The problem we often run into when sex isn’t working well is that many of us don’t know what’s normal and what’s not.
We don’t talk about this stuff in great detail, and so often when something doesn’t work, we assume one of two things: either that everyone is going through the same thing, so this isn’t really a problem that can be fixed; or we assume that no one is going through this, so there isn’t a solution because we’re the only one.
On the Wednesdays this month I’ve been talking about some practical tips to make your sex life better.
I’d like to end that series today by running a list of some of the sex problems that we’ve talked about before on the blog that you may have missed, just so that you know how to recognize such a problem if it crops up! We tend to all be aware of libido difference issues and porn problems, or problems that crop up when we have different ideas of what’s okay in the bedroom or not. But some problems, especially those around physical issues, seem to fly under the radar. Here are some of them:
1. Sex should take longer than two minutes
I still remember talking to a sweet woman at a marriage conference who was concerned that she had no libido. She just had no desire for sex! Married 24 years, she had given up hope, and was wondering how she could actually enjoy it. I threw a lot of ideas back and forth before she said something that floored me. He only lasted two minutes. And neither of them had any idea that this was not normal, and that you can seek help for this problem.
2. When your husband’s penis is sloped downward
The penis is supposed to point up when it’s erect–but what if it slopes downward? That’s an actual condition, and it’s called chordee. It can be a congenital birth defect, or it can be caused by trauma. It can be treated.
3. When sex is difficult because your husband’s belly gets in the way
What if your husband’s girth is preventing you from having a great sex life? Is there anything you can do about that? This is a hard one to talk about, and even in the comments we had people saying that we were fat-shaming. But sometimes his belly just plain gets in the way, and here I’m talking about strategies for dealing with that.
4. What if your husband’s penis is just really small?
Some of us find that intercourse doesn’t give a lot of stimulation because your husband’s penis is on the smaller side. Here’s a post with different positions and tips that can help increase sensation and make things feel tighter.
5. What if childbirth has left you feeling really loose and open?
Childbirth puts our bodies through a lot of trauma–and can stretch us in ways we didn’t think were possible. And sometimes that stretching leaves us feeling very “loose”, so that we lose some sensation. You can try the positions in the post above about a husband’s penis being small, but here I’ve also got some tips on how to handle being loose. And my big recommendation? See a pelvic floor physiotherapist!
6. What if sex seriously hurts?
7. What if you don’t like your breasts being touched?
There are some areas of our bodies that are supposed to be sexual–that are supposed to be major erogenous zones. But what if you hate being touched THERE (wherever it may be)? I tried to write a balanced post on that here, but then got called out by men demanding full access to everything, no matter how their wives feel. So I wrote a follow-up post on what happens when Christians make sex sound like it’s only for him.
But the original question is still an important one–what if you hate your breasts being touched?
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
8. What if you feel really sad, or anxious, or burst into tears right after an orgasm?
Orgasms are supposed to make us feel affectionate and happy and sleepy. But for some women they have the opposite effect: they throw her into a downward spiral of negative emotions. The medical term is post-coital dysphoria, and the common term is the post-sex blues. And it’s a real thing!
9. What if health problems make intercourse impossible?
Sometimes intercourse just isn’t in the cards because your body won’t cooperate. Chronic pain, erectile dysfunction, paralysis, prostate cancer, whatever it may be–health problems have gotten in the way. I’ve written about this a number of times on the blog, and I hope these posts help:
- Sexual options beyond intercourse
- Sex and Disability
- When health problems make intercourse impossible
10. What do you do when menopause starts to hit–and starts to affect us sexually?
Menopause messes with your hormone levels, and thus it’s going to affect libido. But it does more than that. It also affects blood flow to the genitals, and your ability to get aroused and lubricated. Here’s an overview of what to know about menopause, and here’s what to know about menopause and orgasm.
And now a bonus one!
Until now I’ve been talking about physical problems that some people don’t realize are quite common and can be fixed. But then there are a host of other kinds of sexual issues that you may not realize aren’t normal, but that do indicate that something may be wrong–especially with the way your spouse is approaching sexuality. Please see these 10 sex red flags, because many don’t realize that these are a sign that there’s something weird going on that should be addressed.
So there you go! Weird problems about sex that people don’t tend to talk about–but that a lot of people go through. So you are not alone! It’s okay to have problems with sex. Lots of people do. I hope that what I always do on this blog is to point you to some help, so that you don’t have to feel like it will be like this forever.
Let me know: Anything that I missed? Anything that I haven’t covered that you’d like to see covered? Let’s talk in the comments!