they did is make it go away. I struggle to find a church community in my area that is non-denominational and without legalism and fundamentalism. There is a dangerous trend happening in some of our churches across this country, and I fear what my own children will have as options. I believe our family unit is not destined to remain in our current “pond.” We will soon retire/relocate to another place that will be more like an “ocean” from which there are so many fish in the sea from which to pick. Having lived in a more metropolitan area eons ago, the choices of finding a church were many. I believe this author, of whom you speak, will have his day of reckoning, as I also believe so many others like him will. It is my prayer that it will not be on their deathbeds. Proverbs 16:18 – Pride goes before destruction. Sheila, you have brought to light a gi-hugic (yes, made-up word) issue that these men are unable to acknowledge because of their pride – they see it, I know they do. They believe the statistics because they cannot refute them, but they can ignore them because they do not serve their egotistical purpose for keeping men infantile, entitled, and well-served by their wives. These men – the patriarchy, the privileged – attack you because the truth is not on their side. Someone once shared this with me when I was in the thick of my situation with the young boys. She asked me, “What are they denying?” I thought about that and I guessed, “The truth?” She smiled and wrote down on a napkin, Truth. I saw she capitalized the “T” in truth, and her point hit me hard. I said, “They are denying the Truth, so they are denying Jesus.” And she said, “Just like they did in Jesus’ time.” I hope that brings you, Sheila, what that brought me – enlightenment on a situation that is covered with justification. Let them know we are Christians by our love, even if it means we are persecuted for believing in the Truth.
Not only does the “all men lust” belief hurt women, it also hurts men. Especially teenage boys when they’re being told that “all men lust, it’s just the way you are.” This causes them to feel shame whenever they look at an attractive female, then they’re worried that they’re lusting.
During my single years, I was told feeling an attraction toward another single guy was lusting. Since I was afraid of sinning, I almost married someone I was not physically attracted to and thought that was a good thing because I hardly had sexual thoughts about him. I’m glad I realized that attraction is an important ingredient to a marriage or you might just as well be platonic roommates.
On another note, how would this man feel if you told him that women love to shop? They cannot help it, that’s just how they are and you men need to accept that.