Why Your Husband Wants You to Read this Marriage Blog

by | Oct 28, 2019 | Libido, Uncategorized | 32 comments

Why Your Husband Wants You to Read This Marriage Blog: How to Capture Intimacy in Marriage

This marriage blog was originally for women–married, Christian women, to be exact, although honestly anyone is welcome!

It’s about advice for marriage from a Christian perspective, and I deal with everything quite openly–including sex.

Most people who read here are women, and my hope and prayer is that we can become a real community where people can come when they have questions to real marriage problems we all face, but no good place to get answers in “real” life. Often we just don’t have people to talk to about some of our most intimate problems, and that’s one thing the internet is great for!

However, I also have some readers who aren’t women. Many husbands read this blog, and often make comments on some of my posts,

“I wish my wife would read this, but I don’t know how to ask her without getting her mad.”

Today, I want to write a post that these men can show their wives. And so I want to talk to you wives who are having a hard time when it comes to sex. A few years ago I wrote such a post, but I’d like to revamp it and run it again, because I have even more men reading now, and I’d like to write an intro for their wives. 

I’ve written a lot online to help couples who are struggling with mismatched libidos have fun again! I wrote  31 Days to Great Sex, where we looked at all kinds of different aspects to sex–from getting over difficulties to learning how to enjoy it more to just plain learning to laugh together. And I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to help women understand that sex is so much more than physical–it’s emotional and spiritual as well (and those emotional aspects often make the physical even better!).

And I guess I write so much about this because sex the area that is the most contentious, and often the most difficult, in marriage, because men and women approach it so differently. And many, many men are frustrated that their sex lives aren’t better, but it just doesn’t seem to be a priority to their wives. So guys, this is the post you can show your wife. Bookmark it, and email it to her, or ask her to read it and then you can talk about it later. I’m now going to talk to your wives and explain why you want her here.

Ready? Okay, here goes.

If you're tired of your husband being frustrated--maybe you need to read this!

Ladies, thank you for reading this far.

I know you likely have your back up. Why does your husband want you to read something called “Bare Marriage”? And what’s all this stuff about sex? Are we just going to get into that fight again?

Let me try to answer those questions by telling you a little bit about who I am and where I’m coming from, which I really think will put you at ease. This blog is called Bare Marriage because my first book was called “Bare Marriage: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother“. Many women get married thinking they’re signing up for a beautiful relationship, and five years in it feels more like a job. You run around taking care of everything else, and your whole life is one big to do list rather than a passionate adventure. What went wrong?

And so I started writing about how women can work on their relationships so they find joy again, and work on organizing their lives so it’s not so chaotic.

That’s what I started to focus on. I know what it is to feel as if you spend your whole life caring for everyone else, and no one seems to be caring for you (even if it’s simply because your hubby wants to, but he’s too busy).

But the more I wrote, the more I found my niche really writing about marriage. It’s not that I don’t write about parenting anymore; it’s just that marriage is where my heart is, because if the marriage relationship goes right, then the parenting will be so much easier. And the more I wrote about marriage, the more I started focusing on sex, until before you knew it, I became the “go to girl” for all things sex. And my main book was born out of that.

That doesn’t mean that sex has come easily for me.

It hasn’t. In fact, in the first few years of my marriage I spent most of my time crying about it. “Why does this have to be so hard, God?” I would ask. I think I now have the answer. It’s because God was preparing me for this. And when I say that I understand what it is to wish sex didn’t exist, I mean it. When I say that I know what it is to wonder if it will ever feel good, I’m telling the truth. When I say that I know what it is to be so sick and tired of fighting over it, I know that, too.

For me, the problem was that sex was painful, and at the same time I felt basically zero pleasure. But I had been taught my whole life that sex was a necessary part of marriage, and that my husband needed sex to feel loved, so I forced myself to “let” Keith have sex, even though it was hurting me. Sex became entirely about him, and not about me. And it was really, really dysfunctional.

So I know what it is to hate sex and see it as a burden. 

But I also know the other side. I know how amazing it is when sex works well. I know what it is to really experience love when you make love. I know that it does feel stupendous. But it took a lot of work, a lot of humility, and a lot of refocusing of my priorities to get there. And now I can honestly say that I love my marriage!

In my surveys and in the comments to this blog, and as I talk to many men at marriage conferences, I find the commonality for so many of these guys is that they don’t just want more sex. They want their wife to be engaged in sex. They want to feel passion and intimacy together. They don’t actually WANT sex to be all about them. They feel that a lot of the traditional teaching on sex in marriage, like when the best-selling Christian marriage book Love & Respect teaches that sex is all about the husband’s physical release, is totally off. They sense there’s something far more than just physical release. There’s connection. There’s intimacy. There’s real relationship.

If your husband has sent you here, chances are that it does not mean he thinks there is something wrong with you. It does not mean he is mad at you. It does not mean he blames you for any problems in your marriage.

Why Your Husband Wants You to Read This Christian Marriage and Sex Blog: How to improve your marriage

It means simply that he wants your marriage to thrive.

He wants it to be all that it can be. He doesn’t want to settle for mediocre; he wants it to be intimate, stupendous, exhilarating, safe, and uniting. He wants it to be joyous, and full of laughter, and full of real communion. And he thinks you really want that, too, but he’s worried that right now you’re not experiencing that together. And he wants to get past that–together.

Now, some men may be using sex as a weapon against you, and may be trying to control you. If that’s the case, this post on emotionally destructive marriages is more for you.

But most guys do want a great, mutual marriage. They don’t expect you to do all the work. They just want to find a starting point where you can begin the journey together and just talk openly about some of these things. Your husband may be hurting because he feels like both of you are missing out on all that marriage is supposed to be, and he doesn’t want to settle for that.

I have lived in a mediocre marriage, and I have lived in a stupendous, intimate marriage, and I can tell you that the latter is way better.

It is worth the effort. Maybe you’re upset because you thought you had a great marriage, and your husband obviously doesn’t. That’s okay. That just means that you still have room to grow–we all do. And if there are some areas where your spouse wants you to grow as a couple, don’t take that as a criticism of you. Take that for what it is: an indication that he loves you. He cherishes the marriage. He cherishes it so much that he doesn’t want to settle for anything less than the best.

Look, I do have a wonderful marriage, but in two weeks my husband and I will be speaking at a FamilyLife marriage conference in Whistler, British Columbia, and I know we will come home with some new tools and new thoughts about how to make our marriage better–because we always do. No marriage has ever “arrived”. No marriage is ever perfect. If your husband wants to work on something with you, that only means that he is committing himself even more fully to your marriage. That’s a good thing; not a bad thing! And if you can read what I have to say with an open mind and heart, I think you’ll find that you can get excited about what’s in store for your marriage, too!

And so I want to give you a challenge:

I really encourage you to try the 31 Days to Great Sex with your husband.

Don’t worry: It’s not 31 Days OF Great Sex. It’s 31 Days TO Great Sex. It’s 31 days of challenges that help you talk more, learn to flirt again, be more affectionate–and yes, even some steamy stuff. But it’s all about getting you to connect emotionally before you connect physically. And then getting you to feel truly intimate, too.

Isn’t that what we all really want?

Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?

31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

If that’s too big a stretch, then I encourage you to sign up for my marriage emails. When you do, you’ll start getting weekly emails about how to build your friendship, your spiritual intimacy, your sex life–and even how to handle libido and hormones.

Now seriously, ladies–no pressure. If this is too much, I understand. But your husband really wants to be close to you. Please don’t give up. In fact, you can even start exploring some of what I write about how to combat some bad teaching about sex and what sex is really supposed to be here:

And then there are posts on how to make sex feel great, too! Tons of them, including:

Just start reading, and then you’ll find links to so many other things. I hope it helps you!

Welcome to the blog. I do hope you’ll come back.

And now, to my commenters: Many women will be showing up on this post as their intro to the blog. Do you have any words of wisdom for them? Any stories of how you felt before you started reading this? Or any favourite posts? Leave a comment to welcome them (and if you remember a post, but can’t find it, just tell me what it was about and I’ll pop the link in later!) 

 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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32 Comments

  1. Belle Grace

    But who decided that women don’t want sex or enjoy sex?

    Women want QUALITY vs Quantity

    Women want GOOD & MEANINGFUL SEX

    Women & wives DON’T OWE SEX…SEX is SUPPOSE TO BE MUTUAL

    Why are women always expected to…just lay there & let our men use our bodies for their own pleasure?

    If my husband isn’t romancing me & loving me right…why should I have to give him sex that he doesn’t deserve?

    Isn’t strange how so many men & husbands never question their performance in bed vs complaining about how much sex they don’t get.

    Why aren’t men & husbands asking themselves….”Am I making sex enjoyable for my wife?

    I truly don’t understand.

    Reply
    • Shelly Romig

      Wowy!

      Reply
  2. Nathan

    > > But who decided that women don’t want sex or enjoy sex?

    I’m not sure how that got started. That myth has been around for a while.

    > > If my husband isn’t romancing me & loving me right…why should
    > > I have to give him sex that he doesn’t deserve?

    If a male friend ever complained to me that “my wife isn’t meeting my needs”, I would ask him two things…

    1. Are YOU meeting HER needs?
    2. If Yes, I would then ask have you ever asked her that and gotten an answer FROM her? Or are you just assuming?

    Yes, sex should be mutual, and it’s more than just the physical act. It’s also about emotional, spiritual and romantic bonding. All of that, including the physical part, is important, and should be a mutual act between both, not just something that one person “owes” to the other

    Reply
    • Jane Eyre

      The “myth” got started because sex is downright painful for many women and mediocre for, well, probably a majority of women. It’s just plain better and easier for men, as if God wanted to rub out noses in it.

      Reply
      • Andrea

        ONLY if we define sex in male terms, i.e. penis-in-vagina, which is completely unnecessary unless you’re trying to make a baby. If I were a man I’d feel like God wanted to rub my nose in it by giving women a special organ whose sole purpose is pleasure while men’s pleasure center doubles as a peehole or that the clitoris has no refractory period and can also keep firing off into old age whereas men start needing medicine at some point to get the hydraulics going… As Sheila has written, we need a new definition of sex.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Yes, indeed. I have a post on that here, although I think Jane likely already read it. I am sorry, Jane. I’m sorry that sex has never worked the way you want it to, and the way it should. I understand your anger. I really do. I just urge you to try to reframe it, because you can get through to the other side. It just may take some time.

          Reply
        • Jane Eyre

          Andrea, that is an ignorant and cruel response.

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Jane, I do think that Andrea has a point, though. There are some real pluses about how God created the female body, as I shared in the theology of the clitoris. That DOESN’T mean that intercourse is easy–not at all. I had pain for about 5 years, and then I’ve had other issues on and off, too. But women are capable of multiple orgasms, and we do have a special piece of anatomy just for pleasure. I think we do need a new definition of sex so that it isn’t just about a man putting his penis in her vagina until he climaxes, as I’ve talked about. We need a definition that encompasses a woman feeling good, too, even if that’s not from intercourse. I don’t think that’s an ignorant thing to say. It is just trying to get people to see sex as something bigger than what we normally think, and to consider her needs as well.

      • Belle Grace

        Jane Eyre I believe men that have self-entitlement issues came up with that myth, to redirect the blame onto women.

        This type of man does NOT want to change.

        And he enjoys the power of getting sex he does not deserve. Because if it were really about sex…he wouldn’t be satisfied until it was mutual.

        With their self-entitlement…this variety of man WON’T care if a woman enjoys sex. He believes he has a right to use her body for his own selfish pleasure.

        And his ego tells him that she should enjoy it & if she doesn’t that’s her problem that she needs to fix.

        They blame women instead…because they DON’T want to change.

        Women & wives are constantly communicating to husbands (who don’t want to change)…that they simply want intimacy. Wives want real hugs, kissing, compliments & cuddling that proves that their husbands really want them & not just sex. It’s a reasonable request. Far more reasonable than expecting your wife to lay there like a human toilet to use. That phrase perfectly describes how women feel when men demand unwanted sex.

        I mean we have men & husbands rushing thru real intimacy like it’s the plague. No woman that loves a man wants him to play with her body like some video game. Seriously that’s so demeaning for men to act like they’re touch parts of a woman’s body…just to get to the last level.

        Reply
        • Nick

          Not all women want what you say. Just as an FYI. Some want nothing. Zero. Zilch. I’d pay a million dollars just to touch my wife’s elbow.

          Reply
          • Belle Grace

            Nick, there are different types of men who complain of sexless marriages.

            And the type of men I’m referring to are the self-entitled kind. That type of man wouldn’t want or appreciate touching his wife’s elbow.

            All men don’t operate like this. But this is the type of man/husband that many women write about when they cry out for help. These are the men who drive their wives to pay a million dollars for their husbands not to treat them like animals.

            Unfortunately articles don’t always start off describing what type of husband or wife the story is about. Bad husbands & bad wives use sex like weapons. One’s denying it to inflict pain while the other is forcing it to inflict suffering.

        • Shaun

          I am constantly kissing, hugging, and verbally telling my wife how much I love life with her. She is my dream. I thank God daily that he brought us together. People comment about how special our relationship is, and question if it’s real. We have been through a lot. We pray a lot. But what it really comes down to is I’m the one doing all the romancing. Besides in the very beginning, when she was playful and initiated intimacy, I’ve become the one doing more and more to keep our romance alive. We go through patterns where she’ll try for a while, then basically give up on me for weeks or months. So far it’s always come back around, but it definitely effects my confidence, joy, ability to be excellent in work and play. I don’t like having friends because i feel like a fraud. I don’t want to talk badly about my wife, I love her. But I am deeply effected by her patterns of rejection – not only sexual, but playful romance… I’m probably a jerk for thinking this, but I’ve basically come to the conclusion that women just don’t take relationship/marriage as serious add it should be. They’d rather be independent than truly be one flesh. Having outside approval is more important than their husbands approval, and being gratified by others is needed more than the consistent, long term goal of being in love for life. I know guys can be self centered pigs. So I think what it comes down to for me is, there just aren’t many people who really want to serve and love mutually for a lifetime. Most people just get used to being loved and served and fall into selfish patterns instead of loving and serving in return. I want this for life. I just don’t think my wife cares as much… I find myself on this blog, sad, hurt, and concerned if I can keep serving and loving while on a roller coaster of rejection.

          Reply
      • Eb

        I think it is great for many women. I’m sorry it is not for you. I don’t know the statistics, but I don’t think most women think sex is mediocre or worse. At least I hope not!

        Reply
        • unmowngrass

          Belle Grace — I just wrote a huge reply that got eaten because it was too long. So in summary:
          1) Women can use sex as a weapon too, not just the absence of it. Never seen a femme fatale? And men can withhold as a weapon, too. But mostly I think women shut down more than act out of spite
          2) Around the agricultural revolution (~10,000 years BC) women were so flirty that men couldn’t get anything else done and purposely distanced themselves. Both threw themselves into tasks/took more on to handle the emotional pain and sexual frustration, making busier the default, and it would have broken down as a system except for biology… Sperms left in the tank too long without ejection start to decompose and there’s a physical… desperation? like the edge of a sneeze?… to get them out. Even though his heart is more withdrawn. No one wants to have sex without being turned on, not even men, so their brains rewired to get there more quickly, and that’s where the idea started that women’s pleasure matters less.

          Reply
  3. Phil

    Sheila – as always I thank you for all you do and especially for having us men here with you learning. I do have a story to share here and I will come back to write it. I will just say this for now: I have used this blog to better my life in so many ways. My marriage and my life is so much better because of all the things I learned here and have applied. So if your new here read on with an open mind. Theres nothing like a wonderful marriage. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Thanks for the encouragement, Phil! I’m glad you’re here.

      Reply
  4. Nathan

    Expanding a bit…
    > > so many men & husbands never question their performance in
    > > bed vs complaining about how much sex they don’t get.
    > > Why aren’t men & husbands asking themselves….”Am I making
    > > sex enjoyable for my wife?

    To paraphrase Jesus, it’s easier for us to see the speck in the other person’s eye than the plank in our own. We all need to look in the mirror more often.

    And I’ll echo Phil. This place is primarily oriented toward women, but it’s a good thing that both genders are here. I came here at first to help somebody else, but I’ve learned a lot, too.

    The two biggest things I’ve learned here don’t directly affect my marriage, though. First, that extensive porn use rewires our brains so that we no longer want the real thing and prefer watching a screen. Second, and this is heartbreaking, that there are many women out there who literally BEG their husbands to please have sex with them, but they won’t because they would rather watch porn (these two obviously tie in together).

    But the site itself has also helped me become a better husband. Not perfect, of course, but at least I’m journeying in the right direction!

    So keep up the good work, Sheila!

    Reply
    • Jo

      I always wonder what I did wrong for my spouse to not want sex with me. Perhaps he is watching porn at work maybe or early in the morning while on computer. He has medical issues as well but we are on different libido’s I thought. I want it and he doesn’t. I used to beg but I do not any more because the emotional hurt… I can’t take any longer.

      Reply
    • UndesiredWife

      Unfortunately I’m married to a porn addict who’s never really been interested in me sexually. Didn’t think much of it while we were dating because I thought it was out of respect. (I was so naive. I didn’t even know porn addiction was a thing.) Now it’s been almost 2yrs & he’s never even looked me in the eyes during the few rare times we actually have had sex. When I wouldn’t allow him to watch porn during sex with me, he’d just keep his eyes shut. Learned a lot about PIED over the last couple of years too. It’s definitely changed me, & most definitely not for the better. But rather than seeing what his actions have done to me, he blames it on baggage I’ve carried with me. & forget talking about it. He just gets defensive & then goes on the attack, because I’m just a nag.
      Please please please pray that God will change his heart, & heal mine.

      Reply
  5. Nathan

    Third big thing learned from this site…

    Most men who look at porn are NOT the stereotypical sex starved husbands who are “forced” into that because their wives have lost interest in sex. Many have a good sexual relationship with their wives, then either start looking at porn anyway, or already have a history of it before marriage and continue it into the marriage.

    Reply
  6. A regular reader

    For any new readers who might be where I was–

    I was married for over 25 years without experiencing orgasm, and it’s now a regular part of our sex life. After multiple attempts in the early years of our marriage to bring me to orgasm ended in failure, tears, and frustration, we accepted that my body was just broken, and without any reason to hope for change, I switched off those pleasure pathways and stopped trying to become aroused. I threw myself into pleasing my husband as best as I possibly could.

    Now I know that my husband’s best and most patient attempts only get me about halfway there, 50 out of a 100, and only once has he been able to manually bring me to orgasm, after 4 HOURS of stimulation. I’ve learned that I suffered pelvic trauma somewhere along the line that has caused reduced sensation (little to none on my right side), requiring more intense stimulation than my husband is able to provide. I also had some deeply rooted mistaken ideas about my sexual pleasure, and our marriage needed serious work, as my husband was pathologically self-centered until the past few years, preventing me from feeling safe and cherished.

    It has been hard work, but we are now in a blissfully mutual marriage 95% of the time in all areas.

    This blog, both Sheila and the commenters to this blog, have taught us everything good about sex that our marriage had been missing for all those years. I spent every spare minute for a month or so reading all the TLHV posts on sex that I could find and discuss notable ones with my husband. We bought the 31 days to Great Sex, and I did the course on boosting libido. TLHV has been a huge part of a marital transformation, and we are one very grateful couple.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, that’s amazing! Thank you so much for sharing that!

      Reply
    • Anon Wife

      Wow, that is beautiful. Very happy for you and your husband! I wish I could learn more about how you figured out how to orgasm (wish there was a less creepy way to write that, haha). I’m really scratching my head after 5+ years of marriage. Sheila, above you wrote, “we do have a special piece of anatomy just for pleasure.“ but what if that area never brings that much pleasure? I don’t enjoy being touched there…so much anxiety because it doesn’t really feel good…and moving my husband’s hand or asking him to change feels like bossing him around or nitpicking him

      Reply
      • A regular reader

        Anon, a reader left a comment to this blog explaining that she learned how to become aroused enough to orgasm using the shower head. My husband and I agreed that we wanted to try that. It worked the first time, in 30 minutes. After more than two dozen years of marriage with no orgasm. We use either that or a vibrator as part of lovemaking now, and I’m able to climax one to three times. He takes me as far as possible, then we use one of the tools to help me over the top. It brings both of us so much satisfaction, because he feels I have a lot of years of zero physical pleasure to make up for and pursues me in order to give it to me.

        Reply
  7. Sarah O

    New readers or suffering wives – I completely understand feeling triggered by this post, but please take a deep breath and give the blog a chance.

    Particularly Christian wives, I know we have been subjected to waaaaayyy to much “encouragement” to be sexually available for the wrong reasons, and that makes us super defensive. Sheila is not going to give you another guilt trip. She’s not going to ignore your heart and safety when approaching issues of sex. In fact, if you look around you’ll find a lot of validation, understanding, and encouragement for healthy boundaries around sex. She always advocates that sex should be an expression of a healthy relationship between two healthy people, and she speaks STRONGLY against any other type.

    If your husband sent this to you, YOU are the best judge for whether his intentions were loving or not, but I guarantee you no one is able to weaponize this blog coercively. If he thinks this is going to be a resource that forces you to overlook your relationship in favor of his sexual needs he has just taken a serious misstep.

    With all that in mind, if your husband is loving, a good (if flawed) man who is trying his best, and sex is just not working for you – this is a really wonderful place for you to be, and you are exactly the wife this invitation is for. You will get practical, compassionate advice that’s never raunchy, and a view of sex that actually includes YOU!

    Can not recommend Sheila highly enough!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Thank you so much, Sarah!

      Reply
    • Fiona

      The problem for me and these blogs is that I’ve become totally overwhelmed and obsessed by them to the point that I am going to have to step away and distance myself from them. Sheila mentions links to other blogs in one of her comments. Nooo, even more stuff to become mired in. My poor brain can’t process all this ‘advice’. These blogs bring me no peace! I am in the process of reading a book on my kindle which is more helpful. It contains no personal information about the author, just straightforward advice. Each to their own, but I’m blogged out.

      Reply
  8. Terry

    I have been married 20 years. For about the last 15 intimacy has steadily dropped off. Maybe once a month. Now lately it has been a lot less. I have always focused on her. That is how I am. I get pleasure from her pleasure. I understand she has some female issues so she only is available to have sex about 1 week out of the month. I can live with that. Now when we have sex its always the same thing. In the dark, under the covers, same thing every time. I know she is not happy with her body but I love the way she looks and I tell her often. She has always suffered from poor self image, however she is an incredibly intelligent and strong willed woman and is highly respected at her job. Lately I have given up. I am depressed and lonely. Now my self worth has disappeared and my professional life is suffering. What can I do?

    Reply
    • A.

      I feel the exact same way! I’m afraid for the future of my marriage. It’s broken and not sure it can be fixed. I am in a tough position because I feel if I say something, it will only make things worse. Several years ago, I noticed that I was unhappy because I was sexually unsatisfied. About five years ago, I told my wife that I wanted sex more often than she wanted it. She used to say that I was just a horn dog. I also asked her to initiate because she rarely or never did. I explained to her that it isn’t just the act of sex that I wanted. I explained that it was more than the physical act. I want her to want me. I want her to desire me the way I desired her. I feel like when she does have sex with me, she is just doing it out of obligation and throwing me a bone. I feel like she doesnt enjoy sex
      and just can’t wait for it to be over. I used to initiate all of the time. I also get turned down a lot. I’ve been hurt by this and rarely initiate any more for fear of being rejected. We have sex 1 maybe 2 times a month. Most of the time, it feels like her obligatory bone and I don’t feel the connection that I want to feel. I am afraid to discuss it with my wife because she just does not understand and is content with the one or two times we have sex each month. We have two kids, 11 and 13. Rarely find time for intimacy. Married for 17 years now.

      Reply
    • Justin Foyer Remy

      I’m in similar shoes as most of you men. I’m 39, have been married 17 years, have 4 kids. My wife has self-image issues with her body I know and I believe that to be the biggest culprit to our waning sex-life (avg 1-2/mo). Even though it’s common, I find it remarkable that I cannot seem to pray away the feeling of rejection. I have begged God to remove or at least reduce my sexual desire for intimacy with my wife — who I love with my whole being. Bc my wife is so intent on Spirit-driven marriage, she refuses counseling and even reading marriage-related books as a couple — which surprises me greatly! I was encouraged even as a teen to seek marriage counseling “before it was needed” as soon as I wed.

      Getting to the point, I have to self-improve alone on this point I think. And I’d LOVE advice for how to gently encourage my wife in freeing her mind from the unfair disingenuous teaching she has had (and I have too) from our culture about obligation, shame, all that. I will return to read any advice you may have. But for the wife who shies away from this subject with vigor, I’m really going to have to seek advice for JUST me. (Broken hearted in New York.)

      Reply
  9. Angela

    I have seen another Christian blogger who urges husbands NOT to show their wives her posts as it can make things worse and cause resentment. If I were in a bad place I would not have liked my husband to show me this blog. I’d feel such pressure and the weight of his expectation that this was going to ‘fix’ things. Not everyone would respond well to this and it might just make things worse.

    Reply

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