When I give my Girl Talk in churches, I always share this one best sex tip I’m going to give you today.
Of course, I ease in to it. I don’t say it right off the bat, because people would likely have a heart attack that someone is talking about that in a church! But by the second half of the night people are really relaxed and laughing, and I often am told that they are so grateful I said it.
It’s in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, too, and I’ve had people thank me for putting it in there!
But while I’ve shared it briefly before in some posts with other sex tips, I don’t think I’ve ever stressed it enough.
So here we go.
Are you ready for the best sex tip I’ve ever shared?
It’s a simple one.
When you’re making love, squeeze your butt.
Seriously. Hear me out.
This is the thing about female anatomy: there aren’t actually that many nerve endings in the vagina. The clitoris, on the other hand, which is that tiny knob just in front of the vaginal opening, has TONS of nerve endings and was designed to make us feel good. But it seems to be in the wrong place, if you know what I mean. So many of us may be feeling great during foreplay, but then as soon as we start intercourse we lose all that momentum, because we’re not getting enough stimulation THERE.
However, there is another spot an inch and a half up the vaginal wall called the “G spot” which also has a lot of nerves. Some researchers believe it’s just an extension of the clitoris, and they’re the same nerve pathways.
But regardless, here’s why squeezing your butt matters.
First, if you do it, you get the muscles engaged and the blood flow starts to go right to the right spot.
Try it right now. (whenever I talk about this in my show I just know what every woman there is squeezing her butt!)
But second, you lift up your hips and so the angle is better for HIM to stimulate the right spot during intercourse.
I’ve had some people say that you just need to put a pillow under your butt during sex to get the right angle, but I disagree. A pillow lifts you, but it doesn’t TILT you. What you need is to be tilted. And a pillow doesn’t engage the muscles.
When you’re super excited, right near climax, your body does this anyway.
Do it earlier, and you’re more likely to reach that excited state.
Now, this works more easily for the missionary position, but it doesn’t mean it CAN’T work for other positions.
The trick is just to get comfortable with that other position first, sort of “settle in”, so to speak, and THEN engage those muscles. And you will tend to find that the excitement builds.
So there you go! It’s a short post today, but it’s a sex tip that may make a huge difference in your life! Just try it–and see what happens. 🙂
You say the clitoris seems to be in the wrong place. Why would God design it that way? Doesn’t it seem like He make a mistake? But since He can’t make mistakes, then why aren’t the nerve endings where the penis would activate them? Why do so many women need to manually stimulate their clitoris during intercourse to feel more pleasure? Isn’t this troubling?
I don’t see it as troubling. Women engage emotionally for arousal. Maybe our lady bits are designed to get us excited BEFORE sex, so we have momentum going in. It also forces men to slow down a little and enjoy us before getting to finish.
I don’t know, Tom, I think there’s a reason behind it. Let’s say that we were both equally aroused SIMPLY by intercourse. Then there’s be no need for cuddling, for caressing, for affection. It would simply be “let’s get right to the deed!” The way we were made means that men have to study their wives to figure out how they work. It isn’t automatic. And women have to learn to relax. So I think there’s a method behind it!
Ok Sheila. That makes sense. But it seems hurtful to me when the woman needs to do something in addition to the intercourse in order to climax.
If that hurts YOU, imagine how bad it hurts HER. Especially if she can’t orgasm at all! Womens’ bodies just work differently than mens’. Neither is bad, and neither is better. Just different!
You mean how it hurts her emotionally, right? Ok – yes – I see your point. She doesn’t want her man to feel he’s not a good lover. Plus she wants to enjoy it too and climax, and can’t. You’re right – that would hurt emotionally even more.
Why would it be “hurtful” for you to have to spend more time focusing on your wife’s pleasure, or figure out a way to make sure she is stimulated during intercourse? I see the clitoris as God’s way of encouraging husbands to slow down, focus on their wives, and not just thrust away while getting annoyed that she can’t just have an orgasm the same way he can.
“The way we were made means that men have to study their wives to figure out how they work.”
I fail to see how that study requirement is a benefit.
Do you have any instances where women have to study their husbands to figure out how they work?
I’m not Shelia but I can give an example.
I have studied my husband to learn what appeals to him, both visually and sensually. Women are MUCH less visual than men. I certainly don’t want my husband to be a slob and I love it when he looks nice. But him showing some skin does nothing for me, in the arousal arena.
In my years of being married to him I’ve learned what he really likes. To the point that he bought a shirt for me to wear on a date — and I had already bought the same shirt earlier in the day. I don’t wear anything I don’t like. But I go out of my way to wear things that I know he’ll like. And he loves that.
It took me awhile to figure out just how visual he is. Because it’s really foreign to many women.
“It took me awhile to figure out just how visual he is.”
It is good that you did this, although I would have thought it was quite obvious, and, looking at how women often dress, I had supposed that most women already know this.
Do you think most women bother to study their men as well as you have?
So what do you do if your husband can’t take direction in bed? And no amount of gentle encouragement helps? Your clitoris might as well be in the other room and your sex life sucks so much that marriage starts to feel pointless (unless you want kids). I finally understand the Shaker religious cults. Those women probably had such lousy lovers as husbands that they formed a whole new cult to avoid sex altogether. Sad.
My husband had lots of sex partners before we were married and I think that he mistakes what may have worked for them (or maybe they were faking it out of insecurity) for what would automatically work for me even though I don’t respond and ask for something else. I have asked him to try and flush all of that and approach me instead with ignorance to get him to learn from what does and doesn’t work for me. He got offended and said I take too long. I know for a fact that it takes only 6 minutes if done properly. But his pride only results in less interest in sex for me. If I had any idea that sex was this continually bad with no hope for improvement, I would have converted to Catholicism and entered a convent.
Lesson learned: if a man shows difficulty in accepting direction in work or life, he will likely never accept direction in bed and sets himself and his unfortunate wife up for colossal disappoinment of EPIC proportions.
I’m so sorry! I can imagine that you really are frustrated.
I think you picked up on something important, though: your husband did have other sexual partners. And often when we have sex without being married the focus is totally different. It’s not on pleasing someone else; it’s on you feeling good. And because the girl is insecure in the relationship, she often doesn’t care if she feels good or not to the same extent because the point is to further the relationship. So he gets used to thinking that sex is him doing what he wants, and doesn’t learn to think of someone else.
I did write 31 Days to Great Sex to help couples start to communicate about this. Some of the exercises might help him see what you really need. Maybe if you tried that? It’s quite inexpensive, and it would be better to try that than to just give up, when this is so important. Again, I’m so sorry.
I would like to add that this whole experience has made me very angry at the church as a whole for building up sex as this great thing that is worth waiting for. This is all I ever heard from youth pastors growing up. I don’t think it’s worth doing at all. I never expected fireworks right out of the gate, but it should not be a total drag 5 years in. Between all the locker room conversation and comments I’ve heard from single and married women all my life, I only know one woman who actually has a good sex life, and her husband used to be gay. I don’t know what that says about all the straight guys out there, but it does indicate that most women are very unsatisfied. I have read about 8 books on marriage and sex by Christian and secular authors but none of that helps if your husband won’t work with you. It can’t be all one sided all the time.
I think one of the next courses I’ll make is on how to bring a woman pleasure–and we’ll direct it at husbands, too. So sad that so many men don’t get this! And I totally know you’re not alone.
I have struggled with the same thing in my marriage. He gets frustrated and mad if I don’t like something. Although I think he started our marriage with the best intentions, he’s brought his past with him in our bedroom. Unrealistic ideas about what women want and thinks I am “different than every other woman”. I don’t like oral sex much but he does and wants it every time.
Sex to him is a physical activity and I don’t think we’ve reached another “level ” on our relationship. In his mind it’s for the man, and if it feels good to him it should feel good to me. I understand where you are coming from girl. I’m so sorry. Know you are not alone.
Is he willing to see a counselor with you?
I hope my husbsnd and I can resolve this issue and it will result in a better deeper relationship.
I hope the same for you. I don’t think it’s hopeless.
We did 6 months of premarital counseling and have been in marriage counseling for 5 months with almost no improvement and we haven’t talked about sex yet because we are still working on his fast temper. Not that I don’t have my issues, but the difference is that I have made a tremendous concerted effort for over 20 years to deal with my own issues so I wouldn’t bring them into our marriage. It is now clear to me that he has some baggage that existed long before I arrived on the scene and he has to first admit it and deal with them. And I have no control over that. I have been praying about all these things during our entire marriage because he becomes hostile when I bring them up and that shuts me down. I have recently been seeing a different counselor alone who believes my husband is somewhere on the scale of a narcissistic personality which apparently is considered abusive. Now I have some new decisions to make.
I really hope your scenario is more recoverable.
I agree! My husband is 10+ yrs older and many women before me. I married my high school bf and it ended quickly in devorice.
My husband now was amazing the 1st 6 months. After that it’s next to nothing or wam bam, he says I’m amazing and he is happy.
To me it has been emotionally abusive and it physical hurts, too! I have read everything, studied him, asked what he wants, and suggested we explore and find what works for the both of us.
He is so happy, he doesn’t need sex he says. How does this work???
I married to have a sex life… I should have joined the colt and became a Nun.
Honestly! I know he wants his cake and eat it, too!
I’m not dumb.
I’ll be married 40 years the 6th. My husband was my best friend before we started dating. I was molested as a child and raped at the age of 16. The rape was from a guy I was dating. I didn’t think I would ever date again until my now husband came back into my life. He literally saved my life. We did have sex before marriage and it was from love, not lust. We still have a great sex life. Never think it all women have bad sex lives because they don’t. Maybe your husband is to stubborn to try. Maybe you need to tell him no more if he can’t please you too. We all need good love. I know I was a lucky one to have such a good husband and in more than just the bedroom. He has always been a hard worker, helps me around the house and is a wonderful dad and granddad. I wish you the best.
I see it as troubling in a theological sense only if you think this world is still the way God created it. Maybe Eve’s clitoris was perfectly placed for orgasm through intercourse alone. Maybe Adam’s erection was the perfect size and angle to stimulate her. But in this fallen world, nothing is exactly the way God created it.
The mercy and grace of God show through the fact that He still uses sex to closely bind a husband and wife together. We can’t really imagine what pre-Fall sex was like between Adam and Eve, but when we see a husband and wife sexually uniting in humble service to, and ecstatic enjoyment of each other, it’s so amazing that we are probably tasting a bit of Eden.
I don’t think it’s in the wrong place at all. Imagine what giving birth would be like if the clitoris was where it would get stimulated by intercourse.
OH MY GOSH. I never thought of that! GREAT point! 🙂
Ding Ding Ding….Anna wins the internet for smartest comment. Makes complete and logical sense to me.
I’ve heard it said that if a man wasn’t circumcised, especially in the American way that it would be much more satisfying for a woman, perhaps without this need for extra stimulation. You know, as God had planned, having a bit more skin down there that allows a more complete stimulation, right? But, unfortunately (fortunately?) I am in a monogamous relationship and cannot tell you this from experience.
It’s only troubling if you consider intercourse to be “THE” sex act and everything else as icing. If sex is just about the man, it’s probably intercourse and it’s over pretty quickly. If it’s about both the man and woman, there’s a LOT more to a sexual encounter than intercourse and it’s going to last a LOT longer.
I’ve read in more than one place that men have a much bigger “sexual playground” than women, meaning that men take pleasure in a larger variety of sexual positions and are eager to try lots of ways to reach climax. However, I disagree that a man’s sexual world is bigger than a woman’s. They’re just different. And where they overlap is relatively small. But the overlap is what most men and society consider to be a woman’s sexuality. There is so much more to a woman’s sexuality than intercourse and climax. Think outside your box and try going in her box once in awhile and then you may see the beauty of why God designed women’s bodies the way he did.
Ok. I definitely want to go inside her box (pun unintended) and do things she likes. Can you give me some examples please? Are you talking about something other than foreplay? Thanks.
I suggest starting by asking her to share with you her idea of a perfect sexual encounter with you.
And it may take awhile for her to really process that idea if she’s lost touch with her sexuality. Or if she doesn’t feel completely safe, yet.
Thank you Lisa.
Well said, Lisa!
It took me a long time to unlearn up the idea that intercourse and orgasm are the main point of sex. What I finally did learn is that sex, like conversation and other forms of communication, is primarily about connecting with my wife. Everyone says men are primarily visual. I would expand that to men are primarily sensual. I want to experience my wife with all my senses, and I want us to be closer after sex than before it. That means that intercourse, while extremely important to us, is just part of the picture.
We have never experienced simultaneous orgasm, and I don’t recall her ever climaxing through intercourse. I’m actually glad, because I get to fully enjoy her pleasure, and I am overwhelmed every time by the privilege of getting to be the man who gives her that pleasure. However God may have made Eve, he made my wife the unique and wonderful woman she is. What some may consider a “defect” in anatomy, I consider a blessing, because I get to explore and enjoy her body and give her pleasure, without focusing on my pleasure. What a treat!
Your response made me tear up. What a lucky wife to have a husband who loves her just the way she is. ?
I agree! Beautifully expressed!
Thank you, but any credit goes to God. I came into marriage 36years ago with a very warped view of sex. No help from my dad, certainly no help from the church.
And I’m so glad to see blogs like this and others that are very sex positive, including how to make yourselves and each other receive pleasure. The only caution I would put out, not for the bloggers but from what I see in some readers’ posts, that the focus can turn from the connection and communication to the physical sensations.
Sex can feel fantastic to our bodies, and I bless God for making it so. But if it doesn’t bring us closer to our spouses, we are doing something wrong.
Before marriage, I had a promiscuous past. After marriage, I still had too much of a focus on physical pleasure, hers and mine. I missed the essence, which is connection.
We have been in a bit of a sexual fast for health reasons. She “helped me out” manually the other night, and while it felt good, relaxed me, and helped me to sleep, I sure missed the connection. It’s almost like eating empty calories. Quick fill up, but it doesn’t last. The fast is almost over, and I can hardly wait!
What a gentleman… a gentle lover to your wife… all husbands should be like this wonderful man.
I’m sincerely curious: Do you think a well-timed Kegel would have the same effect?
I’ve done kegels while having sex with my hubby for years. For me, it’s a very mild stimulus. I tend to use them when he’s getting close to climax but I’m just not quite there. It allows him to stop while keeping at least a bit of stimulation for me. I haven’t tried squeezing my butt…adding that to tonight’s to do list. 🙂
The combination works well! 🙂
I hold a kegel continuously unless I don’t want to climax/know I can’t climax.
Love this tip Sheila! I’m sharing the post with my readers today. You are spot on.
It appears to me, from the husband’s side, that squeezing all the lower abdominal muscles is helpful: butt, pelvis, stomach, even thighs. Yes or no?
Linked to your post here.
I believe it’s best to learn yourself first. Know what pleases you and gets you hot. Then, LEARN YOUR PARTNER! Ask questions (not necessarily during the act, yet there are sexy ways of doing that), explore, get a feel for their reactions (body, sounds, etc). Then, you can adapt your most pleasurable proclivities (lol) to your partners and find a wonderful sexual harmony! My2cents
this one just cracked me…kikiki…crazy Sheila!…yes crazy but it works right!
i was taught this tip during my pre-marital counselling and i make sure i pass it on!
My husband and I just tried this tip and it works!!! Best tip that I have received in a long time. My husband even noticed the difference than our usual. Thank you!!
I feel so funny reading some comments from men. Ain’t this suppose to be for woman only? This is a conversation that I would never have with one of the brothers from church. So guys, go away give us some space. On another note sisters remember that sex cannot be selfish is for both to enjoy. So communication is the key. My husband and I talk (when it comes to sex) about everything. His body is mine and my body is his. So I don’t have no problem in telling him where to touch or if I like it or not. Well I guess being married 28yrs will do it. Men, need to learn and I’m glad mine gets it, not to be selfish. My husband will not come till I do and believe me sometimes it takes me awhile but he won’t stop till he helps me arrive. Once I do then he lets go. Is about the other satisfying one another and not being selfish. Love my hubby!!