Top 10 Reasons Sex Gets Boring

by | Jul 11, 2017 | Libido | 25 comments

10 Reasons Sex Gets Boring in Your Marriage!
Merchandise is Here!

Has your sex life gotten boring? Help is here!

We’re in our second week of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and today I want to help those of you who feel like sex isn’t sizzling whatsoever.

And that is sad–because sex is meant to be awesome! It’s explosive. It should be super pleasurable. It helps you relax and sleep better and feel closer to your spouse, sure. But it also is just plain exciting!

Except when it’s not. 

Today I want to give you ten reasons today that sex can get boring, and then point you to some extra help for each of these reasons! And one tip: as you read this list, look for the one that resonates most with you (even if all ten are true, look for the one that says, BINGO! the loudest).

10 Reasons Sex Gets Boring in Your Marriage--and what you can do to make sex sizzle again!

1. We never learn new techniques or try new things.

When our family went on a Kenyan safari, we were beyond giddy with excitement when we saw our first giraffe in the wild. It was the coolest thing! The legs came up past the roof of our jeep. By the afternoon we were bored of giraffes. They were everywhere. What we really wanted were some lions!

Even amazing things can get boring if there’s never any variety. If you always have sex the same way, and do the same things, it will seem boring, even if it still feels pleasurable. Here’s some help to make things more fun!

When we talk about sex getting boring, that’s usually what we focus on–we’re doing the same thing the same way all the time. And it is a big problem. But it’s not the ONLY reason sex loses its excitement. Here are 9 more!

2. We focus only on intercourse, and not on anything else

What makes sex stupendous is the passion which is fuelled by feeling intimate. But other things are actually more emotionally vulnerable and intimate than intercourse–like just touching each other or exploring each other. When one spouse is concentrating on pleasing the other, rather than both getting pleasure together, there’s a different dynamic. It’s far less “wham, bam, thank you ma’am”, and far more personal. And personal is rarely boring!

3. It was never that exciting to begin with.

Maybe the reason it’s boring now is because it was never much fun to begin with! You never figured out how to make it feel good, or you felt like it had to be done a certain way. And it can be embarrassing to try to get up the courage to ask for something different. That’s where 31 Days to Great Sex comes in. Because it’s a daily challenge, it’s not as vulnerable as saying, “what would you think if we tried this?” You don’t have to do anything–the book is the one that tells you do it! And there’s lots there to help you figure out how to make sex feel really great, in every way.

4. We get too comfortable and forget to try

Boring Couple: Sex gets boring when we stop trying.

If getting ready for bed consists of talking to him while he’s brushing his teeth and you’re sitting on the toilet peeing, after which you both throw on old raggedy T-shirts before you crawl into bed–well, perhaps it’s no wonder that sex has gotten boring. You’ve lost all mystery and you’ve forgotten to try!

5. We’re never spontaneous.

Every so often, passion should get the better of you! Yet often we may start kissing, and we may start feeling excited, but then we remember that dinner needs to be made or that we have to get ready to leave in half an hour. What would happen if, instead, we just let the feelings carry us away? We’d make great memories, that’s what! We’d have an inside joke. We’d feel just a little bit out of control. Sex doesn’t need to always be at the same time because it’s part of a schedule. It can be something that carries you away.

Are you looking to bring some excitement and spontaneity back into your sex life?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus!
DARE to take your sex life to the next level!

6. Only one person ever initiates

Even if sex is great, if the same person always starts, it’s going to feel, well, like a downer. Why? Because it’s always going to seem as if one person is doing the other a favour. And pity sex makes sex feel degrading. Even if you’re more than enthusiastic once it starts, if you never initiate, your spouse may feel like you’re not really into it. And that’s going to start to turn them off, so that they may stop trying, too.

7. We never share what we actually want

Maybe there’s something you’ve always wanted to try–but you’ve never gotten the courage to tell your spouse. Maybe you’d really rather be touched like THIS rather than like THAT, but your spouse doesn’t know that. And it’s been five years now. And you feel like if you say anything, it will be as if you’re criticizing the last five years! So you figure you’re stuck with this.

No wonder it’s boring!

8. We stop doing anything new OUTSIDE the bedroom.

Sex isn’t just physical. It reflects the whole relationship. And if your relationship is boring, and you’re always doing the same things that you’ve always done, sex is likely going to be boring, too. Want to feel more excited about sex? Have more fun together outside the bedroom! The more you laugh together and create memories, the closer you’ll feel–and that will ignite passion anew.

9. We stop talking.

Sex is intimate physically, yes. But it’s also intimate emotionally and spiritually. In fact, when we feel more emotionally vulnerable and emotionally close, libido grows and passion grows. When you feel like someone knows your heart, then you’ll want to share the rest of  you with them, too. But if you’re guarding your heart, then there’s a part of you they can’t touch. And that will mean you hold back sexually as well. So if you want sex to be more passionate, make sure you’re actually knowing each other on a heart-to-heart level!

10. We don’t make sex a priority

For women especially, sex requires two things: energy and a clear head. If we’ve got grocery shopping lists and worries about tomorrow running through our brains, then we won’t be able to get aroused. And if we’re tired, we definitely won’t want sex! So if sex is going to be great, it can’t come last on our priority list.

There you go! 10 reasons sex can get boring.

There’s nothing wrong with sex itself, you know. The problem is in how we approach it! And that’s good, because it means that we have the power to change things, too.

Now, the question is: what are you going to do about it?

Your Sizzling Challenge!

Choose the ONE most important reason that resonates you with most about why sex has gotten boring in your marriage.

Read the extra posts and commit to making change in this area.

If boring sex is a huge problem, I’d also recommend taking my Boost Your Libido course, which looks at all the reasons that women sometimes lose passion, with practical, step-by-step challenges that help bring you immediate results!

Find the other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge here!

What do you think? Has sex gotten boring in your marriage? Did I miss a reason? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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25 Comments

  1. FollwerOfChrist

    Great list. I have a good marriage, but intimacy is often a point of contention. What comes to mind is that some of these reasons are linked together. Sex has never been a priority for my wife. She enjoys herself, climaxes, and gets plenty of attention, but it just isn’t a priority. That has lead to a lack of initiating on my part. After a while one simply gives up. Being pushed aside hurts, so it is better to focus on other parts of our marriage.

    Reply
    • Tom Hillson

      I don’t understand how someone (like your wife) climaxes and yet sex isn’t a priority. Orgasm is the most intense and pleasurable physical experience in this life, is it not? Then how can it not be a priority for anyone who experiences orgasm when they have sex? It makes me think that there are some climaxes that are pretty weak. For guys though, even the worst one is out-of-this-world! 🙂

      Reply
      • FollwerOfChrist

        Reality is that men and women are, in general, different. It isn’t a criticism of either one. There are things about men I don’t believe women will ever understand, but the opposite is also true. It is part of what makes a marriage challenging, but also part of what makes it fulfilling.

        Reply
      • sunny-dee

        I think (very generally speaking) men and women place a different value on orgasm. For one thing, women orgasm a lot less than men, so sex doesn’t always (or even frequently) mean orgasm. Then there’s also the time, the ability to clear your head, the emotional vulnerability/effort. Good sex (for women) takes a lot of work, and even if there is *a* payoff, it may not be worth the effort.

        Totally random example, but there was a Family Feud question I saw asking women what they would replace their husband with, if they could. There was “younger man” on the list, but it was really low. The #1 answer — with, like, 80 people saying this — was a massage or spa day, and #2 was a nap. For the overwhelming number of women, they’re not desiring a mindblowing physical experience; they just want a break.

        Reply
        • FollwerOfChrist

          Well stated, Sunny-Dee. Great example of how men and women are different (again, generally speaking, not in every case).

          Reply
        • Tom Hillson

          sunny-dee, as a woman then, don’t you feel you’ve been shortchanged, since sex is harder and not as pleasurable as it is for men?

          Reply
          • sunny-dee

            @Tom, yes and no. I am about to generalize hard, here. If you look only at sex, then — yeah, guys have it way easier and probably, overall, sex is better and more fun if you’re a guy. On the other hand, if you look at intimacy or emotional connections more broadly, I think one reason why women place a lower premium on sex is that we tend to find (and desire) that feeling of connection in other ways, and some of those ways are easier and even more pleasurable than sex. With sex, you get an orgasm from a single person; if you’re looking for comfort, friendship, affirmation, (nonsexual) physical affection — women get that from TONS of places. Guys may have the peak of easy, frequent, and reliable orgasms, but women have a low-level, steady hum of intimacy and affection from a really wide variety of sources so we don’t need those peaks in the same way.

            So many disclaimers, again, about generalizing.

          • Anonymous

            Tom,
            I know your question was aimed at sunny-dee but it raised a question in my mind.
            If I may turn your question around also, with heavy generalizations in place.

            As a man, does it ever make you nervous that your sense of self, your confidence, and sense of masculinity, rely so heavily on your sexuality?

        • Anonymous

          sunny-dee,
          Thank you for both of your responses to Tom Hillson.
          Speaking as a woman, you couldn’t have been more expressive and/or accurate. Well done.

          Reply
          • FollwerOfChrist

            Anonymous, I would like to answer your question you asked to Tom. Yes, it absolutely makes me nervous that much of my self confidence comes out of the intimate relationship I have with my wife. I wish it were not so, but that appears to be the way God has made men. When there is regular sexual intimacy in my marriage, I can take on just about anything. When there is not, confidence in many areas outside the bedroom can be destroyed as well as satisfaction and confidence in my marriage. Sex is a powerful thing, going far beyond the physical activity.

        • Susan

          Well said.

          Reply
      • Anonymous

        It appears many men get confused when they have a wife who has very little desire for sex but can respond and climax when she does. The sex therapist, Sandra Pertot PhD. said in one of her books that, in women, sexual desire and sexual response are not tightly linked. Just because she can respond sexually doesn’t mean she desires to be sexual.

        Reply
        • Learning-man

          So true………….this is why men think that “no” means “yes”.

          Guys look at the physical response of the woman, not her words.

          Reply
      • Eliza

        Another factor is that, generally, women tend to be more aware of competing priorities and upcoming demands than men and more likely to put their own enjoyment farther down on the list of things to do. (At least, I find that to be true even of women who are otherwise not at all stereotypical.) So even if it’s quite easy and enjoyable, still a woman is less able to set aside that the dishes need done and the kids need new shoes and the report is due at work and . . . Enjoying herself doesn’t get anything *done*.

        I don’t know that it’s generally true that orgasm is more effort or necessarily less frequent for women, it’s certainly not universally true. And perhaps this observation isn’t either. But it’s certainly a factor for many.

        Reply
      • Anonymous

        Tom, speaking for this woman’s perspective – even if you always climax, if you don’t end up feeling emotionally connected sex (even good sex) makes some women feel more empty and distant. Feeling truly connected on a deeper level makes good sex great, and a lack of connection makes great sex *almost* worthless. If you have to spend the whole time disassociating in order to climax, the climax just simply isn’t worth that much anymore.

        Reply
        • Sheila Gregoire

          Yes, very true.

          Reply
  2. Dean

    I would like to add something that is in a way an extension of point 8: I think it is very helpful to sometimes do partly sexual things outside the bedroom.

    Reply
  3. Kassey

    Hi Shiela,

    Thank you for sharing this list to us. We are still on our initial part of marriage specifically the third year. I like learning a lot to improve our intimacy. The part that resonates to me the most is #7 We share what we actually want. I am actually doing this, and I can assure you the increase in my excitement level every time we do it.

    I will work on #1 To try to learn new things. I would love to explore new stuff to do together, but I don’t know why I feel so embarrassed to even search about new positions or whatsoever. I’m all for trying new and better things, but it’s a struggle for me on where to look for great info that doesn’t look too explicit.

    This list helps so much, and I will share it to my husband later so we can both reflect lol.

    Reply
    • sunny-dee

      I can’t remember if it was advertised here or a different blog, but there’s a book called the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra and the pictures of the positions are all sock monkeys. So, you can get a really good idea of what they’re doing… but it’s not explicit because sock monkey.

      Reply
      • Kassey

        Sunny-dee wow that’s really a clever way to demonstrate it. I would have to check it out.

        Well, thanks for the suggestion. It’s quite funny though to imagine sock monkeys lol. Now on to find that book.

        Reply
  4. E

    I think you are spot on Sunny-Dee with your comments, especially about women just wanting a break! I don’t think I know a woman who isn’t constantly ‘running on empty’, or where exhaustion isn’t a constant him in the background of her life. I think a lot of the time, men are actually ‘working’ harder than women, but women’s work is there all the time (obviously, I’m generalising BIG TIME here).

    Men seem to be better at a work/life balance, in that when they are having ‘downtime’, they are able to relax and just enjoy that time, on its own, with no distractions. Women, on the other hand, may have more ‘downtime’, but we are less relaxed during it, with a constant hum of all the things we ‘should’ be doing always at the back of our minds.

    For instance, right now, I am exhausted and have given myself an ‘easier’ day of homemaking. But while I am trying to take that time off, I am constantly aware of everything that I am not doing, that still needs to be done. And that in itself is exhausting! I think women really struggle to find this balance, especially if they are stay at home mums, as there is no real distinction between ‘work’ and ‘relax’ times, it all just blurs together, and the reality is that no matter how much work they do, there would always be something else that isn’t done, or that could be done better.

    Sorry for the ‘downer’ comment, I think it is just a symptom of my tiredness, which today seems to be worse than usual!

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      I think this is exactly right, E. And since women can’t enjoy sex unless they can concentrate fully, it’s really difficult because sometimes we just can’t get all of that out of our heads!

      Reply
  5. K

    Just read some of the info and comments but my comment comes from a different place. My 76 yr old mother lives with us and our 2 teens. My mom is ill and I’m her primary care giver 24/7. I am also a full-time college student, (married and had children early) and have most household responsibilities. I’m exhausted. When I get into bed, I either want to fall right to sleep, cry, or get lost in something else..husband thinks sex will relax me and take away my stress. He asks me almost every day. When we do, “do”, my bed is loud; a huge pet peeve of mine and only wants it at 11 PM.
    I love him and I know what the lack of sex does to him but I’m physically and emotionally spent most nights.. I really don’t know what to do.

    Reply
  6. Shawn Bennett

    When we do the same thing for thousands of times regularly at some point in time, we get bored from that habit. Sex is also that kind of habit, so we need to take very good care of our sexual life, otherwise, we are unable to take advantage and enjoy our sex life. Here this article describes some essential fact on how to enjoy our sex life without being bored. Thanks for such a wonderful article.

    Reply

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