What does the word sexy mean to you?
For many of us it has a negative connotation–as if it’s synonymous with “slutty”. And I hope in this podcast I can start the discussion where we can reclaim that word!
A new episode of the Bare Marriage podcast is up. I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Can We Reclaim Sexy?
We need to stop thinking of sexy as being dependent on what anonymous strangers think of us, and instead think of sexy as reveling in experiencing things with our senses (being in the moment); feeling inherently desirable because we appreciate our bodies; feeling female; and even wanting to be taken, to be joined.
I talked about how one of the problems with how we think of sexy is that we feel like women can’t have any sexuality or enjoy our bodies, in and of themselves. It’s why we struggle with the idea that single people should have sexuality at all, and I invite you all to comment on that! I want to start thinking about this more.
And then I gave some tips for feeling more connected to your body from my post last week on how to sync your libidos. The bit on enjoying being naked is important!
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
Millennial Marriage: What does “sexy” lingerie mean to us?
Rebecca and I jumped in with this conversation about how we need to find that middle ground for lingerie. Too often we think of lingerie as this tiny piece of material that we wear on special occasions, like anniversaries or birthdays, and immediately comes off. It’s not practical or comfortable. If you tried to sleep in it you’d be uncomfortable, or all your body parts would fall out. It’s only for one purpose. And that means that we’re far less likely to wear it, because it takes extra work.
What if instead we could focus on having nice pajamas that are flattering but you can wear on a regular basis? No more letting t-shirts with holes in them “graduate” to pajama status! Let’s actually get some nice ones that we wear all the time. What do you think?
Reader Question: It’s way too hard to meet Christian men!
Our reader sent this question:
The problem I have with your advice,is what if you belong to a particular religious denomination that comes with some pretty specific lifestyle choices that make dating outside your denomination difficult. Then, if there aren’t eligible bachelors in your church or the churches in your area, or no one with whom you have a mutual attraction, how do you ever get married? Don’t just say online, it doesn’t work for everyone. A lot of the advise I’ve been given/read says to church-hop, go on ya-oriented mission trips, Bible conferences, etc. But my experience has been that either there isn’t time to connect with someone or people stick with their group of friends.
My generation just seems so disconnected after college. Last year, I attended a large church with over 20 people near my age, but getting them to show up, even for young adult-oriented events, was a challenge. Also, it’s been my experience that there are 3 single girls regularly attending church for every single guy.
I keep hearing that that either 1. I need to try harder to meet someone or 2. That I need to be patient and wait on God’s timing. Am I missing something crucial?
Next time you tell your subscribers to “let this one go” or that there’s “plenty of guys out there”. I think maybe you have an unrealistic perception of the prevalence of eligible, Godly men under the age of 40.
I honestly feel so badly for women who are single who don’t want to be single. I can only imagine how lonely that is, and I wish I had some magic formula to fix it, but I don’t.
To respond to this, though, I don’t think I’ve ever said that there are “plenty of guys out there”. In fact, I think I’ve said the opposite, repeatedly. There absolutely are more single Christian women than single Christian men. It’s tough. And we need to be aware of that as women, and if marriage is a priority to us, then it’s a good idea to be open to relationships in college and to keep yourself in a good social group throughout your 20s.
As for the question she’s asking, I’d say that if your denomination (whatever it is) makes it hard to date outside of it, then you have a choice. Do you want to get married or do you want your denomination? What I’ve found is that there are people who genuinely love Jesus, who understand salvation, who know that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, who read their Bibles, in so many different denominations. If you’re committed to one particular one that is making marriage impossible, then realize that’s a consequence of your choice, and I’m sorry if that seems harsh. My advice, though, would be to start being open to Christians in other churches, because you may find that your own views change, and that’s okay.
Then I would just say: grow your social group. Invest in people. Invite people to dinner. Even if they’re married couples or even if you’re not interested in them as a potential partner. Most people marry from their social group, so the larger your social group gets, the more likely you are to meet someone to marry.
Like this post? You may also enjoy:
Comment: I don’t actually like Supernanny!
Every week I like to focus on a comment that came into the blog, and this week’s came from long-term commenter Lydia who was writing after our post on Tuesday about 5 weird shows to watch as a family:
I watched quite a few of the Supernanny episodes after your blogpost about it… and honestly I didn’t like her approach to discipline at all.
She had some good stuff like routines and doing fun stuff with the kids – to make sure you give them positive attention. But the naughty chair and reward charts are behavior modification techniques that might appear to work but I would caution against those being the foundation for discipline especially as Christians. For us discipline is linked to discipleship and to walk alongside our kids and showing them God’s character through our own actions and behavior towards them.
The rewards system and the praise when overdone or done thoughtlessly is actually counterproductive to intrinsic motivation (which is something we should protect for our kids).
I think the main issue I have with the show is that it shows extreme messed up family dynamics and fixes those which looks quite different then raising kids from the start with a proper focus on meeting their needs and nurturing them which will prevent many of the disruptive behavior from the show from the beginning.
I actually totally agree with Lydia here. When you do raise kids from the beginning and you’re focusing more on building the relationship, spending time with them, and talking with them and teaching, you don’t need all these behaviour modification techniques. But Supernanny’s great if your kids are out of control!
Like Rebecca found in her research for Why I Didn’t Rebel, when you asked young adults who didn’t rebel what rules they had as teens, one of the surprising things she learned was that they couldn’t name anything specific. They’d hem and haw and say, “maybe we had a curfew?” But the kids who did rebel? A ton of rules! The kids who didn’t rebel largely grew up in a family where, from the beginning, growing an authentic relationship was the focus, and by the time they were teens, they had so internalized godly values that they made good choices.
That’s also why it’s good to read Why I Didn’t Rebel BEFORE your kids are teens, so that you can set the stage right earlier!
What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?
So that’s it for the podcast this week!
I ran into so much trouble recording it because everyone in our block was mowing their lawn at the same time and making a great racket, and then I had two flies loose in the room I was recording and they were buzzing like crazy and I just couldn’t catch them. But we finally got it done!
So let me know: how do we reclaim the word sexy? Is meeting guys difficult in your denomination? Or did anything else stand out to you this week? Let’s talk in the comments!