10 Tips on Getting Used to Sex Once You’re Married!

by | Jun 27, 2017 | Making Sex Feel Good, Sex | 7 comments

How do you adjust to having sex once you’re married–especially if you decided to wait until marriage to have sex?

I know I didn’t make that transition well! And so when a newlywed blogger asked to write this post for me, I thought it would be awesome!

Now, if you’re newly married and sex is going amazingly well, you may not need this. But for those of you who have had some difficulties, I thought it would be great for you to know that you’re not alone. So, for Top 10 Tuesday, here’s Emily from the My Beloved Blog to help us figure out this adjusting to sex stuff:

Adjusting to Sex in Marriage: Getting used to something that isn't automatic!


Growing up in church, we talked about sex… a lot. It was never good things, though. I didn’t put two and two together until after high school and once I figured out what sex actually was, I was left with a lot of misconceptions and wrong ideas. I honestly believed condoms were pads for men! Yes, I was that naive.

Last year, I got married. Hooray! I finally felt like I had an idea on what to expect when it came to sex… and then I actually started having sex and realized it was a little more involved than I had originally thought. So, here are my:

10 Things I’ve Learned: Getting Used to “Gettin’ It On..”

1. Use Lube.

Seriously, if you want to enjoy having sex and want even more sensation, use LUBE. Some kinds of lube may irritate you though, so experiment and find the type you like best.

2. Laugh.

And laugh some more. Some of our most memorable moments, sexual or not, are ingrained into my mind solely because of laughter. For instance, the first time hubs kissed me (which was both of our first kisses), he grunted, “HEY!” smashed into my face, yawned and left my car without looking back! I was left with a bloody lip and a whole lot of questions. I jokingly added a helmet to our wedding registry, just in case.

3. We have sex issues, and it’s okay.

You will most likely experience some sort of sexual issue at some point in your marriage. For us, it was right from the start. Hubs struggled with erectile dysfunction due to some health problems. A lot of factors go into why a man struggles with ED. I thought it was only an issue in old men, that isn’t the case.

My biggest issue was the birth control method I chose. Because I didn’t know the effects hormonal birth control would have on me, I chose the non-hormonal copper IUD. From day one, I experienced excruciating pain and super-dryness down there (which is a very sad super power). I felt like I needed a lube toolbelt on hand just in case things got hot and heavy. Thankfully, I chose another form of contraception, so I don’t have those issues anymore.

Something I have had to work on is my expectations on sex, especially with our sexual hangups in mind. I can’t expect to have sex twice a day when we struggle with ED. When we were newlyweds, I would expect frequent sex and in turn, be frequently disappointed. ED is a hard issue to face for husbands- it’s emasculating and embarrassing. When I continually bring up the fact that I want sex or that I am not having enough sex, it put hubs in tough place. He wants nothing more for his body to work correctly and I have to constantly remind myself that he isn’t keeping sex from me to deprive of my needs.

4. Discouragement isn’t fun. Don’t let it set the tone for your sex life.

I was faced with a lot of discouragement right off the bat. We said our vows, moved to a brand-new city and everything seemed to just fall apart. I expected to have sex multiple times a week and after the honeymoon, it all changed. We would have sex for what seemed like hours and no one would orgasm (no one has to, though). Sex would just end with two exhausted, very disappointed sighs. I felt like I had a lifetime ahead of me of boring, ugly, unsatisfying sex. Sex definitely has a learning curve, you’re not going to be a pro at sex when you’re first starting out. My ideas on sex were on the opposite end of the spectrum from hubs. We have to come to agreements, even now, on how frequently we have sex.

Though rejection never feels good, I am learning to show grace. Sometimes no means, “not now.” Other times, when I’m ready to go but hubs’s body isn’t cooperating, I have to show grace. Sex may not happen the way I envisioned it, but I can still receive the intimacy I yearn for, in different ways.

5. Try new things.

Try all the things. Find new positions, get frisky in new places, turn on some music. The options are endless when it comes to sex with your spouse. I am a huge believer that if the two of you are consenting adults, go nuts. Obviously, we want to stick within Biblical guidelines, but other than that, have fun.

Also, A LOT of women (like 75% of us) can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation. If you are the lucky 25% that can orgasm through penetration, props to you. But, if you’re like me, don’t feel bad (or let hubs feel bad) that you can’t orgasm through penetration! A fun trick I have learned is to guide hubs’s hands or mouth to places I want to be kissed and touched. Hubs is happy to go anywhere I enjoy 🙂

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

6. Buy a big bed.

This one is just practical advice. Hubs and I moved to our new home after the honeymoon and had completely forgotten to purchase a bed. Like, it didn’t even cross our minds. Our solution for 5 weeks was to smash his 50-year-old twin bed next to the couch. I don’t recommend that. Buy a bed and use your own blankets- just try it and thank me later…

7. Don’t be embarrassed.

Don’t be embarrassed about the sounds you’re going to make. Bodies squeak and squelch and air gets trapped in places it shouldn’t be. Embrace your body. I am a plus sized woman and realize that I don’t have the body of a model. That doesn’t stop hubs from loving every inch of me. One way I have embraced my body is by making a list of my favorite physical features. In turn, I had hubs do the same thing. Hubs’s list was longer than mine ;). Now whenever I look in the mirror or dress up for date night, I focus on the features he loves most about me.

8. Adjust to your libidos.

I am the high drive spouse. This has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned this past year. I didn’t even know it was possible to have a higher drive than a man. Everyone told me that I would need to just “give in” whenever hubs wanted sex- it’d make my life easier. Because of all these conversations I had about horn-dog husbands, I had a hard time grasping the concept that to hubs, sex seemed as boring as watching paint dry. I felt like a freak because I wanted sex all the time and would be rejected.

Being rejected is hard, but I’ve come to learn that his “no” means not now. Sometimes I want to jump him in the middle of a football game but I’m learning that that’s not the most opportune time. Other times, he realizes his plans aren’t always going to go the way he wrote them down, so there is give and take from both sides.

9. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

The worst place possible to talk about sex is in the bedroom, especially after sex. We’ve had our share of issues that we need to flesh out and for us, it has been a lot easier to talk about them once the heat (or disappointment) of the moment is over. Write things out and put them somewhere so you can both see it. Maybe we have goals for the week or certain plans that may interfere with an evening I want to plan for sex. Knowing things ahead of time help prepare me so I am not as easily let down when my spontaneity strikes.

10. A helpful tip from dad.

Lastly, here’s some playful advice from my father. Before we were married, my dad and stepmom came to Colorado to visit. They sat down with us and shared their advice for us about marriage. My stepmom wasn’t even halfway through her talk about finances when my father proudly interrupted with this chunk of advice, “If you gotta grab a boob, grab a boob. If you gotta grab a butt, grab a butt.”

By no means do I have this sex thing figured out. We’ve only been married for a year- a very crazy, hard, but special year. Sex takes time, communication and a lot of practice 😉 Oh, and don’t forget to pee after!

E is a midwest girl sweating in the South with her hubs of one year and cat. She’s a musician and singer and enjoys making people laugh. When she’s not writing about things that make her mother blush, she volunteers at church and plays board games with her hot hubbers. She blogs at My Beloved.

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire


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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. Bethany

    This is a great article and reminds me a lot of my own experience. Five years in (in just a week!) things have gotten so much better and I think they will get even better still. Thank you for sharing your experience so openly and with such good humor.

  2. Tom Hillson

    Nice article.

    I wonder if women would want sex a lot more if most of them could climax with intercourse. As a guy not happy that women generally care about sex less than men, I wish it were so.

    “Rejection is hard” – perhaps no truer words were spoken. At the risk of sounding happy for someone else’s misery, I’m glad that at least some women can feel the pain of what most men experience, so that they can have compassion and empathy.

  3. Ngina Otiende

    I adore this post! Thank you for sharing with us, Emily! I was nodding and smiling all through as a I read it! So now I feel better about almost passing out when the hubs kissed me for the first time…cos I held my breath. Had no idea I could breath and kiss at the same time. Hehe. But I learned fast!

    Thank you. I know this is going to help so many newlyweds!

  4. Bethadilly

    This is so true. I was also the higher drive gal who married a super sweet, easy going, laid back guy who was working a stressful job that dampened his already sweet easy going drive. I spent the first year of our marriage crying and stressing that something was wrong with ME bevatse I tonight newlyweds were supposed to have sex 4,5,6,7,8, etc times a week instead of working hard to get in one to two sessions a week. And I never imagined my husband would tell me no. My whole life I expected and was taught that I’d be marrying a ravenous horndog beast who would always be asking for it. It was a shock to find out sex is not the primary way my man feels loved. I honestly thought I’d married a complete weirdo at first, due to stereotypical Christian sex teachings.

    But things got easier and sweeter and sex is oh so so so very good even if it still isn’t a daily party like I expected. My husband is a JOY who adores sex in his own quiet way and who will refuse to make love if there isn’t time for me to enjoy it as well, and who gets distressed at the idea of me just “giving him” sex like I’d been taught. After a lot of love, grace and communication, it’s now an awesome experience that is out of this world experience every time that I wouldn’t trade for anything, even if we aren’t the newlyweds horndogs I thought we’d be. We both have grown and we both have found that nurturing our relationship outside the bedroom is just as important as inside, which really took a load off of us when the bedroom was slow or my poor hubby would fall asleep before the party started, lol.

  5. Ivan

    Good post, I couldn’t agree more. Speaking from experience, I’ve discovered the importance of massages (both given and received) . They can be a great foreplay or simply another way to be intimate with your partner and diversify things in the bedroom. Plus you get that feeling of exploring your spouse’s body in ways that you couldn’t have thought possible. You can make them relaxing, uplifting and even fun ..
    Creativity is key!

  6. Ambrose

    I and my wife still laugh over our naivety during our first sex. It was really funny that I the man did not know what to do!

  7. Amy

    Another really big point you didn’t address is this cultural need to run off to a honeymoon destination a day or two after your wedding ceremony. It’s a stupid idea that needs to be thrown out the window. Unless your idea is to go do a remote cabin in the woods or beach where you can be totally alone with no busy schedules and can totally relax. Otherwise your setting your sex life up for some tough times. I know as we were naive and went camping/backpacking through Europe 3 days after our wedding. Well, no one told us that was a dumb idea. We were exhausted all the time. Europeans came right next to each other so there is no privacy. You have jet lag to recover from not to mention cultural and language barriers. Now after being married for a year, that might have been a great trip but for us, it set us up for some really bad habits that affected our sexual relationship for many years.

    And another great thing I advise is to buy a Christian book on sex if you are a young virgin couple and read it together. It’s a great way to learn about sex, pleasure and your spouses bodies.


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