PODCAST: Newlywed Sex Questions Edition

by | Jul 16, 2020 | Uncategorized | 25 comments

Newlywed Sex Questions Podcast
Merchandise is Here!

This week on our podcast is all newlywed sex questions!

Welcome to episode 65 of our Bare Marriage podcast–and the third podcast that is also up on YouTube! So you can watch & listen or just listen!

We’re in the middle of our Sex Questions You Can’t Ask Your Pastor series, to celebrate the launch of 31 Days to Great Sex, my awesome book that challenges couples to work step-by-step to build an amazing sex life. Experience real breakthroughs while you laugh along the way!

Normally on the podcast my daughter Rebecca joins me, but this week Katie jumped in, since she’s the more newlywed of my two daughters. Plus she edits the videos. Plus I was visiting her. So it all works out! And, hey, it’s time I scarred her by making her talk about this stuff with me and not just her big sister!

Or watch right here!

We tackled these questions:

1. My wedding’s coming up and I’m anxious about sex

 

I’m getting married this summer, and the closer I get, the more nervous I get about sex. I’m about to start reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and love listening to your podcast and reading blog posts, you’ve really helped me a lot, but I need help. 

My parents never really talked about sex much, and so even now, after learning so much from you and finally talking to my mother more after getting engaged, it makes me nervous. Not only because it feels so foreign though (and I HATE unknowns), but also because I have health issues. I have a wonderful fiancé who takes care of me and truly wants to serve me through this and make me feel good, but doing anything new physically scares me. I have terrible migraines and a form of POTS that have been so bad lately that it makes me worry about. . . anything. Everything. I hate it, and I’m trying to focus on God’s word and find peace. But this is one area that just keeps bringing up my anxiety, and I don’t know what to do. 

He’s already told me he just wants to make sure I feel comfortable, that I’m at home, not too push myself, we’ll take it slow and he just wants me to feel at home (we’re spending the first night at our apartment), but as we get nearer, I’m afraid my natural penchant for worry and anxiety, as well as my fear over my health issues, might shut it all down. It all just makes me nervous, and I do want to make our honeymoon special, with us both feeling good, and without my ending up with a flare-up of symptoms.

Great question–and I’m glad she has The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

I gave all sorts of thoughts about anxiety, especially when it’s combined with chronic illness, and I hope it helped.

I will also say that talking about things well before the wedding can help so much. That’s what we designed The Honeymoon Prep Course to help with, too–make these conversations easier, and know what to expect once  you’re married. And remember: the goal is not intercourse right away. It’s arousal and figuring out what feels good!

Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?

The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!

Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning! 

I think I get too wet during sex

A woman who hasn’t experienced an orgasm yet writes in:

I have been reading (and thoroughly enjoying) the Good Girls guide to Great Sex. My husband and I have been married for a few years. We are both Christians, and I am his first sexual partner (and we waited until after our vows for intercourse.) However, regretfully he is not my first. I wish I had waited for sure because that is something so special that my husband was able to give me that I was not able to give him completely, but thankfully this does not really seem to affect intercourse as far as I can tell.

We both seem have healthy sex drives. As far as I know I have not yet reached an orgasm but also not trying to dwell on it as I know this will only make matters worse! We have a baby and have been adjusting back into a more intimate relationship and all has been wonderful!

Anyways, although I enjoy intercourse, i don’t really get much from it other than the satisfaction of knowing my husband is satisfied and that it is a wonderful time to bring us closer to each other.

Tonight I experienced something different. Things were going pretty well and I noticed being able to feel more and did my best to stay focused and in the moment when suddenly I realized I couldn’t really feel anything … I wasn’t sure if my husband was still inside (I couldn’t feel him) or what exactly was going on… so I told my husband that I thought I was too wet to feel anything at the moment … so we moved around and changed positions. Well we resumed intercourse and he was able to finish … and I tried not to focus on “messing up the moment” (and he didn’t seem bothered by it at all either) but I was just wondering if there is anything to be done to avoid this. We didn’t use any extra lubricant it was just me…

Big thoughts: Do Kegels! Female ejaculation is a thing (although it’s usually accompanied by orgasm).  And it’s okay to to try to have an orgasm!

You may also enjoy:

Help! I Giggle After Sex

A woman writes in with what she considers an embarrassing problem: She giggles after orgasm:

I’ve had an issue with giggling after having an orgasm, 40-50% of the time. It would bother my ex-husband every time it happened. I tried explaining to him that I was not in any way laughing at him and promising to attempt to put a stop to it the next time I felt like giggling. I noticed that the giggling happens after a particularly large rush of happiness and contentment after an orgasm and tried to explain to him that it was my satisfaction that was causing it but it still left him angry with me. Inevitably it would happen again and another argument would start. It eventually lead me to no longer want sex because of the fear of giggling and starting another argument. 

When we did have sex, I was concentrating so much on keeping myself from giggling in the end that I was unable to really enjoy myself and was usually left feeling unsatisfied. I am now engaged to a wonderful man and he has been respectful of me wanting to wait until we are married to have sex. My main reason for this has been because I am fearful of giggling after an orgasm and upsetting him just like I did to my ex-husband. Is this something that is normal? Any tips or advice on talking about this with my fiancé?

We get a big hormone “high” after orgasm, and some people really react to hormone levels changing quickly when orgasm subsides. For some it results in “post-sex blues“, and for others it can lead to giggling. There isn’t anything wrong with this at all (although if you find yourself depressed or anxious or sad after orgasm, please see your doctor, because you’re also at higher risk for postpartum depression).

The bigger question here is how do you make sure you’re marrying a good guy this time? I hope she is, but I’ve written a lot about how to find a man with good character.

What if you’re a newlywed with a higher sex drive than your husband?

Here’s a question from a woman where they’re still trying to figure out their new “normal”:

With me and my husband, I am the one with the higher libido. We have been married for a few months and our sex life is very healthy and quite regular, but we have found that this has been a bit difficult to manage.

1) My husband sometimes feels that he is unable to keep up with my desires and feels inadequate and as if he is “underperforming”. I am careful not to be pushy but he says he often can tell right away because I get “Hungry Eyes” (That specific look in my eyes when I want him).

2) There has been some trouble with me feeling undesired.He goes out of the way to call me beautiful, show me love in all kinds of ways. However, because I am the one making the advances it sometimes leaves me feeling as though I am not as desirable to him as he is to me. This can leave me feeling distant and insecure.

3) Our intimate relationship can sometimes be sporadic and inconsistent . My husband can get flustered or gives up on “trying to satisfy me” . In the beginning of our marriage we were having sex nightly if not more. Much of which he initiated. Then it dropped to 5 times a week, and over the past month there have been stretches where we go 4-5 days without anything. This can cause frustration from him because he “can’t please me/keep up with me” (which couldn’t be further from the truth). In turn I become frustrated from that because the same thing that is frustrating him is the same thing holding him back.

4) Sometimes sex can be too intense for me to really enjoy. I feel that the closeness I am longing to feel, is overshadowed because my body is experiencing a lot of distraction from my husband.

It’s a long one, but one thing that occurs to me is that they’ve overthinking things–which is so easy to do in the early days when you have all these expectations of what things are supposed to be like, and then you’re trying to live up to those things.

It’s a journey. It’s okay if it takes a while to get to exactly where you want to go! 

Anyway, listen in to our answers to this (and the rest!). And thanks to Katie for filming with me today!

And if you’re a newlywed trying to work out the equilibrium in your sex life, pick up 31 Days to Great Sex! it will help you have those conversations; help you spend different days focusing on him and her, so that it’s not all a big hodge podge of pressure; and put the fun and laughter back into sex!

Have any words of wisdom for any of our readers today? Or want to say hi to Katie? Leave a comment!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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25 Comments

  1. Chris

    “The bigger question here is how do you make sure you’re marrying a good guy this time? I hope she is, but I’ve written a lot about how to find a man with good character.”
    I really don’t think we know enough about this man to suggest that he has bad character. Giggling is a fine line from laughing and after her husband clearly tried to please her, if he perceives that he is being laughed at, he won’t be happy. I understand that this appears to be involuntary on her part but it is still odd. Either way, we don’t know enough to judge his character.

    Reply
    • E

      It’s a real thing. Sometimes I really do a full laugh. Lol

      Reply
    • Elsie

      Yeah but she explained to him that she wasn’t laughing at him and it was an involuntary reaction. Yet he continued to be offended by it instead of accepting his wife as she is and it ended up ruining sex for her. That seems like a character issue to me because he wasn’t listening to her or trusting her that she loved him and was just having a physical reaction. It’s basically a case of him seeing his ego as more important than giving her space to freely enjoy having sex with him. A husband with good character would want his wife to be feel free in the bedroom and not feel like she has to constantly police herself to avoid hurting his ego

      Reply
      • Anon

        I got married a week ago, and was taken totally by surprise by the way I’m giggling so much – and I’m not normally a giggler! It is completely involuntary and the only way I can stop it is to stop being aroused. I apologised to my new husband that I couldn’t stop laughing, but he said he was delighted to hear it because he loved hearing me sound happy.
        I’m so sad that this lady’s first husband didn’t have the same attitude toward her. I would encourage her to talk to her fiance openly about her concerns – and also, to look at his character in other areas. I’ve not been surprised by my husband’s gentleness and consideration when we have sex because he has been gentle and considerate in all other areas.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          That’s so lovely, Anon! And I didn’t realize you were married already! Congratulations!!!!! I’m so happy for you. Yay!

          Reply
          • Anon

            It was very last minute in the end – weddings were still banned due to Covid on our original date, but they lifted the ban not long after so we got married as quickly as possible in case they brought the ban back in again! It was a very different wedding due to all the restrictions, but so special. And although we are having to work with/around my health issues, so far the physical side of marriage has been great. I’m sure it wouldn’t have been this good if it were not for your writings. Your book especially has been SO helpful – my husband is very grateful to you for writing it, as by giving me a healthier view of sex, it’s made our marriage much more fun for him too! (And he’s said he wants to read it too, as he’d like to understand better what it’s like from my point of view)

          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Yay! That’s awesome! Oh, we’re so happy for you! It’s been fun hearing about your journey and cheering you on!

      • Chris

        Elsie, men are allowed to have feelings. I find it odd than so few women understand this. Not every affront to men is about their “ego”. I think sometimes women tell themselves that to avoid having to face the fact that they hurt someones feelings. In this case we just don’t know enough about this man to judge his character.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Chris, of course men are allowed to have feelings. But it is simply WRONG to get upset at someone for doing something involuntarily.

          Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I don’t know, Chris. If he’s blaming her for an involuntary thing, that shows a lot of immaturity and hostility on his part. It’s like blaming someone if they have tics or something.

      Reply
      • Anon this time.

        My body has been blamed for involuntary things. After I have an erection, i start producing cowpers fluid. Once my wife sees that or feels it, that sex session is over, before it begins. Its completely involuntary. And I get blamed.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          That’s really sad, and I’m so sorry. But that’s a normal biological reaction. Most men do that. What is she upset about exactly? Does she not understand that this is how men’s bodies work?

          Reply
          • Anon this time

            Thinks its gross.

        • Dani

          Wow. Your wife is wrong to react like that. I’m sorry She makes you feel bad about something that is normal.

          Reply
  2. Molly

    The are times when i laugh uncontrollably, so hard i can barely move. My husband just rolls his eyes at me, but he laughs too. At least he knows he gave me a good time?
    I’ve also cried inconsolably, and he just holds me. Sometimes i have a lot of pent up emotions that are let loose by an orgasm and dh is the to comfort me through them.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      As I said in the podcast, this isn’t that uncommon! It’s a hormonal issue, and you absolutely shouldn’t worry about it. 🙂

      Reply
  3. Jane Eyre

    There’s a reason this guy is an ex-husband.
    Only thing I can suggest is talking to your fiance about this. Giggling after orgasm is a problem that a lot of couples would love to have (women orgasm? Who knew?), so I’m not suggesting that this is a “problem” requiring a pre-marital discussion. However, many misunderstandings can be headed off at the pass by giving people a heads-up, long before the situation starts.

    Reply
  4. Hannah

    Oh goodness, LW2! Finally, someone else who has the same issue; I thought I was the only one. It’s like, oh, this feels great, great, great… then nothing. It’s very frustrating (in more ways than one!) because I’ll be finally getting into things and then sensation just stops.
    I hope LW has more success figuring things out than I have had…

    Reply
  5. Nathan

    Mrs. Nathan giggles and laughs when I watch her undress. She can’t understand why I still get excited by the sight of her taking her clothes off after all these years. But yes, I enjoy watching her.

    Reply
  6. AspenP

    Sheila,
    I loved your description last week of sensitive accelerators and brakes. That was SO helpful to hear. It brought a lot of clarity to understanding my husband. Thank you!

    Reply
  7. AspenP

    Thank you also for the post sex blues info too. Hubby struggles with depression already and it seems to me like sex makes him more depressed afterwards.

    Reply
  8. Anon

    To the lady who is worried about her health conditions affecting her wedding night, I would say talk to your fiance about it and don’t be too fixed in what you want to happen that night.
    My fiance and I agreed in advance that our aim was to get into the same bed and snuggle up together on our wedding night – if anything else happened, that was a bonus, but we had the rest of our marriage to have sex so if it didn’t happen on that night, it was no big issue. We ended up going quite a lot further than just cuddling, and I’m sure it was largely the lack of ‘expectation’ – I didn’t have to worry that doing ‘a’, ‘b’ or ‘c’ meant that I’d be expected to work my way through the whole alphabet!
    I’d bought a set of special ‘bridal lingerie’ for our wedding night, but when it came to changing, I just didn’t feel ready for that, so I put a pretty nightie on instead. The next night, I felt a lot more confident and asked him if he’d like to see my special ‘honeymoon outfit’! I was amazed at how much the lack of expectation made me feel free and WANTING to be more intimate!
    I’ve also found that becoming aroused makes me feel better physically – a couple of nights, when we’ve gone to bed, I’ve said that I don’t think anything can happen as I’m not feeling that great – but once we’re actually snuggled up together, a different set of feelings kick in and I’m not so aware of the pain any more!
    We talk all the time about what feels good and what doesn’t work so well and what we could try next time to make it work better – because it’s so new for both of us, we are learning together and even when things don’t work so well, we learn from that too. And because we’re focusing on intimacy, not sex, the nights when we just cuddle up together feel special and not like a ‘failure’ because it’s all helping to draw us closer together.
    I hope hearing this from a newly-wed coming from a very similar background will help xxx

    Reply
  9. Dani

    I have been married for 13 years and had no idea this was a thing. There have been numerous occasions I have cried after sex. Thankfully for me it isn’t accompanied by a feeling of disconnect nor does it carry over into the next day but definite feeling of sadness. I have also had postnatal depression after 2 out of 5 children. So interesting!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Glad you know this now! You can talk to your doctor about it if you find it really debilitating or if it makes you not want to have sex, but it may just be mild in you!

      Reply

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