10 Tips for Newlywed Brides Who Haven’t Had an Orgasm Yet

by | Oct 8, 2019 | Uncategorized | 24 comments

What do you do if you’re in the newlywed phase, but you’ve never had an orgasm?

This week we’ve been talking about the “figuring things out” stage of sex, and I’ve been explaining that, for most people, the best years of sex in marriage are not actually the honeymoon years. They’re years 16-24. For most, it takes a while for things to start working great!

That doesn’t mean, though, that I think people should just put their feet up and give up and think, “oh, well, I guess it will take 10 years or so for this to feel better.” Not at all! In fact, I think if we can understand the dynamics that often cause sex not to be great right off the bat, then we can make better progress and really experience some bliss.

Yesterday I was addressing those for whom the honeymoon years have come and gone, and who need to grieve what they have missed out on. Today I want to talk to those of you who are still in those years, to encourage you that things can get better, and hopefully quickly, too!

1. Don’t be content with one-sided sex.

Yes, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

We aren’t to deprive each other, that’s true. But take a closer look at this passage. BOTH the husband and wife owe something to one another. It isn’t a one-sided thing; wives are not to be deprived either! If you are in the newlywed phase, and you are having sex but he is the only one having an orgasm, then you are the one being deprived. And it’s biblical to speak up and ask for your needs to be considered as well, because you matter. Sex is supposed to be mutual. 

Last week a woman left this comment on an older post:

When we were newlyweds my husband didn’t seem to care much for my pleasure at all. He wanted it almost every night, but he’d rush through it and go back to watching football. The whole process lasted 10 minutes, if that. He came from a very strict evangelical background, where he was taught the wife was supposed to be “always available”. On the other hand, my parents are atheists and my upbringing was very secular, to put it mildly. I didn’t find the Lord until I was 25, and I had prior relationships. So the attitude he brought to the marriage was appalling to me. I tried gently explaining to him several times, but it fell on deaf ears. Finally I just told him we weren’t having sex until he at least made an effort to make it pleasurable for me as well. That went over like a lead balloon. He got angry. He sulked. He consulted our pastor, who got his wife to take me aside for a chat. She told me “As women, our job is to be available whenever called upon.” I remember getting angry and telling her that I ought to just buy him a flesh light. He can call on that, because he’s treating me like one.

The thing is, I’m the kind of girl who likes her husband to take the lead in the bedroom. But I had to take the reins myself and insist that he learn how to make love to me instead of using me. And I mean insist as in “I won’t let you inside me until you put forth your best effort at making me feel good.” Eventually his libido got the better of him and he gave in. It was a long process but he slowly and steadily got better. And as he improved, our overall intimacy improved as well. He later confessed that growing up he was told that the only thing women really get out of sex is babies. It makes me so angry that some people actually believe that.

On a positive note, nowadays things are 1000% better. He’s a wonderful husband and lover. But back then I was a very new Christian, and I had doubts about whether or not I was doing the right thing.

The fact that Christians talk about sex as if the husband’s pleasure is all that matters is so distressing to me. She was not refusing sex; she was refusing one-sided sex. She was saying, “I will not be treated like an object. That is diminishing the worth that God has given me, and diminishing the beauty that God created sex for.” I’m so, so sorry that the message that has been taught in churches (and in best-selling books like Love & Respect) has been far too often that women owe men sex, and that women need to agree to their own objectification. That is such a distortion of God’s plan for sexuality. (and to understand that plan better, please see The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!)

So it’s okay to speak up and say,

“Babe, I want to have as much sex with you as I can! But it needs to be about both of us. And we have to figure this out now. I don’t want to be treated as an appendage that you use. So let’s work on this together!”

2. Understand that the patterns you develop now around sex will be much harder to untangle in the future.

Here’s why this is so important: It’s much harder to undo habits that  have already been established than it is to establish new ones. The longer you say nothing and allow him to have intercourse while you feel very little, the more he will think, “I must be a good lover, because she’s not saying anything,” and “the problem is with her and she needs to figure this out.” He won’t realize that this isn’t YOUR problem; it’s a COUPLE problem. And it needs both of you to engage to fix it. But the longer you let it go on like this, then the more difficult it will be when you finally want to insist that things become more mutual.

3. Realize that most women reach orgasm easier for the first time through something other than intercourse.

So you want to speak up and do something about it. Great! But where do you start?

First, realize that it’s easier for most women to reach orgasm first through direct stimulation (either manual or oral) than it is with intercourse. That’s because it’s the clitoris that gives women the most sexual pleasure, and it’s harder to stimulate the clitoris through intercourse than it is through other means. That doesn’t mean that you can’t reach orgasm through intercourse. However, orgasm becomes easier when you understand what it feels like and understand what precedes orgasm, so that you can “ride the wave” of the orgasm. Learning this when you’re able to concentrate on what he’s doing without having to feel like you need to reciprocate in some way or without being distracted by other stimulation through intercourse is often easier.

One of the blocks that couples need to overcome is the idea that “he enjoys sex” and “she doesn’t enjoy sex” so the solution must be that she just needs to learn how to enjoy sex! But that’s seeing sex through a husband’s lens. The truth is that most women enjoy things differently than most men do. Women do not have to catch up to men. Instead, our bodies (and specifically our clitorises)  were created so that men would have to slow down and spend some time concentrating on women.

4. Take your time–and figure out what arouses you!

This means that you’ll have to dedicate some time to figuring it out. One thing I suggest in 31 Days to Great Sex is to set the timer for 15 minutes, and during that time she isn’t allowed to move. He just gets to touch her or stimulate her. Sometimes we women feel like we’re taking too long, and “I should be aroused by now”, so we short-circuit the process. Give yourself permission to not short-circuit it! Let yourself be the centre of attention for a time, without having to feel like you have to reciprocate.

It’s not that you won’t ever reciprocate, but for most women, reaching orgasm does require some concentration. If you’re simultaneously thinking about how to make him feel good, it can be difficult to get enough stimulation. So take that time. And if you need more than 15 minutes, take it! It may even be a good idea if you’ve been married for a while and you’ve never reached orgasm yet to set aside an entire Saturday when you’re going to spend it in bed, figuring this out.

Get some snacks and water and chocolate handy by the bed, and try some stimulation for half an hour, and then have a bath together, and then try again, and then transition to a naked massage, and then try again, and then try a shower together…and so on.

But keep going until you figure it out!

Do you want MORE for your sex life?

Book Cover for "31 Days to Great Sex"

The 31 Days to Great Sex Challenge was written to help you spice it up in the bedroom! 

Try new things, explore each other, and turn on those fireworks!

5. Direct him–using your hand–so you have constant bio-feedback.

To get super practical, one thing that can help is that you hold his hand, or a few fingers, and rub yourself with them. That way he learns how you like to be touched. And because you’re receiving the feedback from your own body, you’ll adjust the pressure and timing as arousal builds. Then he can get used to seeing what that arousal looks like/feels like. I realize this is something that takes a bit of confidence, and can make some of you feel awkward. But it is a great way to teach him. And, hey, you can always return the favour and he can show you what feels good, too!

If you just can’t do this, then play the “do you like it this way or that way” game. Have him try one thing for one minute, and then another for one minute, and you decide which is better. And then he can keep varying the technique until you find something that works perfectly!

6. Practice being mentally present and “ride the wave”

Orgasm is very difficult if you’re worried or preoccupied about anything else. So don’t let yourself wonder what he’s thinking. Don’t let yourself feel self-conscious. Keep telling yourself, “My husband wants to learn how to make me feel good, and he’s enjoying this!”

If you find other things entering into your brain, try to shut them off by asking yourself, “what feels good now? What is my body feeling?” Keep that running commentary going in your brain, and it’s less likely stray thoughts will take over.

BOTH the husband and wife owe something to one another.

7. Change up your breathing, and tense & relax

Sometimes changing up your breathing can also help orgasm happen. I wish I could give you a definitive one on this, but different women respond differently. So I’d just say this: if what you’re doing isn’t working, change it up! For some women, holding their breath so you get that blood rush helps orgasm. It also helps you concentrate and builds urgency. For others, they’ve held their breath so much that oxygen levels are getting lower and that makes orgasm more difficult. Tensing your muscles in your legs and buttocks can also help build orgasm (and tilting your pelvis forward can direct pressure and blood flow on the clitoris), but for others, relaxing helps.

If you’ve been doing it one way and it’s not working, try the opposite. Either hold your breath and tense, or relax and breathe deeply. And you may find that relaxing and breathing deeply works well until you’re almost there–and then holding your breath is better. Squeezing your vaginal muscles (doing Kegel exercises) can also build arousal. Just try a whole bunch of things, and see what helps!

(One tip: once you do reach orgasm, try relaxing and deep breathing, and you’re more likely to turn it into multiple orgasms!)

8. Vary up the type of stimulation

If him rubbing your clitoris with your fingers is becoming too intense or too much, have him switch to a flat hand instead of a finger. Or have him pay some attention to your breasts. Sometimes, too, things that we don’t particularly like when we’re not very aroused become much more pleasurable right before orgasm. Many women don’t like their nipples touched, for instance, but right before orgasm they do. So if you’ve told him you don’t like one thing, don’t be afraid to try it again later. And many women find that oral sex is more pleasurable than him using his fingers. If you’re nervous about suggesting different things, try something fun like our Sexy Dares!

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what’s holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

9. Understand how hormones & contraception can affect your ability to respond sexually.

Many women report that they have a much easier time reaching orgasm once going off the Pill. The contraceptive pill does affect hormone levels, which are largely responsible for arousal. You can read what my readers have said about the Pill here. 

Our hormone levels do naturally fluctuate over the course of our menstrual cycles, too, and, in general, women tend to be more sexually responsive right before ovulation. If you’re going to set aside that Saturday to try for an extended period of time, choose a day before ovulation, not one right after!

10. Do your research–and keep researching!

Finally, keep reading, keep trying new things, and don’t give up! One commenter said:

My husband was so patient and understanding when we got married and it really paid off in the long run. When things weren’t working we read Christian marriage books, talked about it, and practiced until we figured things out. He never made me feel bad that it was more difficult for me than for him. He is reaping the rewards now lol I’m actually really proud of myself for speaking up as much as I did early on, which can sometimes be tough for me. That’s the best advice of all! – EM

And I have a number of resources that make this research project super fun! Try our Orgasm Course if you’ve never had an orgasm. And if you’re still new at this, and orgasm hasn’t become that frequent, try our Sexy Dares, too. You can get there! And I hope this helps.

Let me know–any other questions? Any other tips? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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24 Comments

  1. Natalie

    Wow! Great selection of effective, concise advice! This was the post I needed 5 years ago today when I was putting the final touches on my wedding and honeymoon plans. (Finding your blog back then in general would’ve done me wonders!)

    Basically what you’re recommending is something called Sensate Focus. It’s a Masters & Johnson technique. It’s basically mindfulness in the bedroom & taking time to experience each other. There’s lots online about it.

    [Editor’s note; I just deleted part of this comment because I have such a wide range of people on this blog, I want to be careful what other resources I recommend. But I’m totally cool with you, Natalie! Thanks for your heart! 🙂 ]

    Man, that first poster’s comment reminds me so much of my first years of marriage! I too told my husband “no more sex till you slow down and lose weight/get rid of your gut cuz it’s effecting our sex life” (I should’ve said “it’s effecting my pleasure. I can’t even reach my clit during sex unless you’re in doggy and I don’t want to exclusively do that for the rest of our years”, but I honestly didn’t think my pleasure was that important at that time. Evangelical upbringing too). Thankfully not too much time has passed for us. But after even only 5 years and having sex probably less than 200 times total within that 5 years, habits have already become VERY engrained! It’s amazing how quickly bad habits form and take old! I hope many many Christian soon-to-be-married’s find this post and take it to heart! It’ll do then a world of good!!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Those habits do become ingrained, Natalie! It’s so tough to break them. But it’s so much easier to do early in the marriage. I wish someone had spelled all this out to me earlier, too. And, yes, focusing on your body and on sensations does help women let go for sure.

      Reply
    • T. W.

      Hi Shela
      I have two things.
      First, about the popular marriage book Love and Respect, I haven’t read it, but it has often been a suggested read from many of my friends. I have appreciated knowing your concerns with the book and think that has been my reasoning behind avoiding it. Even as facilitators of a marriage study small group at our church we’ve never used that book. But I am curious if otherwise you would say the book is beneficial? I think I’ve learned enough from you and J.Parker to know better than to let that kind of thinking slide without pointing it out and challenging that thinking (in our group).

      Secondly, on a way different note, I am always surprised that in all the reading I’ve done I’ve never seen much said about the the woman helping stimulate her clitoris during sex. One of the commenters mentioned it above, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen that in an article. As a new bride, I found it was necessary to keep the direct stimulation going during the act. With a little lube on my fingers I’d reach down and do the rubbing while he’d do the rest of the “work” and that was the key to success!! It was only after years that we have more “hands-free” experiences that “hands-on”.
      I was having that special conversation with my sister and her matron of honor before her wedding and I told her, “You guys work on it together, if things aren’t working right in a year, call me. I’ll tell you my secret.” Her sweet (married) best friend quietly asked if I could just tell them now. The only way she and her hubby were able to accomplish her O was to use some vibrating ring that he slips on to stimulate her!! That’s not okay. Oh honey! Okay, fine. Obviously the issue is stimulation during the act. It’s time for you to get involved and help your man out. (BTW, it doesn’t work as well for him to try and do this because he has to turn his hand over to do it properly, causing his knuckles to jab into you while he stays on top (in a standard missionary position.) But your hand is flat and can more comfortably stay where you want it!) So I told my sister and her friend my “secret”. I hope it helped. I just find it interesting that I’ve never seen it talked about from an advice column.
      Thanks for your work. I have appreciated you.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Yes, absolutely, that’s a great tip for many women, and it does work!

        As for Love & Respect, no, I’d never say the book is at all beneficial. It’s toxic when it comes to sex and it’s toxic when it comes to marriage. The cumulative effect of hearing over and over that a man has needs, whereas women only have wants, and a man can’t give love if he isn’t respected, and men need sex and women don’t–well, it’s just a recipe for disaster all round. Truly abysmal that Christians have considered this one of the best marriage books. We have to demand better. Please don’t do a study on it. Find an actually good book that isn’t harmful–and I’ll be writing a post on this coming up, on why it’s not okay to accept that all books will harm in some way, so we just need to take the bad with the good. No, most books don’t harm. We should demand better!

        Reply
      • TigerGirl

        That stimulation information is in Ed Wheat’s classic Christian sex book called “Intended for Pleasure”

        Reply
    • Scott

      “…in doggy and I don’t want to exclusively do that for the rest of our years”

      On the lighter side, amazing how different my wife is. As I’ve worked to expand our bedroom repertoire lately, my wife literally said “You know that I’d be perfectly happy doing doggy every single time.”

      More seriously, I think a major inhibitor for us realizing things weren’t what they were supposed to be in the bedroom is that she did enjoy PIV every time, often quite a bit. Thus, her not O-ing never really made us think we were missing out, as we heard/read far worse things. This is something that I don’t think was covered by the article–her genuine enjoyment of what we did kept us from realizing that we could do more. Sure, we would do oral to get her even higher and really close to going all the way, but she would often end up overly stimulated, frustrated, and unable to sleep after oral. I really think that was one reason she started refusing it over time. Eventually, my big wakeup call came several months ago when she was completely touched out (a few months after our final baby was born) and didn’t want me near her. She would still do PIV sometimes (and liked it!), but no kissing, hugging, other touching, etc. That’s when I realized something was wrong, and my resulting research showed me just how bad our sex life had drifted over the last 6 yr, plus how it had never gotten where it should have even in the beginning.

      So for those of you that enjoy it but don’t go all the way–don’t settle for where you’re at!

      -Scott

      Reply
      • Natalie

        Very true, Scott! Don’t settle for the non-orgasmic status quo and don’t settle for an enjoyable but stagnant sex life (unless you both genuinely have no desire to change anything because you’re both so totally content. I think that can happen, but only for a season in life. All things must change eventually).
        And when I mentioned doggy, I wasn’t knocking that as a position. But if that’s the primary/only position that’s possible, I find it causes your sex life to lack A LOT of intimacy since there’s no face-to-face time during PIV. It’s a sure fire way for the wife to start feeling like a sperm receptacle real quickly!

        Reply
        • Scott

          Hi Natalie,

          Just thought the doggy comment was funny because it was literally the exact opposite of what my wife said, and it was just a week or so ago you said that my wife sounded a lot like you on another thread. But I can certainly understand why some women would find it degrading even if my wife doesn’t. It’s her favorite position by far (though recently rivaled by our success with side-of-the bed positions like Butterfly 🙂 ).

          Since I like to have a serious contribution with each comment, I do urge you to continue pushing your husband to get healthy. I saw your comment about his medical issue. I lost my mom to cancer in her mid-50’s, and she had been overweight basically my entire life, which might have contributed, we’ll never know. My wife is currently working to lose a lot of excess weight now that we’re done with kids, and I told her I’d do anything she wanted to help in that area because I didn’t want our kids to end up like me and lose their mom early. I didn’t intend for it to be so serious/grave, but I really think that caught her ear. Also, 30 isn’t all that old and you haven’t missed much yet, if anything, due to just age. That was 6-7 yr ago for us, and while my physical drive has gone down just a bit, the increase in my emotional drive has more than compensated and has made me a much more attentive lover! I’ve heard that’s true of a lot of guys.

          Good luck!

          -Scott

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            That’s so true about age, Scott! And I totally hear you about not wanting to lose your wife early (or for the kids to lose their mom). Hope that goes well for you both!

      • Jane Eyre

        Random: if your wife has a retroverted uterus, certain positions will be a lot easier for her.

        Reply
      • HM

        I have been married for nearly two years and have had a baby, and I still have never had an orgasm. I had a difficult delivery. It has been nearly six months since I gave birth, and intercourse is still painful for me in most positions. My husband and I have only found one position I can tolerate. (Yes, I have seen a doctor but was uncomfortable with her solution. She wanted me to use an estrogen capsule thing in my vagina, but I was scared to use it because I am breast feeding and didn’t want to harm my baby.)
        Also, my husband loves oral sex, so we have been doing a lot of oral sex to make up for the times when we don’t have penetrative sex, but most of the time, it ends up being very one sided, and I don’t enjoy it. Help!

        Reply
        • Joanna Sawatsky

          Hi HM,

          I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I had a difficult delivery too, which caused a lot of scarring. Have you considered a pelvic floor physiotherapist? The one that I went to was wonderful and professional and she really did help me so much. The work she did doesn’t require any medication, so perhaps that would be a better fit for you while breastfeeding?

          I’d also really recommend Sheila’s book 31 Days to Great Sex. Some of the days are about sexual encounters but largely it’s a way to talk together about what you both want and to get you thinking about the “why” of sex. Hope that helps!

          Reply
    • Antonymous

      Hi Natalie, just a curiousity, but I thought it was easier to reach and stimulate your clit, while he is doing you lying on your back, well unless you have one hand free when done from behind, I dunno. I figured one might use an arm transversal to relax your head on or maybe a pillow and reaching your clit with the other :), while in other position both handre are needed to grab the prop you’re leaning on to, so to say.
      Sorry if indiscrete

      Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Number 2 tip is so true. My wife has been unable to orgasm in the 40 years that we have been married. Between bad teaching and many physical health issues, she has never been able to experience the “O”. We still have “pleasurable times” together so maybe one day it might happen for her.

    Reply
  3. Anon

    And what do you do when none of it works?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m so sorry! I know that’s really tough. I’d just say that you’re not broken. You’re really not. It sometimes just takes a long time, and sometimes we have to look at whether there are other factors: Feeling like sex is shameful; not feeling close to your husband; feeling used by your husband; any of those things. It’s so multi-faceted. I do want to make a course on this soon, I just have so much on my plate right now. But I know it’s an issue that so many people have. Just keep trying, give yourself time, and above all, don’t give yourself negative messages. Don’t think, “I’m failing again.” Think instead, “Soon I’m going to understand what all the fuss is about!”

      Reply
  4. Patrick Anthony

    Hi. I started reading your blog and books back in February, and my eyes have been opened. Over our 33 years of marriage, it has almost always been about me being stimulated, making love, my climax, the end. I now feel that both of us have missed out on SO much over the years. I now also realize that I never made my wife believe that she is sexy. She has put on quite a bit of weight and definitely does not feel sexy. I am trying to make things right now, but it is rough going. She still makes herself available to me pretty much any time, but she goes to my penis right away, then wants to jump my bones and seemingly get it over with ASAP. Obviously I enjoy it, but I now want so much more for her…and me. I truly enjoy giving manual and oral, but she doesn’t seem to want to take the time. Help! BTW, I laugh uncontrollably for a couple of minutes after orgasm. Does anybody else experience this?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Laughter after orgasm is actually very common, so yes. It’s a hormonal reaction.

      That’s wonderful that you’re starting to see sex in a new way! I think the issue for your wife may be that if sex has never been good for her, she’s gotten used to thinking that it’s a duty she’ll never like, and to slow down and try to feel something herself just feels like you’re now making her go through the motions for even longer. It really needs to start with some open communication, I think, when you tell her that you feel badly for what’s happened in your marriage, you think it’s been very one-sided, and you want to help her feel good, too. But it may take some time for her to have a mind shift, because 33 years is a long time to think that you’re not a sexual being (which is likely how she feels!). So be patient, apologize, and be really vulnerable wtih her.

      Reply
      • Patrick Anthony

        Thanks so much. It’s kind of funny (not really), but we did Day 5 of “31 Days “ yesterday ( We got it in February). My wife was very wary. I have been apologizing very sincerely many times, and did so on our “date” yesterday at 4 PM! It was going well. She loosened up , closed her eyes and concentrated. She was oh so close a couple of times, then said forget it after about 20 minutes. I felt so badly, like I had failed her. We then made love, I came, which was great for me, but I was so disappointed. This has happened a few times, and I end up feeling dejected and placated. You are so right, Sheila. This is going to take time. I feel like I’m in the second half of “The Wizard of Oz,” and she is still in a first half. Thanks so much for your ministry. All glory to God.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          It does take a while, Patrick. I’m glad she was able to relax a little bit. That at least is a victory.

          Reply
      • Patrick Anthony

        BTW, I have always been into bodybuilding and fitness, and yes, fitness models😢, and am still quite fit, which isn’t really helping the situation.

        Reply
  5. Anonymous

    I have a couple questions. (And I’ll try not to write too much!!)

    1) I love sexual intimacy with my husband, but often after sex or my orgasm I feel instantly disconnected, sad, or depressed. I have never experienced any kind of abuse or anything like that, and we have a great sex life and my husband is amazing and so attentive to me and makes sure that I feel good. I don’t know what this could be other than a hormone imbalance or something? I have struggled with severe depression in the past, but I’ve been doing well lately and I thought sex was supposed to make you feel close.

    2) I’m blessed to have been able to orgasm on our second night of marriage…once by my husband’s hands and once by vibrator. But since then, only a vibrator has worked to get me there. I really want him to work on me with his hands, but it often hurts or feels irritating. I don’t even like to touch there to show him what to do because that hurts or physically bothers me too. I’m not sure how to make it better, but I really don’t want to just experience climaxes from a vibrator.

    Sorry if this is tmi, and thanks in advance for any advice!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Hi Anonymous, No problem at all! As for feeling sad or depressed afterwards, it’s called post-coital dysphoria, and it is related to hormones. I’ve got a post about that here.

      As for the other, it could be that you’re touching too low down on your clitoris (closer to your urethra) which can be very irritating. Try putting pressure above the clitoris (like towards your belly button direction) putting pressure on the clitoris downward, but now actually rubbing on top of it. That may work a little bit better!

      Reply
  6. Mari

    I so appreciate all the practical advice in this post!

    I do have to say that I do find it discouraging when I read here that I’m missing out on so much because I haven’t yet been able to climax. My husband is such a patient, generous lover who would a thousand times rather make me orgasm than have one himself, and I feel sad and frustrated when an hour of his best efforts stimulating me lead to nothing. Manual stimulation often feels very intense, but not necessarily pleasurable. It’s hard to “chase” pleasure when I don’t even feel any?

    Reply

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