What if you’re not a stay-at-home mom?
I’m processing a lot about the book Stained Glass Ceilings by Lisa Swartz that we talked about yesterday on the podcast. In it, one of Lisa’s big questions was how different faith expressions handle gender, and she studied two different seminaries–one egalitarian and one complementarian–to answer that question
Our discussion on the podcast was really interesting, but I’m looking over my notes and I have a few more things I’d like to talk about in more depth (I never have time in podcasts to say everything that’s on my mind!).
One of Lisa Swartz’ big points in her book is that being in an egalitarian space does not mean that women automatically are more supported or have it easier. Sometimes the idea that “we don’t do gender here” actually still makes men the standard, and women just have to adapt. So while women can be considered for all positions, they can really only do so if they fit into the male mold.
In complementarian circles it’s even harder, because the man is supposed to be the authority and the leader and provider; he’s supposed to earn the money and lead the family, while the wife nurtures the husband and kids and cares for the house.
But what if SHE is the one who is studying at the seminary, rather than him? And many of the male students had wives who were working to support them, so the husband was hardly the provider anymore.
Just a few stories that illustrate the issue:
What if you out-earn your husband?
Lisa shares an interview she did with a male student at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, talking about the marriage relationship:
I have the burden of knowing what’s going on with the household. I’ll give you a story to illustrate. [My wife] was in the elevator with some of her coworkers and they were talking about paychecks and stuff. She said, “I don’t even know how much I make.” And they’re like, “What?!” And she said, “My husband takes care of all that.” And then they got closer to the bottom and they asked, “Didn’t you bring an umbrella today?” She’s like, “No, my husband didn’t tell me I needed it.” So even though she’s going to work, there was still a headship there.
Okay, let’s leave aside the absolute asinine idea that a woman shouldn’t know how much she makes, or that she needs HIM to tell her if it’s raining.
That’s infuriating and in and of itself.
But just look at how, if you don’t fit the mold because you’re the provider, you twist yourself in knots to make sure your relationship still looks like he’s the one in charge and she is his subordinate.
It reminds me of the study that showed that women who out-earned their husbands tended to do even a greater share of the housework, to “make up” for the fact that they weren’t abiding by typical gender roles.
What if you’re not a domestic goddess?
Much of the social supports for the wives of seminary students at SBTS revolved around women’s meetings where you learned how to be a good hostess, how to budget, how to meal prep and clean, etc. And many of these meetings were taught by Mary Mohler, the wife of seminary president Al Mohler.
Apparently she bakes amazing pies, and she’s also really good at learning the women’s names and organizing these meetings.
But as Lisa Swartz asks:
But here there is a catch: not all women are Mary Mohler. Not all seminary wives have personalities, interests, and gifts that equip them for the scripts she so gracefully embodies…Perhaps even more importantly, not all women who are suited to the kind of leadership and authority Mary Mohler exercises will be married to a man like Al Mohler.
One of the reasons I tend to not enjoy women’s ministry events at churches was because I always found the crafts so silly. I didn’t want to paint another mason jar or make a Christmas wreath. I would have been much happier just bringing my knitting or, even better still, doing something that helped others, like packing kits for the homeless or something.
But so often these women’s meetings at church focused on domestic arts. There’s nothing wrong with domestic arts. We all need to be able cook (men need to cook too!), and running a household is a skill. But surely there’s more than that to life? And when most events for women that happen at church focus on the domestic arts, what does that tell women about our role in the kingdom, or what being a Christian is like?
Some women may really enjoy this (and there’s nothing wrong with that). But when it’s the main thing, you have to ask if we’ve lost the plot somewhere.
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How do women combine ministry and family?
In her discussions of women at Asbury, an egalitarian seminary, Lisa Swartz found that women were still in a bind. Just being egalitarian didn’t mean life was necessarily easier.
While men’s private roles flow much more seamlessly toward their churchly ambitions, as the next section shows, women can easily feel torn between their vocational paths and their personal lives…..
Married men also benefit from the same second shift that burdens women. Lessened domestic responsibility allows them more time and emotional energy to devote to academic work, professional networking, ministry opportunities, and social media presences. Moreover, they are also the recipients of the nurture women provide. The products of feminine domesticity—seasonal decorations, hand-lettered birthday cards, scented candles, and dinner parties—nourish their bodies and souls. While women struggle to imagine how they will combine the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood with ministry and church leadership, men know that family life likely will facilitate, rather than compete with, their vocational aspirations.
When it is still women who tend to do these “domestic arts”, then having a career, whether in ministry or in the secular workplace, is simply harder for women.
And this is doubly true at church, where women have volunteered forever. The thought that you’d rather have a paid position seems selfish for women in a way that it doesn’t for a man, Lisa Swartz found:
Men often framed their calling stories in terms of service or sacrifice. Chad, for example, specifically mentioned choosing ministry over a career in lucrative, high-status fields like engineering, medicine, or law. Tyler explained that he left a good job to come to seminary. Women, in contrast, often seemed concerned that their decision to attend seminary might make them look too ambitious.
When women work, women often feel guilty, like they are abandoning their family, in a way that men do not.
Is there space for single women?
In SBTS, some of the single female students felt that there really wasn’t a place for them. Lisa Swartz made a point of noting that the most impressive student she met at Southern was an unmarried female. Yet her career options were limited, and she knew this.
But she also felt like she didn’t fit. She was seen as a threat by the wives on campus, because she was a single woman interacting with male students, who often avoided her so as not to show any impropriety.
But she couldn’t find female companionship either because the “women’s” events were for the wives of seminary students. She wouldn’t benefit from classes on how to bake pies or keep your husband sexually satisfied. So where was she to go?
Is there space for working women?
In a similar vein, where do working women network in Christian spaces? At Asbury, there weren’t regular women’s events like there were at SBTS. And I’ve found that trend in the churches that I’ve been in too–while there are often women’s Bible studies during the day, there’s little for women who work.
Now, often women who work outside the home don’t have time for another event, and don’t necessarily want one. But it does mean that there are not natural times to build female companionship once a woman works outside the home. She’s now on the outside of the typical female space at church.
It’s hard to fit in at church if you don’t fit the stereotypical mold.
It reminds me of some of our findings from our study for The Great Sex Rescue: Acting out stereotypical gender roles where he works and she stays home is perfectly fine, but as soon as you believe there’s only one way to do things, bad things happen.
As long as you arrange family life in a way you both genuinely choose, you can choose whatever you want! But if you feel like things have to be a certain way, then you’ll tend to experience a lot more frustration and disappointment.
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I think the only thing that will start to chip away at this problem is if we stop seeing the home and kids as her responsibility and work as his, and we start seeing the home and kids and income as THEIR responsibility to work out as fits them best.
So some couples will have stay at home dads; some will have stay at home moms. Some will have one parent work part-time and one work full-time, and it doesn’t matter which. Some may have both work full-time.
But then we don’t consider the home her responsibility, or expect her to do the nurturing work at church and at home to keep everything going while he’s exempt from it.
Let’s remember that men are capable of nurture too, and women are capable of work. The home needs both. And maybe, if we stopped the expectation that one (nurturing) fell primarily on her no matter what, we could develop healthier families.
What do you think? Have you ever felt left out of church spaces because you don’t fit the mold? Let’s talk in the comments!
> > “Didn’t you bring an umbrella today?” She’s like, “No, my husband didn’t tell me I needed it.”
There are no words. None.
Is it just me, or am I picking up a little bit of passive-aggressive ‘look how wonderfully submissive I’m being’? I find it hard to believe that any woman could genuinely be so mindless.
And what did he have to do to train her to be so brainless?? I’m wondering how passive-aggressive (of maybe just plain aggressive) he has had to be to crush her brain to meaninglessness?
Sadly I think a lot of daughters that have grown up in this have come ready-made-submissive for their husbands. At least I saw some of that before in my circle. And if you are taught you are not smart, then taught that any hint of thinking you might be smart or discerning is actually pridefulness and sinful, it’s a hateful combination.
When I first read that umbrella quote, my brain kept going to the Gothard “umbrellas” and trying to figure out how that was a double play on words.
Our daughter (now 41) and her brother were raised in an egalitarian home, I was the seminary student at the evangelical-women in-ministry affirming seminary, Spiritual leader at home, then ordained solo church pastor. yet my daughter chose to pursue a very traditional life. We gave her the freedom to choose her adult life except she chose an abusive narcissist alcoholic who love bombed her with material things. He was so abusive she forgot how to think for herself and became totally dependent on him. The only way she found to escape him was through drug and alcohol addiction which cost her total loss of custody of her 3 children. My point: Though often so, it’s not always the way they are raised. There are many ways the Evil One lures us away from a healthy way of being.
Hi Rev. Carlene Appel,
I certainly wasn’t making a point that only women raised that way become that, nor saying that every woman raised that way was doomed to follow that path. I expressed that if you have been raised that way, you have been primed to accept that as your “fate,” and are far less likely to view a healthy way as, well, healthy. Many people raised in many different ways have become ensnared by unhealthy people.
I hope your daughter is healing from her addictions and is safe now.
I experienced this feeling of exclusion frequently while attending certain churches in lower mainland BC. The activities in most women’s events were SO BORING to me. When I would voice my disconnect and suggest other options for future events it was met with polite assurances of being heard, but no concrete changes, even if I offered to help facilitate.
The other point of disconnect has been in discussion topics. I’m not one for small talk or long conversations that revolve around family, home life and children, as much as I love my own kiddos. But in women’s circles at churches these seem to be the primary topics that conversation sticks to, and my brain melts of boredom. When I do try to steer the conversation into other interesting and deeper topics often the energy in the other person/group changes to one of nervousness or uncertainty, as though they are not sure what to say. Apparently I have an affinity for inappropriate conversational topics by church standards (like sexual health and gender roles). Especially if my views are different than those of church leadership. 😉
Kauri, this is me, too. Talking about patterns of male abuse, facets of eglalitarianism, etc., usually get a change of subject…
Wow, I relate to this! When I left my home community to go to university the pastor prayed for me on stage in front of the congregation. Before doing this though, he made a comment about how my purpose in going to university was “to find a boyfriend” in front of the ENTIRE congregation. 18 year old me was humiliated.
You’ve got to be kidding! Wow!
I’ve spent most of my life feeling left out at church because of not fitting the mould!
I’ve never been a girly girl – although I would have LOVED women’s events that involved decorating jars or making Christmas wreaths because they would have been so much better than the women’s events most churches offer – beauty tips, fashion shows, ideas for weight loss and healthy eating…Even the invitations to the women’s events were usually sugar pink with a border of high heeled shoes and handbags. Bleurgh!!!! And don’t get me started on the way that men’s breakfasts are always full cooked breakfasts while women get pastries and coffee because that’s what women want… Please can the church accept that you can be a happily single, scruffy-jeans-wearing, fashion-UNconscious, pink-hating, bacon-sarnie-loving DIY fan and still be a Christian woman?
The teaching content for women wasn’t much better either – ‘now, ladies, we all know what it’s like to get frustrated with our husband and children, don’t we?’ Um, not if you’re single and/or childless, you don’t! Not to mention endless talks on ‘how to study the Bible with hubby’ or ‘how to find purpose as a stay at home mother’. And the way people felt free to discuss my chances of finding ‘the right man’ and matchmade me with some totally horrendous examples without even ASKING if I wanted to be married or not (I didn’t!). Grrrr!!!!!
Now that I am married – and to a church minister – you’d think it would be better, but it isn’t. While my husband is 100% supportive and adamant that neither I nor anyone else gets pushed into a mould because of our gender, age or marital status, it’s not quite so easy to undo generations of assumption on behalf of the church itself. I’m constantly getting side-swipe comments for not providing home-made baked goods for our weekly coffee morning, and I also get critical comments for being the one who handles all the DIY and gardening in our home. “But you’re the minister’s wife!” Yes. And I didn’t get a personality transplant on our wedding day. I’m still useless at interpersonal stuff and he’s still useless at assembling flat-pack furniture. So please stop expecting us to job swap to fit your gendered ideas of ‘appropriate’ behaviour from pastor and wife!
“And i didn’t get a personality transplant on our wedding day.” Exactly!
It is frustrating. I wonder why churches don’t realize that younger women don’t tend to like these events? And if you want younger women in church, you have to do what younger women want?
“And if you want younger women in church, you have to do what younger women want?”
When I was in my late 20s, the church I was in at the time asked myself and another single woman in her late 30s to join the ‘ladies’ events planning team’ because they were concerned they weren’t getting any young women to their events. “When does the committee meet?” we asked. “2pm on Wednesday afternoons” was the reply. Which was also the time of most of their ladies’ meetings. It shouldn’t have needed two working women to point out to them that they were not going to get many working age women at a midweek afternoon event!!!
They did start having more evening and weekend events after that. But then they planned their annual conference and all the seminars were based on marriage and parenting. We suggested they needed someone to speak on a topic relevant to single women too. They booked a missionary home on furlough who was involved in the most incredible ministry in Africa, and I was really excited to hear her – until they insisted she spoke on “How I cope with being single.” I bet no one ever in the history of women’s meetings has been asked to speak on “how I cope with being married”!!!
Angharad, I would love to sit and chat with you, I want to hear your tale!! When I was in college, someone actually asked why I was bothering to study engineering because it “wouldn’t help with being a good wife and mother.”
OMG! Are we twins?????
I absolutely loathe women’s events, because the topics and general conversations are always about subjects I had no interest in: kid tips, fashion tips, hair and makeup tips. (And once we found out we were infertile, my interest in kid tips went, not to zero, but to negative a zillion.)
I agree: blech!
In mixed-group gatherings, I was always hanging with the guys, who would be talking about much more interesting topics: computer programming, space launches, football (American, not soccer). (Kaylee Frye minus the weird obsession with hoop skirts.)
And I loved your example discussion topic: “how to find purpose as a stay at home mother.” The IRONY that Christian women would have to have a class in that, being raised from birth that marriage and motherhood are a Christian woman’s highest calling. If that declaration were actually true, wouldn’t women find their “ultimate purpose” inherently fulfilling rather than—cough, cough—having to gaslight one another and one’s own self into trying to live it out? 🙄
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The last two years, we’ve been fixing up our house. My stepmom and I have replaced all the ceiling fans, light fixtures, outlets, and light switches; overseen the remodeling of both bathrooms; repaired, primed, and painted the wooden back porch; wrapped the porch posts to make them look stouter (requiring a compound miter saw and a nail gun); and replaced the inadequate downspouts on said porch (among other tasks). Mr. R. did the rolling when we repainted the entire inside of the house, and he used an angle grinder to remove old paint of a concrete patio, then painted it fresh. He and I trade off driving our Scag to mow the two acres behind our house.
I have an engineering degree. I have worked as a computer programmer. I loathe all things kitchen and would gladly give up everything to do with food if eating were not necessary to maintain life. My favorite clothes are jeans and a t-shirt, but at least I upgraded my sneakers to cowboy boots.
Yeah, I’ve fitted in well at all the churches I’ve attended the last thirty-five years! 🤣 🤣 🤣
You and I may be kindred spirits. Kaylee is one of my heroes. I am an engineer by education. I did stay home with my kids so now, I can’t easily, go back to engineering (at 56). But we bought a farm property during Covid and there is so much to do. And I am learning how to use all the tools.
I have two beautiful daughters. One has graduated from Engineering and one is studying Engineering. They are busy with their lives and can’t visit home often. Neither is particularly domestic.
And, I have now been assigned cooking for all the holidays. I was fortunate my mother-in-law did it before. I hate cooking. They all sit and talk in the living room while I get dinner. Then they all sit and talk while I clean up. My girls will offer to help when they are home. I basically miss the social part. And I am the one who is home alone the most.
And these people aren’t religious. It’s just how society taught them life would be. And, honestly, my mother-in-law has very little to contribute to conversation. She spent years being domestic.
Also, equality seems to mean women get to be involved with yard work, mowing, snow, home maintenance AND do all the domestic work. It’s weird.
“And, I have now been assigned cooking for all the holidays.”
Yeah, “no” is a complete sentence.
Or, make what YOU want. We’ve had lasagna for a recent Christmas, and for Thanksgiving I’m leaning toward a recipe called “Tuscan chicken stew.” It’s a pound of chicken cut in chunks and tossed with rosemary, salt, and pepper, then browned in some olive oil. Then dump in 2 cans of drained cannellini beans, 2 jars of roasted red bell peppers julienned and with their juice, and a bag of baby spinach also julienned. And as much fresh garlic as you want. Serve with some garlic bread and an optional salad or steamed broccoli.
Easy peasy, and make it a day ahead for the flavors to really meld.
You noticed that too huh? Equality just means women are “allowed” to do even more, at least in the eyes of organized Christianity.
That sounds delicious!!!!!! Please send me the recipe. I just completed installing bamboo plank floors in 3 rooms, installing/taping/mudding some new drywall in the kitchen, and now putting up new tile for the backsplashes. So simplicity of menu is a great thing in the midst of construction. While I don’t hate cooking, it’s nice to have options if I’m feeling too exhausted to whip up traditional favorites.
Amen. So often women’s events feel like you are being asked to conform to a mould of what a “Christian woman” should be. I was always so jealous of the men getting to eat bacon butties and go and do archery, whilst we had craft evenings and cake.
It is high time that the modern American church recognized Christian women as fully redeemed and complete saints — not just ‘females’.
Along with being saints, we have been fully called and fully ordained by God for the ministry of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Now the church should fully equip women and fully endorse us for ministry, in whatever path of life GOD chooses for us.
No more ‘secondary sainthood’ for women. No more misogyny and subjugation and suppression of the daughters of the Most High.
No more typecasting and role rigidity and shutting down of women’s talent and vision. It’s not what Jesus would do.
(I am a mother of nine, outdoorsy, mechanically inclined, build my own furniture, single mother, and a pastor (not formally ordained but naturally functioning and recognized by my church). Both women and men come to me for guidance and support. My church recognizes and encourages both men and women as fully redeemed and equally ordained by God. We serve together at all levels.
When I first came to this church, I wondered what planet these people were from. It is so different — and so much better — than the patriarchal religious systems I grew up in.)
Your comment instantly made me think of this scene from “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” With only slight tweaks, women are starting to say exactly this to the men who have been running the church and women’s lives. And it’s about d@mn time.
https://youtu.be/LTgahyvBMk4
Not exactly on topic, but I wish you knew how much I needed to see that clip just as the daughter of parents who feel I owe them unmerited respect, devotion, and compliance! My brain and emotions need some processing time. I’ve tried sharing some feelings similar to this (I’m not so eloquent) but it was poorly received.
Thanks for sharing!!
I’m with you on that. I’m 53, and my dad still thinks that I should defer to his demands.
It is a great speech, and it’s strangely applicable to women in a pretty large swath of Christianity (now that Brenda’s comment triggered the connection in my poor-quality lady brain).
And completely off topic, this is absolutely one of my favorite scenes in any movie (trigger warning for a racial slur):
https://youtu.be/lQ55mKdvSuw
Mr. R. and I often say merely “Furthermore to that,” then erupt in gales of laughter.
Hugs if you want ’em. ❤️
I have always wanted to write a book about this EXACT topic called “I Don’t Like Crafts, Could I Still Be a Christian?”
“I don’t like crafts, am I a REAL woman?”
All the commenters so far sound similar to me!😂 I’m in an odd place at my church: I don’t know of anyone else my age who is not in the couples class (I go to the 40+ plus Sunday school, much older than me). I rarely have much to contribute to conversations, since they mostly involve children or family/friends that I don’t know. Even our Sunday school lessons feel like the same things get repeated book after book over a year (either that or they are questions that I am not comfortable discussing with people I don’t really know know, if you get my drift). I’m interested in science, nature, the fantasy genre, DIY, theology and church history, so I rarely find anyone else with similar interests (admittedly, I rarely mention my interests, it’s just less awkward that way). The irony is that most people would call me theologically “conservative”, yet I don’t know what topics and stances would be “safe” for conversations without causing awkwardness (do I mention that I still consider Catholics christians even if I don’t agree with their upper levels, or that the video game that I’m playing has a touching story but it involves dragons and a generations long “curse” being undone?).
Yes, I know most would say invite friends or find another church. But the thing is, due to being out of college I don’t have any other friends (the one I made in church was an older science/ag. teacher who moved away). And I have other family in this church who I help out when we do church events. I guess I just content myself with being in limbo.
Sorry for the essay, but I guess this is a rare sight of similar people for me.😅
God has made each of us to be unique. 1 Corinthians 12 is very clear about how he has gifted us. Each of my children are different from the other. I don’t want them to be forced into a box because it’s what I think is best for them. I want them to hear God’s leading, not just my insistence that they have to submit to my opinions. I think that Gothardism and other stereotypical teachers have tried to put women and men into a mold God never intended. Now we as a church are dealing with the ugly fallout of this mindset.
You are so right.
Even churches who don’t say it out loud tend to buy it, and if you (as a woman) say what needs to be said out loud, why then, YOU become the problem!
That makes the situation sound hopeless. It’s not, really, but it will take a lot of effort to change this conversation.
I actually think it’s rather insulting to God’s abilities as a Creator to try to lump us into molds or boxes. How little must we think of God to try to reduce His creative process?
Lisa Johns and Nessie. Thank you.
“How little must we think of God to try to reduce His creative process?”
Yes!!!
I have acquaintances who are among the current generation of young moms, and I hear them all the time trying to gaslight themselves into thinking that they are SOOOOO happy in their AWESOME PURPOSE of (being trapped in the house while they are) rAiSiNg the NeXt GeNeRaTiOn… and what are they raising the next generation to do? Why, raise the NEXT generation, of course! Doesn’t anybody see that raising a generation to raise a generation means we’ll be raising generations to raise generations in perpetuity, and none of those generations will ever invent flying cars or find the cure for cancer because they’ll all be busy raising the next generation?!
Listen, people, childraising is awesome, and I loved it, but it can also be also painfully stunting if you think that’s all there is! Not to mention that when the children grow up and they no longer need your raising skills, you have little to do except meddle in their lives, and no one wants a mom who can’t let go of her adult children.
Get a life, ladies.
Just to clarify, I wasn’t talking to anyone in this group as I wrote this comment. Its something that has been bothering me for quite a while, and this is the first opportunity I have had to “word” it out.
Reading this article and all these comments confirms yet again what I have begun to realize over a couple of years: my church, although not “hard” complementarian, is not a safe place for women such as myself: I have a rather high IQ, I am a bit of a nerd, I am questioning EVERYTHING, I am likely to start texting the pastor and shredding his sermon WHILE HE’S PREACHING IT(!), my marriage was a disaster and no one really knows how to handle me now that I have learned that it really isn’t the end of the world if I speak up about it, or that I am getting a divorce, or that I DEFEND divorce (I shared last week’s podcast and blog with my pastor and told him I thought he needed to take a Sunday and correct the last sermon in which he discussed divorce); I have spent a lot of years stuffing down some pretty strong feelings, so if they start coming out now it’s likely to be with geyser force; I hate our sappy little women’s meetings where we get sent home with a plastic charcuterie board and an instruction sheet (blurgh); and although (as I said) I absolutely loved childrearing, I never got it down well enough that I was comfortable in the role. Plus I had a lot of struggles with mental health (and the state of my marriage helped exactly nothing), and all of that has left my family relationships rather fraught. This is not the church’s definition of the Proverbs 31 woman, ya know? So I am in a pretty good place as far as finding some freedom and beginning to grow toward the light, but the ‘friends’ I always thought I’d be able to count on, well, I’m an oddball and I’m finding out that most of them aren’t really even good friends. (I am finding out who the true friends are, though, and I’ve been forming friendships outside that circle, finally.) It’s sad, but it’s true — “church” hasn’t really panned out for me. The women seem to do well enough with people who aren’t too smart and don’t try to do things outside of the ‘feminine’ milieu, but seriously, don’t go round getting out of a toxic marriage and working on your Master’s degree. Nobody got time for that! (Except me. I’ve got time for that!)
For years, I felt like I didn’t fit in with the women’s ministry at my past churches because I was divorced and childless since my mid-twenties. I do question lots of things about the Bible and church and find that the people around me just accept things because “that’s what the Bible says.” They don’t consider the context, the language, the time the Bible was written, who wrote certain books and to whom the audience was. I guess I’m a deep thinker and want to get to the bottom of things. Thankfully, I have been out of a toxic marriage over 21 years ago. During that time, I took a hard college biology class while working full-time. That was tough and exhausting. Kuddos to you for moving forward in your life and bravely speaking to your pastor about divorce and his sermons.
“This is not the church’s definition of the Proverbs 31 woman, ya know?”
But the church’s definition of the Proverbs 31 woman doesn’t seem to have much to do with the Proverbs 31 definition of the Proverbs 31 woman either!!! She was a pretty awesome business manager and investor, which is very definitely NOT what is meant by most church people when they encourage women to be ‘more Proverbs31’!
Right? She was a badass executive!
Good on you for moving forward with your life, questioning your pastor, etc.!
I hear you about finding out who your true friends are. Any season of sifting and refining like that can be so painful but it is so amazing to emerge and see the few but faithful who come through that with you.
Yes, it definitely is! And it’s amazing who you find as well. I found a new(old) friend this morning who really blessed me after a hard conversation with one of my sons!
Lisa it’s nice to know I’m not the only one…
You are NOT the only one, sister! Hugs if that’s acceptable!
My ex-husband was a pastor, and I was not cut out of the pastor’s wife cloth. I never felt like I fit in the role. I felt like I was expected to be, like you say here, a host and a small group leader and a pie baker (all great skills!), but I am 100% a person who prefers not to be noticed. I struggled a lot to understand how my abilities could contribute to the world and church (I studied literature in school and love writing and research). I remember talking about it with my ex and he was like, “You can edit the church bulletin for typos!” and my heart just sank, like… that’s what I was good for? And the expectation was that I would eventually stay at home with the kids, so I didn’t think my skills would be used in the working world either. It was disheartening.
Now I work as a writer with a group of medical researchers helping them publish their studies, and it’s so affirming to have my own skills valued instead of trying to shoehorn myself into a role that I just don’t fit.
I’m so glad you feel valued now and your skills are being used!
You were … the “woman they wanted.” !!!
I’m so happy for you that you are able to use your skills now!
This wasn’t really mentioned, but one of the things that was hard for me joining a women’s Bible study in my 20’s was that after a short Bible study, the conversation would inevitably lead to someone talking about how unhappy she was about not being married or dating someone and wondering what was wrong with her. It drove me beserk. Most of these ladies were very intelligent, hard working, and talented. I left the study after a couple of months because I couldn’t fathom this being a repeated topic for the whole year. I asked my boyfriend at the time if there was a session spent at the single men’s Bible study assuring another man that there was nothing wrong with him just because he was single. He laughed and said no.
It made me sad that my options for a women’s Bible study were commiserate over singleness or nothing, and that there was such a correlation between a woman’s marital status and her self esteem.
I know many single women grieve that they are not married, and this is not intended in any way to dismiss their very real pain. But I do wonder if we would have fewer women who find singleness so hard if we as a church had not ‘trained’ them to find it hard. When church girls are raised from a very young age with the view that marriage is the only way to happiness and fulfilment and when church constantly sends the message that women who don’t marry will be miserable and lonely, it’s not surprising if they find it extra-hard staying single. In fact, it can be very hard owning up to being a happily single Christian woman – I absolutely loved being single, but I found that while I got loads of sympathy and kindness from people who assumed that I was devastated not to have married, as soon as they found out that I didn’t want to marry, they got really nasty!
My gut feeling is that if you raise girls in a church where singleness is upheld as a valid, worthwhile status and where there are many single women being good, positive role models, you would find single girls in that church much less likely to be miserable than those raised in churches were marriage was seen as their only hope of happiness. Unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll ever see any surveys testing the accuracy of this idea because I don’t think there are enough churches that do teach positively about singleness!
Yes, exactly! Instead of pushing marriage as the thing we must all strive for, I wish we could push emotional health and wholeness. Then everyone would be better off!
Thank you! I’ve always felt exactly this when it comes to women’s groups and women’s roles in church. I’m 27 and (thankfully) still young enough to attend the YA group. I fit in just fine in YA because it’s co-ed and none of the teaching or activities are stereotypically female. My churches women’s group is comprised of 35+ year old wives and mothers. I have very little in common with these women, so it’s hard to get a sense of community. And of course their idea of “fun” is very different than mine. My YA group still does outdoor dinners with yard games and sports. One of our favorite activities is nerf wars. I’m sorry, but I’d still rather hit each other with foam darts than play bunco or paint flowers. I’d rather watch the latest Marvel or DC movie than sit through War Room.
To make matters worse, women’s groups seem more like Christian book clubs than Bible studies. Why someone else’s interpretation of the Bible, when we can open God’s Word ourselves? It’s almost like women don’t believe they can understand the Word without a man teaching them.
Meg,
I totally agree that women’s Bible studies seem to be more about book clubs than actual Bible reading. I tend to get bored in the middle of these studies and regret that I ever bought that book in the first place even though I’m a huge book lover.
Fwiw, Meg, I’m a middle-aged SAHM and a nerf war sounds amazing as do outside games and suppers! 😀 (After dark idea- use light sabers that actually light up. Bonus if they make sound.)
I think a lot of women, when they become moms, forget to have fun like that because they are thrown into the role of controlling the chaos and are looked down upon by others trying to maintain the mold.
Instead of seeing the married moms as the ideal role model, maybe us moms should get out of our heads a bit and look to those without kids, younger, and/or single to be role models, too.
Nessie: I’m a mom in my mid-30s and I am 100% down with an after dark lightsaber battle! I would totally make the noise, too. My husband would want in on it too. We are complete and utter dorks who love to have fun and be silly together. Keeps life interesting. 🙂
Oh, that’s so true!
Women need a place to talk about their grief without feeling like the people around them are rolling their eyes (or smugly pitying). It’s not all about self-esteem (actually, very little of it is). Sometimes it’s about giving up on what you always dreamed of (children, lasting companionship, sex, etc.). Sometimes it’s about working through disappointment that God hasn’t given you what he’s given all your friends so you’ll never be a part of the married girls’ club. More often than not, it’s about being treated like you’re immature because you’re unmarried. In addition, the knowledge that people who are dating or married just want you to pretend you’re content makes it all worse.
Where, other than a single women’s group, are single women allowed to grieve over these things together? If you can’t handle the grief of a single woman, attend a different group.
Ruth, you are absolutely right that women who are grieving singleness need a safe space to share their pain. I think the point that Sara A was trying to make is that it shouldn’t become the sole focus every time a group of women gather to study the Bible together. If a woman is so distressed by her singleness (or any other issue) that she needs to spend a long period of time each week talking about it, then that needs to be provided in a one-to-one meeting or in a gathering specifically for the purpose of supporting those experiencing the same situation. But it’s unfair to have maybe 15 or 20 women turn up to study a Bible passage or topic week after week, only for the study topic to be skated over in favour of an hour or two talking about the same topic that was discussed last week, and the week before, and the week before…(It also sounds as if the women in Sara A’s example were not being that helpful to the single lady, but were encouraging her to feel that she could only find a purpose in life through marriage)
It is interesting how people’s experiences are so different. I wonder sometimes if these differences happen in different geographic areas or just depend on the particular church you are in–or both? As a stay at home mom and now an almost empty nester, my experiences have been the different than many who have written here: while there are many women’s events with the crafts mentioned, I get disappointed because most of the women’s events are on evenings or weekends, exactly when I’d prefer to be home with my family. Though I am glad women who work outside the home can enjoy and participate, I don’t. Now we do have women’s Bible studies both during the day and also evenings and weekends. But honestly overall, I would say the area where I live (southern part of Texas) and the churches I’ve been in either have more women who work outside the home, or they just try to be more conscious. I see and feel the opposite, where being a woman who doesn’t work outside the home is rare.
Now sometimes I feel that because I don’t work outside of the home (though I did for a number of years), some women think I am judging them for working–absolutely not! In fact, I remember how very difficult and unfair it seemed to be that though years ago I worked 40 hrs a week also, I still took care of the housework, cooking, laundry, etc. I love being a homemaker, but have no judgment for those who don’t. And I have encouraged our young adult daughters (one is engaged and the other is in a long relationship and probably will be soon) and who both have careers to encourage their guys to also participate in home duties. I have no problem doing all the home things when my husband is bringing home the only paycheck. However if he’s not, it seems fair to share them. (Though also keeping in mind other duties he may have like mowing, car maintenance, etc.) If everyone is going to have careers, I do hope it all is done fairly–for all! And knowing some women prefer to mow and some men prefer to cook–I hope each couple finds what works for them!
I know this is a touchy subject for so many, and I do hope I’ve stepped on no toes, so please be kind. 😊 There are always lots of angles to these things and it’s hard to sometimes see another’s viewpoint. But just know that although someone else has chosen a different path, they can still support you in yours. And back to my main point…..maybe the impressions people get are sometimes dependent on other factors like the area in which you live…each church, each community is different.
It must be lonely if most women that you could be friends with aren’t home during the day! But they do have women’s Bible studies during the weekday? So the only issue is the big women’s events being on weekends or in the evenings?
I think it’s important for us to remember that whatever the “average” is of a culture, the outliers will likely be the ones to feel the loneliest, and we should try to be compassionate and adjust our sails as able. I feel like Jesus knew that, hence leaving the 99 to go after the 1. I know that isn’t what the scripture is about really, but I feel it can apply in a way here, too, when compared with verses such as “a cord of 3 strands.”
Yes! I don’t like pink. (I like strong, bold colors like navy blue, forest green, & dark purple.)
I’ve always out-earned my husband, who was a stay-at-home dad for a long while (& boy did he not fit in at church then!).
I’ve never been a stay-at-home mom. Nor do I homeschool. My child is in public school.
I don’t like to cook and have zero talent for cooking.
I think women’s Bible studies tend to be watered down (I agree with Aimee Byrd about women’s curriculum in general.)
I was single until I was 40, so I understand all about the feeling out of place if you’re single!
I usually find the men’s conversations more interesting, especially when they’re on intellectual topics.
I like bacon a lot and think there needs to be more bacon at women’s events.
Yes to what you all are saying. 🙂
We should start a campaign: “Bacon for Women!”
I LOVE THIS! Bacon for Women!!!!
Hey, now, no need to discriminate on our breakfast meats. We can have sausage too (patties and even links).
Now I hear Glynis Johns shouting “Bacon for Women!” lol!
At a comp church, I was a SAHM and it was my choice to do so (hubs was fine if I preferred to work, but I honestly felt called to stay home. I also understand that is a luxury many do not have.) I actually was pretty darn good at it (I hope that doesn’t come across boastful- it’s taken me years to be able to say anything self-positive and I still worry I sound boastful).
But as a SAHM, I neither homeschooled nor lived in the “better” school district with the few publicly-schooled families. I like crafts but really only utile ones. I don’t understand “throw” pillows, I bake and cook well but prefer outdoor tasks and tools, I don’t like or buy the “Christian company” trendy clothes or purses, I mostly wear jeans and work boots, and I don’t “do” my hair. Hence I was never really let into their circles. I didn’t fit their mold; my kid didn’t fit their mold (neuro-diversity). The church became one of the loneliest, most unsupportive places for me on the whole.
I sometimes wonder if they like to keep their boxes so tiny because it makes them feel holier. I heard Matthew 7:14 referenced fairly often.
I think there is a sense where, if you can enforce a stereotype that you meet, you can feel, “I have it all together and I can judge those who don’t,” and it’s a very intoxicating feeling.
I don’t think that’s anyone’s actual motivation (especially not the older saints who have always done things this way), but I do think that’s the result which actually has positive reinforcement for those who do fit the stereotype.
Wow! These are great, honest conversations that I didn’t get from women’s Bible studies because they all seemed cookie cutter. I had been single from my mid twenties up until recently (with a prior engagement several years ago) so most of my adult years in church I never felt like I fit in, except for those first few years of singleness when I was at churches that had post college age ministries with mixes of married and single adults. I live in a smaller conservative town in SE New Mexico so I really do not fit in as a Christian. Any time I spoke up about my beliefs regarding gender roles that differed from what the rest believed, I was met with deafening silence. Sometimes, I wondered if I was truly a Christian. In some ways, I am a typical woman because I love pink and purple (I haven’t seen Lydia Purple on here in awhile), crafts, and if I had remarried when I was younger, I would have loved to have children and been a sahm. But for the most part, I am educated with a bachelor’s in English literature and working on my master’s in library science, I’m a self published author, I love research and want to learn more Bible and church history, and I’m just practical and down to earth. I struggled with singleness for many years due to church teachings which often revolved around marriage and family.
However, God used my uniqueness and my struggles to write a book called Living Single Today and at first, I wrote this book to feel encouraged. This is not a how to find the right person or prepare for marriage book which many Christian books about dating and singleness seem to be about. I wanted to write about making the most out of my life during this season. Celebrate Recovery is a great ministry I found that has helped me and it’s a great place to be for those who don’t feel like they fit it in at church. And this blog has been a wonderful place for me to find others I can relate to.
Thank you Sheila, Rebecca, and the Bare Marriage team for all you do!
I bet you will make an awesome librarian. I loved being one, and I still use what I learned as a librarian to homeschool and help in my husband’s and my at home business.
Oh my word have I experienced this! I have a Master’s degree. I felt looked down on by some simply for having education and especially for having more than my husband, and because I chose to work, I was looked down on by even more people. It didn’t matter that my work schedule is awesome and flexible and even a lot online!
I couldn’t attend women’s events because they were during the day, and honestly I didn’t and still don’t want to. I’m sick of being told how to be a good wife. I want discourse! Studies full of meat! I want to be treated like the intellectual, insightful, curious woman I am.
Of course, the choice to reject any of the patronizing, sometimes cloying women’s groups meant I’ve had to deal with loneliness. But what did I have in common with these women anyway? I was doing all the wife and mothering things, yes, but many of the women’s group I could have attended dealt with homeschooling, etc. , which I wasn’t doing. I felt like every “lesson” was a discussion of what I was doing wrong.
Not for me. I’d rather be lonely than subtly berated.
“patronizing, sometimes cloying.” <> Such an accurate description. Isn’t that sad?
“Have you ever felt left out of church spaces because you don’t fit the mold?” Absolutely. My husband was putting me through professional school and taking care of our kids for the first several years of our marriage. Now, we both work but roughly alternating days, so we split childcare responsibilities. Moms-only playgroups? Well, we won’t be participating because when my husband has the kids, they can’t come. Women’s events in the middle of a weekday? Odds are good I won’t be able to make it. Most of the moms I know through church connections are SAHM’s. That’s fine, and I can chat about kids and parenting as much as the next mom. But, being both a mom and a professional, I am definitely betwixt and between. There’s a whole side of my life that the other moms can’t relate to.
At the same time, my experience of being a professional is really different than the men’s. They just don’t have to balance family and career in the same way I do. It’s a weird place to be.
I empathize with all these comments. I work in a skilled blue-collar industry where I spend long periods of time isolated from “normal” society. I love looking feminine now and then, but most days I’m in safety boots and men’s work pants. I am highly educated and have nearly always out-earned my partners, and I can change my own flat tires, thankyouverymuch. I love watching my godkids and my friends’ kids. I’m a very non-traditional “auntie” but fear not, the kids are always safe, happy, well-fed, and the house is clean when the parents return.
I always felt an inkling that God was calling me, but absolutely could *not* fit in at most congregations. I am very skilled at code-shifting when walking into most religious spaces, but though I can chameleon like a pro, I feel deeply disconnected. There are many of us, both male and female, who find themselves on the opposite sides of these religious stereotypes – a female friend since childhood is a pastor, and her awesome husband gamely shows up to all the “pastor’s spouse” events to find … ah … a whole lot of scented candle-making, and sometimes a placecard marked “Mrs.”
It was while I was volunteering in a blue-collar capacity on a mission trip a few years ago that God finally got through to me. I was praying with a young man trade worker who felt pulled to ministry but also enjoyed his skilled labor. I said, God is calling you to be a tentmaker like Paul – think of all these people within your industry whom traditional churches ignore! …and I realized God was speaking to my heart as well. I brought this back to my home church, where they said, “What took you so long?? We knew God was calling you!” and I have since become a lay leader in my workplaces and at my church. I preach a very blue-collar gospel – but so did Jesus. Think of his disciples, male and female. They were all down-to-earth folks who didn’t fit the mold and didn’t fit in.
I firmly believe that God has created every human, in their uniqueness, in the image of God. We cannot see God directly, but by looking at other humans collectively, we can begin to perceive in their reflection what God is like. Each of you is made in the image of God! Without you, there would be a gap in the mosaic, a missing piece in our ability to see God. You are all equally valued, equally chased, equally loved, equally the temple of the Spirit.
What a great story!
I cried while reading this. I left my childhood church this year because there was no place for me as a single woman (and I’m only 19).
Unlike my peers, I didn’t move away for college—and my church had no idea what to do with me. I wasn’t a child. I wasn’t a mother. I wasn’t even dating or connected to a man in any significant way, so I didn’t matter to them. For a year, I was invisible. No one talked to me. No one invited me to lunch after church or asked me to join their small group. No one included me in Sunday school discussions.
I was convinced there was something wrong with me. It hurts to remember all the ways I tried to make myself someone worthy of basic human connection: wearing makeup for the first time, sitting up front so more people would see me even though my anxiety hated it, serving in a draining children’s ministry so maybe the moms would like me in return.
The church as a whole, and my old church especially, needs to wake up to the needs of single women and women who don’t fit the mold. I’m still looking for a church that does that.
And one final thought to wrap-up this long-winded comment: Christians need to stop shaming singles for having a “consumerist” mindset about church. I stayed at my old church far too long because I felt that my genuine, human need for connection was selfish. Yes, the church is not about catering to what my ears want to hear or every activity I wish they hosted. The church is about community—but I should be included in that community.
Absolutely you should be included, Rachel! I hope you’ve found a healthier one to land!
Dear Rachel, I just want to say a huge WELL DONE for having the courage and wisdom to realise all this at only 19 – I was a good bit older than you before I stopped apologising for not fitting the mould I was ‘meant’ to be in, so I think it’s awesome that you’ve reached that stage so young. I hope you find the right church home for you very soon.
But I disagree you are being ‘consumerist’ for moving churches. To my mind. a ‘consumerist’ mentality is a selfish one and is focussed on personal pleasure and interest. What you are doing is looking for a church where you can thrive and grow as the person God intended you to be – that is very definitely not consumerist!
YES. The pandemic necessitated a lot of big changes in our family (like everyone), but one of the big ones was my husband staying home and homeschooling our four young kids and me continuing to work. We prayed about it, talked about it, and decided this together. He was the first one to ask what our finances looked like with him at home.
We pray with the kids, we include Scripture in our lessons, we attend a Christian homeschool co-op, and we provide financial support for missions that move us. And it is hard emotionally and practically to participate in churches and other Christian groups. Everything is scheduled 3-4pm on weekdays for women.
The co-op has various events throughout the year (almost always during work hours) where “dads” are invited. I attend as many as I can with my schedule, and I end up being there more often than any of the other “dads” but it feels chilly.
Many of the moms there are highly educated and struggle with the stigma of being “only a homemaker” in the wider community. I often feel like that insecurity feeds a desire for me to be a “bad mom” to justify the home-mom model they’ve chosen. Maybe I’m psyching myself out, but I feel the low level glee when I’m at an event and one of my kids misbehaves or has a tantrum (they’re good kids, just very young…3,5,5,9).
I think being a stay at home parent is wonderful and we have potential plans to switch places when the kids are older. I’m proud of my husband (and he faces challenges too).
It just hurts to get dinged by the sisterhood and always be crawling out of a deficit because I…earn money?
PS – my job is hard. Getting my job was hard. Getting my degree was hard. And saying that feels like audacity upon audacity in these groups.
There are so many “systems” in place that make living life feel like a competition, and we can really hurt one another just trying to make ourselves feel better, e.g. SAH wives feeling satisfaction when a working mom’s kid misbehaves. I wish SAHwives would instead see the potential that working women have to reach other people for Christ (clients, co-workers) as well as making good use of their God-gifted talents and learned skills. Conversely, I wish working women would see the potential SAH wives have for raising up Christians- be it their own children or meeting with other people. They each have purpose and potential.
I think so much boils down to insecurity… If we felt the full depth of how much God loves us, we wouldn’t feel the need to look down on others, to look for ways to feel “superior” to them just to make ourselves feel better. You should be able to feel proud of yourself for earning your degree and job and to share about that with others simply because it is part of your life!
I wish churches would find more creative ways to help serve both sides… or rather, I wish they could meet everyone where they are at. Jesus used agriculture, fishing, business, and home-maker, etc., stories to spread His message. We should follow His example.
Yes, if you’ve found a way that works, why do other people care?
I think having a SAHD can be a challenge too. My cousin worked for a while and her husband was the main caregiver, and one of the frustrations he had was the the kids were never invited for playdates, because moms always invited other moms. so he found his kids missed out, and if he invited other kids, he was always looked at strangely.
I’ve known both a SAHDad and a single dad. A bit different struggle than you shared- both confessed to me that they feel they get more help from others, but not in an inclusive, reciprocal way. It’s offerd more from a “we pity you and know you are incompetent” way. Any of us women who have been treated as less-than and incompetent should be able to understand that hurt.
Yes, the “Daddy Day Care” dynamic can be a real issue!
I attended Bible Study Fellowship classes for years. I noticed a big demographic shift when my work schedule forced me to change from daytime to nighttime classes. The daytime class was almost all white women, either SAHMs or retirees. The nighttime class was much more ethnically diverse, all ages from early 20’s to 80+, and I was also struck that there were many women who weren’t “pretty” or “feminine” in the stereotypical sense.
One of my favorite memories from the night class took place in the middle of January: it was dark, dangerously cold, and the parking lot had iced over in the course of the evening. As several hundred women began leaving the building, a petite woman slipped on the ice and (as it turned out later), broke her ankle. As we gathered around her, she fainted from the pain she was in. They had been giving frostbite warnings with the forecast; it was dangerous to let her stay on the ground in the icy parking lot. One woman took charge and directed a couple of others to help her lift and carry the injured woman across the icy parking lot. The woman who took charge was short and squat, probably in her 50’s, with straggly, thinning hair. Her clothes were plain and she was decisively barking orders at us, no “please” or asking anyone else’s opinion. She basically powerlifted the injured woman by her torso over the ice, with two others supporting her legs. She carried her inside, where she could be safe until the EMTs arrived.
Often artists depict angels as beautiful, ethereal creatures with a golden glow, but to me, that woman was like an angel of God that night in the dark parking lot. I was so thankful for the physical strength and decisiveness she displayed. It was a blessing. How many blessings do we miss by trying to force women and men into gender stereotypes? When we confuse cultural norms or stereotypes with being “biblical,” we push people away and divide the church even further. I think this especially applies to race/ethnicity and economic status in our pluralistic society. If we expect everyone to think the same, act the same, live the same, and look the same as much as possible, in order to be “a biblical Christian”, we are not following God, but our own limited identity, as the highest good. “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart”… why does it seem like the church is so quick to take the human perspective, rather than seeking the Godly perspective?
I love this. Awesome.
What a great story, JoB!
This might sound odd, but reading this article and the comments has started to fill a void that has been growing in my soul for years.
My church is amazing, we found it about 5 years ago after bouncing from church to church as we tried to do the right thing in finding a church family, but never found a place we could stomach. But even in our amazing church, there very few areas to serve or get involved for a woman with a career and no kids. Myself and two other working women started asking the questions and the church really took the initiative to change that! But the problem is — people who work outside the home rarely have the same availability as a SAHM/SAHD. So attendance was lower in those groups, and some wanted to cancel the events and groups because yes, it’s a lot of work to run and hard to justify when nobody shows up. But we’ve kept it going and attendance skyrocketed.
The heartbreaking part is the number of people who say they’ve never seen a church or Christian group that actively reaches out to those who don’t fit the standard demographic of SAH wives baking pies and husbands working 9-5 and joining the Saturday prayer breakfast. Pies and prayers are good things, but how much of our world still looks like that?
“The heartbreaking part is the number of people who say they’ve never seen a church or Christian group that actively reaches out to those who don’t fit the standard demographic of SAH wives baking pies and husbands working 9-5 and joining the Saturday prayer breakfast.”
I’m probably going to start sounding like a broken record here, but this is yet another reason why I think small churches are a great idea. When we moved to our current location, the first thing we did was to start inviting all the church members and regular attendees round for a coffee, at a time that worked for them, so we could get to know them better and find out what would help them feel part of the church and grow in their faith. You can do that with a membership of 30-40 fairly quickly, but no way can you do that with a membership of 200. Yes, the super confident ones may feel ok about walking up to their pastor and saying ‘hey, your women’s ministry programme is too girly – can we have something based around sports, not sewing?’ but the majority are just going to sit there – or leave church – unless they are asked direct.
I think there are a lot of benefits to smaller churches! There are some downsides too–harder to have big children’s ministries or youth ministries. But definite upsides!
I love this article! You always write about what coincides in my life at the time, it seems. We just watched the movie, “On the Basis of Sex,” and the themes you present here in your blogpost are EXACTLY the ones presented in this movie. It’s uncanny.
We had a cartel of four elementary schoolteachers take over the women’s ministry at church a few years ago. These women are your typical Suzy sorority types. My dear wife decided to get involved and went to a planning meeting. Now, my wife looks a lot like Sigourney Weaver. She’s also 5’11, has a MS in Healthcare Administration and at the time was the number 2 person running a 300 bed hospital.
So, that evening I asked her how the meeting went. She replied that they played stupid games accompanied by squeals and giggles. When she offered to take on a job the cartel all just looked at her with almost a sneer and assigned the job to one of their buddies. They never even acknowledged her. She never went back.
A couple of years later my wife and some of her church friends decided to put together a trip to some ladies’ conference. She was cornered by the cartel after church one Sunday. They let her know that all events had to go trough them. My wife quickly told them that she did what she wanted, with who she wanted and they could get over it. She then turned in her four inch heels and walked ou.
“These women are your typical Suzy sorority types.”
Boone, you’re so cute, thinking that sort of behavior doesn’t start till college! That crap starts by about third grade. 🙄
Last week I read the Facebook post that linked to this article. I didn’t realize just how much of an emotional roller coaster it would put me on. I spent 30 some years trying to fit the mold of a perfect Christian girl, woman, wife, mom. It didn’t seem to matter how hard I tried, I just kept failing. I’m too: stubborn, opinionated, competitive. I don’t wear: makeup, cute clothes, dresses, or do my hair. While men were getting together to watch ball games and eat BBQ, I was subjected to 40 ways to wear a scarf. I am a respected leader in a non-profit organization and help manage a multi-million dollar budget. I have years of experience in project and program management but my experience is not valued in the church. Friendships in the church have been exceedingly difficult and small groups are frustrating.
I also read the follow-up post about strong Christian women often marrying even more strong-willed men but this was not my experience. In fact, I married a wallflower who has enjoyed 20+ years of smooth sailing with no responsibilities because he knows I’ll do whatever needs to get done. This came to a head this year and right now I’m existing in a limbo of “will he finally change or won’t he” because if there isn’t genuine change then I’m done. I’m a strong, independent woman. I don’t need him but he certainly needs me.
A part of me wonders how many strong, independent women there could be in the church if those characters were encouraged. What would happen if women were encouraged to study scripture more deeply, share their wisdom, and use all of their gifts? What if instead of telling women to shut up and get back into the kitchen we told them to sit at the feet of Jesus?
I wonder those things too, Anne!
Why don’t we do a survey? ;D