10 Weird Sex Problems No One Talks About

by | Jul 31, 2019 | Uncategorized | 27 comments

Weird Sex Problems that People don't Talk About

The problem we often run into when sex isn’t working well is that many of us don’t know what’s normal and what’s not.

We don’t talk about this stuff in great detail, and so often when something doesn’t work, we assume one of two things: either that everyone is going through the same thing, so this isn’t really a problem that can be fixed; or we assume that no one is going through this, so there isn’t a solution because we’re the only one.

On the Wednesdays this month I’ve been talking about some practical tips to make your sex life better.

I’d like to end that series today by running a list of some of the sex problems that we’ve talked about before on the blog that you may have missed, just so that you know how to recognize such a problem if it crops up! We tend to all be aware of libido difference issues and porn problems, or problems that crop up when we have different ideas of what’s okay in the bedroom or not. But some problems, especially those around physical issues, seem to fly under the radar. Here are some of them:

1. Sex should take longer than two minutes

 

I still remember talking to a sweet woman at a marriage conference who was concerned that she had no libido. She just had no desire for sex! Married 24 years, she had given up hope, and was wondering how she could actually enjoy it. I threw a lot of ideas back and forth before she said something that floored me. He only lasted two minutes. And neither of them had any idea that this was not normal, and that you can seek help for this problem.

2. When your husband’s penis is sloped downward

 

The penis is supposed to point up when it’s erect–but what if it slopes downward? That’s an actual condition, and it’s called chordee. It can be a congenital birth defect, or it can be caused by trauma. It can be treated.

3. When sex is difficult because your husband’s belly gets in the way

 

What if your husband’s girth is preventing you from having a great sex life? Is there anything you can do about that? This is a hard one to talk about, and even in the comments we had people saying that we were fat-shaming. But sometimes his belly just plain gets in the way, and here I’m talking about strategies for dealing with that.

4. What if your husband’s penis is just really small?

 

Some of us find that intercourse doesn’t give a lot of stimulation because your husband’s penis is on the smaller side. Here’s a post with different positions and tips that can help increase sensation and make things feel tighter.

5. What if childbirth has left  you feeling really loose and open?

 

Childbirth puts our bodies through a lot of trauma–and can stretch us in ways we didn’t think were possible. And sometimes that stretching leaves us feeling very “loose”, so that we lose some sensation. You can try the positions in the post above about a husband’s penis being small, but here I’ve also got some tips on how to handle being loose. And my big recommendation? See a pelvic floor physiotherapist!

 

6. What if sex seriously hurts?

 

For others of us, it’s not being loose that’s the problem. It’s being too tight! I’ve written a lot on the topic of vaginismus, and you can see those posts here. Again, I’d also recommend seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist.

There are some areas of our bodies that are supposed to be sexual–that are supposed to be major erogenous zones. But what if you hate being touched THERE (wherever it may be)? I tried to write a balanced post on that here, but then got called out by men demanding full access to everything, no matter how their wives feel. So I wrote a follow-up post on what happens when Christians make sex sound like it’s only for him.

But the original question is still an important one–what if you hate your breasts being touched?

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8. What if you feel really sad, or anxious, or burst into tears right after an orgasm?

 

Orgasms are supposed to make us feel affectionate and happy and sleepy. But for some women they have the opposite effect: they throw her into a downward spiral of negative emotions. The medical term is post-coital dysphoria, and the common term is the post-sex blues. And it’s a real thing!

9. What if health problems make intercourse impossible?

 

Sometimes intercourse just isn’t in the cards because your body won’t cooperate. Chronic pain, erectile dysfunction, paralysis, prostate cancer, whatever it may be–health problems have gotten in the way. I’ve written about this a number of times on the blog, and I hope these posts help:

 

10. What do you do when menopause starts to hit–and starts to affect us sexually?

 

Menopause messes with your hormone levels, and thus it’s going to affect libido. But it does more than that. It also affects blood flow to the genitals, and your ability to get aroused and lubricated. Here’s an overview of what to know about menopause, and here’s what to know about menopause and orgasm.

 

11. Other Sexual Red Flags

And now a bonus one!

Until now I’ve been talking about physical problems that some people don’t realize are quite common and can be fixed. But then there are a host of other kinds of sexual issues that you may not realize aren’t normal, but that do indicate that something may be wrong–especially with the way your spouse is approaching sexuality. Please see these 10 sex red flags, because many don’t realize that these are a sign that there’s something weird going on that should be addressed.

So there you go! Weird problems about sex that people don’t tend to talk about–but that a lot of people go through. So you are not alone! It’s okay to have problems with sex. Lots of people do. I hope that what I always do on this blog is to point you to some help, so that you don’t have to feel like it will be like this forever.

Let me know: Anything that I missed? Anything that I haven’t covered that you’d like to see covered? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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27 Comments

  1. Anonymous for this Question

    This may sound like a weird question, but here goes:

    What do you do when you have no problem climaxing, but find the only way to even start the arousal process is through “talking dirty” or role playing like sex is something that is happening TO me.

    I don’t think it’s always wrong to do this, but I also feel like I am missing the emotional connection that sex is supposed to bring. Like, it feels physically good, but emotionally empty.

    I don’t know how to change it though, because when I decide to not do it, I get frustrated because things don’t really go as well…sometimes the more I try the less into it I start to feel. Which makes me worry that I may be causing my husband to feel inadequate.

    I also really hate it when he says my name during love making.

    I know this isn’t “normal”, but any ideas of what may have worked for women in my situation would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, I should have linked this one, too! Great question. I do have a post about dissociation during sex, but I think I need to return to this and flesh it out more. In the meantime I hope that helps a bit. I think the big part is to learn how to focus on your body.

      Reply
      • Anonymous for this Question

        Thank you for your reply. I guess it’s a bit of a weird scenario because it’s a mutual thing – my husband and I both use the same “sexy/dirty talk”, and participate in the scenario (always one that emphasizes a power dynamic master/servant type situation. This also makes me feel guilty later because that’s so wrong and would be utterly unacceptable and unsexy if it was actually happening. So, why is does talking like that turn me on?). It doesn’t necessarily feel like I’m cheating…it just feels like if I am myself it’s a huge turnoff. I have also rarely felt desirable, except at the beginning of our relationship/marriage. Now that things are so crazy busy, and we are so awfully tired, my husband often is just too tired to do any initiating. I mean, throughout our marriage I’ve predominately been the one to initiate romance and usually to initiate sex. This has slowly contributed to my feeling less and less desirable. I think maybe that’s why I feel like I need to have this role play where he wants to “use” me in order to get aroused. I know that it isn’t holy to speak degradingly during lovemaking, but without it, I feel so…uncomfortable. Like, I can’t FEEL like I am sexy, and I feel almost overwhelmed by insecurity. Which is why I HATE it when he says my name during sex.

        I’ve always struggled with body image issues, and now at my heaviest and after having four kids, it’s not any better. I know I need to be healthier for my physical, mental and emotional health. However, that’s going to be a long term process. I’m not sure how to fix these issues right now. I just feel at a loss, because, even though my husband just rolls with it and seems fine – I still feel like it’s a hollowed-out shell of what it should be.

        I also start to worry that what I need to get aroused without this roleplay is going to take more energy than my sweet husband has left after working 12 hours in the sun. Playing the hand we are dealt is sometimes difficult, but I’m going to keep trying to find a way to overcome this.

        Thanks for the response, if you do decide to write more on the topic I really look forward to reading the post.

        P.S. I know I changed my name for this question, but I kept the same email that I normally post under. The last few posts I’ve made (including a post with my name) said: “This comment is awaiting moderation”. Is this a new policy, or am I on probation for something? If so, I’d like to apologize if you felt my posts were inappropriate in the past.

        Reply
    • Grace

      How about when your hubby decides to grow a scratchy beard even though he knows you hate beards? I can’t kiss him without getting a bunch of hair. Forget oral sex. Too distracting for me. Can’t even kiss his neck anymore with all the hair in the way. He looks 10 years older with it. Don’t get me wrong. The actual sex is good and I am still attracted to him and love him, but the beard gets in the way. I have asked for compromises, like having a beard part of the time of the year,, but he loves that beard and won’t ever shave it off. Beard balm doesn’t work. He gets lots of compliments on it in public which fuels his resolve. I guess that’s how it will be. Otherwise our marriage is really good, so I try to focus on that.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Bears are tricky! I know that many guys just love them. My husband starting growing a beard a few years ago, and I will say that when the hair comes in it’s a lot less scratchy! But it’s so important to keep it neatly trimmed so it doesn’t get too long. I think it’s okay to talk about how it’s affecting your sex life, though, and try to figure out solutions for that (like maybe getting it trimmed and keeping it well conditioned, etc.

        Reply
  2. LS

    Thanks for tackling these issues!

    Reply
  3. Wifey

    What if he ejaculates without orgasm? From reading your posts and other Christian blogs on marriage I got the idea that that wasn’t possible for men, but maybe I’m wrong. Thoughts?

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      If your husband is ejaculating without having an orgasm, I would go see a doctor. Honestly, that seems like something a professional should help deal with so sex becomes more enjoyable for him!

      Reply
  4. CR

    One time my husband and I were having sex and he slipped out while he was thrusting. When he tried to go back in, he must have tore part of me because I was bleeding and in pain. We didn’t have sex for awhile after that so I could heal. It was very odd. But I’m thinking surely we aren’t the only ones this has happened to…???
    My husband felt awful of course because he wasn’t intending to hurt me. This had never happened before and has never happened since so I know it’s not common but it was a problem!

    Reply
  5. Dave

    Here’s an odd question from a formerly rejected spouse. I read your post from 6/17 about switching libidos, man did that resonate! My question is how can I get back in the game? Wife took your libido course which I highly recommend but I’m having trouble with wondering how long the change will last. We never had a “normal” sex life as I’m a long haul truck driver. It took 20 years to get in this predicament, I hope it won’t take 20 to get out. I may not live that long. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks, Trucker Dave

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Honestly, Dave, positive changes are positive changes. That’s great that things are going better! So just live in the moment, celebrate it, keep the trajectory going. And if new problems come up, deal with them then, but don’t invite them now.

      And above all–work on communication and relationship. If you can keep your communication open, and if you keep feeling close, then if other problems do come up, they will also be easier to deal with.

      Thanks for commenting, and I’m glad she liked the course!

      Reply
      • Trucker Dave

        Hi. She’s not the only one that like the course😁! A big change is I no longer drive long haul, only a 3or 4 state area so I’m not gone as long. Also we’re empty nesters. I also made up my mind that the past is the past and I should get with the program, stop dwelling on bad stuff, embrace the good! I saw a fatal accident yesterday, kinda got me thinking. I appreciate your help and encouragement, thank you! Dave

        Reply
  6. Ashley

    I really appreciate that you talk about red flags in your blog. I think many times when a person is in the middle of a situation, it can be so hard to tell where their situation falls on a scale of “this probably isn’t good” to “this is really, really awful.” Thanks for helping with that!

    Reply
  7. Ina

    Curious if you’ve written at all about sexual arousal dysfunction? It’s maybe not a weird sex problem, but I’ve been unable to find anything on it on the Sex Chat for Christian Wives blogs or this one.

    I don’t think I’ve ever been fully aroused (engorged, etc) in 4 years of marriage and I’m clueless why because I feel like I’ve dealt with all the shame component and spoken truth consistently over myself!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Hi Ina! Have you ever been tested for different hormone levels? Sometimes that can be a big problem!

      Reply
      • Ina

        Ha! I haven’t tested, but it wouldn’t surprise me. I got pregnant 6 months in and it’s been back to back pregnancies and breastfeeding since! My poor body needs a break after this next one comes!

        Reply
        • Rebecca Lindenbach

          Oh my word, Ina, you saint. Obviously I am not a doctor and definitely get your hormones checked out even just to be able to rule it out, but also please when this next baby comes, treat yourself if you can! Get your nails done, go for a massage, sit in a bubble bath one night a week–because with all your body has gone through, you deserve to be seriously pampered!!

          Reply
  8. Melissa

    I think you’d said there was going to be a post on choosing lingerie in July, which I was looking forward to / hoping would be helpful – did I miss it or did it get bumped out by something else? Is it still coming?

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      Hey, Melissa!

      It’s still coming! It just got bumped because sometimes life happens and our plans get changed. 🙂 But we’re doing a small portion on lingerie in this week’s podcast, coming out tomorrow!

      Reply
  9. Stephanie

    This one seems like a strange one to me, but I’ve only ever been with my husband so it’s hard for me to say for sure, I guess. It takes my husband at least 45 minutes of penetration to climax every single time we have sex. It can get… more than a little uncomfortable to go for 1+ hours every time. He’s proud of how long he lasts and doesn’t see anything strange about it, but all the reading I’ve tried to do on my own about it seems to indicate it shouldn’t take that long all the time.

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      Hey, Stephanie–

      The question I think is CAN your husband climax before 45 minutes, or has he TRAINED himself to be able to last a lot longer because he thinks that’s a badge of honor as a man to be able to last for a long time?

      If you have sex and he’s physically incapable of orgasming in 30 minutes or less, I would definitely see a doctor about that. There may be physical or psychological reasons that this is happening. But if he’s just trying to last as long as possible, maybe a conversation about chafing and how it’s not always pleasant when it’s the same sensation for extended periods of time as a woman may be helpful if you haven’t had that conversation already.

      Reply
      • Stephanie

        As difficult as it was to bring it up, we have discussed it, and he can’t climax in a shorter time. At the same time, he likes being able to last that long and doesn’t see it as being abnormal or a problem. We’ve talked about chafing, and he acknowledges my perspective of how uncomfortable it can be for me. We just tend not to have sex as often as I’d prefer because sex takes so long whenever we do have sex. I’m at abut of a loss at this point. The last time I brought it up, he got a little defensive about it.

        Reply
  10. Kay

    I was really hoping for the lingerie post today!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      We just decided we wanted to do it right, and I ran out of time! We’re researching different links and things we want to include. I’m sorry; it’s coming soon!

      Reply
  11. Rachael

    What do you do if you have sexual anhedonia? I can orgasm but it doesn’t feel that good.

    Reply
  12. Kelly

    Hi me and my husband have had problems in the past we’re he doesn’t desire sex at all not as much as me anyways and it hurts because I feel rejected and I hate looking like a beggar, it really hurts me when he says no!
    Any advice

    Reply

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