Don’t Tell Women to Have Sex So He Won’t Watch Porn

by | Jul 9, 2021 | gsr, Pornography | 31 comments

Why having more sex won't cure a porn addiction

Telling a woman that the way she stops her husband from watching porn is to have sex with him is toxic. 

I’m getting ready to pack up our RV and leave the campground. It’s been a great few weeks relaxing, knitting, and processing, and I’m grateful.

And as we’re leaving, I thought I’d share something that’s going pretty big on Facebook and Instagram right now, and just elaborate on it, because there’s more that needs to be said. Sometimes you can make a splash on social media, but it’s not the place to really dive deep. So I’d like to dive a bit deeper today.

Last night I posted this picture:

Why Have Sex So He Doesn't Watch Porn is a Toxic Message

And I posted this caption:

Telling a woman, “you have to have sex with your husband to keep him from watching porn” is TOXIC.

Hopefully we all instinctively know this, but how many of us have internalized this? Especially with books like Every Man’s Battle calling women the “methadone” for their husbands’ sex addictions (see the latest Fixed It For You in my feed for that one.)

In our survey for The Great Sex Rescue, we found that one of the most toxic messages a woman can believe is that she has to have sex to stop him from watching porn.

That’s like having sex under threat.

And it does terrible things to her. She is:

  • 37% more likely to have sex only because she feels she has to.
  • 65% more likely to be afraid her husband will look at porn or other women.
  • Even 19% more likely to experience vaginismus!

(And that’s just a sample of the effects we found).

We spend a whole chapter in The Great Sex Rescue explaining how women aren’t methadone. Women are people. And it is not a woman’s job to keep a husband’s lust at bay. The Bible clearly puts that responsibility on the husband.

Church, let’s do better. Let’s get this right.

Sheila

On Facebook

Now let’s go deeper!

The reason “just have sex” is a traumatic message is because it erases her personhood.

I don’t know if people get that, but this is the root of trauma and pain. Trauma occurs when people refuse to see you, to notice you, to value your needs, and choose instead to use as a commodity or to hurt you.

Trauma isn’t always, or even usually, getting physically hurt. It’s a drip-drip-drip of abandonment and minimization.

We explained this in detail in Chapter 6 of The Great Sex Rescue, and so many people have found it healing. But let’s go back to first principles.

Biblical sex is intimate, pleasurable, and mutual.

Ultimately sex is an intimate “knowing” of one another in every way. That’s why God uses the word “to know” for sex in the Old Testament–He’s telling us that sex is more than physical (no matter what Emerson Eggerichs might say about sex being about a husband’s physical release. Nope!)

And for sex to be great, you have to be able to open up to someone. To become completely and utterly vulnerable. To allow someone to truly see you, and to tell them what you want, and to not be concerned about what they’re thinking but just experience–which is what women need in order to feel good, in general–then we need to feel safe.

We can’t be vulnerable without being safe.

And if you’re having sex under threat–that he will watch porn if you don’t do this–then you’re being asked to be completely and utterly vulnerable SO THAT he doesn’t betray you. That’s wrong on so many levels.

First, it is a total rejection of biblical sex, because it turns sex from a deep knowing to simply a using of someone. IF it’s under threat–I’ll betray you if you don’t do this–then it’s no longer a knowing. It’s a taking.  And that can easily become coercive (which we cover in chapter 10 of The Great Sex Rescue!).

Then it’s a rejection of you as a person, because instead of saying to her, “I want to know YOU,” you’re saying, “I just want physical release,” which, again, is exactly how Love & Respect and Power of a Praying Wife and Every Man’s Battle described sex–as a husband’s physical release.

When a man is using sex only as physical release, and is choosing not to know his wife (because if it were about her then he wouldn’t be threatening to betray her), then it’s not a deep knowing. It’s actually a deep rejection. And that is traumatic.

That’s why I’m adamant that the porn has to be dealt with before the sex life can be fixed.

Having more sex can’t cure a porn addiction, because porn and sex are polar opposites. Biblical sex says, “I want to know you and experience something with you.” Porn says, “I want to use you for my own gratification.” They are not substitutes for one another; one is a counterfeit. When we use married sex like porn, we change the whole nature of sex and we diminish both spouses.

Of course, that’s not the advice that Christian books often give. Too many say that part of his healing is for you to resume sex right away, rather than asking him to build trust, because he can’t win the battle without you. But that’s not biblical, and that’s not a misunderstanding and distortion of sex.

So I’ll end this with a quote from The Great Sex Rescue, where we address this head on:

 

Emotional damage can be done if you constantly betrayed feel and used without any hope that it can be better. This makes pas- sages like this one from Every Heart Restored gut-wrenching: “On the battlefield of broken sexual trust, your husband must become trustworthy and you must eventually choose to trust again. . . . It’s self-defeating to worry about which should come first.” He has broken trust—but she is “self-defeating” if she requires him to be trustworthy before she actually trusts him again. She must have sex with him, even if he is making no move toward building a healthy sex life.

Just as you can’t cure an alcoholic by giving him so many sedatives that he won’t want to go to a bar, you can’t cure a porn addict by giving him so much sex that he won’t want to log on to the computer. Even if it does lead to less porn use, the issue is not healed—it’s only been numbed.

God doesn’t want to numb us. God wants to free us.

Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna

The Great Sex Rescue

God really can free us.

I may talk more about this later, if people want, but we show the biblical blueprint in The Great Sex Rescue, about reframing how we see sex; the addict allowing himself to be vulnerable again (because HE needs the vulnerability, not her); and accepting responsibility.

Keith and I, in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, which is coming out next Valentine’s Day, delve into this in greater detail.

But in the meantime, let’s remember that she is not the methadone for his porn addiction, no matter what books like Every Man’s Battle say. She is a precious person, made in the image of God, and she doesn’t deserve to be reduced to a masturbatory aid so that he doesn’t sin. And sex, which God created to be beautiful and intimate, should not be reduced to pure sin management in a dehumanizing way.

Church, let’s do better.


Along with The Great Sex Rescue, these books are great at dealing with porn issues properly:

You do NOT need Every Man’s Battle. These are way better. Let’s make Every Man’s Battle history!

The Great Sex Rescue

Changing the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.

What if you’re NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you’ve been taught have messed things up–and what if there’s a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue.

Why having more sex won't cure a porn addiction

By the way, I’m continually dismayed at how badly Christian books handle porn. A number of people have sent me screenshots of books they’ve been reading which are just as bad as Every Man’s Battle. I really hope such books won’t be able to be written after The Great Sex Rescue! I hope we’ve made a difference.

So what do you think? Is change coming? Do people understand this better? Or do you still hear advice to have more sex to stop porn? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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31 Comments

  1. Annie

    More sex to cure porn addiction was exactly the remedy prescribed to my husband and I by our Christian counselor almost 20 years ago. Specifically, I was to say yes any time he wanted it. I was never to refuse. (By the way, I should note that the reason we were in counseling in the first place was because HE had been refusing ME any time I was interested because, as he said, he was tired from all the masturbating he was doing while watching porn and didn’t have any physical need for sex. My husband’s assignment? Pray in the shower. )

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, Annie, I’m so sorry! And that’s all too typical. I have had to teach so many marriage authors that the biggest problem with porn addicted husbands is not that they aren’t getting enough sex from their wives; it’s that their wives aren’t getting any because the man is neglecting her! Like thinking she’s the problem is such a misunderstanding of what is actually happening in relationships. It’s all so wrong.

      Reply
  2. Chris

    “Trauma isn’t always, or even usually, getting physically hurt. It’s a drip-drip-drip of abandonment and minimization.” Truth. 100% This.

    I have been in a sexless marriage for a decade or so I think. This quote has showed me that the effect that has had on me is actually Trauma. I never had a word for it before. For how I was feeling. Yes, I think I have been traumatized. Now that I have a word for it, I am feeling like I can feel. Does that make any sense? Thank you Sheila for putting words to my feelings. I needed this today.

    Reply
  3. Jane Eyre

    One if the women on your Facebook page said that she married a cheater. IMHO, this toxic philosophy sets people up for failure: by being told that porn and cheating are normal reactions to insufficient sex, women hear “porn and cheating are normal.” It’s then hard for them to see when men are good men or bad men, so no surprise they end up marrying cheaters.

    It’s a slightly different situation, but I was raised to be a doormat. I was told that I wasn’t doormat-y enough for men. Cue a long series of miserable, soul crushing relationships. Finally started doing the exact opposite of what I was raised to do and was shocked at how healthy and sane a dating relationship could be.

    I was taught that I was “too hard” on men and was not “giving them a chance.” Finally figured out that the men were the people they showed themselves to be right up front and didn’t need endless “chances.”

    If a man tells your right up front that cheating is an option – when the relationship is good and you have butterflies every time you see each other – run. Run like American Pharaoh.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Exactly! Our marriage philosophy teaches women to ignore red flags! If women are responsible for men’s sins, then men’s sins aren’t a reason to discount him as a marriage partner. It’s just to work on yourself. It’s very dangerous.

      Reply
      • Jane Eyre

        As a smaller point, look how silly this is when we flip it around. Imagine if women said – you need to be like a guy in a romance novel: handsome, high earning, able to make me climax multiple times every time we have sex. If you aren’t, I am going to divorce you / buy a vibrator and ignore your sexual advances.

        We would all tell her to dislodge her head from her colon and understand that marriage is a partnership. Yet men can just walk in and be like – all the sex I want, you better be a porn star in bed, make sure you stay slim and give me BJs after you give birth, or I get to cheat. What???

        Reply
  4. Postpartum

    I’m currently 7 weeks post-partum from our second child. Physically, I’m healed up and sex is possible. Yet I find myself not wanting to – the first few times you have sex after a baby are a vulnerable, somewhat nervous time (I mean, you KNOW you’re healed up but what if somehow it isn’t??).

    And because it’s such a vulnerable time, the fact that I’m not sure if my husband has looked at porn and think it’s fairly likely he’s masturbated since we last had sex (before the birth)… Well, I feel zero desire to be that open with him.

    I know I should bring it up and discuss it with him but our sex life is such a mess of years of conflict that I haven’t yet.

    I guess I’m waiting for him to actually bring up sex before I do and he’s probly hoping I’ll be the one to instigate sex.

    Reply
    • Dorothy

      The adjustment period after welcoming an infant is so difficult for sex, but it’s also difficult to find an uninterrupted time to discuss serious issues in your marriage. Please do this with your husband. I used to set up babysitting in someone else’s home, tell my husband we were going to have a date to talk about Issues A, B, & C, and then write down or outline the points I wanted to discuss. It’s not a perfect system because I really hate confrontation and tend to just ignore my own desires, especially in-person. But I think you’re at the point now where if you don’t regain that intimacy, you don’t work for it, you both will just continue life as is, and it may never organically return.

      Reply
  5. Anonymous305

    It’s easy to feel that anyone who treats porn and sex like the same thing is stupid and heartless, but then I remember that I didn’t always know the difference. I used to think it would be easy for a guy to quit porn after marriage because I didn’t know how porn is as addictive as drugs, and I didn’t know how it trains his brain to dehumanize and disrespect his wife. So, not everyone who thinks that is heartless, some are just uninformed. But still, I never told anyone to be methadone because that just feels wrong, and I agree with your frustration that the wrongness should be so obvious, we shouldn’t have to say it!!!!

    At the same time, I wonder how many women don’t notice what’s wrong with the message because they’re not asking, “are these authors acting like Jesus?” Instead, they’re asking, “am I showing sacrificial love to my husband?” I was one of those. Although I didn’t know about the literal “methadone” message until this year, I approached other harmful books with the question of whether I was sacrificial enough because that was allegedly Christ-like.

    Finally, 1 Corinthians 7:2 and 5 APPEAR to support the methadone message because they relate marital sex to reducing temptation. However, if the reducing temptation is mutual, then they don’t support that message because being treated like methadone INCREASES (potentially) a woman’s temptation to sin if she thinks another man will treat her like a person. It’s still her responsibility to flee temptation, but the point is that the methadone message doesn’t reduce temptation in a mutual way.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Such great points, Anonymous!

      I think you’re right–many of us read those books with the intention of being more sacrificial, and we think that’s the Christ-like answer, when actually boundaries more often is!

      Reply
  6. Kayla

    You are right, “porn and sex are polar opposites.” I agree with you that it’s a dangerous message, but what is a better way of looking at 1 Corinthians 7:5 (about avoiding temptation)? Maybe it’s more like a by-product of a truly intimate relationship?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I think we have to remember the context of 1 Corinthians 7. It was written at a time when the Christians were deciding to be lifelong celibates to worship better, because sex was seen as bad. And they were doing this even if they were married. So they’d pledge to be celibate, and then of course they’ve overcome by sexual feelings. And Paul is saying, “stop that.”

      I think the context was more that the temptation was something you imposed on YOURSELF by vowing to be celibate, and he was saying you don’t have to do that, rather than the way we usually read it–that the temptation is something your spouse imposes on you. He was just trying to put sex back in its proper place in marriage. At least that’s how I read the passage when you understand what was going on in the Corinthian church, as is evidenced by the rest of that chapter.

      Reply
      • Jane Eyre

        I heard somewhere that a lot of them were seeing prostitutes every so often. It was more – you don’t get credit for being celibate for the kingdom of God when you’re banging prostitutes on the side. Stop making things hard on yourself and find a wife; celibacy obviously isn’t working out for you.

        Reply
      • Kayla

        I see. Thanks!

        Reply
    • TaylorE

      Can anyone speak into this/give advice?
      What about a serious boyfriend who has admitted to porn use off and on throughout his life? He knows his triggers (stress, boredom, etc) had covenant eyes and has a accountability person. I don’t see any pornographic styles of relating in him…we are not having sex *waiting til marriage* so I may not see those “signs” right now. He’s open in sharing when he’s going through times of feeling a little weak in being tempted but has had 8 months with nothing. Before the 8 months, his longest times without it was 2 years. Any advice in moving forward/red flags to watch for?
      When it was happening, it would be like 2-4 times per month. So in my opinion, it was more a horrible bad habit than an addiction. Any advice?

      Reply
      • B

        Just so you know, it can still be an addiction with long periods in the binge purge cycle. I.e. keeping a lid on it. I’d do some hefty premarital counseling with someone who does things that are actually relevant. See how he responds to conflict, does he minimize and is he defensive. You can work through a bunch of stuff, but you want to know what you’re dealing with. I’d see if he’s willing to join a group like Pure Desire. Covenant Eyes is a good tool, but is not recovery in and of itself. Good luck, and I hope the Lord blesses you with a great relationship there!

        Reply
      • C

        RUN away . . . Don’t walk.

        Reply
      • C

        Marriage and intimacy often being stressors to porn addicted men that you and they don’t foresee. My husband is just now starting to make noticeable progress on his addiction and we’ve been married 5 years. Sexual intimacy is a trigger for him because it makes him want to hide-from me and from God. The porn is a symptom of a deeper fear of being seen and known. It’s incredibly heartbreaking. I have developed a discernment that is nearly 100% accurate when he has looked at porn- to me it is so obvious. And I think it comes from the trauma of feeling like something is wrong with me or like he is hiding something when he can’t fully engage during times of intimacy. However, I have resolved that we will not have a sex life for as long as this goes on. Putting my foot down and saying NO to fake or substandard intimacy has left room for the Holy Spirit to convict him and make him realize he is throwing away his marriage in exchange for garbage. I call it “stepping off the roller coaster” and it’s what I have to do to protect my mental health. I hope my story helped. The one thing you need to know is that wives of porn addicts often develop PTSD. I believe I have some of it. I love my husband and he’s my best friend, but this isn’t a life I would wish on anyone.

        Reply
  7. Anon

    I think change is coming, but it will be very slow. And we shouldn’t be surprised by that. Any time something that is deep rooted in our society is challenged, it takes a long time for any change to be noticeable, so this isn’t likely to be any different.

    And in this case, there is going to be a LOT of pushback. Far too many Christian guys have been raised being told that its ‘part of being a man’ to struggle with sexual temptation and porn – and that their difficulties are the fault of women, whether that’s a wife that isn’t being ‘wifely’ enough or other women ‘tempting’ them. And now they’re hearing that they actually need to take responsibility for their own behaviour rather than blaming the opposite sex. That’s not an easy message to accept! And it’s going to take time.

    Reply
  8. Nathan

    > > being told that its ‘part of being a man’ to struggle
    > > with sexual temptation and porn – and that their
    > > difficulties are the fault of women,

    Struggling with temptation is a real thing, and just part of being human. That’s not the same as lusting, though. It’s not the woman’s fault, though.

    Reply
    • Anon

      Sorry, Nathan, I didn’t phrase it very well. I didn’t mean that Christian men are never going to struggle with temptation! What I was trying to say is that for decades, many men have been taught that they are so hardwired to experience sexual temptation that they ‘can’t help themselves’ behaving inappropriately and that if women didn’t dress/behave the wrong way, men wouldn’t be MADE to sin anyway! So guys who have got used to saying/thinking ‘this is just part of being male’ and ‘it’s not really my fault – women are making me sin by the way they behave’ are now being challenged to take responsibility for their own actions, and it’s not surprising that many of them don’t like that! Because none of us like admitting we’re wrong and none of us like taking the blame for our own sins – it’s so much easier to make excuses or push the blame onto someone else. So I think it is going to be a while before we see major change because we’re asking people to unlearn the behaviour of many years. But hopefully, the next generation will learn differently and better.

      Reply
  9. Nathan

    That makes sense! 🙂

    Reply
  10. Andrea

    My sister and I are both foodies and, until recently, we’ve been referring to mouth-watering pictures of food as “food porn” (it’s quite a common expression that I’m sure a lot of people are familiar with). Well, we’ve decided to stop doing that because, as she said, “porn is to sex what puke is to food.”

    Reply
  11. Barbie18

    I have lead a group for women who’s husbands are porn addicts for almost five years.
    I HIGHLY recommend the book “You’re Sexually Addicted Spouse”by Dr. Barbara Steffens.
    She is an expert on the topic. It IS betrayal trauma and 70% develop PTSD symptoms and 65% develop full PTSD when they discover their husbands addiction.
    It is the book we use in our betrayal trauma group as it has literally saved many women from suicide. Yes, suicide.
    It is so very devastating and traumatic that many women contemplate suicide.
    Please read this book if your husband watches porn or is a porn addict. The next step I recommend is joining a betrayal trauma group. Do not buy into the 12 step program as it is NOT about you and your character defects. You did not cause it and cannot fix it. You can only help yourself begin to heal from the trauma.
    Another great resource is Dr. Omar Minwalla who is an expert on this topic as well.

    Reply
  12. Anne

    What are your thoughts about husbands having sex videos of their wives?

    I’ve allowed my husband to take videos of me because I feel a sense of guilt, I suppose, for “making” him stop porn.

    But now instead of watching other women in videos, he’s watching me. It honesty makes me feel gross and wrong.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I actually do have a post about that here. If you’re uncomfortable, it’s okay to ask him to delete them.

      It sounds like your husband hasn’t dealt with the root issue of his porn addiction, and that he still needs to emotionally distance himself to get aroused. That’s not okay and it’s not healthy. I’d encourage him to read books by Andrew J. Bauman or Michael John Cusick instead.

      Reply
  13. Marie

    Our 20th anniversary is next week. Big whoop. Our sex life went from uncomfortable to awkward to seldom to non existent. He has a major porn and homosexual fantasy kink. Sex for me means performing, talking dirty, and making up gay fantasy stories involving him so he can complete the mission. Mechanically he is ok in bed, but there is zero intimacy. Zero. After just a few years I felt like a blow up doll, or a gym sock. Only just now trying to figure out how to leave him. I am so dead inside.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, Marie, I’m so sorry. That’s awful. You do not have to participate in that, ever. You really don’t. I’m sorry you were ever made to feel that way.

      Reply
  14. MB

    Hmm…I didn’t have a problem with porn until I realized that it had a lot to do with my husband withdrawing sexually from me (thankfully that seems to have been fixed since last year!)

    I also suspect that he had an affair at some point, although I don’t know who the woman might have been.
    There is also the fact that he still has some latent feelings/lust for a high school girlfriend from 30 years ago.
    So there are some complicated facets of who he is that I’m only now starting to unravel after a long time.

    When I found that he had visited a certain website, plus realizing that he still thinks about his ex-girlfriend, it made me feel bad.
    I am only 37…still very attractive and in good shape. But none of that seems to matter if he fantasizes about other women, some of whom are not even pretty.
    It’s just that they aren’t me. Some men are not satisfied with what they have. You can be almost perfect, but they will always look at other women, even while saying that they love you.

    What hurt me about finding my husband’s porn at that time was the fact that he wasn’t having sex with me at all.
    It made me feel like he preferred that over being with me. I wouldn’t have minded him looking otherwise, but my needs were not being met.
    I would flirt with him and try to initiate, and he would push me away…one time he even called me “selfish” which blew my mind!
    Most men wouldn’t complain if they had a young, pretty wife wanting to be intimate with them.
    But that’s what happened. It still hurts when I remember that.

    I think the main issue with porn is that sometimes men compare their wives to other women as a result.
    It’s not always conscious, but it happens. They become excited by these women (all different types) and seeing them do all kinds of things, and then it becomes a habit to picture women (outside of porn) in these scenarios.
    And then they look at their wives and instead of appreciating her fully for who she is, their thoughts wander.
    They think “that other woman is prettier” or “why can’t my wife’s body be more like hers?” or instead of a porn actress, they covet a female coworker or some random girl on the street.

    I, too, am now in the camp that believes no matter how sexual a wife might be with her husband…that won’t stop him from watching porn or wanting other women.
    I used to think it was mostly women who weren’t meeting their husbands needs that complained about this.
    I was wrong. My husband made me feel bad for having a high sex drive, but in reality he was using porn and also possibly having sex with somebody else.
    And it’s hard to reconcile that with a person who is otherwise kind, loving, caring, and all of the things I admire about him.

    I have lots of sex with him again since last year (TMI, I apologize)…but I still feel like he has thoughts/fantasies of other women while intimate with me.
    Now I understand why a former fiance of his (not the high school girlfriend, but another lady who came later) shut down sexually with him. She probably realized that he was subconsciously comparing her to porn or to the ex-girlfriend, and wanted no part of it.

    Reply
  15. justme

    Just yesterday was out running errands with him. I’m four years out now from finding out about his addiction in a 20 year plus marriage. The ptsd is real. I caught him watching this young 20 something year old. Every time I talked to him his eyes were following her all over the store. I was almost to the point of asking if he’d like to ask her out. He’s 55 so kind of gross right? Anyway all the ptsd feelings have been back the last few days. I was doing well but I’m just sooo tired of it.

    Reply

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