To tell you the truth, I don’t know a whole lot about erections.
Mostly because I’ve never had one. But I get a LOT of questions about them. And I’m really behind on all my reader questions, so I thought today I’d invite my husband Keith onto the podcast, because he’s a guy. And he’s a doctor (although he’d want me to add that he’s a pediatrician, so it’s not like he sees cases of erectile dysfunction!).
So today on the podcast, it’s all erections, all the time.
We tackled five reader questions about erections.
I threw Keith an easy pitch to start with, because the first question actually was a pediatric one–what do you do if your 4-year-old touches himself?
Then we had two questions about men who get erections frequently (how do you know what’s TOO frequent?), and two questions from women whose husbands either can’t keep an erection or who have delayed ejaculation.
That was a LOT to deal with.
Some of the posts that we mentioned in the podcast, if you’d like to read more:
Help! What do I do if my 8-year-old “masturbates”?
How do you handle a young child who masturbates?
12 Ways to Help Men Overcome Lust
Is Erectile Dysfunction Killing Your Husband’s Libido?
And here are some helpful tools we mentioned in the podcast for dealing with porn, or with helping prevent porn use in your kids/teens:
Two big takeaways from this podcast on erections
Two of the things Keith and I really want people to remember:
1. An erection is a physical reaction. That means that if it’s not working, you need to make sure there’s not a physical cause.
Now, porn is heavily implicated in many cases of erectile dysfunction, so perhaps, in your marriage, it could be just that. But for many men, a cause is not as obvious. If something is starting to go wrong, or especially if there’s been a big change in sexual performance, it’s likely a good idea to talk to a doctor. Sexual dysfunction can be an early warning sign of something else, and that shouldn’t be ignored. But there are also many things that are highly treatable. Don’t be afraid to seek out help!
10 Ways to Encourage Your Husband to See a Doctor
2. Everything is easier to deal with if you keep talking and laughing together
Things can go wrong with sex.
No, scratch that.
In any marriage, things WILL go wrong with sex at some point. Maybe sex doesn’t feel that great. Maybe you want to spice things up more. Maybe sexual dysfunction comes into play.
All of these things are easier to deal with if you’re regularly talking, spending time together, and laughing together. That keeps the tension level down so that it’s easier to talk about some of these more sensitive topics.
So keep talking! Keep your friendship alive. And if you’re having trouble talking about the sexual aspect of your relationship, try the 31 Days to Great Sex, which helps you have those conversations. It’s only $4.99 in ebook form!
Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?
31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Some miscellaneous tidbits:
That’s it for today! Congratulations to our two winners for 31 Days to Great Sex and our Sexy Dares. I give away prizes each podcast to someone new who signs up for my emails, and if you’re not on our list, join me!
Another bonus: When you’re on my emails, I’ll send you notifications if I’m ever going to speak near you. Last weekend I spoke in Utah (more on that soon, likely tomorrow), and a couple came up all the way from southern California to hear me because they got my email announcing I’d be near. So sign up!
And thank you to Dan of the Get Your Marriage On app who put the conference together. I had such a fun time meeting him and Emily, and I love his passion for turning marriage advice into something highly practical in an app.
Finally, if you’re a woman, have you filled out my sex & marriage survey yet? I really need you! We crossed 12,000 yesterday, and I’d love to get to 20,000 by Christmas. Can you help?
Now, what do you think? Have any questions about erections? Any comments? Let’s talk!
So I am not quite done listening but did want to chime in about the delayed ejaculation question. We had that problem when we got married (27 and 28 years old). The main factors were my husband’s past masturbation/porn use (really mostly masturbation was the issue because we had to relearn doing sex together/touch), my own early difficulties with tightness/pain in intercourse and him not wanting to hurt me, and the fact that we used condoms and that decreased stimulation and also meant we had to pause before starting intercourse so it made timing really weird. I wish we had started earlier focusing on arousal for both of us rather than intercourse, because I think things would generally have gone more smoothly, but after hanging in there and just getting more comfortable with each other, things really did smooth out after a few months. We did a lot of manual stimulation, just being together, it was really frustrating but it did get better!
It was difficult for me to maintain and perform when I was heavier, but since losing a fair amount of weight, things have improved.
Good podcast today! I just wanted to leave a note regarding what you said about being your husbands partner when he’s trying to change. You hit the nail on the head, because of betrayal trauma (it’s a real thing!) it can be super difficult when all roads lead back to the pain you experienced. Praying for your own healing emotionally is really important.
On that note, this song is a great one for every marriage that is walking the road back from betrayal to healing:
“Little Do You Know” by Alex and Sierra
https://youtu.be/GP4okspbfMM
Thank you Sheila and Keith for talking about this.
I highly recommend your readers take a look at this book. It’s written by a Urologist who specialises in men’s issues especially in that area.
Testosterone for Life: Recharge Your Vitality, Sex Drive, Muscle Mass, and Overall Health by Abraham Morgentaler, MD
He is an Associate Clinical Professor at Harvard Medical School with decades of experience. He writes in an easy conversational manner and has some great advice and really empowers the reader.
https://www.bookdepository.com/Testosterone-for-Life-Recharge-Your-Vitality-Sex-Drive-Muscle-Mass-Overall-Health-Abraham-Morgentaler/9780071494809?
Shelia,
I listened to this podcast previously and I remember that it was clear that at times you were not respecting your husband. Nor were you considerate of males and their experiences with erections. You interrupted your husband and did not let him lead. You also seemed to not fully understand erections, even though you have obviously spent a lot of time studying sex. I point out that your husband should have a better understanding of them than you do because he is a male and also because he is a doctor. Although you said that in the podcast, you did not respect him the entire time through the podcast and again you were not considerate of males and their experiences with erections. I point that out because to me it seems that you would have an easy time respecting him in this area (the topic of erections). It is in no way acceptable for a woman to not respect her husband.
I pray in the name of Christ Jesus our Lord that God’s blessing is over this website, that He will use it for his good purpose according to His will, or that this website is permanently removed from the internet. Thanks be to God for the gift of life. May His blessing be over all of us who call upon the name of Christ Jesus, including blessing over the sex lives of those who are married that call upon the name of Christ Jesus. Amen.
Thank you for this comment, Bradley, because sometimes people don’t believe me when i say that there are men like you out there who are so disrespectful of women, and that we do have a problem in the church.
To any woman reading this: if you are married to a man like this, this is not healthy. Please seek a licensed counselor, and learn how you do have worth. If you are going to a church where they are more concerned with whether your husband is leading you than anything else, please seek a new church.
Let’s focus on Jesus, people. And if anyone thinks a simple back-and-forth between two married people is disrespectful, where we’re both laughing and having fun, then that person probably doesn’t know what a happy marriage is like.
Bradley, wouldn’t you prefer Shelia to respect her husband instead of you? Her husband LOVES the way they interact with each other! Keith explicitly states in multiple podcasts that he doesn’t want Shelia to “let him lead” but that he loves being partners. Why should a wife honor a stranger on the internet rather then her own husband?
I’m guessing you have better things to do then policing the marriages of strangers. I bet you could find something to clean if you looked.
Great podcast.
I want to point out that getting upset when your spouse uses porn isn’t getting in a tizzy. Betrayal trauma is real, legitimate trauma. Taking it personally or not isn’t always a choice when you are still in the midst of recovery yourself from the trauma of being betrayed.