Let’s look at His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
But first…
One of the things we’re passionate about on this blog is making sure the self-help and relationship advice in the evangelical world is healthy.
Over the last few years, our team has surveyed 40,000 people, measuring how certain teachings common in the evangelical world about marriage and sex affect marital and sexual satisfaction.
And the results have not been pretty.
We’re asking the church to stop spreading harmful messages, and make sure that what is said is actually healthy. Because it is actually possible to write books that do not harm!
As we’ve confronted harmful messages, we’ve written three big books–The Marriage You Want, The Great Sex Rescue and She Deserves Better.
We’ve also published a series of downloadable one-sheets on evangelical books that still sell well, but have been shown to contain harmful messages.
And today, we’d like to talk about the book The Love Dare.
This post is written in bullet form, with just the synopsis of the problems. You can download the post below, in a one-sheet format that can be printed.
His Needs, Her Needs
by Willard Harley
Stated Synopsis of the Book
Helping couples restore love by teaching them to meet each other’s emotional needs.
This post is available in downloadable form here:
His Needs Her Needs
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SUMMARY OF ISSUES
- Creates a framework of emotional needs unsupported by research, while reinforcing outdated gender stereotypes and enabling entitlement and immaturity
- Holds an unscientific view of what leads to infidelity, and appears to blame the victim
- Presents a view of sexual intimacy that is male-focused, ignoring women’s pleasure for her own sake
1. His Needs, Her Needs Is BASED ON A FAULTY, UNSCIENTIFIC, AND UNBIBLICAL FRAMEWORK
If you’re going to create a framework of ten emotional needs, you should base it on actual data. But Willard Harley doesn’t. Instead, he just takes people at their word that they need certain things.
But he never asks: “What if they’re wrong?” He never asks, “What if people THINK they need something, but it’s only because their trauma/immaturity/selfishness/entitlement is preventing them from wanting what actually leads to intimacy?
Intimacy, after all, requires vulnerability. It requires seeing someone else as an equal, not just someone available to you for free labor.
The 10 Emotional Needs in His Needs, Her Needs
The Needs He Tends to Have
- Sexual Fulfillment *
- Recreational Companionship *
- Physically Attractive Spouse
- Domestic Support
- Admiration and Appreciation
The Needs She Tends to Have
- Affection *
- Intimate Conversation *
- Open and Honest Communication
- Financial Support
- Family Commitment
* Denotes the top needs that are virtually universal. Some find the other needs are not as important.
Specific Issues:
- Takes people (including emotionally unaware and immature people) at their word regarding their needs, rather than relying on data, which shows that certain things are essential ingredients of intimacy (such as open and honest communication). Instead, says only people who think they need these things actually do, creating an unscientific framework for his book.
- Overlooks the fact that psychological, peer-reviewed frameworks of emotional needs do not contain his ten needs, and several of his “needs” are not needs at all (man’s need for “domestic support” or an “attractive spouse”, for instance).
- Asserts that men not doing housework doesn’t bother women that much, even though multiple peer reviewed studies have found that this is women’s number one issue in marriage.
- Makes multiple claims disputed by research, including that 60% of marriages have infidelity (170) (real number is 20%); people have affairs because of lack of sex (research says quantity of sex isn’t related to risk of infidelity, but entitlement and power in relationships are); and more.
- Contains no peer reviewed citations, but relies entirely on his own experience. Does not contain any Jesus-based argument.
2. His Needs, Her Needs REINFORCES A PATERNALISTIC AND SEXIST VIEW OF WOMEN
Whether we’re talking about sex, housework, who pays the bills, or who looks after the children, the answer is always the same: The husband gets access to women’s labor, but the opposite isn’t true. She has to supply him sex on demand, and her pleasure doesn’t exist in its own right. She is the default parent and the default housekeeper. And she is the one who cares for the kids.
And in his anecdotes throughout the book, he expresses sympathy for men who are asked to help around the house, labelling the wives as “incessantly nagging.”
The book is hopelessly out of date–but there was never a time in history when this was healthy.
There was just a time when you wouldn’t be accused of being a sexist for saying these things out loud. Thankfully, those times have past–but the author seems not to understand that.
Specifically:
- Solidifies gender stereotypes by saying that a need for honesty and openness or for intimate conversation tends to be female. In reality, the need is universal, as seen conclusively by the Harvard Longitudinal study.
- Paints a wife, who asked her husband to help with their three children under 5, as being unreasonable.
About a family with three children under five, where the wife is asking the husband for help after the third child is born.
Life, once so pleasant for Phil, rapidly became intolerable. He tried to escape by watching television and surfing the internet, but that didn’t work well because Charlene continually asked him to get up and help her around the house. Next, he started staying at work after quitting time and hanging around with some of his coworkers, but that only aroused Charlene’s ire. She felt hurt and angry when he didn’t come home in time to help. When they sat down to talk with each other, which wasn’t very often, Charlene used the opportunity to express her intense dissatisfaction with his lack of help with children and household tasks. And when he came home from work late, which was almost always, Charlene was in no mood to make love with him. Eventually he stopped coming home altogether.
Unmet emotional needs often trigger fantasies, and the need for domestic support is no exception…
In the chapter on how men need “domestic support”, explaining the dynamics why men stop wanting to engage with their wives and stop coming home when the wives ask the husbands to help, which the men find intolerable.
- Insists that many men feel an emotional need for an attractive spouse, even more than they do for affection or open and honest communication.
- Asserts that many men feel an emotional need for their wife to do the housework, even if she works outside the home.
I assure you that a revolution in male attitudes towards housework that was supposed to have taken place–with men pitching in to take an equal share of the household chores–has not necessarily changed their emotional needs. Many of the men I counsel still tell me in private that they need domestic support as much as ever.
- Claims that if a task needs to be done but the husband says it doesn’t matter to him (even if it’s important), it should default to the wife (135), even if both work full-time.
- Believes it’s “reasonable” to assume that “men aren’t wired for domestic tasks” (128), and don’t have women’s “instinct” for them.
- Claims that, no matter the couple’s earning potentials or circumstances, the husband must earn enough for the “needs” of the family. Ignores modern financial realities, and families where she is the main breadwinner.
3. His Needs, Her Needs DOWNPLAYS ABUSE AND VICTIM BLAMES
The word “abuse” never once appears in this book in any context that would help readers understand abuse or be wary of it. Instead, it’s as if the 25% of marriages that are abusive don’t exist, or aren’t important.
And even in those marriages, we have to take men’s views of whether or not they are getting their needs met at face value.
To write a book in 2025 without explaining abusive dynamics is, quite simply, clinical malpractice.
Specifically:
- Gives abusive and narcissistic spouses ammunition to cast blame. Denies that there is a greater truth we can measure things by as Christians.
“If your spouse considers what you say to be disrespectful, it is.”
- Makes no allowance for an entitled, immature, or abusive spouse with unrealistic expectations.
“Who is responsible for your spouse’s feeling of romantic love for you? It’s you, not your spouse.” (28).
- While talking about victims of marital rape he sees in his counseling practice, does not (1) mention that rape is illegal; (2) mention that this is abusive; (3) mention that he ensures anyone he counsels like this is safe; or (4) call the authorities. Instead, frames sexual aversion as a “tragic consequence” of marital rape, since now the wife doesn’t like sex (74).
- Insinuates that a man may have an affair if his wife doesn’t like football and prefers museums (64); if she doesn’t have enough sex; if she “incessantly nags” him by asking him to help with the children; and more, causing readers to become hyper-vigilant and fearful.
- Paints the problems in a particular marriage as “because of her study schedule” rather than the fact that the husband, whom Harley frames as “totally committed to his family”, resents the changes a child brings; leaves all the housework to his exhausted, full-time student wife; and resents the fact that she is now too tired for sex (24).
Mary enrolls in classes and soon earns excellent grades. But those grades require sacrifice of attention and time. What bothers John the most is that Mary rarely seems to be in the mood to make love. John understands her dilemma. School consumes a lot of energy, and what is left she devotes to housekeeping and caring for Tiffany. By bedtime, Mary feels exhausted, and John doesn’t want her to feel pressured to make love.
John makes the best of it with less frequent and more hurried lovemaking when he finds Mary in the mood, but he also misses the attention she used to give him and the tennis games they usually played on Saturday mornings. Now Mary seldom spends time with him and rarely plays tennis on Saturdays. Instead, on the weekends she does housework and catches up on homework for her Monday classes.
In the chapter on the Love Bank, explaining why John loses love for Mary.
- Fails to acknowledge that problems are fixed not just by someone admitting a mistake, but also, especially in the case of big betrayals, by them taking concrete steps to regain trust (60). Blames the wronged spouse for not forgiving rather than the offending spouse for not changing.
- Does not once mention the reality of abuse, or give any warnings about it.
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4. His Needs, Her Needs SEES SEX THROUGH A MALE LENS
His Needs, Her Needs is one of the few evangelical marriage books that acknowledges that women’s orgasms exist. And yet it frames her orgasm as optional. He claims that women just aren’t that interested in the pleasure of sex, and that they don’t achieve orgasm because women aren’t aware of their own sexuality–rather than noting that the biggest single reason women don’t achieve orgasm is men’s lack of foreplay.
Even when he does discuss women’s pleasure, though, it’s seen not for her sake, but for his. His view of sex is entirely male-focused, making it hardly surprising that he would assert the now disproven claim that it is women’s lack of sex and lack of enthusiasm for sex that causes affairs, rather than men’s entitlement and power dynamics.
Specifically:
- States that “sexual exclusivity requires sexual cooperation” (174), saying that without frequent sex, it’s hard to expect faithfulness. Gives no caveats here for unfulfilling sex; unfulfilling relationships, etc. Says that you must give your spouse the “quality and quantity” of sex they desire, but doesn’t say that if they don’t do the same for you, you can set boundaries.
- Gives no understanding of consent.
- Frames her sexual pleasure as optional while his is mandatory. Claims that exhausted women often “choose not to climax” during sex, rather than explaining that many exhausted women have sex they don’t want because they feel pressured. (73)
Women with less energy or women who feel tired after a long, hard day often choose not to climax. (73)
- Insinuates that women should enjoy sex because otherwise it’s not enjoyable for the husband, rather than acknowledging that women deserve pleasure in their own right. States “unless a woman joins her husband in the sexual experience, his needs for sex remain unmet”, rather than accurately saying that without pleasure, her needs for sex remain unmet. (67)
Healthy Sexuality Score: 11/48
Infidelity and Lust:
2/16
Pleasure:
4/16
Mutuality:
5/16
For complete results, download our rubric and scorecard.
WHAT OTHERS HAVE SAID about His Needs, Her Needs
“I read it and my husband loved it. It elevated and centered my husband’s sex drive over everything else in our marriage and made me feel such a sense of obligation and shame when I wasn’t ‘enough.’”
“Our marriage was genuinely better before we did that group study, and it never got better until both of us went to therapy.”
“His Needs, Her Needs led me down a path of extreme dieting. My (now ex) husband didn’t seem attracted to me so I figured I wasn’t meeting his “need” of an attractive wife.”
“This book has caused a lot of damage in my previous marriage. I remember reading the chapter on the man’s need for his wife to look physically attractive. My wife had just had our second child and understandably had gained a little weight. After reading that chapter, I felt justified in telling my wife that I would like her to lose some weight. She was devastated. I had hurt her deeply and I knew it. I was also very confused. I thought I was taking actions to help strengthen our marriage. I was reading Christian marriage books yet I lacked the discernment to determine whether these books were actually teaching biblical truths. Unfortunately, that marriage ended. I deeply regret my actions towards my wife and the way I treated her.” — Podcast listener from Georgia
“It really ruined our marriage. I did not live up to his expectations of beauty, which Harley names as a need of men. I also didn’t share his hobbies and activity level. And my ex beat me over the head with that book. And he had an excuse handed to him for what he did to end our marriage.”
SYNOPSIS OF FINDINGS about His Needs, Her Needs
Willard Harley creates an unscientific framework of ten emotional needs that ignores all data around intimate relationships. Sometimes the answer isn’t giving someone what they want, but instead challenging their assumptions, when those assumptions (like I need my wife to do all the housework) are what’s actually undermining marriage. He reinforces dynamics that prioritize men and leave both men and women hungry for real intimacy, rather than promoting actual healthy, God-given needs for intimacy.
Instead of His Needs, Her Needs, Choose:
The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman; not Christian
The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delightby Dr. Dan B. Allender and Dr. Steve Call
Download a One-Sheet Summarizing this Post
His Needs Her Needs
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I genuinely do not understand how anyone can say that men are not wired for domestic tasks with a straight face. So let me get this straight my ASD having self who looks after a puppy and has looked after my own home for nearly four years now is some kind of mutation to this guy? My goodness does that mean my comments here are my own Cerebro? Also this guy is out here saying people need their spouse to constantly be sexy. Aside from the logistics of everyday life making that impossible I just can not fathom how anybody could want to be constantly in a state of arousal and this is coming from somebody who had a genuine problem when puberty happened to me. I have dealt with addictive and maladaptive behavior on and off for over a decade now. It feels gross ok. It feels horrible. You think anybody is going to feel good when you feel gross and used? I feel that way as a single man I would imagine based on the statistics that it would be even worse for a couple.
It’s such a bizarre take!
“Also this guy is out here saying people need their spouse to constantly be sexy. ”
Only in Porn, dude, only in Porn.
Or in Biblical Manhood(TM).
Again as somebody who has had a problem for over a decade on and off porn is completely nuts. Consent is just another flavor. Stereotypes are played into in ways that are deeply uncomfortable. People like me are a genre more or less in porn and it is deeply uncomfortable. Also again real sex doesn’t work like porn and I can say that even as somebody who has never had sex.
>> He tried to escape by watching television and surfing the internet, but that didn’t work well because Charlene continually asked him to get up and help her around the house.
Wow. There are no words. This is so close to Homer Simpson, it’s scary
“It wasn’t easy juggling a pregnant wife and a rambunctious 2 year old, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV every day”.
It’s just so atrocious it’s hard to imagine this got past an editor.
Kind of unfair to Homer Simpson, who is really a decent guy deep down, just not too bright, not too competent, has his flaws plus a life-long run of plain bad luck.
Just like his Christian neighbor Ned Flanders is a decent guy, just… annoying.
It’s amazing that there is no mention of abuse anywhere. Even Love and Respect had a “Cover my Butt Clause” as I like to call it where you mention this is not for abusive relationships even though you don’t really mean it based on everything else in the book to get people off your back and so you won’t get in trouble because you have that clause to point to so you can go “See? I told you so!”
Yep, I did a word search on my Kindle version. Not there.
There seems to be a trend in christian marriage books by which the author takes some preferences and some nice to haves and turns them into God-ordained non-negotiable needs, which is weird and often only able to be accomplished by couples in a very specific tax bracket. It also seems like they only do that with men’s needs. They manage to find the items that are actually helpful to a marriage, but those are women’s needs. so close….
This is the study that I remember my parents doing when I was an adolescent (late 90’s/early 00s) my dad always called the study “her needs, her needs” as if the study focused too much on the women’s needs. I have no idea where he got that idea as I haven’t read this book.
The book is seriously heavily weighted towards the man! But he does tell men they need to talk with their wives and spend time with them. So I guess that’s good?
“the author takes some preferences and some nice to haves and turns them into God-ordained non-negotiable needs”
Not just “christian marriage books”, but Christianese in general.
I’m just wondering, was data about this stuff available to Harley in 1986 when he wrote the book? Or even in 2011 when the new edition came out? I guess Gottman’s research was available in 2011. Absolutely noy defending Harley because his book was harmful. One of the reader comments is mine. But wondering if the wording should be more like “we now have studies that show…. And therefore this book should not be used anymore.
I mean, I got married in 1991, so not that long after 1986. And this stuff would have been INSANE to me then too.
I probably read it over 30 years ago. I remember seeing the lists and thinking, “Sex isn’t even on her list, and affection isn’t on his? Everyone needs affection. What’s wrong with him and men in general? ” I’m appalled to see that it’s still being republished!
I’ve been reading these marriage book quotes and reversing them as if written by a woman with entitlement issues, you know, women are just wired to…(shop, need a massage every 72 hours, never do yardwork, etc,) or they’ll just run off and get a boyfreiend and it wiil be all your fault! It’s quite amusing. Someone should write a book. Or even just an essay.
The Jesus Junkstore circuit is its own Alternate Reality.
Back in the Eighties, one of radio talk-show host Rich Buhler’s tag lines was “God Lives in the Real World.’
And a lot of Christians DON’T.
On the topic of reversing the rhetoric, after I attended my sister’s church and heard a sermon by their marriage “expert” about how women and men are 100% different and can never understand each other but by the grace of God can slough it through… I told her that it was the best argument for same-sex marriage I’d ever heard. I also told her I wasn’t expecting church to be the place that makes me feel bad about being straight (it’s not choice!). My conservative mother actually laughed.
HAHA! That’s quite funny actually!
I don’t know if you picked these anecdotes from the book for this reason, but the similarities are fascinating. In both, it’s actually the woman who needs “domestic support,” but this is ignored. In one story, the wife is in the wrong for advocating for herself and asking her husband to help. In the other, the wife is in the wrong for (apparently) taking the childcare and housework responsibilities on herself despite her demanding school load, and then not having energy to meet her husband’s “need” for sex. Not to mention, it’s hard to imagine either of these women is getting her need for affection or emotionally honest conversation met!
To me, this reads as subtle DARVO on the author’s part, and communicates that women meeting men’s needs is obligatory, while men meeting women’s needs is optional.
That is so telling, isn’t it?
Who gets to judge if the woman is meeting the man’s needs sufficiently?
Who gets to judge if the man is meeting the woman’s needs sufficiently?
Since the answer to both questions is the same, one person can completely dictate the terms of the relationship.
Yeah, sign me up for that 🤬.
I think this, “unless a woman joins her husband in the sexual experience, his needs for sex remain unmet” should be changed to this, “unless a husband includes his wife in the sexual experience (of orgasm), her needs for sex remain unmet.” Or even, “Unless a husband joins his wife in the childcare (or housekeeping, etc.) experience, her needs for Family Commitment remain unmet.”
With all the “logical” men out there, did none of them put together that sex (intercourse) without orgasm for years will result in a diminished desire for sex(intercourse)?
And us women are the emotional and illogical ones? Riiight…
Who is wired to do household chores anyway?
This reminds me of a line from one of the best Disney movies ever made:
“Picture this. A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet, while the little ones play on the floor with the dogs. We’ll have six or seven.”
“Dogs?”
“No, Belle. Strapping boys like me.”
*sarcastically* “Imagine that.”
Sounds like this book ought to be titled “Gaston’s Guide to a Happy Marriage.” Subtitled “Be a perfect beauty and I won’t have to be a beast!”
It’s no wonder Belle chose to be captive in the Beast’s castle to save her father. She also set boundaries with the Beast like she wouldn’t talk or eat with him if he yelled at her while not expecting he would change but the Beast did so because he loved her and she realized he was a good person deep down after he risked her life to save her from the wolves and gave her access to his huge library and showed that he appreciated her intelligence.
yes, in reference to that meme from a while back… Belle chose the Bear
Whoops it should be risked HIS life, not her my bad
Beast also didn’t demand that she submit to his authority. Belle had no problem standing her ground when he responded with anger.
Exactly! And that was the moment she earned his respect. Gaston saw Belle as an object to serve him; the Beast saw her as a person. Likewise, she saw the man within the Beast, which made him want to be a better person.
Literally! Yet “Beauty and the Beast” gets accused of promoting Stockholm syndrome all the time. Never mind it portrays the stark contrast between a true predator and a beast who willingly changes himself for the woman he loves. And the woman in question CHOOSES to love the Beast; he never forces her to love him.
I was introduced to this book in 1999 in a premarital class through my church. My ex never read the book, but I did and could not get through it. I thought it was unbelievably sexist and said so to him. He liked the fact that Harley claimed that sexual fulfillment was the top need for a man and often beat me over the head with it. After I divorced my ex in 2002, I trashed this book. I would not take it to a used book store because I did not want to expose anyone to this harm.
I do remember the story of John and Mary. The author did not acknowledge that her needs for family support and attention and affection were being met. Instead it was all about fulfilling John’s needs for sex and recreational companionship. But Mary met his need for domestic support by tending to the house and caring for their daughter when she wasn’t at school. However, john was pitching a fit because he wasn’t getting his sexual and recreational needs met. Well, John quit your griping and help Mary with the housework and spend time with your daughter. By doing that, Mary probably wouldn’t be so tired and frustrated.
As for Harley talking about the wife gaining weight which creates a prison sentence for the husband, what was the husband doing about his appearance? It goes both ways. I think of a meme I have seen on social media: men, if you want a Victoria Secret model, then you better look like Brad Pitt. Some variations say Johnny Depp.
I haven’t read this book, but if seems like the logic is:
Men have to talk nicely to their wives and have conversations with them and do stuff like buy flowers on anniversaries and birthdays, so that their wives won’t have a justification for refusing them access to their bodies, which should prevent the men from committing adultery, which is the only acceptable reason for divorce.
I am curious if any of these books ever considers the phenomenon of the female partner being physically unfaithful, and how that is explained. Or if that “doesn’t happen” in the evangelical sphere…
This is incredible! Is there a way to get the one-sheet downloads since I’m already a subscriber?
If you fill in your email it will still come to you! I’ll also ask Rebecca to put the link in Friday’s email!
I find it interesting that 3-4 of the man’s “needs” can technically be bought/paid for: you can pay for sex, pay for recreational classes, pay for a cleaning service, and pay for some cosmetic procedures. Yet under women’s “needs” financial support is listed alongside things that cannot really be bought. This collection seems so monetarily-focused which I guess can also often be associated with power.
Absolutely, Nessie! I just find it incredible that he thinks that men don’t have real emotional needs.
‘Insinuates that a man may have an affair if his wife doesn’t like football and prefers museums (64); ”
Really?
Do you know what I would have given for a girlfriend who’d accompany me on museum crawls and used bookstore crawls?
(And with my high school experience, any liking for football would be an immediate deal-breaker anyway.)
“the fact that the husband, whom Harley frames as “totally committed to his family”, resents the changes a child brings; leaves all the housework to his exhausted, full-time student wife; and resents the fact that she is now too tired for sex (24).”
Reminds me of the time Deep Throat Driscoll pitched a fit when his wife went from long hair to a short bob after their first kid.
(Driscoll was also where I first heard about “the 72-hour rule”. I’m InCel in the original meaning of the word, and this guy couldn’t go without getting laid for THREE DAYS? That was when I pegged him as a male nymphomaniac.)
Yep. Driscoll’s part of the same bunch.
Funny anecdote from my past: Back in the Eighties I knew a guy who was young and horny. Not a bad guy (at least back then), but he could drive you up the walls. I especially remember this exchange:
HIM: “I haven’t gotten laid in THREE WEEKS.”
ME: “I haven’t gotten laid in thirty-four years – what are you bitching about?”
I tried putting my email in to get the one-sheet download, and I received some emails, but I didn’t receive any email specifically with the one-sheet download.
It looks like you got it! Sorry, it was a glitch in our system but it was because of something I did. I fixed it!
If a guy is upset and resentful about changes a baby brings to the family, how can he be called “totally committed to his family”?
One word: narcissist. A narcissist will resent anything that takes attention away from them. Unless they can use the child to draw attention to themselves, which swerves dangerously close to Munchausen-by-proxy territory.
Exactly!
The same way the Communists of the last century were “totally committed to The People”.
The “Family” said Christian guy is so Focused on is an abstract construct, a Perfect Platonic Archetype, NOT the imperfect messy reality of his RL family which just gets in the way.
Thank you thank you thank you for this writing.
I bought that book… this is so helpful to read, what you’ve written
Thank you