This week on our podcast is all newlywed sex questions!
Welcome to episode 65 of our Bare Marriage podcast–and the third podcast that is also up on YouTube! So you can watch & listen or just listen!
We’re in the middle of our Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor series, to celebrate the launch of 31 Days to Great Sex, my awesome book that challenges couples to work step-by-step to build an amazing sex life. Experience real breakthroughs while you laugh along the way!
Normally on the podcast my daughter Rebecca joins me, but this week Katie jumped in, since she’s the more newlywed of my two daughters. Plus she edits the videos. Plus I was visiting her. So it all works out! And, hey, it’s time I scarred her by making her talk about this stuff with me and not just her big sister!
Or watch right here!
We tackled these questions:
1. My wedding’s coming up and I’m anxious about sex
I’m getting married this summer, and the closer I get, the more nervous I get about sex. I’m about to start reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and love listening to your podcast and reading blog posts, you’ve really helped me a lot, but I need help.
My parents never really talked about sex much, and so even now, after learning so much from you and finally talking to my mother more after getting engaged, it makes me nervous. Not only because it feels so foreign though (and I HATE unknowns), but also because I have health issues. I have a wonderful fiancé who takes care of me and truly wants to serve me through this and make me feel good, but doing anything new physically scares me. I have terrible migraines and a form of POTS that have been so bad lately that it makes me worry about. . . anything. Everything. I hate it, and I’m trying to focus on God’s word and find peace. But this is one area that just keeps bringing up my anxiety, and I don’t know what to do.
He’s already told me he just wants to make sure I feel comfortable, that I’m at home, not too push myself, we’ll take it slow and he just wants me to feel at home (we’re spending the first night at our apartment), but as we get nearer, I’m afraid my natural penchant for worry and anxiety, as well as my fear over my health issues, might shut it all down. It all just makes me nervous, and I do want to make our honeymoon special, with us both feeling good, and without my ending up with a flare-up of symptoms.
Great question–and I’m glad she has The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
I gave all sorts of thoughts about anxiety, especially when it’s combined with chronic illness, and I hope it helped.
I will also say that talking about things well before the wedding can help so much. That’s what we designed The Honeymoon Prep Course to help with, too–make these conversations easier, and know what to expect once you’re married. And remember: the goal is not intercourse right away. It’s arousal and figuring out what feels good!
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
I think I get too wet during sex
A woman who hasn’t experienced an orgasm yet writes in:
I have been reading (and thoroughly enjoying) the Good Girls guide to Great Sex. My husband and I have been married for a few years. We are both Christians, and I am his first sexual partner (and we waited until after our vows for intercourse.) However, regretfully he is not my first. I wish I had waited for sure because that is something so special that my husband was able to give me that I was not able to give him completely, but thankfully this does not really seem to affect intercourse as far as I can tell.
We both seem have healthy sex drives. As far as I know I have not yet reached an orgasm but also not trying to dwell on it as I know this will only make matters worse! We have a baby and have been adjusting back into a more intimate relationship and all has been wonderful!
Anyways, although I enjoy intercourse, i don’t really get much from it other than the satisfaction of knowing my husband is satisfied and that it is a wonderful time to bring us closer to each other.
Tonight I experienced something different. Things were going pretty well and I noticed being able to feel more and did my best to stay focused and in the moment when suddenly I realized I couldn’t really feel anything … I wasn’t sure if my husband was still inside (I couldn’t feel him) or what exactly was going on… so I told my husband that I thought I was too wet to feel anything at the moment … so we moved around and changed positions. Well we resumed intercourse and he was able to finish … and I tried not to focus on “messing up the moment” (and he didn’t seem bothered by it at all either) but I was just wondering if there is anything to be done to avoid this. We didn’t use any extra lubricant it was just me…
Big thoughts: Do Kegels! Female ejaculation is a thing (although it’s usually accompanied by orgasm). And it’s okay to to try to have an orgasm!
You may also enjoy:
Help! I Giggle After Sex
A woman writes in with what she considers an embarrassing problem: She giggles after orgasm:
I’ve had an issue with giggling after having an orgasm, 40-50% of the time. It would bother my ex-husband every time it happened. I tried explaining to him that I was not in any way laughing at him and promising to attempt to put a stop to it the next time I felt like giggling. I noticed that the giggling happens after a particularly large rush of happiness and contentment after an orgasm and tried to explain to him that it was my satisfaction that was causing it but it still left him angry with me. Inevitably it would happen again and another argument would start. It eventually lead me to no longer want sex because of the fear of giggling and starting another argument.
When we did have sex, I was concentrating so much on keeping myself from giggling in the end that I was unable to really enjoy myself and was usually left feeling unsatisfied. I am now engaged to a wonderful man and he has been respectful of me wanting to wait until we are married to have sex. My main reason for this has been because I am fearful of giggling after an orgasm and upsetting him just like I did to my ex-husband. Is this something that is normal? Any tips or advice on talking about this with my fiancé?
We get a big hormone “high” after orgasm, and some people really react to hormone levels changing quickly when orgasm subsides. For some it results in “post-sex blues“, and for others it can lead to giggling. There isn’t anything wrong with this at all (although if you find yourself depressed or anxious or sad after orgasm, please see your doctor, because you’re also at higher risk for postpartum depression).
The bigger question here is how do you make sure you’re marrying a good guy this time? I hope she is, but I’ve written a lot about how to find a man with good character.
What if you’re a newlywed with a higher sex drive than your husband?
Here’s a question from a woman where they’re still trying to figure out their new “normal”:
With me and my husband, I am the one with the higher libido. We have been married for a few months and our sex life is very healthy and quite regular, but we have found that this has been a bit difficult to manage.
1) My husband sometimes feels that he is unable to keep up with my desires and feels inadequate and as if he is “underperforming”. I am careful not to be pushy but he says he often can tell right away because I get “Hungry Eyes” (That specific look in my eyes when I want him).
2) There has been some trouble with me feeling undesired.He goes out of the way to call me beautiful, show me love in all kinds of ways. However, because I am the one making the advances it sometimes leaves me feeling as though I am not as desirable to him as he is to me. This can leave me feeling distant and insecure.
3) Our intimate relationship can sometimes be sporadic and inconsistent . My husband can get flustered or gives up on “trying to satisfy me” . In the beginning of our marriage we were having sex nightly if not more. Much of which he initiated. Then it dropped to 5 times a week, and over the past month there have been stretches where we go 4-5 days without anything. This can cause frustration from him because he “can’t please me/keep up with me” (which couldn’t be further from the truth). In turn I become frustrated from that because the same thing that is frustrating him is the same thing holding him back.
4) Sometimes sex can be too intense for me to really enjoy. I feel that the closeness I am longing to feel, is overshadowed because my body is experiencing a lot of distraction from my husband.
It’s a long one, but one thing that occurs to me is that they’ve overthinking things–which is so easy to do in the early days when you have all these expectations of what things are supposed to be like, and then you’re trying to live up to those things.
It’s a journey. It’s okay if it takes a while to get to exactly where you want to go!
Anyway, listen in to our answers to this (and the rest!). And thanks to Katie for filming with me today!
And if you’re a newlywed trying to work out the equilibrium in your sex life, pick up 31 Days to Great Sex! it will help you have those conversations; help you spend different days focusing on him and her, so that it’s not all a big hodge podge of pressure; and put the fun and laughter back into sex!
Other Posts in the Sex Questions Series:
SEX QUESTIONS SERIES: Who’s the REAL Sex Expert for Your Questions
The Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor Podcast!
10 Quick Newlywed Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor
PODCAST: Newlywed Sex Questions Edition
PODCAST EXTRAS: Sometimes a Vagina is Just a Vagina
Have any words of wisdom for any of our readers today? Or want to say hi to Katie? Leave a comment!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of Bare Marriage
Dads shouldn't need their adult daughters to give them adulation and affection. That's called...
Growing up, we hear, over and over again: "Just wait for the wedding night! The wedding night will...
So many women--and many men as well--honestly feel like the church is hurting them. I do not...
Can sex be hot and holy at the same time? One of my big picture passions that I want people to...
This week, as we've celebrated one year of The Great Sex Rescue, I've received some amazing...
I truly believe that most guys are good guys. I often get accused of hating men, but that's...
Let's talk about the echoes of menstruation. Yesterday on the podcast, we were discussing how...
This has been a week of great thrills and great disappointments. Thankfully, the thrills were...