with thanks to Brazos Press and the book Forgiveness After Trauma for sponsoring this post.
Divorce is one of the most painful things a person can go through.
But often, right when people need help the most, the church abandons them.
A few weeks ago on the Bare Marriage podcast, we shared Susannah Griffith’s story of choosing to divorce her husband who had been abusive–even though he wasn’t anymore. The trauma was just too great to continue with the relationship.
Her beautiful book Forgiveness After Trauma walks through biblically all the things that forgiveness and reconciliation entail, including leaving room for anger, lament, and accountability. Yet too often, as Susannah shared, church people just pressure you to go back to your marriage, even if there has been no healing and no real accountability (as we talked about on Wednesday).
As we come to the end of working through some of the amazing insights of the book, I wanted to share 7 practical ways in which your church can love and support people through a divorce–and thank you to everyone who commented on Facebook with some great suggestions!
1. Hold Abusers Accountable
It is, unfortunately, common for churches to side with the abuser and enable abusive behaviour. The intentions might be good, but the impact is often deeply harmful and leaves a lot of trauma for the abuser’s family to heal from. It is imperative that churches and church leaders learn how to hold abusers accountable for their choices and actions.
“I feel like there’s a significant/severe lack of men holding other men accountable in churches. There is a constant coddling of the man who has done all the wrong things and an expectation that his woman needs to forgive, because the church wants to see a sinner restored, BUT, without the experience of some significant consequences and real examination of what these men are doing and telling them directly that their actions are not part of the life of a man who is walking with God, they will never have a true restoration anyway.
Because repentance has to be walked through with intentionally repentant actions over time, not just tearily-eyed claimed with weak words of “I’m sorry”. Men need to start unveiling the masks of other men who coast through church life looking good because they’re in church with families, but are never being clearly called out for the abominable actions they are committing against their families. There needs to be an entire shift of focus from the wife’s supposed responsibilities to submit/forgive, and toward the responsibility for men to truly examine themselves and repent and live a life worthy of her trust and praise and respect.
I think it has SO much to do with generations of men not being strong enough to call out other men, because (maybe often) they themselves will need to be called out, too.”
“Learn how to see through an abuser and stop being used by them to manipulate and farther abuse victims. Learn how to see through abusers so they can be held accountable for their actions and maybe even be motivated to get help and change instead of enabling the abuser to never take responsibility for their toxic behaviour….”
2. Stop Perpetuating Harmful Narratives That Keep Abuse Victims Trapped In Their Marriages
One thing we’ve discussed at length is how deeply ingrained toxic doctrine is in the evangelical system around marriage and divorce. There are many pastors and authors who haven’t done the work necessary to weed out the harmful narratives from their own worldviews. These are theological devices that are used to keep abuse victims in destructive marriages.
By learning the harm these teachings cause, and choosing against sharing these from the pulpit, churches can be an active part in the healing process for so many survivors of abuse.
“Recognize that divorce because of boredom or being mad is super rare in the church. Most divorces occur after at least 15 years of marriage. Understand what a person loses in divorce. This is not a loose decision.
Understand the power and control wheel and stop preaching in ways that empower people to control one another.”
“Acknowledge the wide variety of emotional abuse and it being a valid (and biblical!!!) reason for divorce.”
“Stop giving untrue statements and stats from platform as if children of divorced parents are doomed because of the divorce”
“don’t do sunday school lessons about how if you just pray enough your marriage will be healed – or heavily promote books and movies that offer that theory”
“Stop telling people “God hates divorce”. Start telling people “God hates abuse”!”
3. Be Active In Supporting Those Going Through Divorce
An unfortunate side effect of harmful theology around divorce is that far too many people are left without the support of their home church. Many people who walk away from an abusive marriage need a strong support system to gather around them to help them make it through the month or even just the day!
“I wish churches would recognize the practical struggles that come with divorce. For example, my church hosted a wedding and baby shower for me, but ignored me when I got divorced. I didn’t really NEED either one of those showers, but some help re-establishing a home after my divorce would have been extremely helpful. It sent the message that they were there for me in my celebratory moments, but I was abandoned when I was in a tough situation.
For context, I didn’t take much from my marital residence and lived with my parents for over a year, so some help with basic necessities would have been hugely helpful. Things like a broom. Dish and laundry soap. Some basic spices. Think about replacing that basic household stuff all at one time. No one is going to ask for a “divorce shower,” so it will require someone in the church to actually have enough awareness to think about those practical things and how to best provide meaningful care in each individual situation.”
“Single mothers (and fathers who get custody because of abuse) are today’s widows and orphans. FINANCIAL SUPPORT should be provided. Going through the government programs as the sole means of support is extremely invasive and controlling, and it’s one of the most difficult processes to go through. I didn’t even qualify for everything that I NEED. All I got were food stamps, and that leaves necessities like toilet paper, toothpaste, deodorant, etc. out.
And I have no way of paying all of my bills. Requiring women that WERE stay-at-home mothers to all of a sudden be forced to leave the home to find work that is usually minimum wage or close to it is not acceptable. It puts even more strain on them when they’ve already had to go through so much. Churches should be the primary sources of help in these areas.”
“Offer to babysit on specific evenings or a few hours on weekends, as it’s exhausting, to be carrying all the heavy emotional turmoil alone, if you have kids… esp if you don’t have involved or emotionally healthy extended family!!”
4. Trust That The Person Leaving Made The Right Decision For Themselves And Their Family
If a person has made the hard decision to leave their marriage, they did not come to that choice lightly. It is likely the result of years of thinking, studying, praying, and fighting for their marriage. We have to trust that adults are capable of making the right decision for the wellbeing of themselves and their children.
And if they did divorce for frivolous reasons, and they were wrong? I’m not sure how ostracizing them is going to bring them back to Christ, or help their children.
But the big thing is that you can never know which is which. And it is far worse to cast out a desperate person seeking safety than it is to give grace to someone who didn’t deserve it.
“What helped me many years ago, in leaving my abusive marriage and coming back to my home church, was people just treating me the same as they always had–loving me, assuming I had a good reason for leaving, and having the tact and kindness to mind their own business.”
“I would have loved for the pastor/elders to have believed me. My x and I spent a year with the senior pastor in “biblical counseling” and the pastor finally gave up bc my x didn’t do any of his homework. Four years later, I filed for divorce. I was excommunicated and was told that I didn’t love the Lord.”
5. Take The Initiative To Learn About Trauma and Abuse
Becoming trauma-informed takes a lot of time and work. There are many facets to understanding why abuse occurs, the impact it leaves on its victims, and what it means to find safety and heal after abuse. Being trauma informed may mean going against the grain on what that church’s denomination believes about marriage and divorce. It may also mean that church leaders have to push back against harmful theology and “popular opinion.”
But the well-being of abuse victims would then be truly centred and loved by their church communities the way that Jesus loves them. And isn’t that the most important thing?
“Become trauma informed, take time to actually learn what abuse is and how it affects victims.”
“I think one of the most important things for churches to do is take the initiative to educate themselves on all sorts of abuse! That way they can spot it easier, and be way better prepared to support people in their community who are going through it. There are so many resources out there, and abuse is such a pervasive issue, there’s really no excuse to be uneducated on the subject”
6. Don’t Use Prayer Or Faith As A Weapon
This seems to be a really common issue for survivors of abuse.
After all the work they’ve done on their marriage, their spiritual lives, and their own emotional well-being to arrive at the decision that divorce is their best option, well-meaning church leaders and congregants who still hold to harmful beliefs about divorce feel it is their Christian duty to find ways to push people back into a relationship that makes them feel more comfortable, without truly understanding that this is asking the abuse survivor to walk back into a relationship that is unsafe for them (and possible their children too!).
“I really dislike the people at church telling me they are praying for the restoration of my marriage, or the people asking if there’s any chance for reconciliation.
It would be nice if I felt it was acceptable when people asked me how I was doing to say that I’m not doing OK.”
“No “come to Jesus” meetings disguised as “let’s meet for coffee and catch up”.
My bff was ambushed by 3 church ladies who heard of her divorce and without knowing anything about the reasons, ambushed her at a coffee meeting and implored her to get her heart right with god and get her marriage back together. I was so furious. I really wanted to have a little coffee ambush myself.”
7. Connect People With Resources
This is, perhaps, the most practical way to love and support someone who is going through a divorce.
Many evangelical women have no outside safety net, or work experience to fall back on. Many of them marry right out of highschool and immediately become a stay at home wife or stay at home mother. This means that, upon leaving her marriage, she will struggle to find ways to support herself and any children she may have.
This is where churches can step in to help with childcare, help her connect with any helpful government agencies, finding and affording a trauma-informed therapist and so much more!
“Pay for actual therapy for victims, don’t give us Bible verses and nice pastoral thoughts in exchange for our stories of being broken and harmed”
“Childcare!!! Especially during court but really any time.
Help navigating services, maybe even a list of good lawyers, bonus if the church helps funding the lawyer.
Knowing which DV services are available in the area and pointing her in that direction.
-I could see a brief pamphlet or handout outlining what constitutes domestic violence and what kind of services could help her because so many women don’t even know that they’ve been experiencing that or can get help.”
“Affordable housing was and still is my biggest concern.”
Church, can we care for people in our midst who are hurting?
Can we stop judging people for going through divorce, and instead just be there for them and love them?
That’s my prayer. And I’m grateful for the conversation that Susannah Griffith’s book started for me, and also for the peace that it brought me when it cleared up a lot of things that made me uncomfortable. God doesn’t want us ignoring our legitimate needs for safety and for peace. He gets it. And that’s wonderful.
Now let’s be his hands and feet!
With Thanks to our Sponsor Forgiveness After Trauma
What if forgiveness doesn’t mean what we think it means?
So often the concept of forgiveness is hurled at survivors, telling them that their anger and their pain is the problem.
But what if God doesn’t see it that way?
Susannah Griffith takes us through her own heart-wrenching journey of forgiveness that includes lament, anger, and acountability, and shows us through a rich dive into Scripture that reconciliation may look different than we think it does!
This is such a healing book, that will help make you whole again.
Offering support to one half of a couple is comparatively easy (e.g. one partner runs off with someone else, leaving their abandoned spouse behind, or one partner is obviously abusive, forcing the other partner to leave). But where each partner claims to be the injured party, it is really hard for a church to navigate.
One current situation concerning a couple we know but who do not attend our church: Husband has left, claiming he can’t cope any longer after years of abuse from wife. Wife claims husband is just tired of responsibility of marriage and wants to enjoy a bachelor lifestyle. Both claim to be walking closely with the Lord.
It’s hard for friends to know how to continue showing love to both without being seen to ‘take sides’. And it must be even harder for the leadership of their church.
I understand why people going through painful divorce may feel the church should just take their word for it that they had reason to leave and that the church should not ask any questions. But when both halves of a couple want to remain in fellowship but not with each other, what is the church leadership supposed to do?
That’s a very good question! I find that fruit often shows up. Like, the husband wanting to enjoy a bachelor lifestyle–is he dating a ton? Living like a slob? Drinking a lot? Or is he trying to heal from abuse? Is she devastated from him leaving? Or is she justifying herself?
It’s not good in general to play judge and jury, but usually if one person says, “they just want out of the marriage because they’re lazy”, it’s pretty obvious whether that’s true or not by how they live afterwards?
Neither of them have volunteered anything beyond the initial basic statement of ‘our marriage is over and this is why’. My gut feeling is that he’s telling the truth, since he’s living quietly in a very modest bedsit with no sign of dating or partying, which seems odd behaviour for someone who was tired of the restrictions of married life. But I also know how clever some people can be at hiding their real character, even from those close to them.
There’s that uncomfortable feeling that if we believe the wrong one, the other is going to feel totally let down. And giving support to both equally is also likely to feel like a betrayal for the truth-teller. At least they are not in our church – I really feel for their minister!
For church leadership, or friends/family, navigating something like this, I would encourage pressing into the Lord and asking Him to reveal and confirm the truth about what’s going on. Ask Him for wisdom and clear-seeing. For lies and deception to become obvious. And keep asking. If leadership really wants to know the truth for real, no matter how painful it might end up being, God is totally able to reveal what’s actually going on.
He wants us to be in truth, and He wants broken people supported, and He wants people held accountable for damage they’re doing to others. So if the church’s attitude before the Lord is, “We don’t know what’s going on, but we want to walk through this Your way. Please help us,” He definitely wants to be involved. (Some Proverbs 3: 5-6 action.)
Obviously that’s not saying to not do the work of building discernment skills, pursuing conversations, asking questions, etc. But I’m guessing that’s probably already being done.
It takes alot of courage for church leadership to walk through this type of situation, rather than instinctively taking sides or avoiding the whole mess.
And it takes alot of courage for friends to do this to.
Angarhad, you are so compassionate, and you have alot of discernment skills. Keep taking care of yourself in this. It sounds like a heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting situation.
In the absence of an obviously wronged party, I believe you can tell a great deal by how former partners treat one another when hashing out their financial and (if applicable) custody matters.
If one partner was a stay-at-home parent, does the breadwinner acknowledge that contribution or fight over every penny of assets, investments, pension, etc.?
Do they acknowledge that it was a joint decision to live on one income, or dismiss it as, “s/he never worked”?
When there are children, how often does the non-custodial parent spend time with them?
Do they respect the other parent’s schedule (by being prompt and reliable when picking up or dropping off the children, communicating clearly, etc.) or expect their ex to always be flexible and “pick up the slack” if they want to change plans on short notice?
Do they acknowledge the custodial parent’s need to have regular breaks from caregiving?
Are they generous with child support, or willing to see their kids go without in order to punish their ex?
Is one parent a “Disneyland dad” (or mom) who intentionally spoils the kids with gifts, travel, or dining out that the other parent cannot afford?
The way two people handle these types of things is very telling, in my experience. A person who is self-centered and unyielding when a marriage breaks down, was probably that way all along.
Yes, I have seen these dynamics a lot.
One counselor (can’t remember her name) says you can spot the truth-teller by how they speak about their spouse. Narcissistic people tend to paint the other as all good or all bad. So if a person is saying things like, “I know deep down they’re a good person; they just need therapy getting over xyz” or “I really miss the person I married,” or “they’re a really great parent but I can’t put up with x behavior anymore,” they are likely to be telling the truth. Whereas people running a smear campaign exaggerate how awful the other person is.
And I would say that could be the other way around, too — what about the spouse who constantly blubbers about “not being loved” (and meantime is a highly critical, manipulative spouse) while the other is angry (and justifiably so, since they have lived a couple of decades with a manipulative covert abuser who is invested in appearing to be saintly? It certainly *looks* like the angry one was the problem and wounded the other, but that just isn’t necessarily the case!
Agreed, Lisa Johns- a few of the narcissists in my life are incredibly skilled at knowing which buttons to push on most people to get an “angry response” then they play the victim card. “See how s/he attacked me? I didn’t do ANYthing to deserve that!” When observing, I’ve had to learn to try to discern what kind of anger it is as well as discern the sincerity of the victim. I’m not always right but I’m getting much better at it. It’s really tricky though!
I feeling like it is sometimes not too hard to tell which one is right the most. My parents had 2 couples that they had considered “couple friends”. Both divorced at the 20yr mark. Which scared my parents into reexamining their marriage dynamic.
But when I look at them, I see the things that I learned here likely cause the break ups…well the one couple i remember.
They had 8 kids and the husband was super involved at church. Then he claims that at the 20yr mark she “shocked him by announcing, I’ve given you and the kids 20 years of my life. I’m done and left all of her kids.” Husband took up smoking and the family stopped being as conservative. I think they had a rotten core from the beginning. (Did I mention they were parents to a pedophile?)
Oh, wow! That’s awful.
I think another way people can help those going through divorce is to make sure that the divorcee doesn’t become the “Invisible Person” every Sunday. I have noticed that several people have made a point of getting together with the X, but no one has bothered to ask me what my part of this was. I finally grabbed one of our elders and his wife and set up a lunch time, saying, “SOMEBODY in this church is going to listen to me!” I don’t know how much it helped with the situation over all, but it felt good in the moment!
It’s really hard when no one will talk to me, or ask me how I’m doing.
I have been deconstructing for almost two years now, so I am on the fence about church attendance anyway, but I don’t feel that just quitting will help. And DARNED if I’m going to let their neglect and belief of lies drive me away, anyway! I’ll go when I’M ready, and not a moment earlier!
One difficulty I had in church post-divorce was this sense that I was a walking-threat to the marriages in my peer group. The older people in the church would talk to me. But it was very difficult to make friends. And I really needed friends at that time–so much of my original community had been shattered.
We’re now in a church that doesn’t care that I’m a single mom. They care about me being OK. But they don’t give me a sense that being divorced is a “scarlet letter.” I get to be a person. And it’s such a relief.
I don’t think divorce is the “scarlet letter” in my church per se, but I suspect that many people have sided with the X because of careful groundwork laid by him over the years. I can’t figure out any other reason why suddenly no one is interested in how I am doing and where I am.
To be fair, there are a few who talk to me, and at least one woman who has at times gone out of her way to ask me how I am doing and listen carefully. But many whom I would have considered very good friends over the years pretend they don’t see me when I walk past. I miss my friends.
That’s so unfair of your “friends” ☹️❤️☹️!!
To be honest, I think you would have been regarded as a threat to marriage if you’d been a never-married single too. I once attended a church where I was the ONLY single adult female apart from a few widows in their 80s, and our pastor spent an entire sermon preaching on how single women were a ‘threat’ to Christian marriage because they were always trying to trap the man into an affair. (In your dreams, buddy!) Most churches just don’t know how to deal with ‘unattached’ women under retirement age, whether they are never-married, divorced or widowed.
Was he deliberately targeting you or just oblivious? Dang, that’s so wrong!!
Wow … just wow …
I don’t think you can divorce (sorry about the bad pun) the issue of the church not being a good support structure to divorcing women from the toxic teaching on women which you highlight so frequently here.
Unfortunately, most abusive men do talk about receiving various forms of abuse from their spouse – and can be very convincing at it. When a husband is talking about sexual neglect, nagging, endless criticism, outbursts of anger etc. it feeds into the same tropes that the church is taught about sinful women all along.
I’d be curious to do a study on men’s experience of church post separation versus women’s.
In my case my ex simply had to start stereotyping and his audience would do the rest of the work for him. I’m publicly “guilty” of sins which I not only never committed, but I went to enormous lengths to avoid. And no one has ever come to me to ask for my side of the story.
I appreciated this article from Leslie Vernick – and hope it can be helpful to someone: https://leslievernick.com/blog/five-indicators-of-a-evil-heart/
And this one …
https://leslievernick.com/counselors/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Three-Ways-to-Spot-a-Wolf-in-Sheeps-Clothing-Script.pdf
One thing I notice is how convenient it is for husbands to have their wives taught that wives shouldn’t ever say anything bad about their husbands, that wives should only ever talk up any good qualities of their husbands, that mentioning any of these issues, even big ones, is essentially sinful gossiping.
Because then, when she just can’t take his laziness, his adultery, his abuse, his nonstop video game playing any more; when she has prayed for years or decades, borne the entire burden of the household adulting for the entire duration of the marriage, done all the childcare, and many times had her own full-time job, then when she decides she just has nothing left to give to this guy who vowed to love, honor, and cherish her, and she decides, almost always after years of pleading, begging, praying, doing more and more while he does less and less, THEN everyone is “so surprised” because they had no idea he was such a bum! That can’t be right! He is such a great guy! She never complained in all those years, so obviously SHE must be selfish to “just give up on the marriage” so “out of the blue” like that! Where’s her stamina? Has she prayed? Has she asked God to change HER heart and HER attitude?
The husband, of course, is “just as blindsided” as everyone else and can’t understand how “things have been so good for so long, and now she’s just going to throw it all away like that?” accompanied by a snap of the fingers.
Yeah. Just one last blast furnace of gaslighting she has to endure, when she is already at the end of her rope and has been running on fumes since forever.
Isn’t that all veeeeerrryyy convenient, for the MEN?
And, God forgive me, but I did it to several of my friends too. 😢
So much of this! ^^
I needed to understand that I wasn’t “allowing” for or being “compassionate” of his personality and who God made him to be. Heck, even my friends felt “blind-sided” by my words and thoughts and feelings when I couldn’t take it anymore as things stood. So… I was the one hurting them, too. Seriously. And don’t forget how much we (moms) are going to hurt our kids. Is it really worth destroying their world, too? I chose not to pursue divorce but even considering it was problematic.
Gaslighting, indeed, even if unintentional.
I know a few people going through/have gone through divorces so this post was very helpful, thanks.
Yes, women are essentially forced to lie for which they are believed, then they’re disbelieved when they finally start telling the truth.
Oh, and to top it all off, SHE’S the problem for “causing trouble.” Not her husband, who has been doing—or not doing—key things for potentially the entire marriage, because he was given carte blanche to act however he wants while getting to call it “leadership.”
And now I have to show some emojis.
🤮 😠 😡 🤬
Is there something wrong with me because the divorce wasn’t the hardest thing in my life? I must have been emotionally detaching long before he was done with me.
At our ex-church, I only know through the grapevine who’s on his side, but even the people “against his choice to divorce” didn’t ask me how I was feeling. I suspect they are against it based on rules rather than my best interest. New church only knows I’m divorced if I tell them 🤭.
Someone in my family said that if I had gone to a denomination that had an official process for determining the innocent party, I wouldn’t have to deal with rumors because the church would declare me innocent. I told that person I’ve read way too many stories of such churches condemning the innocent and exonerating the guilty. I didn’t bother to ask why he thinks pastors have a right to know when and why a wife stopped having sex because he didn’t know that was a factor for me, but why can’t he common sense that many divorces affect sex, which is a reason for pastors not to be nosy??!! I suspect he wasn’t thinking about sex, but was thinking about theology because that would be in character, but in real life, many divorcees stopped having sex and don’t want the pastor asking why 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️.
My new church is mostly better at valuing women and divorced people, but then there was a really cringy sermon about sacrifice. It wasn’t specific to marriage or specific to women, but anything that involves “laying down your rights” and criticizes mental health, you know…it just had to keep some part of toxic evangelical culture 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️.
I know a few people who have said that – sometimes, the actual divorce can be a lot less painful than what caused the divorce, and by the time they got to that stage, I think they’d already done their grieving for the death of the marriage.
Good to know that’s happened to others.
Now that I think about it, the best part was NOT having to tell the judge why, that would be more public than telling a pastor. I feel so bad for all the people who divorced before no-fault and had to have a court judge their sexual problems (and everything else).
That was me — the marriage fully (and finally) imploded in December of 2019 (though I didn’t fully realize at the time what had happened), and by the time we divorced starting in August of 2023, I was just done. I still have a lot of stuff to process, but most of my grieving was done a long time ago, before I realized we would eventually divorce. The marriage was a huge mistake right from the start, and the divorce just felt like a huge relief.