Start Your Engines: How to Initiate Sex with Your Wife

by | Oct 31, 2019 | Uncategorized | 31 comments

Start Your Engines Men's Podcast: How to Have Those Conversations about Sex with Your Wife
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How do you figure out how to initiate sex with your wife–especially if she doesn’t seem that interested in sex?

It’s podcast day on the blog today, and on the last Thursday of every month I run my podcasts specifically aimed at husbands (though I think women can listen to them, too!). I get a lot of requests from women to say things to men that I say here, so we thought that we would start doing that once a month.

But first, here’s the podcast.

 

Main Segment: How to Restart Your Sex Life

This month on the blog, on our Wednesday series, we’ve been talking about the different “stages of sex” in marriage. And one of the big things I mentioned was that, for many people, the honeymoon years just aren’t that great. You get married thinking that sex is going to be amazing, but for whatever reason, it isn’t. 

I wrote about this here:

So today we thought we’d talk to the guys who didn’t have those honeymoon years. How can you start again and go back to the beginning? We talked about how women really need three things from sex: intimacy; safety; and pleasure. And often they get none of them. To focus on pleasure, do check out the post on 10 tips if she’s never reached orgasm. But what’s really needed here is to have a conversation about how to restart, and that was the big thing that Keith and I stressed today.

Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?

31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Reader Question: Why Won’t My Husband Initiate?

I started in with a question from a wife that I thought was worth commenting on. She asked:

 

My husband and I are recently married and we’re both fairly young. The last few months have been very frustrating for me. We’re both Christians but we did fall into temptation and became intimate before we were married. Before we were married it was hot and he initiated almost everything. But now that we’re married it’s like he never wants to have sex at all. Lately we don’t have sex unless I initiate. What do I do?

Great question! I talked about some of the reasons that sex may change once you’re married (including dealing with a pornographic view of sex), but then I launched into how men can initiate sex with their wives without turning her off.  Check out that post for more help.

Reader Question 2: My Wife Seems Like She’s Just Going Through the Motions

Here’s the opposite question: the husband is initiating, in all the right ways, but she just doesn’t respond.

 

​I’m in my late 40s, active, healthy with a very attractive wife of similar age. We are Christians and have sex on a semi regular basis. I find myself getting more frequently frustrated in recent years because I’m tired of doing things (in bed) the same old way. My wife never instigates, so I do it. I am affectionate with my wife and regular support and compliment her. We go out for dinner etc etc. I purchased your book , 31 Days…but she got offended. There’s no spice or a willingness to mix things up . I don’t think she needs it…but I do! I constantly think of my college days where the opportunity for sex was frequent but I didn’t take it because I was told and I believed Biblically ‘It was worth the wait’. I get the feeling that my wife goes through the motions… doing her duty. If I bring the topic up, it doesn’t go down well. The strange thing is we are in love and have a good marriage but I’m panicked about menopause and what time we have left.​

I get it! And I think the key is to learn how to have these conversations in a non-blaming way, but also to insist on having those conversations. I gave an example in the podcast.

I also promised I’d share these posts:

And if you want to have those conversations with your wife, do check out the Get Your Marriage On app!

It’s like marriage counseling on your phone, but in a fun way. You just watch a few quick videos, and then there are practical action steps you can take. Plus there are a ton of games (including Strip Battleship!), conversation starters (including 70 that I wrote), and more. Use the code TLHV when you sign up to unlock the conversation starters.

That’s it for the podcast today! I hope you listen in, and be sure to tell your husbands and guy friends about it! Each podcast I’m also going to do a draw for 31 Days to Great Sex and the 24 Sexy Dares to someone new on my email list, so be sure to sign up here!

Let me know: What’s the hardest part of starting conversations about sex with your spouse? 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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31 Comments

  1. Belle Grace

    Part of the podcast that I keyed in on was about the…expectations on sex after you’re married. Men & women don’t see sex the same way.

    I wonder how many people’s expectations also involve you considering how your partner enjoys the sex? Because if the expectation/fantasy is only centered around you & what gets you off…your expectation will be selfish.

    Men & women’s passions aren’t ignited the same way. And depending on how you approach sex…it can extinguish the other’s desire.

    It’s been said that man can get off by…just thinking about sex. Women don’t.

    And that can be problematic for a woman/wife who needs a deeper connection with her man to have sex. If a woman feels like just the “thought of sex” is turning her husband on…it can make her feel used. A husband can think about sex…but not necessarily his wife. He’s just thinking about an…action.

    For me I’m not turned on by sex…I’m turned on by the chemistry between me & my husband & that leads to sex. But my husband can be ready for sex without the chemistry. When he thinks about sex he wants it. And if I just bent over or lay down & let him have his way with my body…he’d be satisfied. But I’d be turned off because he just made me feel like a sex doll. I’d prefer that he’d want all of me instead of just trying to penetrate my body.

    But the good thing about my husband…is that he does want all of me to make love to. He loves sex better when I make love back to him. Earlier in our marriage he tried to use me like his sex doll…but he found out it his pleasure wasn’t as good unless I was enjoying it. He enjoys building up the chemistry between us now. He’s not trying to rush anymore & we love it.

    The sad but good part is that we didn’t get to this point until I hurt his feelings by sharing my truth. I remember that night my husband had just got “his” sex from me (yeah where I just laid there) & he bragged out loud that “sex was a 10.”

    I was fed up & feeling gross then spoke my mine and told him, “no it was a 10 for you & a 0 for me”

    He was shocked & silenced. Then finally asked well why wasn’t it a 10 for you? I just asked him did you ever feel me hug you back, kiss you, did you notice my eyes were open staring at the clock, did you see the tears, did you even notice how I retreated from you after it was over? Nope because you were only caring about yourself. You wouldn’t know what it’s like to truly make love with all of me.

    Long story short, he went into denial & gave me the silent treatment for a few days. And when he finally saw that I wasn’t budging or trying spare his feelings like I usually do he said he knew it was serious. Other times when I had expressed my true feelings to him he attacked them…& I would give in & let him think he was right. But it was only hurting me. And I was tired of hurting & I wasn’t going to spare the truth to save his ego anymore. And we’ve both enjoyed each other ever since.

    Reply
    • MidwestWife

      Thank you for sharing this. I can relate- I’ve told my husband something similar, basically that I don’t like being objectified. However I often wonder how much is my own headspace and how much is really on him. In my situation, I know I have to work through and pray about how I view myself but as you stated communication is also vital.

      Reply
    • Sarah O

      Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this, Belle Grace. I think lots of women are bewildered when it seems their partner cannot tell the difference between passionate enthusiasm and disassociative endurance. Would love to hear some guys chime in. Do you really not notice? Or if you you do notice, what do you think when your partner is not actively engaging?

      To Sheila’s point below and your story, we ladies do need to get better about communicating directly and also stop socializing ourselves to “endure” when we are 100% not in the mood. I always feel like I’m going to completely crush him if I say no but if I fake a yes it crushes me and lowers my libido.

      Reply
      • Belle Grace

        Hi Sarah, I know my husband’s not going to chime in but I’ll tell you what he’s told me in the past.

        He’s basically said that guys don’t get a blueprint for how sex is suppose to go. For him pretty much since his first sexual experience as a teenager, he just tried to reenact what he saw on tv. So as you can see sex was more of verb than a feeling. He hoped the girl was liking it. But would never ask her in case she said otherwise. Also said that he figured if it felt good to him it would feel good for them too. And he carried this belief all the way until he came into my life.

        He said I was the only one to ever vocalize how I felt. Which I still kind of doubt. So he didn’t believe me at first when I said I didn’t enjoy what he was doing..without me being totally present.

        And Sarah the hardest thing before this time period…was that I had a ALWAYS VOCALIZED my feelings. And I wasn’t wishy washy with it. Eventually I got to a point where I said, hey let me try it his way. I tried to question & change myself. This went on for about 6months before I revolted. My husband just didn’t want to listen. He never had an excuse to say he didn’t know how I felt. I believe he enjoyed the power of ignoring me & how I felt. Because he didn’t finally stop until I didn’t give up. I couldn’t deny the obvious anymore because he showed me that it was his power that turned him on at that time. We’ve had sex when it was loving & mutual and the other times he was just enjoying himself…sadly at that point he was more attracted to the latter. I’ll also add that the attraction to power wasn’t the same for him if…I initiated.

        Reply
      • CS from NY

        Can’t speak for others but I notice a fake “yes” and decline until a later time if I get one. I don’t want her to just endure something shes not interested in. That’s wrong, and it means I’ve somehow missed engaging her heart before I asked. It’s a sign I’ve failed at intimacy and it kills me.

        After 20 years though, I feel selfish asking, and even though when she gives a true “yes” and she swears up and down afterwards that she enjoyed it, I still feel like I did something wrong because even though I focused on her pleasure it feels to me that she just passively made her body available without really engaging back with me, touching me, or showing any enthusiasm. I don’t know if her relationships before we married made her think guys have to always do “all the work” but it feels like sex is something I do *to* her instead of something we share. It makes me feel lonely and like I’m taking advantage of her for just asking.

        I’ve done my best to kill my desire, to stop the pain, but I know that’s wrong because it’s not fair to her. I can’t enjoy sex if I think she’s not interested. We’ve talked, and started the 31 days book months ago, but I feel like I’m the only one that thinks there’s a problem. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m affectionate to her in non-sexual ways, so I’m not only touching her to try to get sex. On the one hand, I wish she would engage more, but on the other hand, I’m kind of losing interest in sex and feel selfish bringing this up again and again.

        So if I ask and we have sex, I feel like im failing to truly engage her heart or else she’d be more passionate, but if I don’t ask then it doesnt happen and then I’m withholding from her, which is wrong because I’m responsible for her pleasure.

        It’s all very confusing. 🙁

        Reply
        • Chris

          “On the one hand, I wish she would engage more, but on the other hand, I’m kind of losing interest in sex and feel selfish bringing this up again and again.” Yup. That somes it up rather well. Thank you CS for articulating that so well.

          Reply
        • Belle Grace

          CS from NY, I’m curious as to how your wife communicates intimacy with you during the day. Honestly with my husband there’s never a day now that goes by that we don’t hug, kiss, cuddle or atleast make out. We’re constantly flirting with each other. And I’m praying that you at least have moments like that to enjoy.

          When you’re initiating intimacy with your wife, i.e. the innocent hugs, kisses & cuddling not looking for sex…how does your wife respond? Does she ever just come up & kiss you?

          Do you even get to enjoy long passionate kisses with your wife? Or does she ever just enjoy making out so much to the point where she can’t help but lose control? And when & if you do makeout…does she kind of panic or get cold towards the idea of it escalating to sex?

          Reply
          • CS from NY

            She had never once in all our years lost control while kissing or cuddling. Not that we’re not doing these things, far from it. I just can’t seem to get her to that point. Getting her to O is not any issue, and oddly never has been. That’s the only time she seems to lose control. But I can spend 15 to 30 minutes giving her repeated Os but she hardly touches me, beyond hugging or kissing, when we’re intimate. And while I get some physical pleasure out of intimacy, it feels so lonely and like my pleasure is rushed when she’s ready to be done.

        • Sarah O

          CS from NY – that is really heartbreaking. I would hate to think of my husbands or my sons feeling that way. I’m sorry you’re going through that, and I’ll pray for you both.

          Is it possible she was exposed to any sort of purity culture, religious or otherwise? Messages that sexual feelings are bad, wrong and shameful? I know those messages make it hard for women to be sexually expressive, not sure if that’s the case here. You might also consider asking her directly for a while to touch you or kiss you. I know that won’t make you feel better immediately, but it may help break habits and get you to a place where you don’t have to ask.

          You might also look into The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex or possibly the Boost Your Libido course, though I imagine that will be difficult to bring up.

          Again, really sorry you’re facing this and hope you and the missus find some ways to improve your connection.

          Reply
          • CS from NY

            We did grow up during the purity culture movement, but she has expressed she knows sex isn’t dirty or shameful. She says she’s worked through the abuse she received in previous relationships (she was my first, I was not her first), and it doesnt seem like theres pain or fear behind this. It just seems like I can’t awaken in her a desire for me. Shes so playful about everything else, but when it comes to intimacy she seems so passive.

            It feels like we’ve had conversations about this so many times, and I always end up feeling selfish. I know she intends to try to be more attentive but it just has never happened. So if I bring it up again, no matter the words I use, I’m basically telling her she’s still not meeting my need and I just cant do that to her.

            I don’t even know if it’s okay for a husband to have needs. I was raised to not try to get a girl to do something she doesn’t want to do, and I don’t know how to square that with being a husband. I’ve been told I’m supposed to take care of her, but rely on God to meet my needs. So I pray. But my heart still aches because it hits the fear I’ve had since I was a child, that I’m undesirable.

    • Mary P

      I’ve certainly been here earlier in our marriage. After rejecting my husbands demands for sex, he blew up at me like a terrible two year old. I was scolded that when he chose to marry me he gave up his chances of making whoopy with tons of other women. I also learned that apparently in his mind marriage meant an automatic endless supply of sex that he no longer had to work for. I guess as his wife I was his sexual jackpot so to speak. It was a miserable time in my life. Even more so because I actually love sex. Men always talk about how their wives sexually deprive them but never consider how their selfishness deprives us of the same pleasure. Like you said sex isn’t just an act to perform.

      I wish my husband had come around as fast as yours.

      Reply
  2. Bethany

    In a marriage where we both were previously aware of the struggles my previous abuse would add, nothing really prepares you for reality. The reality of that is, you can take 15 steps forward and be doing pretty good at managing to like sex, and then something minor internal or external and now I’m back at the beginning or further back to years ago. So in the midst of trying to not feel like a failure as a wife, I’d endure sex and feel nothing but disgust. But we communicate alot and it came out and so we’ve put down. Rules that help! 1. If I can’t get my mind to properly focus nothing happens. Because if I ignore it then we move backwards. 2. With every time we are intimate, we don’t leave it until both of us to happy, or if the one who “hasn’t yet” is willing to postpone until next time. Which is then decided by them.
    This helps keep the goals of what we’re doing more clear. We’re starting to get where he’ll try to initiate but that’s been bumpy Because until now I was the only initiator so I wouldn’t be uncomfortable. Trying to figure out how I should be responding to it.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      YES! This is actually so true, and this is a lesson I needed to learn as well while I was having pain. If you “endure” it and just try to get through it, you do send yourself backwards. It’s better to deal with the underlying issues.

      Reply
  3. Amanda H

    Great podcast! My husband is planning to have a discussion about sex with his brother who is getting married soon. The couple has had no previous relationships and is saving physical intimacy for marriage other than holding hands. My husband and I were in the exact same situation when we married and we wish someone (dad, grandpa, pastor?) had talked to DH about what to expect and that just “going for it” isn’t going to do much for his new bride. I’m so thankful I’d read your blog before marriage and knew a little how to guide him. We’re not sure our brother and soon to be sister-in-law has that advantage so can you (or anyone) recommend a book that my husband can give him? These podcasts are great but he’s more of a reader. I know your good girls guide is great for me to give her, but we didn’t know what would help him? We just want them to have as good a start as we did thanks to me reading your blog! ❤️

    Reply
  4. Nathan

    I hope that I could tell the difference between true joy and just lying there (as said above). I’ve asked my wife before if she enjoys it, and she says yes, but my guess is that I need to talk to her more about it, to make sure that she really does get all that she wants out of the experience.

    Reply
    • libl

      Hubby accused me of “just lying there” when in reality I was deeply focused on the wonderful sensations and trying to orgasm.

      Reply
      • Mike

        Well duh. That’s because you and your husband had chosen to have 3 legged intimacy rather than reciprocal intimacy.

        Here’s a novel concept. If it’s an even date on the calendar it’s your turn and all about you. If it’s an odd date it’s all about him.

        I’m guessing that he’ll be fine with you just “lying there“ on your days, but on his days you’ll need to be more encouraging and active. Yup up for the challenge?

        Reply
        • libl

          Mike, we have sex an average of 3x per week and every single time is how he likes it. So, take your “you up for it” elsewhere. I went 3 years without an orgasm from him because he wanted sex his way. I gave up oral sex because he wanted sex his way.

          Reply
          • Mike

            Libi. Taking turns is important. Seems like your husband didn’t understand that. You did what he liked 3 times a week, but he never returned the favor. Bad on him.

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Mike, actually, no.

            Here’s the thing: Let’s say that libl needs to be still and concentrate in order to orgasm, but her husband wants her enthusiastic and moving around a lot the whole time. What you’re saying is that they should do it his way one night, and her way the next night. The problem with that is that, even when they do it her way, he still orgasms. So what you’re proposing is that he orgasm 100% of the time and she orgasm 50% of the time, and that’s fair.

            That’s not, Mike. What would be analogous is if he DIDN’T orgasm on her nights. But I doubt that you’d want that to happen.

            Sex should be about both people, and so both people should get to reach climax. To demand that your spouse do something for your pleasure which would result in them not climaxing is to deny them orgasm.

            A better route may be for him to bring her to orgasm a different way that time, or for her to start being very enthusiastic, and moving a lot, but she may always have to be still at the end. Some women do. They’re not broken. They’re not wrong. That’s the way they are.

          • Mike

            Sheila, Oh Shelia.

            No. No. And No.

            You and I have very different understandings and sentiments about spousal intimacy.

            Firstly, let’s stop it with the mythical male “efficiency’ myth. If a wife chooses on top, initiates out of nowhere, turns the lights out, puts his head in her lap, or whatever. It ain’t happening for him anywhere near 100%.

            Secondly, the goal is that both spouses get the kind and type of intimacy they like without having to over temper and over accommodate, not that they water down experience 3 times a week.

            The solution to Libl couple was not her jumping around for 20 minutes and then being still. The solution was to be completely still sometimes as she liked, and jump around others as her husband liked.

            Finally, the notion that both partners need to “taken care of” each and every time is unhealthy.

            Suppose the wife wants lots of attention and the husband is quick. Why should she get 50 minutes while he gets only 10? Why does she get to go first? See where that leads?

            Or Suppose the husband is tired from from construction every Tuesday and Thursday ? Does that mean that if he just wants a massage and his wife wants to get on top, that she can’t receive pleasure?

            Take care and have a blessed week.

      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Yes, I don’t think that men realize that sometimes women have to “just lie there” in order to get them over the edge. If men care about women having an orgasm, they have to be sensitive to the fact that she may need, at the end of intercourse when she’s approaching climax, to lie still (not all women, but some). If he denies her that, or gets upset about it, then really he’s denying her orgasm.

        Reply
        • Tory

          Mike, are you serious in saying that both partners “taking care of each other” aka orgasm each and every time is unhealthy? Because it might take the woman longer? If so, i’m very glad my husband doesn’t think like you… and just think, sometimes it’s the man who has trouble climaxing. If that’s the case, he is not going to be self-conscious about it! He is going to pound away until he comes. (Sorry to be crude) and that’s seen as normal and acceptable. But a woman is somehow selfish to expect to come just because it may take her a few minutes longer? Wow

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Yep.

          • Kayla

            @Libl – You could have your husband go first and then you finish. If he’s not okay with that, it’s a good idea to go to marriage counseling.

            The idea I’m getting from some people is that the man just gets it over with and then they get up. It’s so natural to be still and just enjoy being close! Even AFTER you both climax.

            It’s about a relationship where we both WANT to meet each others’ needs! I wouldn’t be satisfied if my husband is not satisfied, and he is the same with me. It’s horrible to think that anyone would want their spouse unsatisfied, especially if the feeling is still there and it’s distracting. Neither person should even think the other is selfish, because it’s in our heart to want their best. This is exactly why my husband & I are extremely happy together! Philippians 2:4.

            Again I just want to emphasize how natural it is for a husband and wife to just enjoy being close, so “being still” should not be a problem, assuming both of their needs have been met.

  5. Belle Grace

    Not sure if this perspective has ever been shared before but maybe I can help someone else.

    Husbands if your idea of initiating sex is to do stuff simply to “JUST” make your wife “WET” for penetration…you’re only trying to satisfy your own want.

    You’re trying to “PRIME” your wife up for easier penetration.

    You’re only focusing on sex as a physical activity.

    She doesn’t want just the physical with you.

    For her sex is engaging her MIND, BODY & SOUL.

    So if you cheat, and just try to stimulate the parts of her body that “TURN YOU ON”…she’ll know & get turned off.

    Your focus should not be just to get her wet for penetration.

    My Testimony: The times when my husband was only concerned about his pleasure, he initiated sex by…ONLY doing things to me that turned him on. My husband has always known that all I need in order for him to turn me on is to genuinely hug, kiss & cuddle with me. But my husband didn’t want to do that. He admit he enjoys it now but back then he just enjoyed trying to get control more. He wanted to get me wet with what turned him on. And for me to accept it. He really wanted to force me to enjoy it. It didn’t work.

    My husband gets turned on by direct stimulation…so he attacks my clit the same way. He’ll attack it either with his hand or orally. Most times it’s too hard & rushed…I don’t enjoy it. I can get wet from it…but I’ll be hurting more from the unwanted friction of him enjoying himself. He knew it but didn’t care. And I knew it too.

    Husbands don’t just prime your wives up to satisfy your wants. She’ll know.

    So be honest about how & most of all “why” you’re initiating sex. Are you really trying to satisfy her needs or your own?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Great thoughts, Belle!

      Reply
  6. anon

    I cannot say that I am a great expert in the art of seducing my wife, but maybe I can share some of my experience.

    My libido is higher than my wife’s, so when she is not in the mood for sex, one strategy I have developed is to do with her things that she is still in the mood for, and that are as close to intimacy as possible. She likes to receive back massage and foot massage, to spoon and cuddle and kiss, etc. So in the evening we do a lot of that, maybe in front of some movie or series that we are half watching. Sometimes then she might also caress me a bit down there and I get excited, but that is just “practice” and I do not ejaculate in such cases, even if she offers it: I tell her that when she is in the mood and we have the time, we will do this properly, so that she can have her pleasure too then, and I will wait until then. I think that doing that helps a lot, because it tells her: your pleasure matters a lot to me, I can wait. It builds up happy anticipation for that moment, and some of that happy anticipation is adopted by her.

    For sex to work for her, she needs a couple of hours reserved without distractions, with the phones switched off, etc. She needs some time to relax and get in the mood, so that is also a good time for some massage. Penetration is often uncomfortable and insufficient for her, and oral works much better, so we focus on that. She often has difficulties reaching orgasm, so then we take a small break, drink a bit of water, laugh, and then restart: that seems to work really well. She is sometimes concerned about how long it is taking, so I tell her that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else doing anything else. I have orgasm only after she does, like all the experts recommend: otherwise I might feel too tired to continue, and that would be rather selfish.

    So I guess it basically comes down to discovering what she likes, and if the focus is on that, she will of course start looking forward to it more. And showing her that this is not about my physical release, and that that can wait, and that I just really want to be with her in intimate ways, and to give her pleasure.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s lovely! Thank you.

      Reply
      • anon

        Thank you, Sheila. I just wanted to add that it was an embarrassingly long journey to get to all this.

        Earlier I was avoiding intimate activities that do not lead to my orgasm, as they felt frustrating. But for my wife intimate activities that do not lead to her orgasm were needed for her to build up the libido to be able to have an orgasm later.

        Not to mention that after such intimate activities, the temptation to finish on my own was strong and distracting.

        But I was able to turn this frustration around into a sort of warm anticipation. Which is, I think, how she experiences it, too. So now we are much more in tune in what we want, since both of us want closeness, touch, spending time together. Earlier, when that was frustrating for me, she felt that I don’t really want to be with her, that I just want the release.

        Some of the things she likes, such as me giving her foot massage, felt like a chore to me earlier. Now I desire the closeness and intimacy these activities provide.

        Me having orgasm only when she does has also allowed us to be more in sync, more devoted to each other. This way we are working on our intimacy together, as a team. Still, it was difficult to get there for somebody like me, who used to be used to daily release.

        So if you really love and care for somebody, and if you really try to listen to how they feel, it is possible to attune to them.

        Reply
        • anon

          And one last thing that was difficult for me to understand. If a woman needs time and attention to prepare for sex, if she does not get turned on quickly and frequently, one might think: well, sex is not important for her.

          That is very untrue.

          For my wife both the intimate-but-not-quite-sex activities we have frequently, and the orgasms that she has much less frequently, are extremely important. And it pains her that she cannot express this side of her more easily and more frequently.

          So as a man, when I feel that I have “strong needs” I need to remind myself that her needs are just as strong. That she craves the closeness and the touch on a deeper level.

          That is why asking for sexual favors and making it about your orgasm can be painful for her, can make her feel that actually you are the one that doesn’t like sex with her.

          Reply

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