One of the things we’re passionate about on this blog is making sure the self-help and relationship advice in the evangelical world is healthy.
Over the last few years, our team has surveyed over 32,000 people, measuring how certain teachings common in the evangelical world about marriage and sex affect marital and sexual satisfaction.
And the results have not been pretty.
We’re asking the church to stop spreading harmful messages, and make sure that what is said is actually healthy. Because it is actually possible to write books that do not harm!
As we’ve confronted harmful messages, we’ve written two big books–The Great Sex Rescue and She Deserves Better.
We’ve also published a series of downloadable one-sheets on evangelical books that still sell well, but have been shown to contain harmful messages.
Let’s talk about XO Marriage and Marriage on the Rock
In our quest to analyze the best-selling marriage books in evangelicalism, many asked me about the book Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans.
I first became aware of Jimmy Evans through Mark Driscoll. Jimmy Evans started an organization called XO Marriage about 30 years ago, after he almost caused his own marriage to implode and then had a “come to Jesus” moment. He and his wife wanted to help others with their marriages (though they had no formal training or qualifications).
They were, however, well connected with huge megachurches like Gateway Church, then run by Robert Morris (who has now had to step down after allegations that he sexually groomed and assaulted a teen girl for years, starting when she was 12).
XO Marriage was focused on marriage enrichment events and conferences, and one of the speaker couples they brought on was Mark and Grace Driscoll–even AFTER Mars Hill imploded. They kept Mark and Grace on as speakers even after the podcast The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill dropped, detailing the misogynistic attitude Mark Driscoll had, and the graphic and degrading sex advice he gave, even from the pulpit. As recently as a year ago, they had reels by Mark Driscoll giving marriage advice on their Instagram channel.
That’s when I started paying attention.
Why would a marriage organization feature Mark Driscoll?
And what does that say about the health of their advice? He was even on their leadership team! Here, for instance, is a screenshot of their web page in July 2023. Notice that Jimmy and Karen Evans and Dave and Ashley Willis of Naked Marriage are still proud to serve with the Driscolls:
What does it say about a person’s judgment if they invite Mark Driscoll to teach on marriage?
That’s what I wondered, and that’s one of the big reasons I wanted to take a look at Jimmy Evans’ book. Given that XO Marriage still puts on a lot of conferences and has a big social media and podcast presence, what are they promoting?
As we were preparing this one-sheet, and the podcast you’ll hear tomorrow, another scandal broke.
An audio of Jimmy Evans being spiritually abusive dropped.
It’s a long story, but Daystar TV founder and multi-millionaire Joni Lamb brought Jimmy Evans in to reprimand her son and daughter-in-law who were questioning her new marriage and her leadership style. His reply? “Her voice is God to you.” And who holds her accountable, they asked? That’s not important, he replied.
It’s an hour and a half long, and it’s terrible. And throughout it, Jimmy Evans uses his role as a marriage teacher to bolster his credentials.
Jimmy Evans, then:
- started his marriage ministry entrenched in a church whose leaders covered up child sexual abuse;
- brought on staff and as his partner someone who was already well known to be spiritually abusive and misogynistic;
- and then proved himself to also be spiritually abusive.
And yet churches still invite him to speak!
So I thought it was worth looking at what he actually teaches, and that’s what we’ll do today.
This post is a detailed look, in point form, at the problems we found with Marriage on the Rock.
The page numbers included here are from the Kindle version, so may not line up exactly with the paperback. We’ll be looking at the book more informally in tomorrow’s podcast.
Everything in this post is also available in downloadable form for you to show to your pastor, your women’s ministry leader, or a church that is planning to host XO Marriage. You can download it here:
Marriage on the Rock
One Sheet
Everything Harmful with Marriage on the Rock Summarized on One Sheet!
Subscribe today to get the free printout to share with your friends, family, and pastors
Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans, 25th Anniversary Edition, 2019
Stated Synopsis of the Book
You have a 100 percent chance of succeeding in marriage, depending on what you are willing to put into it and Whom you have at the center.
Summary of Issues
- Deals inadequately with abuse, saying his methods are “guaranteed” without advocating or explaining boundaries.
- Presents the 1950s family as the ideal, putting the demands of home and children on women, whether they work outside the home or not.
- Claims women need men to lead, but then presents male leadership as doing what women are already doing.
- Focuses throughout the book on men’s constant need for sex without calling men to make sex good for women.
Misunderstands Dynamics of Abuse and Healing
- Whitewashes his own marriage. Opens the book framing both of them bearing the blame for early marriage problems. Later readers learn that he (1) cheated on her the night before his bachelor party (and multiple times before that) (107); (2) was dominant and “verbally abusive” (61); (3) played golf all weekend, and then came home for sex (83); (4) sexually groped her and physically hurt her though she told him to stop (131); and (5) used porn (59).
- Makes unwarranted and dangerous promises with no caveats:
“It does not matter how ‘out of love’ you are today. If you will begin to work at the relationship, you will soon see the resurrection of feelings and experiences that you thought were gone for good.” (34).
“No matter what the state of your marriage is today, if you will work hard at loving your spouse and meeting his or her needs (even if your spouse is not doing the same for you) you will begin to see a real difference in your marriage.” (36)
“God has a three-step plan to restore the first love passion of your relationship. This is a guaranteed method, because it is found in the Bible.” (38)
- Insinuates prayer and focusing on your own faults is adequate to fix a partner’s abuse: “Karen…prayed for him to change her. From that point…she trusted God to change me, as she focused on her own…weaknesses.” (60).
- Narrates from “Greg’s” point of view his step-children accusing him of wrongdoing. Blames the wife for not honoring Greg’s “law of possession” over her children, and criticizes her for divorcing him and choosing her children (49). Accepts Greg’s story at face value, ignoring the abuse stats in step-families.
- Tells a woman whose father raped her for six years as a teen that if she merely prays and forgives her father, God will heal her “today” (263). There is no mention of trauma, trauma-informed therapy, or notifying authorities.
- Warns against friends and family who may counsel you to divorce your spouse (67). Says you must not go to a them for help if you are being abused, but only to a pastor (176), even though many pastors are in the news for sending abused women back to their husbands, while family can often see through the fog of abuse.
- Promises that if you give your “bad” husband respect like you would Jesus, “he will rise to a higher level.” (176).
“Your husband may not act like Jesus, but if you would give him the kind of respect and honor you would give Jesus, he will rise to a higher level.” (176)
- Allows separation for abuse (172), but only after spending most of the book telling wives they can fix abuse. Later reiterates “Married couples must accept the fact that divorce is not an option” (212).
Gives Inconsistent and Contradictory Advice
- Insists (without scientific backing) that men and women each have four God-given, unchangeable basic needs. While several of the women’s needs lead to intimacy, men’s needs result in men feeling connected without having to achieve true emotional intimacy. Evans admits he was better off concentrating on his wife’s needs, since men’s needs don’t result in personal or relational flourishing. This leaves one to wonder why he thinks the male needs he’s named are God-given.
- Spends the majority of the book insisting that women need men to be leaders, using words like “boss”, “employer”, and “king”, even though multiple studies have found that when men exercise authority, marriages suffer (see John Gottman, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work). While research does support that marriages improve when men take initiative, it should not be considered “leadership” when men take initiative to do things women are already doing (137). This is simply being an involved partner, and using “boss” and “king” language obscures healthy advice while promoting unhealthy dynamics.
- Warns women harshly not to enable men’s sin. Then advises a woman whose adulterous husband spends the night at his girlfriend’s house after stopping at home to eat his wife’s cooking, that she should “treat him like Jesus” rather than calling him out. Presents a story where she repeatedly apologizes and asks for forgiveness, while allowing him have an affair with no consequences, as one for women to emulate (188).
- Equates a man spending all of his time away from home with friends and a woman being caught up in housework and childcare as equally neglecting the marriage (22).
Ignores Female Sexuality and Presents Sex as a Male Need
- States “a woman must never communicate to her husband that her body does not belong to him in an unqualified manner to meet his sexual needs.” (45). Makes no caveats for abuse, porn use. Doesn’t mention the orgasm gap.
- Implies that men are drawn to their wives, and remain faithful, because of sex. Warns women that saying no to sex will cause all kinds of harm (177), so they should be available, even during their periods (182).
“Be sensitive to your husband. Don’t make him beg for sex. Even during your menstrual cycle when you cannot have intercourse, there still are creative ways to satisfy his needs, if you will only be sensitive and available.” (182)
- Tells women to be sexually responsive without telling men to give women something to respond to (129).
- Instructs women to have “creative, expressive, prolonged” sex—but never says that husbands should bring their wives to orgasm (180), instead seems to imply we shouldn’t expect women to orgasm (“a mountaintop experience”) regularly (258).
“Also they want their wives to have “mountaintop” experiences every time they make love. Sorry! Those expectations will not happen, because women are very different from men as it relates to sex.” (260)
Note: In the Study Guide to Marriage on the Rock, Jimmy Evans explicitly says that women’s orgasms are “optional”, while men’s are “essential.”
- Instructs women to study their husband’s body’s design and his arousal patterns, but doesn’t tell husband the same (260), even though the orgasm gap is in favor of men.
- Admits a husband may be acting like a child, but says the solution is for the woman to keep the relationship exciting and interesting (182).
Ignores and Discounts Research on Modern Trends, Relying on Personal Opinion
- Claims the book is based on “what God has shown Karen and me about marriage.” Admits that they have no counseling, psychology, or educational background. Includes no peer reviewed research.
- Portrays a single earning household as ideal, while also normalizing parents buying their 16-year-old a car for their birthday, ignoring the economic reality of most families.
- Claims the ideal woman “aggressively meets his sexual needs, looks her best at all times, and provides a home environment to which he can look forward all day” (72). Asserts that the wife must remain “domestically centered” even if she works outside the home, since he needs her to care for the home (183). At the same time, chastises women for putting so much energy into the kids and home she has nothing left for him (24, 28). Defines prioritizing marriage as spending more time and energy on your husband than your kids, without explaining how this works in the newborn/toddler stage (30, 160).
“For a man, the ideal woman is someone who makes him feel like a king. He wants a cheerleader to tell him how great he is and to encourage him throughout his life. This ideal woman aggressively meets his sexual needs, looks her best at all times, and provides a home environment to which he can look forward all day.” (72)
- Claims that half of all marriages divorce for financial reasons, but then admits he can’t vouch for the stat (230)
- Disputes the evidence that spanking causes harm, arguing that it is necessary and beneficial if done with a paddle or wooden rod (contra Gershoff, 2016). Equates spanking with discipline, without realizing there are other, more effective methods of discipline more in line with Scripture (249).
- His only source for sex tips or research is Reader’s Digest (258).
HEALTHY SEXUALITY RUBRIC SCORE: 11/48*
INFIDELITY & LUST: 6/12 | PLEASURE 2/12 | MUTUALITY 3/12
**TO SEE RUBRIC AND SCORING CRITERIA, VISIT BAREMARRIAGE.COM/GSR-RUBRIC
SYNOPSIS OF FINDINGS
Jimmy Evans cares about couples and marriages and wants them to succeed, but his blinders about gender roles keep him from giving useful advice.
Women bear the brunt of this book. They have to be sexually exciting, available, and expressive, even if sex does nothing for them. They’re responsible for the home and kids, yet chastised if they don’t have time for their husbands. They’re told they just need to pray and God will change their marriage and cure their trauma, without acknowledgment of the reality of abuse or trauma.
We can do better.
Instead of Marriage on the Rock, Choose:
The Marriage You Want by Sheila Gregoire and Keith Gregoire
Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend
How We Love by Milan Yerkovich and Kay Yerkovich
Download this material in a onesheet format that you can email or give to someone who recommends the book. Let’s change the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to something healthy!
Marriage on the Rock
One Sheet
Everything Harmful with Marriage on the Rock Summarized on One Sheet!
Subscribe today to get the free printout to share with your friends, family, and pastors
Sounds like Jimmy Evans wants a mommy, a maid, a sex toy, and a puppy dog all rolled into one without contributing anything.
Makes me sick 🤢🤮
JoR calls this an “emotionless nanny sexbot”.
Excellent as always. In recommending books on marriage, how about including John Gottmans. As a world’s renowned authority on the subject.
I could spend months ripping into all of these insanities. I will only say “TERRIBLE”!
It really is! And it’s so weird how confidently he asserts that women don’t orgasm often. Like does he not realize what he’s saying?
Same 💩 , different day.
It really is as though the most emotionally stunted and damaged men herded together under the evangelical tent one day, likely to hide from the terrifying prospect of growth and maturity. Then, after they’d kicked everyone else out and declared themselves Kings of the Realm, they decided being emotionally stunted and damaged was not only normal but also holy, so they got busy writing instruction manuals on how to ruin your life.
I hate this. I joke, but I really, really, really hate it. A lot.
That’s such a good description of what happened!
Well dang, he shouts the quiet part out loud. This is almost worse than Love and Respect. At least Emerich seemed somewhat gentle (albeit condescending) in his way of communicating. There is zero way to take these quotes out of context. No amount of backpedaling could undo them.
It truly is bad. Really, really bad. A lot of the book is just “be nice to each other” but then there are these absolute gobsmacking bits.
I’m with Anonymous. My first thought reading those “requirements” was “So, he wants a call girl and a maid, but doesn’t want to pay the hourly rates for either.” I’m not even sure how these guys have friends, let alone spouses. They all sound like being around small children who have to be managed!
My h actually said to me one day, with frustration and scorn, “I just want to live like a bachelor with a maid!”
Everyone should read, “Vagina”by Naomi Wolfe.
“I just want to live like a bachelor with a maid!”
To which I say, that’s entirely doable, dude. Knock yourself out. Be prepared to pay for both the maid and the sex, whether payments to a prostitute or at least a meal out every time you need those critical orgasms you’ve been promised. 🙄
Jo R, it’s a joke but it’s also reality. I work in a blue-collar field with 95% men. There are a lot of men who believe that marriage is “buying” a guaranteed maid, nanny, household manager, and prostitute. (The “guaranteed” part is, for them, the reason to get married.) They turn over a good portion of their paycheck to their wives and expect her to fill all of those roles in return, on demand. It’s very transactional. They care that their wife is attractive and compliant. If not, they will find/buy a new one.
This may be the way of the world. But it is not how Christians are called to live.
Well said
That’s so sad!
I’m so sorry Connie. What a thing for a husband to say. If you have children, that’s an indefensible remark. 😱 Id be tempted to challenge him. Why don’t you try a trial separation and hire a maid?” And if he wants back, you know it’s because he wants a maid he doesn’t have to pay for and you can continue to be chopped liver. I realize having children may complicate things. Im not qualified to offer marriage advice. He sounds like he might be emotionally abusive. If so, I’d like to recommend; Natalie Hoffmans site. And you might locate a podcast she had with Sheila on this site. She delves into the emotionally abusive marriage and offers a lot of on line support.
It really is a very immature view of manhood, yes.
yesterday, i found something long lost. i have been in counseling most of my life – Christian counseling – trying to figure out why i people please, i own everyone else’s sins, my marriage is not happy and thriving, i will avoid touch like a plague, and why i “check out” when someone raises their voice to me. a year ago, my body first, my doctor second said, “there are parts of you dying and have been telling you for a while but you won’t listen. the cause of your debilitating physical symptoms will be the end of you if you do not change things in your life.” i started with what i knew – i started Christian counseling again. after 3 months of it, i was still to blame – for everything. even the 2 successful EMDR visits turned into an attack – i was told after one success, “now, you know how to pray more effectively to God to help your husband change, make “people pleasing” your ministry, and embrace the challenge of being touched at least 5 times a day.” i walked away from that counseling believing two things: 1) Christian counseling by-products are too hard to achieve, and 2) i am the problem. from there i went into a downward spiral, my body rejecting anything i ate or even didn’t eat, the migraines intensified, and removing myself from life meant the pain would finally end. i don’t even remember what prompted me to try, for the last 9 months i have been in secular counseling learning all about “triggers,” childhood programming, bodies keeping scores, and the like. yesterday marked 9 months with this very special counselor and while my husband sat at my side, i was prompted with a question and honestly, i don’t remember it – what i DO remember is talking, the pain in my core flaring up and rising into my throat, and it just came out – my voice. i wasn’t questioning, i was setting boundaries. i wasn’t apologizing, i was stopping the ownership of everything that was not mine to own. i wasn’t making excuse, i was emphatically saying “don’t touch me until I’M ready.” it was like a five-minute discourse and while the pain burned in mt core, i could not stop. when i finally did stop – the pain still there until this ALL is deconstructed – my husband looked at me and said, “you found your voice…” and then proceeded to sob and cry like i have never seen him. everything felt different – his hug, the drive home, the greeting to my kids, the kisses from my little puppy. and in the first time in forever, Jesus wasn’t scary or disappointed in me, or reminding me that i was just a woman meant to serve. i cannot wait to see me on December 3, 2025!
How heartbreaking for you, but your story does have hope at the end. No doubt there are many who have walked that same path. I pray that they may all find their voices and healing.
Oh, wow! Isn’t that beautiful! I’m so glad you have your voice! I’m so glad that your husband welcomed it!
This. This right here deserves a dance party 🥳🎉 💃 So glad you found your voice!!
I will rephrase JoR again. Yes, the same old (not so) merry go round.
Men are in charge. God says women serve men, men serve God.
Have sex with your husband no matter how much pain or sickness you feel at the moment.
If the husband does anything wrong, it’s always the wife’s fault for not praying/submitting enough.
No matter how much trauma or abuse you experience, divorce is NEVER an option.
There are more (the list goes on for a while), but those four are at the top of the list.
Pretty much, yes!
Isn’t this just plain evil. There’s nothing of the loving God of the Bible in all this sorry mess. Just pure evil manifesting in homes under the guise of marital duty. What a misrepresentation of the pure and holy love of Christ that ought to be reflected in marriages.
Also, that quote about the “ideal woman”? He basically wants a Playboy Bunny. (I don’t have Facebook but wanted to comment on the recent post somewhere).
Okay, Pastor Jimmy, since we’re clearly living in Teenage-Fantasy-Wish-Fulfillment-Land, let’s pretend that your groundbreaking work has a companion volume in which a woman gets to tell men the impossible standards THEY are expected to live up to, hmm?
“For a woman, the ideal man is someone who makes her feel like a badass b*. She wants a cheerleader to tell her how great she is, and also be ready to gaze soulfully into her eyes at any time. This ideal man sensuously meets her sexual needs, looks for the best in her at all times, and provides emotional sensitivity, patient understanding, and unconditional support of her dreams and aspirations. Also, he’s hot.”
How many copies will it sell, you think?
Yeah, one of the things we talk about in tomorrow’s podcast is how his idea of what women want is basically just “emotionally healthy relationships and emotionally healthy men.” Like that’s it.
He doesn’t realize that what he’s describing is just mature, emotional health, though. He puts “men’s” needs for a maid and for sex on par with her needs for honest, open communication, etc.
But then he admits that he actually feels better when he meets HER needs than when she meets his, meaning that AT SOME LEVEL he realizes she’s more mature than he is and more on the right track. But then that throws out his whole idea of “his needs” and “her needs” and he can’t have that, so he doesn’t take it to its logical conclusion.
“his idea of what women want is basically just “emotionally healthy relationships and emotionally healthy men.” Like that’s it.”
Uh, yeah?? Interesting he would acknowledge that about “her needs,” yet not be able to accept that emotional connection is a UNIVERSAL human need, not a gendered one! I’d say the real pastoral question is not “how can God language be leveraged to get women to give men more sex, adoration and domestic labor?” It’s “Why do men seem not to value emotional and relational health as much as women do, and what should be done about that?”
That’s EXACTLY the issue, and we talk about it in this week’s podcast. Why is it that men, even men who teach in Christian circles, don’t recognize that emotional health is important, and isn’t a female trait?
Also, we need a book full of egregious examples of Christian wives behaving badly and hypocritically (going to church on Sunday, but then staying out all night at the casino, getting pregnant by another man, physically and verbally abusing her husband and children, being addicted to prescription drugs, basically taking her husband for granted and treating him like trash but still expecting him to serve her whenever she’s inclined to) and a husband successfully “loving and praying her” her back to Jesus. Or, even better, she doesn’t change, but the husband accepts that God is refining him through his difficult marriage and chooses to focus on his own sin and how his own offenses against God are so much worse than his wife’s offenses against him. 🤢🤢🤢
Yep! You never hear it that way, do you?
Isn’t this the book of Hosea? lol
I’m sorry um READER’S DIGEST????? That’s………about as credible of a source as my cat! How on earth do people who do this get into positions of authority…
This keeps me up at night!
Right! Reader’s Digest is something people read when they go to the bathroom.
I love Bare Marriage, even as a single, divorced domestic abuse survivor I have found you guys so helpful. What statistics are you referring to about stepparents and abuse? Please be super careful with these kind of comments, post separation abuse is real and my ex has also mentioned these sort of things and will use this kind of information to control my future relationships and try to portray me as an unfit mother.
I understand how difficult this must be for you, and I’m so sorry. It is, however, true that children are at elevated risk ON THE WHOLE with step parents than with biological parents. Many, many studies show this. This doesn’t mean, however, that an individual stepparent is worse than your ex-husband. It just means that choosing a future husband is a very, very important thing, and you have to be really careful for the sake of your children.
Here’s just one large study, but there are so many more.
Here’s how an Australian organization sums it up:
“Family structure is among the most important risk factors for child sexual abuse. Children who live with two married biological parents are at low risk for abuse. The risk increases when children live with step-parents or a single parent. Children living without either parent (foster children) are 10 times more likely to be sexually abused than children that live with both biological parents. Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk: they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents (Sedlak et al., 2010).”
And even if the stats didn’t line up, it would still be a huge red flag that he dismisses complaints by children against a step-father and just assumes that the step-father’s story is true. Because even if the stats say that a particular person is UNLIKELY to abuse, it doesn’t mean they won’t!
Very good point!
I despise these “guarantees” that people like Jimmy hand out so casually, where they tell us that if we just do “…” then our marriages WILL turn around. Such. A. Lie. This is prosperity gospel crap, and if BOTH spouses aren’t willing to do what it takes to turn the marriage around, then IT WILL NOT WORK. EVER. So basically Jimmy cheated his wife, and now he’s cheating us. What a scam artist.
Yes, and Jimmy is caught up in prosperity gospel circles too.
Evans and Morris had a falling out back in 2021. Now Evans hangs around Ed Young (he of doing the deed on the rooftop of the church).