The Great Sex Rescue Launches Podcast…And Then We Fall Apart

by | Mar 4, 2021 | Uncategorized | 36 comments

The Great Sex Rescue Launches Podcast
Merchandise is Here!

The Great Sex Rescue has launched!

We’re thrilled with the reception, and the sales figures are strong, and we’re already heading into our third printing! Yay! It’s even sold out now at Christianbooks.com, but you can still get it at Amazon (and check here for other options!)

I planned to do a happy podcast, where we did a bit of a victory lap, and it did start out that way. But it’s been a very emotional week, and by the end Rebecca couldn’t pretend anymore. So we’re just really raw with you about how demoralizing it is to see people just love our book and say what an amazing impact it’s had on them–and then have the powers-that-be still not care about hurting women. It’s just difficult. So if you listen to nothing else in the podcast, please listen to the first little bit, and then from 45 minutes on.

Also–many are asking how they can practically help us. Two things:

  • ** REVIEW THE BOOK ** on Amazon, on Goodreads, everywhere! This helps TREMENDOUSLY. Seriously. And it’s such an encouragement! (Once you’ve read it, of course!)
  • Keep writing to Focus on the Family, and ask them to reconsider their support for harmful books, as we outlined in our Open Letter

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

0:10 Our celebration chat!
6:40 This is not a Matthew 18 situation
14:10 A deep dive conversation into our research
28:35 Dr. Camden joins us for a question on kissing before marriage!
43:25 A statement on last a clip from last week
45:45 Working through tough emotions and a call for your prayers

Main Segment: Our book is live!

After two long years, The Great Sex Rescue is here! We’ve been seeing pictures on Instagram and Twitter all week of people receiving it in the mail, and the reviews have been amazing and humbling. We read a long one on air; I’ll leave a short snippet of another here:

FINALLY, a Christian book on sex that praises mutual, loving, and rocking-awesome sex for both the husband and the wife. Finally, a book that encourages both men and women to be all they can be. One that refuses to imply that all men are just animals who cannot help but have sex all the time (so wives, you better be ready for it). Where the women are considered important and also created for sex to feel amazing. 

TJ

Goodreads Review

The Great Sex Rescue

Launches March 2!

What if you’re NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you’ve been taught have messed things up–and what if there’s a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue.

A Quick primer: What do you say if people think our research is bunk?

Rebecca and I walk you through some of the common criticisms we’re going to get of our research–and what to say back! We mention four points, but here’s the most important:

People often say, ‘oh, they just found 20,000 people who agreed with them.” But what we were doing was comparing people who believed a teaching with people who did not. We could not have done the work we did if we had 20,000 people who believed all the same way. The whole point was comparing different beliefs. We had a very wide cross-spectrum of beliefs/denominations, etc., and the results were astounding. 

Reader Question: I Want to Kiss My Fiance Before the Wedding!

I brought the awesome Dr. Camden Morgante onto the podcast to talk about The Great Sex Rescue–and to answer a reader question for us! Dr. Camden wrote an amazing review of The Great Sex Rescue (in which she reveals the mystery of my dedication in the book!).

The Great Sex Rescue is a long overdue correction to Christian books on marriage and sex. With both biblical truth and evidenced-based research on sexuality, Sheila and her co-authors tackle the myths that keep many Christian couples from enjoying true passion and intimacy.

Dr. Camden Morgante

Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Camden

Then after the mutual praise-fest, she helped me answer this reader question (and gave exactly the answer I would!):

I’m getting engaged soon. Boyfriend and I have fairly restrictive boundaries with have been painstakingly upheld, but upheld nonetheless throughout our dating. I always thought we would kiss when we got engaged. He fears kissing (he’s never kissed) will open up a can of worms of sin and sexual temptation and that he’ll sin against me and God. He wants to flee sexual immorality and feels a strong conviction about this.

I have kissed before and have a couple of reasons I would want to be able to give a kiss of excitement on our engagement day.

1. I LOVE HIM, and WHEN I GET ENGAGED I WANT TO EXPRESS THAT AS FULLY AS IS APPROPRIATE WITHIN DATING!
2. I don’t want to walk down the aisle having only kissed one guy,
not the guy I’m marrying.
3. I don’t want to share our first kiss with 200 other guests.
4. I feel like going from side hugs only to having sex all in one day will be too much. The thought of it gives me anxiety. I want to ENJOY my wedding night. Not have to think about how I’m having sex with someone I’ve kissed twice before.
5. It feels like a rejection to not kiss at engagement.
6. Kissing at engagement has always been my expectation, so now I’m battling my own expectations.
7. Imagine getting engaged and then… !!! Side hug. That’s it.

Commit to someone for life and display that with a….. !!!!! Side. Freaking. Hug. That sounds awful.

He is trying so hard to be understanding, but not knowing how to compromise given his convictions.

Please Sheila. Help. This is weighing so heavily on me. I know it’s just kissing. It’s not a huge deal. But it FEELS so huge.

 

Clearing up a misunderstanding from last week’s podcast

Last week we talked about two things Shaunti Feldhahn had written where it was inferred that pre-pubertal boys were experiencing sexual behavior that we do not believe is normal for children. 

One of those things was from her blog:

1. It starts young. Yes, I knew men and boys were visual – but I didn’t really grasp just how visual until my son was thunderstruck by the pictures in the Victoria’s Secret shop window at age of 4. “I like those ladies,” he said, in an awed tone of voice, suddenly and completely oblivious to everything else around him. “Their bare tummies make my tummy feel good.” The male brain is the male brain from the earliest age, and as I share in Through A Man’s Eyesthat means we moms need to know how to help those little eyes be careful what they see from the earliest ages.

Shaunti Feldhahn

You Need to Know These Four Pitfalls for Teenage Boys

It’s been reported that we were claiming that this 4-year-old boy has likely been sexually abused. At no point did we state or imply that anyone had abused anyone else specifically, and we certainly are not accusing anyone of anything. If you want to go back and listen to that section of our podcast again, it’s right here–and the discussion on that started at 29 minutes.

We’re sorry if this caused offense, and again, we were not implying that anyone had abused anyone else specifically.

We were simply trying to bring attention to two important issues:

1. Parents sometimes interpret what pre-pubertal children say or do in a sexual way when they are not. Prepubertal children are not sexual in the way that adults are sexual. Yes, they are curious about things, including those parts of their bodies, but this is a completely innocent, normal developmental stage, and we need to be careful not to read things into it that are not there. Our concern is that the example she used seemed in our eyes to equate childhood curiosity with sexual desire and arousal.

2. Child sexual abuse is unfortunately a very common problem in our society, and it is important for all of us to recognize that overtly sexual behavior in children can be a red flag for child sexual abuse having occurred.

Where We’re At

And then, at the end, Rebecca kind of fell apart, and I did, too. It’s been a long haul getting this book out, and it’s difficult when the powers-that-be refuse to admit the harm that’s been done. It’s just a huge weight that we feel like we’ve been carrying. We know we’re not alone; we’re ever so grateful to you. And I think in the near future we’ll see how much you all mean to us, and how much you do have our backs. But as Rebecca shared, this is lonely and this is difficult and this is demoralizing–not because we’re being attacked behind the scenes, but that instead people don’t care and they’re trying to preserve reputation instead. That’s hard.

So we got more raw (rawer?) than we’ve ever been before. I considered nixing this, but I thought it would be good for you to hear.

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:

 

The Great Sex Rescue Launches Podcast

Thank you for all your support. We mean it. And remember to review the book!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

Related Posts

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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36 Comments

  1. Stephanie L Armstrong

    Oh my goodness. I cannot love this enough!!! I’m trying to listen and work with tears in my eyes!! I fully believe God will bless you all abundantly for this. As hard as it is, you are fulfilling your calling and you are being faithful. That is SUCH a beautiful thing to witness!! I can hear your hearts for those of us who have been wounded. I hear your hearts for the future men and women who you want to prevent from being wounded. Thank you thank you thank you. I stand with you. My book is coming today and I am beyond excited. I want to cry and I haven’t even read it! Thank you for your vulnerability. Someone has to take a stand against these harmful teachings and you all are doing it! Keep on. You have an army of men and women behind you and you have an army of angels before you. I don’t know you all personally but I love you all and I will be praying for you as you keep moving forward with this book and with your research!!

    Reply
      • Lisa Cadora

        I have MANY words to write here, but I will limit my comment to “Thank You With All My Heart” for your sufferings and labors to set the captives free. These toxic teachings were born out of a deep-rooted misogynistic hermeneutic that likely dates back to taking “Your desire will be for your husband and he shall rule over you” as prescriptive instead of descriptive. It’s time to restore the female half to “in the image of God He created them.”

        Reply
    • Ben Tebbens

      Thank you, thank you, thank your hearts and commitment to Jesus no matter what 😔❤️🙏🙏🙏God keep you and please give Rebecca a hug from all of us who thank you, thank you, thank you for all your doing. It’s such a thankless job, especially taking on or pretty much challenging those we’ve considered the elite and then to find out they apparently don’t care. God bless you, God keep you and thank, thank, thank you 🙏👍🙏🙏👍

      Reply
  2. Jo

    Would there be this much pushback if this book were written by a man or several men? Or is it because ***women*** dared to question what men have said?
    After all, when a man writes a book that sets up men as tyrants in their own homes, that their wives are not allowed to make suggestions or offer advice or even correct errors or confront outright sin, then it seems pretty likely that such men are going to (eventually) view all women as forbidden to confront any man at all.
    The last good decision that a woman can make, and even thinking she needs to do, according to these books, is decide to marry. As soon as women say “I do,” they no longer have any need for their brains. Women are not allowed to remind their husbands that before they became wives, they earned a college degree, joined the military and received promotions, held jobs and received promotions, or any other activity that required knowledge, experience, judgment, education, self-improvement, self-motivation, or any of the other character qualities that help define a mature human being.
    Nope, she says “I do” and turns into a brainless moron who needs to be directed, corrected, and silenced.
    I’m so glad so many men are showing up! Because MEN ought to realize they ALSO have been harmed by these teachings, maybe not in the short term but certainly in the long term.
    Re-read some of the comments by women (and men) who have healed from these un-Christlike teachings when you need your spirits renewed. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Remember, the giants in the Promised Land were taken down, and these author giants are no different.

    Reply
  3. Chris

    Sheila, what do you mean that the powers that be are still hurting women? I mean are you getting nasty emails from pastors or emmerson or focus telling you to shut up and go away?
    On another note, one of my sons friends was stashing away Victoria’s Secret catalogs when he was 6. I don’t think that automatically means he was abused.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I can’t comment publicly, Chris.
      Curiosity to seeing adults naked is not weird at all. What’s disturbing is equating that with normal male sexual arousal. That isn’t normal in prepubertal children. It does often happen when there has been exposure to porn (which is a form of child abuse, too).

      Reply
  4. Nathan

    > > Sheila, what do you mean that the powers that be are still hurting women? I
    While I don’t know what Sheila is hearing and getting in emails, there is one negative comment on Amazon so far that claims that Sheila attacks men. I’ve never seen that here, for the record

    Reply
  5. Bre

    Silent faithful reader and listener here who almost never comments, but after listening to today’s podcast with tears in my eyes and thinking back over all the myriad ways your teaching has changed and transformed my view of sex, marriage, and my own worth, I have to stop and say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was raised in evangelical purity culture and thanks (almost exclusively) to your work and how the Holy Spirit has used it in my life, I have had the enormous privilege of unlearning countless lies and damaging ideals before they impacted my marriage (getting married this summer!). My copy of TGSR is in the mail and I can’t wait to read it (and review it!) and let the healing continue! Thank you for all of your faithful work – Sheila, Rebecca, Joanna, and the entire team – the Lord has used it to transform me and I am confident He will use it to heal so many others. Thank you for your courage for our sake.

    Reply
  6. Kristen

    “Maybe this is too much for the podcast.” No, Becca, it’s not. The authenticity and honesty of this blog is what’s kept me returning for nearly four years now.
    Ministry is freaking HARD. I watched my parents do it for years, and that feeling of utter aloneness and isolation is all too real. I often questioned to myself, if not to them, if it was worth it.
    What you all have done IS worth it, and I’m not sure that God really listens to my prayers since I’m not really living for Him right now, but I’ll send one up for your family and team anyway. Thank you for all you do.

    Reply
  7. edl

    Sheila, Rebecca, Keith, Connor and Team,
    We are grateful for your work. And we are grateful for this podcast and the sharing of your hearts at the end; in fact, I would recommend someone printing out verbatim Rebecca’s words, they were so well spoken – clear, concise and from the heart.
    One of the things Rebecca said was that it is “hard living in a climate of Christianity where the people of power are also the worst offenders. That’s what’s hard and I don’t know how we change that…”
    Let us remember that Jesus faced the same type of hardness of heart among the religious leaders of His day. He spoke truth … and focused on the sheep. That is what you must do.
    As for hope … Please do not be discouraged by the enormity of the task to which you have been Divinely called.
    “Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle [is] not yours, but God’s. ” 2 Chron. 20:15
    “Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.” Zach 4:6
    Lives ARE being changed by your important work. For every wife, every husband, every marriage, lives are being changed and it affects those families for generations. Those generations of families continue to grow and spread out, affecting communities, like a rock dropped into a still pond, the ripples go out and out and out, always increasing, never ceasing. Perhaps you can’t always see it; you are at the center of the pond with Jesus.
    The enemy’s plans have not changed: to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). The enemy also works by “wearing down the saints” (Dan.7:25)
    Lives and marriages and families ARE being changed. Your work is so important, helping bring marriages into the design God intended. It is, in a very true sense, a spreading of the Kingdom of God on earth. And of that, we know there will be no end. You are a part of this!
    Is.9:7 “There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace… to establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness … From then on and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will accomplish this.”
    May God bless and refresh you.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      EDL, you have no idea how much your comment meant to me.
      Your very first Bible verse that you quoted–2 Chronicles 20:15–is the verse that God gave to us two years ago the day before we ran the first article about Love & Respect. That is the verse that has been my rallying cry for this. For you to pluck that verse out, and mention is first, is a God thing, and it was God using you to speak to us today.
      Thank you. I am humbled.

      Reply
  8. Melissa W

    I haven’t listened to the podcast but I do want to give you some words of encouragement. I typically wake up everyday singing a song in my head but Tuesday morning (launch day) and Wednesday morning I woke up praying for you guys. That has never happened to me before but I truly believe that was all the Holy Spirit working on your behalf! Also, my husband is a youth pastor and a worship leader and two weeks ago he talked to his kids about “modesty” and used your information from one of your blog posts about the true meaning of the modesty scriptures as a starting point. Yesterday he was planning on going through our denomination’s position paper on women in ministry, the home, etc. (the Assemblies of God position paper is very egalitarian in it’s approach, although not every Assemblies of God pastor or church may be) but he opened up the night with showing that video you shared of the Missouri pastor talking about “trophy wives” and such. His kids were disgusted and as they went through the position paper he was able to really speak into both his boys and his girls lives about equality in marriage and relationships. We have always believed this way, lived this way and taught this way but generations of kids are growing up hearing these messages as well and your material has absolutely helped my husband to put into words what we know to be true about the heart of God towards women and men! I just want you to know that there are lots of others out there that are taking up the cause with you and are so grateful to you for being willing to stick your necks out there for all of us! We are praying for you and with you because I truly believe that what you are doing is paving the way for walls to be broken down and for truth to prevail and for God to be able to do His work in the hearts and lives of people!

    Reply
  9. Anon

    This isn’t intended to be used to pressure that fiance who doesn’t want to kiss right now but sharing what helped my boyfriend and I prior to getting married.
    Him and I talked about and placed very specific guidelines on our physical interactions during dating and engagement. We felt it wasn’t enough to only say, “We won’t have sex before marriage.”
    Was there a line before sex we didn’t want to cross? How close would we let ourselves get to that line?
    When I say we set specific guidelines I mean that we decided our hands didn’t go further up than the knee. We decided that we would only kiss each other on the face, so no kissing the neck etc.
    As for the side hugs, I get that! I would put my arms up on his chest, rest my hands on his shoulders so that when we front hugged, my arms were between our chests.
    We never lay down together or rested up against eachother on a couch.
    When we started kissing we put a limit of 3 kisses a day and for a certain time. Yup. We actually had a number. It wasn’t like we paused to set a stopwatch, I just remember there was some sort of realistic limit we agreed on and knew that we had 3 kisses and then that was it for the day! I realize that we might sound ridiculous to others, my friends thought we were a bit odd even though they too decided to wait for sex until marriage.
    My boyfriend and I wanted to kiss/touch, at the same time didn’t want to have regrets! We also didn’t want to have to decide in the ‘heat of the moment’ “is this the line that we weren’t going to cross?” We didn’t want wait for the other to stop things if they got to the point of not feeling comfortable. So, in came our specific guidelines that we decided for ourselves! No books or authors were consulted to decide what number of kisses was the most pure for us as an Evangelical couple. 😉
    You’ve spoken about gatekeeping before and I think because we both had input on the discussion and agreed together, neither of us ended up being the lone gatekeeper of our physical relationship.
    We told eachother the more we didn’t do prior to marriage, the more we had to look forward to when we would be married. What we did allow didn’t take away from our marriage bed and what we didn’t allow prior we enjoyed all the more after we married. I think that’s something each couple decides for themselves.
    Maybe we weren’t that odd or maybe we were! I don’t know of any other dating couple who kissed and then placed a number of allowed kisses per day!

    Reply
  10. Nathan

    Hopefully most of the reaction will be positive. But take a break and be proud of the work by you and the whole team!

    Reply
  11. Maria Bernadette

    20,000 women surveyed… who found the survey through 230 different url’s… liberals mad at you for the survey being too conservative for them, conservatives mad at you because it’s too liberal for them
    and most of the respondents believing things that you don’t.
    That sounds like you have some good research.

    Reply
      • Chris

        I just watched the whole podcast. Liberals and conservatives giving you all heat? Thats good. My dad used to say “I know I am right when everyone is mad at me”.

        Reply
  12. John

    Rebecca, my heart hurts for you. You are not on this crusade alone, please know we are here to support you too. Please care for yourself as we care for you. A joy shared is a joy multiplied, a burden shared is a burden divided. God is always advancing His kingdom. We are to steward the people, opportunities, and ministries God has blessed us to be a part of. Focus on the healing that has happened, that you’ve been a part of, try not to overly burden yourself with the healing that has yet to come. Thank you for all that you do.

    Reply
  13. Nate

    Dear Gregoire Family,
    I want to thank you for the work you are doing and for speaking up. I was exposed to porn at the age of 7 and it has seriously affected me for most of my life & hurt my wife/marriage more than I’ve ever wanted to admit. We celebrate our 20th anniversary though this year and it is finally one we are both looking forward to and hope that it sets a better base for years to come, largely because we were able to look at past teachings we read, not as lemmings to the church but as critical thinkers.
    I/we have read most of the books that you/we, in my opinion, rightly need to take a stance against. These books formed the basis for much of my thinking when I was a young married man and negatively affected how I saw myself/wife & how my wife saw herself/me.
    Your podcasts have helped me look at things differently and approach many areas of my life differently. I cannot thank you enough for helping me engage my critical thinking and challenge teachings more (instead of just accepting them).
    My heart ached at the end of the last podcast for your family, it’s no fun to be the small minority standing on a perch with a different message. Know that I do stand along side what you are doing, many others do to, and I believe many more will join with you.
    Standing up to the “big church” (and affiliated organizations) is no easy task. The church wants to be seen as doing good (and I believe we as the church have done much good) but we the church have hurt many women, men & families too.
    Just like I need to humble myself to my wife/children/friends and ask for forgiveness, I believe the church and affiliated organizations will need to do the same at some point, especially in the areas related to the teachings about how woman (and man) are supposed to act to be a “good Christian”. Encouraging me to (what’s a good adjective) hurt my wife for my own sexual needs is bull*#%^! Telling me I will shamefully struggle with lust is why I hid my porn addiction for years, because I was full of shame and could not see Jesus’ grace.
    So thank you for what you do, keep sharing, especially when you hurt/struggle. I can do better as a man, the church can do better as an organization, affiliated organizations call also do better. Iron sharpens iron!

    Reply
  14. Hannah H

    First, I just want to say that I’m so sorry for all the vitriol and hate you’ve received and that you will, sadly, continue to get.
    My heart broke to hear you and Rebecca talking about how alone you feel to be speaking up against these evangelical giants. I’ve felt that loneliness as I’ve read the bestsellers and heard women in the church tell me how I should behave as a young Christian woman. It is so hard to find the courage to speak the truth in the face of relentless misinterpretation, hate, and discouragement. I cannot emphasize this enough – God bless you for raising your voices to speak up for what is right.
    If there’s anything that I’ve learned over the last few years following the blog (outside of the wonderful teachings that are offered on this site) it’s that you are not alone. You have people who will fight in your corner. I can only imagine how untrue that might seem in this moment, but you are bringing truth to countless women and couples. You have allies who will defend you, both in person and online. You are not being abandoned to fight the wolves alone. I am praying that God will bring you strength, peace, and reassurance.
    This blog and the podcast have been an incredible source of wisdom and comfort for me as a young woman. I lost my mother to a ruptured brain tumor when I was 17 and have not had a trustworthy Christian adult in my life since. You are a shining light of truth in this dark time and you have helped me so much in navigating my faith and relationship with my now fiance. I constantly thank God (though probably not enough!) for your words and resources. I don’t know where I would be spiritually if I’d continued to believe what I was taught growing up in a conservative, purity culture centered church.
    Thank you so much for everything you do – I hope I’m able to bring some encouragement to you both.

    Reply
  15. Bre

    I’m so, SO sorry!!!! I was bawling listening to Rebekka. Even though I’m not in your exact place, I can understand the feeling of just wanting to give up after realizing that part of the church is rotten and just wanting to give up. It’s okay to be sad and mourn. When I first started commenting on here and was so negative and upset even though I hadn’t personally suffered the things that made me upset, Sheila told me that it was okay to be angry and that it wasn’t me being selfish; it’s a good thing because it was righteous anger and I should see it as a sign that I’m able to feel for others and try to do something. (I first came here after struggling with similar ideas being pushed in churches right at the start of your LAR journey) I can’t say it as nicely as she said it to me, but…you’re doing this to help people and the reason that you have to do this is because no one else has the guts to do it. So much of what Rebecca said is so similar to things that I have thought and felt in the last two years and it’s okay. Being upset for the right reasons is okay and it’s a good thing; you don’t need to feel like you have to be happy, especially given the people you work with. People want genuine people who feel things and don’t do things “perfectly”. Honestly, that’s why I admire you guys so much; you’re just a normal family who doesn’t have a stake in this the way the big-name writers and preachers do. I honestly trust you guys more than many formally trained preachers because you genuinely care about people and don’t act like you’re holier than the “normal people” or pretend to have all the answers. You actually can understand me.
    And on a slightly happier note…I agree with the point about doing life together before you get married. When my mom and (step)dad were dating, we lived 2 hours apart and getting to go spend weekends with him was of the best times of my life. My dad wasn’t in my life, so running errands, cooking dinner together, and other stuff like a normal family was really nice. Other than going out to eat, we didn’t do anything out of the ordinary when we came over. My parents would do home improvement stuff and I’d just study or read. From my family’s experience, I agree that you spent a ton of time doing boring “normal” things once you get married…I think the “don’t do, ABC..XYZ” thing is more common with younger people and people who’ve never been married. My parents never really did anything fancy when they were dating and a big part of that is that they were both married before, had kids, and were very practical people. The “pre-marriage avoidance” thing isn’t really all that common out it the wider world or even with a lot of christian people…I honestly don’t get where it came from.

    Reply
  16. Lynnica

    So when Rebecca mentioned Elijah wanting to die, and feeling like she can’t do this, seems like everyone is evil and determined not to care, this was what came to my mind:
    “Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”
    1 Kings 19:18
    There is a remnant, there are still those out there who love God and are fighting that good fight with you.
    I know you said that you know you have supporters, but I also know it’s good to have reminders of that sometimes. We are here, we love you, and you are encouraging us to fight too! You are not alone! Thank you so much for all your efforts. They are not in vain. God has others out there, many who were inspired to the fight by your voices.
    If rest is needed though, the book is out! Take a break. Take a breath, recharge. After Elijah said that, he slept and ate, then slept and ate again, and then he had some one on one time with God. We all need a break sometimes. Just don’t give up. And most of all remember; He has overcome the world! He has won the victory and we are more than conquerors!
    Love to you all <3

    Reply
    • Anon

      ‘ “Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”
      1 Kings 19:18
      There is a remnant, there are still those out there who love God and are fighting that good fight with you. ‘
      YES!!!!!

      Reply
  17. Rogue

    We are right there with you guys. Working through the book right now, so I can get a 5 star review on amazon to help drown out the negative dissonance and distorted half truths.

    Reply
  18. Jessica Ghigliotti

    Congratulations on the book launch! Y’all are so raw and real, and I fall in love with you more with every new episode. (And the book is AMAZING!)
    I agree 100% with your response to the reader question… AND would like to add another thought:
    If this man truly believes that if he kisses, he won’t be able to stop himself from having sex… what are his expectations for self-control after the wedding? Because this doesn’t just go away. In marriage, a couple often kisses and does NOT have sex.
    Shelia mentions that the no-kissing boundary might be a good idea for someone struggling incredibly with lust. I disagree. Someone struggling so much with lust that they “can’t stop” from having sex after a kiss is not safe to marry.
    Now, choosing not to kiss before marriage as his way to honor God is fine! If that’s what he feels called to great!
    But if it’s a lack of sexual self-control… that needs to be something he addresses in himself before getting married.
    That’s my $.02! Great episode!

    Reply
    • Jane Eyre

      I agree completely! You don’t “just” go from kissing to sex, before marriage or during marriage. There are conscious decisions along the way. It seems like “too much kissing and you will just end up having sex” is a really weird combination of purity culture fear-mongering and post sexual revolution excuse making. The former just don’t even want people doing down that road and the latter want to justify premarital sex.
      Now, if the young man feels like it is important to wait for marriage for kissing, on principle, that is a different issue.
      If the young woman does not want to have her first kiss in front of 200 people, she does not have to. They can kiss later, in private. There is no rule about acting like a performing seal at your ceremony.

      Reply
  19. Anonymous

    The last part of the podcast made me tear up as I don’t understand why and how the church got it so wrong. I come from a church/culture that preached sex is a “sin of the flesh” even in marriage. Sex is only for the purpose of having children. I have a great husband but the topic of sex and understanding of sex has been a struggle for over 30 years until we started reading your blog 5 years ago. Things are better but the terrible messages still linger in the back of my mind. I feel sadness and resentment that we missed out on true intimacy over the many years. Thank your for leading the way on this very important topic. I hope I will be able to teach my young adult children God’s true meaning of sex.

    Reply
  20. Cheryl Martin

    So moved by what your shared. Ladies, keep running this race. We are all behind you. Keep speaking truth to power.
    Keep flipping over those temple tables Rebecca. Jesus is right beside you, in righteous, Godly anger bringing down the house of cards. He’s not in the cozy, little spiritual homes of hardened-hearted leader “sipping cocoa” (lol) – he’s outside with you, with all of us who are banging down the doors. You may feel like this burden wasn’t chosen, I can imagine how helpless that can feel, but you could have said no. You could have chosen not to care the way you do, but you showed up. Your job is not to change those unwilling hearts, God gifted you with this truthful message that goes straight to the hearts of those hurting. Even in his day, Jesus encountered those who just could not listen, who were toxic, and he again and again chose to focus his time on those who were hurting, who had been cast aside by the powerful. You’re in the trenches with him. We thank you and walk with you. Don’t give up.

    Reply
  21. Jane Eyre

    Thank you all for the work that you do. My prayers for your families.

    Reply
  22. Dorthea Dillon

    Oh Becca! ❤️❤️❤️ I don’t know how you feel about hugs from strangers but if I could I’d give you and your mom a big hug and we’d cry together! Thank you for sharing your hearts. If the Church were actually living as Jesus taught there’d be no need for your book. The fact that we the sheep need this book so desperately is heartbreaking. Honestly I cried for most of chapter 10, not for myself but for the many women in that terrible situation. It is so heartbreaking! Thank you for caring. Thank you for calling the Church to more. Thank you for your sacrifice and courage. I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you all. I’m praying. And sending viral hugs 🤗 ❤️

    Reply
    • Rachel M

      Thank you so much for the work you are and have been giving your lives for! My husband and I are in the process of going through your “31 Days” book, which is really scary and really exciting. It’s so hard to work through the lies I’ve been believing! It’s so scary to dare hope that it can truly be great! I’ve been so blessed to be married to a man who truly cares about me and wants me to experience pleasure every time.
      I have been so in awe of how he just seemingly fearlessly takes a stand against wrong teachings the church has been embracing. We own several of the books you have taken a stand against. He has always been against “every man’s battle”, but he recently read “created to be his help meet” and was appalled! He wrote a very good article explaining his position and sent it to one of our pastors. I don’t know if his article will ever be printed in our monthly booklet, but I felt so cherished/protected by him and so incredibly proud of him! We are very blessed to be in a church where the pastors will take this submission very seriously rather than just pass it off.
      I just wanted to share this little story with you. You’re not alone! God is raising up an army to fight for truth, and you are helping to bring it about. Thank you so much for pouring out your lives for others because you genuinely care! God’s blessings, grace and strength to you as you continue the fight!

      Reply
  23. Healing

    Rebecca- I hear you. I see you. And I’m one of the people you are fighting for. And I’m so very grateful. This blog has been the vehicle that God used to save me from abuse. Your words and your research have convinced me that I’m not crazy. Guest posts here have been my avenue to find the help I needed. You are fighting for me And I’m so very grateful. Thank you for taking up the fight.

    Reply
  24. C

    I’ve been a silent reader here for almost a year now. I’m so glad you put in the episode title that this was a difficult one – I had to wait to listen to it until I was ready. I was in tears along with you by the end.
    Rebecca, I feel your hurt. I’m in your corner. I’m praying for you. I’m feeling much of the same hopelessness that you are about these teachings. I grew up at the end of the purity culture time in a church where sex was just not talked about. Ever. The extent of what I was told after I was engaged was “you know there’s some things to save for marriage.” So naturally, I read every book that I could find, desperately trying to learn how to be a good wife, how to make my marriage succeed. I found myself regularly wanting to slam them closed and throw them across the room. I didn’t think I believed them, but I never realized how much they had hurt me anyway. Not until I found this blog. It’s so disheartening to know that the people who write these don’t care they’re hurting people. I truly don’t know how to move past the lack of trust in humanity that has instilled in me. I hope to do so with you.
    I have The Great Sex Rescue sitting on my shelf, waiting until I’m emotionally ready to read it. I’ve cleaned out my shelf of the books I now know to have been harmful. It was therapeutic to throw them in the dumpster, to know that particular copy of it could never hurt anyone else. And I’m so thankful to all of you for doing this difficult work for women like me. You’re not alone.

    Reply
  25. Stephanie L

    Oh dear sisters in Christ thank you for this! As a pastor’s wife and a previous reader/advocate of many of these types of books I’ve realized I’ve bought the lie that I was sold.
    I always felt odd wanting things in sex when all the books said it really shouldn’t be about me but about him.
    I felt dirty for even wanting pleasure- the pleasure God designed!
    These types of books even pushed me so far that I was scared to speak up to my spouse when he’d attempt to do things to me that had been done when I was sexually abused. I literally allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and relive those thoughts and scenes because I didn’t want to upset my husband or push him running to pornography as many of these books literally put in my head. These types of books also filled my husband’s head full of unrealistic expectations of me that I could never fulfill in my wildest dreams.
    (We have talked and thank God I have such a godly husband who doesn’t fall in line with the typical mindset these books give off.)
    I am so thankful you are FIGHTING this and we will stand with you.
    God made sex for a husband AND wife.
    It is to be enjoyed. Thank you for fighting this horrific mindset within the Christian marriage community. Please don’t let anyone cause you to stop serving the Lord in this way!
    Much love and prayers to you!!!

    Reply

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