Have more sex questions you can’t ask your pastor?
It’s podcast day–and in the month of July I’m tackling all kinds of awkward sex questions!
(And don’t forget my webinar TONIGHT at 9 pm EST! Your ticket to the webinar covers not just me answering a ton of questions, but also a FREE copy of 31 Days to Great Sex and my 24 Sexy Dares! Check it out).
Today I tackled a number on fantasies, dissociation, and even whether sex toys could have medical application. And, of course, we’ve got our podcast on YouTube now, too, so you can watch and not just listen!
And here it is if you’d rather watch!
Okay, so let’s look at some of the questions that were asked:
What if you “check out” during sex and fantasize instead?
We had two questions along these lines–one where a husband was doing it and one where a wife was, and wanted to stop.
We have been married over several decades. He started using porn as a teenager and through our first decade of marriage (when I found out). We went through a recovery program and I believe he hasn’t used porn since. He is a wonderful husband and father and I know he loves me. The issue is this – when we are intimate, sometimes I can tell when he’s “checked out” and is imagining something different. The last time this happened, I said “Are you somewhere else?” His response was “Yes, I was outside in the back yard with you”. So basically I pulled him back to reality with me in our bedroom. And then he couldn’t orgasm. It makes me feel like I’m not enough. Even if he’s not fantasizing about someone else, he’s still not with me in the moment. I’m lying there naked, with him, having sex, and I still feel like he’s not there. Am I wrong to feel upset by this?
My struggle with sex in my marriage is that 90% of the pleasure from it is cognitive in nature: fantasy, recalling things from romance novels, or porn. As a woman that is incredibly isolating. My husband is very generous in bed and is frustrated that I’m often not in the mood. We are both Christians, and I am often not in the mood because I am trying to keep my mind pure.
I just am not aroused by thinking of my husband in various scenarios but am far more drawn to fantasy and fiction. He in turn wants to encourage me to read romance novels, imagine anything I want fantasy wise, and even view porn together. I feel caught between my flesh and my spirit. Like my options are puritanical, boring, unfulfilled sex with a pure mind, or hot and dirty sex where my mind is engaged, but I feel awful when I go to church.
I love my husband dearly, but it is a huge struggle because I just don’t feel turned on unless there is something “naughty or wrong” about it and thinking of my husband that way is not only not wrong, it’s expected.
Is it wrong to engage in some of these “extra-curricular activities”, if it makes the sex better between the husband and wife, or is it just always wrong? If it’s always wrong, then what do you do when only thinking of your husband doesn’t cut it for your and you have an overactive mind?
Okay, Rebecca and I went back and forth on this a lot in the podcast, but very quickly, here we go: sex is supposed to be intimate by joining the two of you. If you’re fantasizing about someone else to get aroused (or remembering porn, novels, etc) then you’re using something else to get aroused, focusing on that, and using your spouse more like a sex toy. It’s not an experience WITH your spouse if your brain is somewhere else.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t fantasize about your spouse while you’re having sex, or that sexy thoughts or wrong. And everyone has fantasies to a certain extent, and these can actually reveal quite a bit about our sexuality (maybe more on that a different day). It’s just that we shouldn’t be needing to get different scenarios in our heads involving different people to get aroused.
Here are some other posts that can help:
31 Days to Great Sex also has a day when we specifically talk about how to stay mentally present when you make love, and how to talk to your spouse about it if you’re fighting having to fantasize to get aroused, so that you can learn how to listen to your body instead. If this is a conversation you need to have, 31 Days to Great Sex can help you have it so it’s not as awkward!
My Husband Prefers Oral Sex to Intercourse
A woman writes:
Wondering what your advice would be for my situation- I’ve been married to my husband for well over a decade. I was fairly young when we got married and it took me a few years before my first orgasm. My husband struggles with premature ejaculation but we seem to have found ways to work around it (delay sprays/ condoms) which has definitely helped . However, my husband , given the choice, would always pick oral sex over intercourse. He “compromises” with sex and says if we are being sexual together then that is sex. He feels because he takes time with foreplay for me that he should get the same amount of time on foreplay for him. I didn’t realize guys need foreplay as they always seem ready lol. I don’t mind doing it occasionally if it makes him happy but I just feel that it’s not the same as intercourse (or what God intended) I just don’t feel the same connection. Are we both being selfish? Really not sure how to move forward from this.
I actually get this one a lot–where a husband especially would rather forego intercourse and just get oral sex. In this case, it’s likely a multi-faceted issue because intercourse is stressful since he suffers from premature ejaculation.
I’d just say that sex is supposed to be mutual. Having sex where one person gets served and the other doesn’t isn’t right. So spend a ton of time on foreplay. Make sure that she is reaching orgasm in some way. Don’t forsake intercourse but keep trying the techniques. And every now and then, by all means, make sex about him. But this shouldn’t be a regular occurrence.
Other posts that can help:
Can a Vibrator Be Medical?
A woman is prescribed a vibrator, and wonders if this is even okay:
I have been going by pelvic floor physical therapy after giving birth to my second child. I have had trouble having an orgasm and I have sensation issues. When we are having intercourse I can’t feel my husband very well and my orgasms are overall weaker and harder to attain. My PT recommended a vibrator to increase blood flow to the pelvis and to increase sensation. She said it’s no different than a vibrating back massager or vibrator used for other body muscles- it improves sensation and blood flow. My stand on vibrators has always been no because I don’t want to depend on them to have an orgasm. And I want my pleasure to come from my husband not a machine. He would be All for getting one if I need to. I just don’t know in this situation. I want to have great orgasms and a pleasurable sex life. Would it be wrong to get a vibrator for this situation?
My quick answer: if your pelvic floor physiotherapist or doctor thinks something will help, it’s okay to listen. What they’re talking about here is increasing blood flow and sensation, and vibrators can certainly help with that.
I do think that, in general, when you’re having problems reaching orgasm, using a vibrator isn’t always the best answer (though I know it has helped some, and I’m not saying there’s a 100% rule or anything!). But that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking medical.
And here’s where Rebecca and I went on a quick rant about how the vagina isn’t always sexual; sometimes it’s just part of the body and needs to be treated as such! Katie even took that clip out of the podcast and made it its own video if you just want to watch this part. 🙂
You may also enjoy:
My Husband Likes it When I Moan–But I’m Shy!
My husband recently told me he really enjoys when I moan, or make noises and he would love it if I did it more often . I usually only moan during orgasm (which has to be done orally) I am a very shy gal, and feel so self conscious about how I sound, or what to say. I enjoy sex most of the time just have never really been a “loud” person??
Honestly, a lot of this comes down to our view of sex, and how to see it as a good thing, and see yourself as a sexual person, and not feel so awkward about it. There’s no magic formula for that, but I do recommend reading through The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (It’s on sale this month!), and then working through 31 Days to Great Sex together. Talk about these things, see how God made sex–and maybe you’ll feel less awkward!
So that’s it for today. Whew. Lots of questions. And lots more coming in our webinar tonight!
Other Posts in the Sex Questions Series:
SEX QUESTIONS SERIES: Who’s the REAL Sex Expert for Your Questions
The Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor Podcast!
10 Quick Newlywed Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor
PODCAST: Newlywed Sex Questions Edition
PODCAST EXTRAS: Sometimes a Vagina is Just a Vagina
What do you think? How do you stay mentally present during sex and stop fantasizing? Are you shy and find it hard to “moan”? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of Bare Marriage
Dads shouldn't need their adult daughters to give them adulation and affection. That's called...
Growing up, we hear, over and over again: "Just wait for the wedding night! The wedding night will...
So many women--and many men as well--honestly feel like the church is hurting them. I do not...
Can sex be hot and holy at the same time? One of my big picture passions that I want people to...
This week, as we've celebrated one year of The Great Sex Rescue, I've received some amazing...
I truly believe that most guys are good guys. I often get accused of hating men, but that's...
Let's talk about the echoes of menstruation. Yesterday on the podcast, we were discussing how...
This has been a week of great thrills and great disappointments. Thankfully, the thrills were...